Special request from Biscuit. I'm more than happy to post it as that's a pretty scary thing:
hey I know this blog has an amazing group of people with prayer power.. so if you have a second and could pray for my 4 year old neighbor lillian who has a ruptured appendix after a (negligible) bad diagnosis. She is fighting hard to stay alive.. and as of tonight, she's got a 50/50 shot.. so any little prayer or a good thought sent her way would help. sorry to hijack the comments thread.. but I need people power.. peace to all biscuit
Well, I had an interesting night. I was all set to watch one of my all-time favorite shows, Boston Legal, last night and then was going to take my sleeping pill. (why is it that all it takes for me to laugh are the words Denny Crane?)
So I get into the show for literally about five minutes and then I PASS OUT. Completely. Like dead to the world. I even missed two phone calls. I wake up at 2:30, go in the kitchen and take the sleeping pill. I wasn't about to sit up for the next four hours. It worked. I slept again until about 5:30. Good enough for me. Now I just need to figure out how to watch the show I missed. Totally bummed. There aren't many shows I really look forward to watching, but that's one of them.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I just had like the worst worst leg pain ever and was super duper slow. Like slow enough to have three people offer to get me a wheelchair. Um. Hell no!
I also got called "sir" again when I went to get lunch - um... dangly earrings, girly cute tunic shirt, sparkly sandals, push up bra even - I looked cute for a bald chick.... so... I know. I'm bald with a mask on. Finally I yelled... "I'M A GIRL. I'M FEMALE. AND EVERY DAY I COME HERE FOR LUNCH AND YOU CALL ME SIR. I DON'T APPRECIATE IT." The chick looked embarrassed, but I was really glad I did that.
When Mom picked me up, we went to Disneyland, aka SuperTarget. I love grocery shopping. It's nice to pick out the stuff that you are familiar with. It was nice to get out even though I was super shuffle woman.
I continue my love/hate relationship with Oprah. (ok. I adore her. I'll admit big time love for my Oprah) I bought another issue of her magazine. I just love it. It really is pretty upbeat. I guess I just sort of covet all her money though. (but hey, there are much nastier people with more money :::cough:ParisHilton:cough::: ) So much of my adult life has been worrying about how to pay for stuff or juggling bills or whatever. So on one hand, I love all her great articles and insights, but I also hate looking at $395 shirts and $70 chocolates. Because I know I'll never own stuff like that.
She has an article on Willie Nelson. I adore him. I love it that he now has a book called: The Tao of Willie: A Guide to Happiness in Your Heart. This gem is totally true:
On happiness: "If you consider all the people you know who seem truly happy, there is likely to be one trait - one essential perspective on life - that each of these happy people share .... It is the word now. It is the understanding that happiness exists at just one time. And that time is now."
I know that sometimes we all do it. I'll be happier when I have x, y, z. When I'm thinner. When I'm wealthier. When I get a better job. When I get pregnant. When my kids are older. When, well, whatever.
So in the meantime, you drudge through life waiting for these magical moments to happen?
It's great to have goals or something to look forward to. But you should be living your life to the fullest in the mean time. Or at least trying to.
I know I do it myself. I'll be happier when I'm stronger. I can't wait to eat fresh fruits and veggies. I want hair. I can't wait to have more energy. I can't wait to be with Zoe again. And the one that bugs me the most is how much I really want a, um, significant other in my life.
[aside] that last one really does bug me. I know that (ha - overall) I'm a pretty good catch. But I also know that um... I'm bald, not in any kind of shape, look uglier than I ever have in my life, am recovering from a major procedure and cancer. And in no place to date. It should be the last thing on my mind right now, but it's so in the forefront. I guess because dealing with all of this really is lonely.
Even though I'm surrounded by those that love and support me, I just feel so alone most of the time. Even when other people are there. I know my heart is really hurting still. I'm a silly romantic dorkfus and dreamer like that. And while I want to have someone, there still feels like I have a hole in my heart. And "practical deb" knows that this is the time you absolutely don't need to be thinking about dating or men, nor do I really want to. (not like there is any place to meet them either - the dudes at the hospital look right past you or at you like a disease) I guess I need to start reading all the great books everyone sent me to distract me - of which I have like 2394239832. Mostly I feel like I need a big time vacation or a weekend away at the beach. But that's what I'm talking about. It's not the NOW.
