April 09, 2006
Out of the Mouth
Lots of snuggling and cartoon mornings.
And we went for a walk around the pool and the apartment complex. I feel 800 years old.
This morning Zoe and I had a long talk about how God and my doctors healed mommy's Dracula blood. That now I just have to get stronger from the medicine and being in the hospital so long. That that is why mommy walks so slow and isn't as strong as I used to be.
She was still sad that we don't have our old apartment and that she can't be with me. But I told her that at least mommy is getting better and not to be sad because God is going to make it all work out. That He always does. And that we have a big family that is helping to take care of us. And between all of them, everything would work out. That it would be ok.
I knew I was going to bawl, so I told her that I was going to cry, but it was because I was so happy to be with her. I told her not to be afraid. That mommy had been a superhero and fought and fought and was really sick, but that I was fighting like a superhero back then so that I could be with her again. That whenever I was really sick, I would pretend to be that superhero because I knew that I could be strong for Zoe. And that made me not feel so bad when I was sick.
She then said she didn't want me to die. I told her that everyone dies, but that now I am getting better. And that she shouldn't worry because God will take care of us. That I will get stronger and we will be together again. But that mommy will have to make sure that I work out like we used to at the gym, and that we need to make sure we eat really healthy too. She then wanted us to go get sushi.
I told her that our family will take care of us - Sis and BIL #2 will still take care of her for a while, and that Momo G will be taking care of me to make sure that I'm ok. She said that we are going to be poor and not have a place to live. That we were lost. I told her that would all work out, and for her not to worry about it. That worrying wouldn't help and that mommy will work again sometime and we would find another place to live together. I told her that God was supposed to worry about all of that, and she needed to just worry about being a good girl for Sis #2 and working hard in school.
It was like the most intense, sad, conversation I have ever had. I just wanted to sob and say Zoe I worry about all of that too. I am afraid. I don't have any money. I don't know where I'm going to work. I don't know when I will be strong enough to care for you. I don't know what to do. But then I remember. I can't worry about this yet. I can only worry about putting one foot in front of the other and work on getting my strength back. My life back.
She just snugged into my neck for about ten minutes. No cartoons. No tears. Just her little breath and kisses on my face. No worries.
I can do this. But God sometimes it just rips my heart out.
Posted by debutaunt at April 9, 2006 01:39 PMDeb, that was a brilliant explanation. The part about how it's God's job to worry about some the stuff Zoe has no control over was so right -- and so hard to remember, whether you're a kid and your mom's sick, or whether you're the mom.
thinking of you, and so glad you got to spend so much time with Zoe this wkd.
xo
Posted by: kristin at April 9, 2006 02:56 PMSuperheros always have the coolest digs. Zoe should definitely not worry about that! :)
Posted by: mrtl at April 9, 2006 03:11 PMYouve made it this far, you will get the chance to put your life back together peice by peice, and in time. It may work out for the better in the end.
Posted by: Fellow Eskimo at April 9, 2006 04:43 PMHoly Dreck,
Now I am shedding big old tears here. You said
the best thing you could have possibly said to
Zoe.
Debuma-repeat after me. "I am the Queen of the
Universe". God will take care of me.
PS. Sarah is helping God, she's a way good helper.
Your assignment-you turn this over to GOD.
And know that every SWLF, spouses, kids, and hey
the Rabbi next door, we love you. Love can
conquer a whole lotta stuff.
xoxo
Crying Shoshie
Yiddish Yoda Master
Remember one day at a time, one foot in front
of the other. And when all else fail, an itsty
bitsy piece of candy.
Deb, you said the perfect things to her. Now you just keep believing them too. You are doing so well and staying so strong... we are all so proud of you.
Posted by: Sharon at April 9, 2006 06:55 PMDon't you see? You said those things to her because it was exactly what you needed to hear too. In God's eyes, you're both children. He was telling you--give it over to Him. Depend on Him. And with Him (and everybody else who's helping in big and small ways) you can do this.
YOU CAN DO THIS. Go, Deb, go!
Posted by: Sharkey at April 9, 2006 07:30 PMSounds to me like you handled it perfectly. You are so very strong.
((((HUGS))))
Posted by: Kami at April 9, 2006 09:59 PMGod gave you those words to use today and you used them well. Zoe is so young to have so much to understand but also has a great mom and supportive family.
I also have tears, but that's not unusual for me. Keep the faith and keep fighting. You will get stronger every day. Patience is so hard for all of us, and I pray for it daily not only for myself, but especially for you and Zoe.
