debutaunt.com

Oh, come on. Of course there's crying in cancer ass-kicking. The cancer ass-kickers I know, a couple of them who come around here regularly, will tell you that, as soon as they're out of bed and over here this morning.
Um, Deb, hulllllooooo -- you're hanging out at a clinic! Of course you're gonna be looking at sick people! The ones who have gotten their normal lives back, like you will, aren't THERE! They're out taking care of their beautiful little girls and dating! You can do this. You can do all things.
You have just, this week, had your heart broken afresh, as we all have. Be patient with yourself. You remain amazing and inspirational. And you'd probably trade that for ordinary and healthy. We can only work with what we've been given, in any given moment. And like you kinda said here recently, all moments here are "given," are gifts. You are using your gifts so well.

okay -
have a sleep.
feel low.
I think you have the right.
I have noticed that I usually freak out after the crisis, perhaps you are having a similar reaction -
after all, you have lots of time to THINK.
I imagine it is very lonely.
Aren't there therapists to help people who are enduring life threatening illnesses? People who know how to guide you through the thought process?

sigh.
hug.

we'll talk tomorrow...

Deborah,
The "silent sister" (Marcia/MJ) is here to
read your
blog, and report on how you are doing. As the
eldest and as a psychiastrist I am supposed to
be the strong one. Since I mentioned I am
a psychiastrist I can analyze all these feeling
you have. You do know these are all as natural
as breathing. Anyone who has ever been diagnosed
with a life altering disease feels life will never
be the same for them. Trauma in any form, leaves
"us" feeling very vunerable. In time those feeling
will be replaced with new feelings. The key word
is Time.

Shoshie will be proud of you. I wrote down
what you said in Yiddish. I actually came
not just to read how you were. But we all
wanted to give you a quote. A quote which
Nikki had given to Sarah. A quote which is
so fitting for you. On these black days for
us. We are trying hard for the smaller children.
Shoshie has written out this quote for everyone
in the family, in her "fancy writing". Susie
reminded us of the quote.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

This quote fits you to a T Deborah. Today love
yourself as much as we love you, as much as
Nikki loved you. I will acknowledge your
feelings, for they belong to you. My sisters
would tell me enough with the psycho babble,
but it is true.

I "the silent one" am silent for a reason which
is not really important. What is important and
what I feel I should state. The love everyone
has shown to my sisters, and Nikki. The love
Deb has shows to all of us. The love she writes
about so freely, the way she has worked her
way into everyone's heart. Deborah, humans can
choose to be very loving. Some choose not to
be loving. Your choice will bring you rewards
some people will never see in their lives.

Marcia (MJ)

Oh YES, there is crying involved in the kicking of the cancer's ass. I can identify with so many of the things you say, Deb--I sit here nodding my head every day as I read. I know that completely alone feeling, and my husband has been with me every step of the way. So yes, it would be nice for you to have a partner through all this, but it doesn't magically remove that lonely feeling.

You know what I always hated? I would be whining and crying to my husband, just generally feeling sorry for myself and talking about how I could die young. Every time he would respond with, "Yes, and I could get hit by a bus tomorrow." I know he was only trying to help, but I got so SICK of that! Finally I looked at him and said, "Yes you could, but we both know that's not actually going to happen, is it?! So cut it out! I don't ever want to hear you say that again!!"

You must feel like you're trying to hold up the world right now, being brave for Zoe and your mom and all of us here. Go ahead and be vulnerable. This is going to sound weird, but I bet your mom would hold you and let you cry. My mom did it for me, and it really does help.

Just remember, "We love you. You're doing real good, babe. You are."

Okay, in Shoshie's absence, my Lutheran ass will attempt something.

AHEM.

I know you are farmutshet. But you must folg mich! There IS crying is cancer ass-kicking. But, you are right, you will and will have to do this. ZOE ZOE ZOE.

It pisses me off that people don't look at you - and then call you "sir." I need to get you some bigass shiny Dallas earrings. Or we need to bedazzle your cell phone.

Oh, and iz brent mir ahfen hartz.

(Hoping I haven't said anything crazy.)

Oh, and you have Chuy's yet?

For what it is worth, your internet "fans" out here are praying for you (or sending you "fabulousness" vibes) and thinking you are one amazing biznitch. I say, allow yourself to feel the low feelings, then enjoy the relief when they leave. You already know they will leave. You are too genetically-programmed to kick a$$.

My deepest sympathies to the beautiful family as well.

Tears can be so cleansing. Allow them. And allowing that small moment of weakness and vulnerability also gives you an added opportunity to pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and carry on.

I don't know what to tell you about the Sir crap. Do you know Bucky Four-Eyes? She's mistaken for a man a lot (her voice, that is). Maybe she could give you some pointers. Unfortunately that may involve unsavory comments or... ahem... accessories.

Before Kranki started her cancer-ass-kicking campaign, the topic of lost hair and wig possibilities came up. I found this one online: http://www.knitty.com/issuefall04/PATThallowig.html. I've since learned to knit, but not to speak knit (i.e., read patterns); otherwise I'd offer to make you one. Maybe someone here would be willing, if you were to want one, that is. May I suggest lime green, with matching lighting bolt-shaped eyebrows to compliment it?

I have come on over from Random and Odd and I just want to say "you go girl" your spirit and attitude will help you kick cancer's ass. And crying, cry cry cry, it is cathartic and gets many toxins out of you. I know all this because I am a cancer ass kicker from childood - I think I posted that once here before. I don't want to over comment and invade your space since we just "met". My thoughts and prayers are with you for all you are going through and for Nikki's passing as well.

You are human, you are human, you are human! Everything you feel you deserve to feel (by that I mean even resentment and wishing you had a man, etc.) and it is normal to feel and why shouldn't you feel it? Why not?

Hugs to you. I hope you take Sharkey's advice. I really do.

Wanted to give you a cool article. Skoop found this first, but it is appropriate for whatcha been sayin:

http://forums.go.com/abclocal/KTRK/thread?threadID=113115

"if he keeps playing, anything can happen." :)

I came over from Blackbird and so didn't know what you had going on when I posted on your 4/18 post. I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through or how scary the inside of your head is right now, but please know that by talking about it in the open, honest way you do touches my soul, and the souls of others, in amazing ways. I thank you so much for sharing your fears, triumphs, and setbacks. You are truly an amazing woman. (It's okay to miss him, even if he did suck.)