Well I guess I need to take Willie's advice today. And just start being happy because I can. I am going to choose to be happy now. Because there might not be a later. And because I bought my favorite Einstein bagels and flavored coffee yesterday. So I'll start my happiness with breakfast, a workout, and then I get the day off to do my fluids at home - yay!
I can do this. And I can do this NOW.
Today your assignment is to choose this day to be happy. Don't be worrying about tomorrow or how it all will be better later. Choose today to do something to make you happy. I know sometimes life sucks donkey butts, but there is still so much good out there. You just have to find it. And if it is just one little thing, like making your coffee the exact way you like it, or sitting and enjoying your Honey Nut Cheerios, coloring with your child, or taking your dog for a long walk, listening to some great music on your Ipod, or even laughing at your favorite tv show, choose today to be happy. Choose the now.
And then every day make it a choice.
(Why do I feel all Oprah-ish? hahahahaha)
I miss you. Still. Like every minute. Your smile melts me. I'm grilled cheese toast.
Posted by debutaunt at April 19, 2006 06:15 AMDeb,
I'm going to be happy, yes I am... OH! You mean NOW?! Hee... ok. :)
Thank you for being who you are, Deb. I love the daily assignments, and the reminders about what SHOULD be important in our lives. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Take care, darlin.
Hugs
Posted by: CircusKelli at April 19, 2006 08:14 AMGreat post. Once again you've made my eyes well up.
Posted by: lynne at April 19, 2006 08:17 AMOh how close this post brought me to tears. Happy tears, I swear.
You are exactly right about putting off happiness until we actually become that perfect person we dream of. Of course, so few of us actually get there.
So yes, I'll be happy today. I needed an attitude adjustment. Yea for Willie quotes!
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at April 19, 2006 08:23 AMoh deb you're my favorite!!
enjoy your bagel!!
what is your favorite kind? mine is a whole wheat bagel or honey wheat bagel with honey cream cheese.
xoxo
Posted by: clandestine at April 19, 2006 08:34 AMI LOVE Willie Nelson! I love you too! Again, you are so right on the money babe. Happiness is a choice. Each and every moment of each and every day. Thank you again for the very timely reminder. You rock!
Posted by: Traci at April 19, 2006 08:35 AM"sometimes life sucks donkey butts" -that made me happy right now-I want that on a t-shirt.
I can empathize with never being alone but oh so lonely. And feeling somewhat guilty for wanting more when I have so much already. But that ache for that other half never really goes away. So I am trying to work through that. I believe that some of us don't get the "happily ever after." And that sucks donkey butts.
Well today I will choose to be happy with the fact that I can read and what I read everyday (like your blog) gives me such joy and laughter and tears. Have a blessed day.
Deneen
Oh, it's...
I want to say "It's life". What I mean is, you have such a strong will to live that that is why you want a significant other. Because it's life, it's living, it IS.
But I don't know if that sounds right.
Well, I hope you get what I mean. I don't know what it has to do with living in the now; not much I guess. But I know you're going to be okay. You ARE okay.
I love it that you spoke your mind to that girl (who needed it, IMHO). Calling you Sir, indeed!
Posted by: Philosophical Karen at April 19, 2006 09:14 AMNot only are you female, you are the QUEEN! I am pleased you asserted your royal self to get her attention. Sometimes people don't realize how damaging we can be simply by NOT paying real attention to the people around us, our customers, clients, neighbors, etc. She probably didn't intend to rough up your feelings, but she just wasn't paying attention. Perhaps your self-respect will serve as a good example for her. I'm thinking of you today, Deb.
Posted by: eclectic at April 19, 2006 09:52 AMYou are such a beautiful writer. I think these posts could become a book.
We had an encounter with a very rude person--too long of a story to go into here--and my cousin who has had two children that have had to go through chemo said if everyone could spend some time in a children's oncology ward they would look at things differently and not be so petty. The rude woman didn't listen to Willie. Maybe some of Willie's happy stuff can help you sleep and not take a sleeping pill.
