April 13, 2006

Beloved

Susie said:

... and let her never know one moment of not feeling loved and cherished. Amen.
I pray tonight that this was true. That she always felt that.

Nikki is dead.

Sarah's Beloved. Many people's Beloved. I'm just at a loss for words. I'm devastated. She was killed in a jeep accident in Cambodia. She was there to help people and now she's dead.

I love her. She is my Beloved. She held so much faith for me. She and Sarah's loved ones, my sisters, my extended family. They all do. I felt Nikki's presence every day. Her emails encouraged me. Calmed me. They found me and now she's gone.

My heart is breaking for My Shoshie and her sisters. I want to be there with them. I want to grieve and hug them and love them as much as they have been here for me and loved me for so many months.

My Nikki. And my angel Sarah. Do I have two angels now? I want to believe that. My two Beloveds looking over me. Encouraging me. Helping me through this.

I promise you Shoshie. I love you. I do. I won't let you down. I will not. I swear to you that I will do whatever it takes.

(and Mom said she'd cook you whatever you'd want when you come).

Please pray for my SWLF family. Keep them in your heart.

For Sarah and Nikki

ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Posted by debutaunt at April 13, 2006 10:25 PM
Comments

Oh my God. I am so very sorry. I am in shock. I just don't know what to say.

She went to help.

Posted by: Kami at April 13, 2006 11:23 PM

Wow, what a shock. I don't know the sisters very well, but I've seen them around here and around other places (even my own site once in a while). Everywhere they go, they spread love and good feelings. I can't believe Nikki is gone--so very sad.

Praying for the SWLF sisters . . . .

Posted by: Sharkey at April 13, 2006 11:38 PM

The sisters are together and the "men" are in
charge of the children. This is what we know.
We received a call today at around 10 am EST.
The time difference is 10 hours. Nikki was
being driven in an vehicle which had no roof,
we are not certain if the vehicle had doors. Two
locals were in the car with her.The path they were
on was rocky and not paved. The car flipped and
they were all killed. We were told it was instant.
I am leaving tomorrow for Cambodia. I will be
bringing Nikki home, and I hope I will learn
more details. She was a "guest" in the country.
We are not sure if she was being driven to a
clinic, where she was staying, or touring.

Thank you Deb for loving my wife, the sisters,
the children, and the spouses.

If you believe in a higher power pray for this
family. I can speak for everyone in this very
big family. Nikki was an advocate for those
who could not advocate for themselves. Nikki
was one of the most passionate doctors you
could ever meet. Nikki never took no for
an answer.

My closing statement is for Deborah. You mean
the world to our family, the children our
teaching the bird your name. I implore you
to fight like hell for yourself. When you lose
patience fight for your daughter, your family,
Sarah, and Nikki.

Warm Regards,
Sam
(Shoshies Husband)

I also wrote this in your other post Deborah.

That saying real men don't eat quiche, and
real men don't cry. This guy eats quiche and
he cries. You are a beautiful woman Deborah,
and two of my favorite ladies Sarah and Nikki
will watch over you.

Posted by: Sam at April 13, 2006 11:51 PM

Sam has me in tears.

Deb, you do have two angels now.

Posted by: Kami at April 14, 2006 12:13 AM

oh my dear God. i can't believe it. i refuse to believe it. i'm so sorry.

Posted by: kristin at April 14, 2006 12:21 AM

Oh no! My heart goes out to all who knew Nikki and those who only knew of her, too. Her heart must've been beyond big to go to help those who needed help and so, I pray her eternal rewards are immeasurable and beyond our imagination. My prayers will be lifted for comfort and solace for all and for strength, too.

Deb, you are so brave and so kind. Thank you for letting us help carry the sorrow of those who share so, so much love. Let us also help you in your rallying cry and mustering strength to keep fighting and winning, too. If only cyber hugs could really warm those who are brokenhearted and weary, I'd spend all day sending them to you and the sisters & Sam.

Posted by: Bren=Cody'sMom at April 14, 2006 12:23 AM

Oh, I'm glad I came back over. Just want to add my name to the list, goodlord what a long list, of people who love that woman. Love her like crazy. And yes, she is with Sarah. I feel blessed to have had them in my life, and now to have friends in very high places.
Not to mention, so blessed to have been adopted into the sisters, and to have Sam for a brother-in-law. I've never seen a family who could give us much as that family. This family. My family. Yours. God bless you, Deb. Peace be with you.

Posted by: Susie at April 14, 2006 12:38 AM

Like Sharkey, I only knew the sisters from their kindness on your blog. But I am deeply saddened by the loss of their beloved Nikki. I had just went to their blog like a week ago to read about her trip to help. And now she's gone. Oh my God. I am in disbelief and shock.

My heart goes out to the SWLF clan.

Posted by: Jessica at April 14, 2006 12:45 AM

Your "loss of words" is beautiful, Deb.

It's amazing how someone never met can reach out and give the most incredibly comforting hugs.

Nikki is an inspiration.

