To be alive is the most extraordinary thing we know
I woke up this morning with my SWLF family on my mind. My "loaner" husband, Sam, is on his way to get Nikki. I cannot fathom the strength that he will have to hold to do this task. I cannot imagine having to retrieve the body of one of my family members. God bless you today, Sam.
I'm not allowed to leave town for 100 days, but if I were, I'd be on a plane right now just so I could go hug my sisters. So I could go color with Gracie. Dance with the twins. So I could go be a mom to Shoshie and the girls and make them all my fantastic chicken spaghetti.
So often, since I've been diagnosed, people found out I had leukemia and were like... I'm so sorry. And yet when they'd say that to me, in my mind I was always like... gosh, I'm not. I think it sucks that I got cancer, but in the big picture it could always be worse.
This is worse. This is what I've tried to convey to you all sometimes, and I never know if I get it right.
I got cancer. But at least I got a shot to beat it. To defeat it. And I have.
I watch the news sort of every day. And every day I see worse. And yesterday, I saw it. Nikki is gone. I was the one with cancer, but Nikki is dead. How stupid is it that *I* am the lucky one? How can that not make you feel so selfish? But more importantly, My God, how can it not make you so grateful to be alive?
I know sometimes what I write sounds so hokey, but I truly believe it. I have always felt that life was just so fragile and we are lucky to be here. Getting cancer just enforced that. Yesterday's news. Enforced it.
Since the SWLF family adopted me, I have felt Sarah's presence so often. Not only through the comments from the sisters, but an actual presence when I was really really sick. Perhaps it was the morphine or the hallucinations, but there were so many times that I drew strength from just the thought of Sarah watching over me. Like a calmness or a friend sitting there with me.
And I still feel that. When I get scared. When I doubt myself. When I'm in clinic and I can barely drag ass. Somehow it's like she's there, kicking me in the butt saying, c'mon, you can do it. I know she's there.
But the hardest thing for me was Nikki. Her love for Sarah was so great. The SWLF sisters know Sarah is here, but Nikki knew that the most. That's why I loved her. And when I would think of Nikki, I would think of her strength, her capacity to care, her unending support of me, her huge heart and then lastly of her heartbreak over Sarah. How do you go through life after you lose the love of your life?
I'd rather have cancer than lose my heart like that.
I know that pretty much no one wanted Nikki to go to Cambodia, but I sort of felt that she needed to go to heal. I know that if I had lost my love like that, I would want to crawl in a hole and disappear. But you can't do that. You've got to keep on moving. Keep on living.
I have two angels now. I know it. One that makes me laugh, makes me brave when I don't feel brave, and crave candy, and now my Nikki who was always so positive and unwavering that I would be cancer free. That I would be living a long life.
I am going to do my damndest to live that long life. I still have lots of healing to do, but I'm off with a bang. I feel so lucky to be here. I feel so lucky to be alive. I feel so fortunate to be alive. I am the lucky one.
I can do this. I am doing this. I have solemly promised. And I intend to live up to that promise.
Your assignment today is to count your blessings.
I read so many blogs and sometimes I'm like... wow. You think that's a problem? Skiing in Aspen or Vail? Blonde highlights or red? And in a person's small reality, sometimes that problem really does seem overwhelming. And maybe it is to them. But most times the problems really are pretty insignificant in the big picture. And those are the people that I want to shake sometimes and go "snap out of it!" (like Cher did in Moonstruck). I mean I got cancer, and in the big picture, I think that is a pretty insignificant problem - in comparison to someone on the street or starving or dying impoverished or whatever. Honestly, even if I hadn't been so lucky to kick this cancer's ass, I still am so grateful to be alive. To be here.
Even when life is bad, it's pretty damn good. I got cancer and it has changed my life. It has changed my perspective. It has deepened my love and appreciation for my child and my family and friends. It has shown me humility. It has shown me gratefulness. It has humbled me. It has shown me just how lucky I am. And how precious and great my life really is. Even when I'm sick and hurting and having a bad day, I'm still glad to be here to have the bad day. I'm alive. I'm blessed beyond words.
Please count your blessings today. Be grateful. Hold your loved ones close. And then hold them closer.
Much much love to the SWLF.
Posted by debutaunt at April 14, 2006 06:41 AMi love those sisters and i love you, even though i've never met any of you in real life, you're my friends.
i feel like i've come to know you, deb, through reading and commenting everyday. i treasure that and you.
and nikki.
you're all - sisters and deb - in my thoughts and heart.
xoxo
Posted by: clandestine at April 14, 2006 08:29 AMThis is still so hard to fathom.
Posted by: mrtl at April 14, 2006 09:48 AMI've been thinking about this all morning. And I will be counting my blessing all weekend long.