Glad you are doing well.
Thank you for your inspiration every single day. You are in my prayers. I totally get the not alone but lonely complex, too. We single women should have some sort of conference where we watch Kill Bill and drink margaritas and talk about how much we kick ass.
Posted by: Lauren at April 19, 2006 10:55 AMIt is a choice.
You are very Oprah-ish today - and there's nothing wrong with that.
mmmm, bagels and coffee!
hey, don't forget to look at people's show and tells tomorrow, we're posting for you.
Posted by: blackbird at April 19, 2006 11:01 AMI dig Willie, too. You know he makes biodiesel, right? Good stuff.
I am so glad you told that chick off. Darn her.
Posted by: Kami at April 19, 2006 11:10 AMAnd I forgot to say, after suffering a hot appy myself, that if your kid has a stomach ache that won't go away, and the pain is BAD, make sure they test him/her for this. Yes, a ruptured appy can kill you. And little people cannot explain their symptoms. I know there is no way my son would have been able to explain the pain I was feeling.
I will be thinking about her.
Posted by: Kami at April 19, 2006 11:18 AMI've been meaning to do this for a while, but I have to confess. I'm a long time lurker. I love your blog though and am so so happy that you are doing well. So, two things. 1. Send me your mailing address to my email and 2. Do you have a VCR?
Posted by: Dawn at April 19, 2006 12:50 PMAloha Deb,
Yo cousin here. Live in the now but if now is not so good remember, it's all a temporary thing.
Willie and the Planetary Bandits are playing at the Kokua Festival in Wailuku, Maui this afternoon. Kokua is to help or assist in Hawaiian. Jack Johnson is the headliner. Ben Harper will be there, too. I'm not going cuz I'm babysitting one of my Anrea's friends new baby boy. He's less than 2 months old. I haven't held a new baby in over 18 years. This should be fun.
There are alot of very good thoughful people in our world. There are also the others. I will pray that you continue to attract the good folk and detract the Others. We're pullin for you every day out here in the mid Pacific.
Aloha,
EV
Thanks for your inspiration everyday! And man...did you miss a good boston Legal last night. Maybe it will reair another time.
by the way...
DENNY CRANE!
denny crane may make you laugh, but donkey butts, made me laugh! reminds me of when the hubs says, "yeah, that'll happen when monkeys fly out of my ass."
i make chocolates. i will make you some of them there $70 chocolates. i even made them for my husband's uncle and he's diabetic and he said they didn't raise his sugar at all, so they're good like that too.
today i chose not to answer my phone and deal with the peeps who have been bugging me, so i fulfilled your assignment without even knowing it :)
Posted by: moxiemomma at April 19, 2006 04:43 PMWhat an inspirational post! Good for you for setting that girl straight! Some people! I can relate to your loneliness although I don't have as much on my plate to deal with as you do. All things in time. Thanks for reminding me to smile and enjoy the things that are good in life right now. :)
Posted by: Carrie at April 19, 2006 04:58 PMthanks for posting that deb, I really do appreciate it.. another bad night last night and the antibiotics aren't working.. neither is the tube, so surgery tomorrow..
I truly appreciate you putting that up as part of your post.. I really didn't expect it.. but we all thank everyone..
leg pain sucks.. denny crane is hysterical and I too love target!
have a great rest of the day
biscuit
You have your now, your kicking ass in the now, and your living in the now.
A beach vacation? Icing on the cake!
Love,
Dawn
Thank you for the "Tao of Willie"...though I've heard that lesson so many different ways, I still seem to be learning it!
Thank you for teaching!
alan
Posted by: alan at April 20, 2006 04:00 AMI just found you via Blackbird. Wow! What a great writer - I can't wait till I have time to go and read your archives. I lost my mom to cancer and know the "ugliness" you are referring to. You need to know that others don't see it the way that you do.
Thank you for the assignment. I will try to focus on happiness today!
Posted by: carol at April 20, 2006 07:29 AMI am reading this a day late but choosing NOW to start being happy. And tomorrow too. Since I have found your blog your strength has made me happy everytime I read it. Thank you for that.
Posted by: Michelle at April 20, 2006 08:47 PM