Give us an assignment, please, Deb. I need something to focus on.

Hugs.

Posted by: mrtl at April 14, 2006 01:19 AM

In my thoughts as always. Praying for you and Nikki's family.

Posted by: Rachel at April 14, 2006 04:10 AM

That is so very very sad. I hope you find peace through this.

Posted by: william at April 14, 2006 05:03 AM

Oh my God, I cannot believe my eyes. How much devastation can one family endure? My heartfelt sympathy to the entire SWLF. I am so sorry their/ your family has been dealt this terrible tragedy.
Deb I want to send a card, do know where I can send it or maybe could I send it to you and you can forward it to Shoshie and the family.
I a loss for words,
My Prayers and thought are with you and Shoshie’s Family.
This must be like a never ending nightmare for the sisters and their family’s

Posted by: Nancy at April 14, 2006 05:43 AM

i have no words. my heart is broken for you, deb, and for sarah and nikki's families. for everyone whose life nikki and sarah have touched.

Posted by: moxiemomma at April 14, 2006 06:10 AM

this is truly unbelievable.

my heart is broken. for you, deb, and for the swlf family. it is too much.

no words could possibly convey how sorry i am. sam - you take care of all of those people and yourself.

no words. all the love.

xoxoxo

Posted by: clandestine at April 14, 2006 06:57 AM

I am in such disbelief this morning. My thoughts of what an unbelievable woman Nikki was and how she touched so many people she never met. How unfair life is.

I only know of the sisters by the blogworld, but they are one incredible family.

My prayers are with you!

Posted by: janasayqua at April 14, 2006 07:38 AM

SWLF sisters,

HaMakom yenachem et'chem b'toch shar avay'lay Tzion vee'Yerushalayim.

Posted by: Surfie at April 14, 2006 07:40 AM

Well Sam did it to me again...I just woke up with these huge ugly puffy eyes and now I'm crying again...grrr...some part of me was praying to wake up and find out it was all a mistake...my wish for all of you (us) is peace.

Posted by: Traci at April 14, 2006 07:56 AM

prayers from my home to yours --
and hers...

Posted by: blackbird at April 14, 2006 08:01 AM

I'm so very sorry, Deb. And my heart goes out to the SWLF sisters. Be strong, I know I'm having a hard time even seeing the monitor right now.

I don't know why, but I felt I had to go through your comments to find something Nikki said about being scared about her trip. I never found it, but I did find a comment by her on March 31:

"Just like Sarah is in your heart, I am taking
as I said a piece of your heart with me.

I never say good-bye because I will see you
WELL when I get back from my journey.

PLEASE keep your eye on those sister's.
I love you DEB.

Nikki"

This message drove me back into an even uglier cry. There is no doubt in my mind that she still loves you and is watching over you.

Posted by: ieatcrayonz at April 14, 2006 08:10 AM

Deb, love and hugs and prayers for all of you, all of us missing Nikki. She is indeed a special woman with a loving heart. She will be hugely missed.

Posted by: CircusKelli at April 14, 2006 10:50 AM

I am so, so sorry. I have been watching the comments and love between you all with joy and I cannot believe it can be over so quickly. I mean of course not that the love and wonder are over, but that a person who was so wonderful and so loved can just disappear.

Posted by: Daphne at April 14, 2006 05:43 PM

OH my God - I am so terribly terribly sad for Shoshie and family. Thank you Deb for your post about Nikki - I will be praying.
(((HUGS)))

Posted by: Lisa O at April 14, 2006 09:10 PM

OH MY GOD?
I have been out of the loop for a few days as work has been overwhelming.. I just cannot believe it.. Nikki was so kind.. stopping by my blog to thank me for leaving messages on yours..
she didn't have to do that.. but that's Nikki.. right?
wow.. I am in so much shock right now.. as I imagine everyone else is..
peace to you deb and to the SWLF-gals..
I am so sorry for you all.. but Nikki is with her sarah.. and I am sure they are very happy together.. watching over you.

Posted by: biscuit at April 14, 2006 10:12 PM

There are never enough words to make the pain stop. There is never a good enough answer to the question of why. All I can offer is my sincerest prayers and deepest sympathy. I pray that you find strength in the days to come, hope in the weeks ahead, peace as the months pass, and that your memories will never fade as the years continue on. My heart goes out to you and to all of Nikki's family, friends, and loved ones. She will surely be missed.

Posted by: Torie at April 14, 2006 11:44 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. ((((HUGS & PRAYERS)))

Posted by: Dr. Ethel at April 15, 2006 12:17 AM

Damn...thought life was on the upswing for you and yours and missed a few days and now this...

There are no words of comfort I can muster, only tears and this empty feeling in my chest.

alan

Posted by: alan at April 15, 2006 03:58 AM

So sorry for your loss. How terrible to lose so much.

Posted by: Amy at April 16, 2006 08:09 AM

I am stunned. Words fail me. You are all in my prayers.

Posted by: Patrick at April 17, 2006 07:52 AM