Posted by: janasayqua at April 14, 2006 10:07 AMDammit, I'm crying again and this time I'm at my desk, in my office, wishing I was at home. Deb, you are beautiful. You write beautifully. Nikki is beautiful. The lovely sisters are beautiful. I feel like shit today honestly. I didn't sleep well and my eyes are puffy and still I'm grateful to be alive. Thank you for your lovely reminders, your incredibly gorgeous heart and your beautiful spirit. It is an honor to share this journey with you. My heart and my love go out to you and to your family and to the SWLF family. Peace.
Posted by: Traci at April 14, 2006 10:10 AMI'm in total shock as well. I only knew Nikki's words, but she was one incredible, compassionate, loving person.
I'm so very saddened for the SWLF. I have no words except "I'm sorry". I pray God will give you the strength to endure this pain.
Also, the thought I keep having that is comforting is that Nikki is now with Sara. There is a peace in that. As painful as it is for those that loved them, they are together now.
Many hugs and prayers for you all.
Susan
Posted by: trophywife at April 14, 2006 10:12 AMso true - so beautifully written
Posted by: cursingmama at April 14, 2006 10:26 AMi just keep coming back here. i just really find it so hard to believe.
xoxo
Posted by: clandestine at April 14, 2006 10:30 AMDelurking to tell you you are the most inspirational person on the internet I have ever read.
Posted by: Vickie at April 14, 2006 12:26 PMHugs. This is beautifully done, Deb. But it hurts. Sending great big hugs and lots of love to the whole SWLF gang, wishing Sam safety, and peace for us all. I shall cherish my loved ones just a little more than usual today. And you too.
Posted by: eclectic at April 14, 2006 12:36 PMBeautifully written Deb. So well put.
Posted by: Moogie at April 14, 2006 12:44 PMbless you...
Posted by: blackbird at April 14, 2006 12:45 PMI am having a tough time fathoming it too. This should not have happened. My heart is with everyone affected by this.
And you are so right about those "problems" some people think they have. Once you see the real struggles people go through, you wonder how you could ever call anything difficult again.
But losing Nikki, that's difficult. For all.
Posted by: karen at April 14, 2006 01:19 PMAMEN, Your words are powerful and have such meaning.
I am sending my prayers and heartfelt sympathy to the SLWF and wish Sam a safe trip. He must be an incredible man to do what he is doing . God love him and the entire SWLF family.
Prayers to all
Nancy
Oh Deb, I am devastated to hear the news.
I am counting my blessings right now - thank you for the eloquent reminder.
What a sad, sad day.
Posted by: sally at April 14, 2006 02:47 PMI'm back...still at work...my dad died one year ago today...can I just tell you how sucky this all is? {{{{{Deb}}}}} {{{{{Everyone}}}}}
Posted by: Traci at April 14, 2006 04:32 PMDeb, I've read here for quite some
time now. I was sent by Nikki.
That is no surprise to anyone who
knew her, knows her. Her spirit,
Sarah's as well, live so strongly
within us all.
I never said hello to you. I was afraid,
selfishly afraid of caring for you
and losing you as we all lost Sarah.
I'm sorry for that.
Nikki reminds me to be strong for others.
I am here, have been here, will remain here
and continue to read your loving words.
gentle hugs.
Posted by: AnnieTB at April 14, 2006 06:48 PMI keep surfin the blogosphere and I see Nikki's story popping up in a different places. Waht an amazing person she was.
Posted by: william at April 14, 2006 07:31 PMDebbie,
I have read your blog but have never left a
comment. The girls call me one of the "silent
sisters". I have been called upon to write on
your blog. Everyone is very moved by your words.
As you can imagine we are all in disbelief.
You captured very well with your words the
essence of Nikki. We all hope as you said each
person takes a good look at their life. Life is
precious, a gift, and never take it for granted.
All of the sisters appreciate everyones kind
words. In our grief, we will still be checking
on you Deb. I have been told you have a new
assignment: Look at the stars and the two
brightest ones are Nikki and Sarah. Shoshie
said they will be watching over you 24/7.
Shoshie also said you know a little Yiddish. She
said you should continue with your studies until
she comes back.
Fondly,
Marcia (MJ)
You may know me as the "nut doctor".
The endearing name "the sisters" call me.
Like many, I only knew Nikki by her written words. I'm am so shocked. My heart goes out to Deb, the SWLF, and all the others who cared deeply for this extraordinary woman. I am a nurse and I can tell you that a truly compassionate, giving, non-self-aggrandizing doctor is unfortunately uncommon -- but she exemplified those traits and was nobly uncommon. She was a compassionate woman whose life was reaching out to decrease or eliminate the suffering of others. The world should mourn.
Posted by: Sheryle at April 14, 2006 09:35 PMMJ-The Silent Sister-I like that very much. I wish I could heal your hearts today. Thank you for being here tonight...I'm sure it means alot to Deb...I KNOW it means alot to me.
Posted by: Traci at April 14, 2006 10:10 PM