Posted by: Kay at April 9, 2006 10:52 PMYes, your words were perfect and they were the words that she needed to hear and the more you say them to her the more real they will become for you.
I marvel at her wonderful insight and intelligence. How lucky for you that she is not afraid to say what she is thinking. As you all ready know, you have an awesome daughter. God bless both of you.
Posted by: Maria at April 9, 2006 10:53 PMDelurking to say:
I agree with the others: give it up (to God); have faith and comfort that you are loved unconditionally by Him.
Things in the future that are supposed to be WILL BE (remember that there is a season and a reason for everything we may just not know what/when it is) and your "work" here among us mere mortals is not yet done (thankfully!). You've already shown us "internets" the beauty of strength of will,surviving-- what hope and dignity are like in spades. What love transcends and what love can do. So what wonderful surprises have you yet to inspire or will transpire for you? What beauty and grace will your new life hold? It can only be magical.
Have faith-- in your God, in yourself, your precious child and your wonderful family-- that it will be okay. Those "babysteps" (getting your strength back, etc.) you're taking still mean you're going somewhere... it may take you a little more time but you'll still get where you need to be.
Lastly... being the Superhero that you are have you thought about a cape? :D
So great that you got to be together. She's probably been waiting a long time to have that conversation with you. You did a great job, said all the right things. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. Everything is going to work out fine.
Posted by: karen at April 9, 2006 11:33 PMThat was such an heartfelt explaination. You did a terrific job. Zoe will treasure those words and YOU ARE A SUPER HERO.
Thinging of you
Peace and Prayers for ever
Nancy
Queen of the Universe,
I hope you are feeling a little better today
after your heartfelt talk with Princess Zoe.
I think we need a Yiddish lesson so you can
distract yourself. Today's word is haimisher mensch.
And you would say that about someone you feel
really comfortable with. Or someone who makes
you feel really comfortable. SOOOOOOOOO we
would say Wow that Queen is a haimisher mensch.
So get your little sprial notebook out. I know
it's pink, and you better have your name on the
book. My name is down as your teacher, and this
is bell one.
So the notebook should look like this on the
outside.
Teacher:Shoshie Yiddish Yoda Master
Name: Queen of the Universe
Classroom: Room 101 A
Oh and you better put your bus number on the
book-ya know the one that picks you up to
take you to this cyber school. Your bus number
is 43A.
"Don't be writing in your notebook, that the
teacher is mean."
Bwahahahahahahah
Shoshie.
Did you know that I love you more than choc. chip
cookies?
Don't forget to tell a sister when you get to go to Chuy's again.
Just sayin'.
Posted by: Kami at April 10, 2006 07:53 AMWhat a wonderful and important message you gave to your daughter. I hope that she (and you) will carry it with you through the duration. God really will take care of you, and though it is extremely hard...giving your worries over to him will be the healthiest thing you can do for Zoe and for yourself.
God Bless!
Posted by: Kassi at April 10, 2006 08:16 AM(((hugs)))
You said it perfectly. It will all work out. :o)
You are a superhero!
I'm so glad you had time with your lovely Zoe. Snuggling with kids is the best form of medicine.
While I've never experienced the leukemia, I have experienced the money issues and the worry.
Prayers for you continue.
Posted by: CircusKelli at April 10, 2006 08:54 AMI have a promise for you:
Isaiah 54:5 says' "for your Maker is your husband, the Lord Almighty is his name." For all those things that worry you, take them and talk to Him about it, expecting Him to address them as though He was your physical/flesh and bliood husband...I know it sounds crazy, but He loves it! I started learning to do that two years ago and won a car that I needed in a radio contest because of it...and I NEVER win anything.
Thankful for your weekend with Zoe.
Beautiful photos...so glad you got to be together for a while!
This is going to work out, somehow! You are the strongest person I've ever "known" besides my Grandmothers; you will make things work out!
'Tis an honor to know you!
alan
Posted by: alan at April 10, 2006 02:55 PMAwwww, you two are each so worried about the other one, that you both are going to have to be JUST FINE!! Shoshie is right, of course, we SWLF sisters all love you very much, and when all else fails, a tiny piece of candy can do wonders. You were brilliant in your talk with Zoe, and she is fabulous to tell you how she feels. It will be whatever it is whenever you get there, and you'll figure it out. Just like you figured out today, and yesterday, and like you're going to do tomorrow, and the day after that. You have been blessed by uncommon insight and spirit. That is something even effing cancer couldn't take from you. You ARE doing this -- beautifully.
Posted by: eclectic at April 10, 2006 11:35 PM