Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.~Edna St. Vincent Millay
I am feeling really bittersweet today. Overwhelmed. Sweet because my darling girl is here, but overwhelmed by what lies ahead of me. It's so much. I don't know if I will ever be able to "do" my life. To handle everything.
I'm also overwhelmed by thoughts of Nikki and Shoshie and Lisabeth and Sam and Sarah and Rachel and the other quiet sisters. By thoughts of him. Missing him and his laugh and his easy way of reassuring me that it was ok and that I was doing it. His laughter was my sunshine. He always knew what to say to make it right. Always.
Today my heart is just hurting. I just want to grab Zoe and hold her close and cry. But that's not ok. She can't see that.
I am going to go back through my blog today a bit as a reminder that I can do this. There are some days that I really feel like it will never be ok again.
Posted by debutaunt at April 22, 2006 05:06 PMdeb- your honesty is humbling. thank you for sharing. you can do this today. just one step at a time. keep getting stronger, keep loving. give your burdens to God. with Him all things are possible. let Him give you strength and guide your path.
Posted by: miah at April 22, 2006 06:15 PMWow, Deb...there must be a reason I stopped what I was doing to come here. It's incredible that I've been feeling the same way today. I guess I ought to say this afternoon instead because this morning I felt alright. {{{{{Deb}}}}} It's ok to cry honey...even in front of Zoe. Love you.
Posted by: Traci at April 22, 2006 06:15 PMYou can do this - one moment, one step, one hug at a time. Zoe needs you to be strong and believe me, you are. You show strength by the truckload. Just remember the long-term vision to teach her how to cope through whatever life will bring to her doorstep, even the unpleasant things. By showing her that you take it one moment, one step, one hug at a time and by having good people around you who can lean upon. Staying strong for her is good, don't misunderstand, but she's learning that overcoming adversity means being adaptable, innovative and upbeat but also that sometimes you lean into others when you can't work through everything on your own.
You can do it, just keep your eye on the goal and shuffle, step or hobble however you can.
Posted by: Bren / Cody'sMom at April 22, 2006 08:04 PMthinking about you, deb. xo
Posted by: kristin at April 22, 2006 08:11 PMDeb, i've been thinking about your post. I hope you can enjoy the todays and don't worry about the tomorrows and certainly there is nothing we can do about the yesterdays.
I hope you can treasure your time with your sweet little girl and deal with the rest of life's adventures (crap) in the morning.
thinking of you and Zoe
Nancy
Deb,
I have come out of lurking to post. I will probably receive some hate mail over this...I just want you to know that I am in awe of your ignorant bliss. As harsh as that sounds, you have been given this amazing gift that EVERY cancer parent in the world WISHES AND PRAYS for daily, if not hourly. To have and take away from their child this evil and debilitating disease that is cancer. To take their pain and ease their suffering. You know, Deb, it is always said that things could be worse, and believe me, things could be. It could be your Zoe who fights and struggles every day through the pain of chemo and nauseating medication...a missed childhood of camping and birthday parties because she is just too sick to go. And a list of firsts that will never come to pass...Keep fighting, dear Deb, and do it with the continued grace and humor that you have always shown. And look to your beautiful Zoe for inspiration and know that as bad as it is, it could always be worse. You can do it, and you will do it. There is not an option to fail...You must keep fighting the good fight
Posted by: CancerMom at April 22, 2006 09:38 PMwww.thesurvivormovie.com
Posted by: CancerMom at April 22, 2006 10:30 PMYeah, today sucks big ass.
It does.
I hope that YOU are feeling better.
I miss Shoshie, too, and I sure could use her cheering up.
Posted by: Kami at April 23, 2006 01:57 AMHey Queen! Sorry I've been AWOL, but well... I'm back now. The cycle of ups and downs is tiring, isn't it? But the ups are getting longer, and the downs are getting shorter, and you're making progress each and every day, even when they don't feel good. You CAN do this, you ARE doing this, and your life will take its own shape when you are ready. It's all good! Hugs to you,
~Shari
You can do it. I spent over an hour yesterday reading through your blog and trust me go back adn read it YOU CAN DO IT. Once you get this nasty business of kicking cancer's ass out of the way everything else will happen as it should. You are an amazing woman, mom, cancer ass kicker, sister, daughter etc.
Posted by: Michelle at April 23, 2006 07:39 AMDeb,
You don't know me from Adam but that last comment from cancer Mom pissed me the hell off!!! WTF?? Your response to her was justified..you keep on keeping on my love..you totally rock... I want you to know you are an inspiration to me. my sons best friend since 1st grade (they are freshman in high school now) is in hospital and has been since december..he has AML.. he just had a stem cell transplant..I think that's how I found your blog..anyway.. you are totally amazing.. but you know that right?? ;-) Love and warm thoughts to you and your lovely little family...
Lyn
Posted by: Lynda at April 23, 2006 07:45 AM