[rant on]
You are about to experience the patented Deb_bitch. It's not a pretty sight. Especially when I've been awake since 2:45, my legs are killing me, darvon does nothing, ativan - nada and the sleeping pill is like eating a Skittle. My grammar is always horrible when I bitch. And I can't spell. I also am hungry, but will not be eating at 4:30am.
I'm sure this commenter had nothing but good intentions, not sure, I don't know her, but when I read it, it just made my ass twitch a bit. I know that my panties will unwad soon enough, but I just am up to my ears in good intentions.
If you are a bit sensitive, you may want to skip the extended entry.
You have been warned. (P.S. sorry Dad)
Signed,
Debu_Bitch
aka Debutaunt
aka Bitchkateer
FROM CANCER MOM:
Deb, I have come out of lurking to post. I will probably receive some hate mail over this...I just want you to know that I am in awe of your ignorant bliss. As harsh as that sounds, you have been given this amazing gift that EVERY cancer parent in the world WISHES AND PRAYS for daily, if not hourly. To have and take away from their child this evil and debilitating disease that is cancer. To take their pain and ease their suffering. You know, Deb, it is always said that things could be worse, and believe me, things could be. It could be your Zoe who fights and struggles every day through the pain of chemo and nauseating medication...a missed childhood of camping and birthday parties because she is just too sick to go. And a list of firsts that will never come to pass...Keep fighting, dear Deb, and do it with the continued grace and humor that you have always shown. And look to your beautiful Zoe for inspiration and know that as bad as it is, it could always be worse. You can do it, and you will do it. There is not an option to fail...You must keep fighting the good fight
My child anchors me to this earth. There is nothing in this world that will stop me from fighting and trying to get stronger (gracefully, humorously or not) because of my daughter (and my loved ones). None of what I'm going through will ever stop me. So don't worry your Cancer Mom head about that.
But look, lady, I don't want to be in your shoes (I'm assuming your child has cancer - I don't know you, whatever). I can't imagine the horror of having a child that has to go through this. I see them all the time at the hospital. And if you've read anything that I've written, you'd know I've always thought things could be worse. Hey, there are even people who are worse off than you are right now. Um.... let's review ... Sarah, Nikki, Clem, Eric, and then the other six people that I have become online friends with who have died since October. Not to mention all of the other patients I know/meet at MDA who are not doing well, and some of whom... well I know are gonna die. And all of their loved ones (who I love like my own family) that are left behind to grieve.
While a parent may have a child with cancer, what about those whose children are abducted? (We've got a three year old missing right now in Houston) You may have to watch your child suffer with cancer, but those parents have no clue if their children are being abused, raped, murdered, alive/dead, where their bodies are, who has them. Let's all start comparing what could be worse, shall we?
But fucking trust me, you don't want to be in my shoes either. I am not able to "ease" Zoe's suffering either. Don't talk to me about missed childhoods of camping and birthday parties, because to Zoe, I AM missing them. I have missed them. Seeing my child on the weekends is not the same. I think I've seen her all of ten maybe fifteen times since October. Losing the priviledge of raising your own child, even temporarily, is agonizing. Not seeing her every day is killing me. Having her see me sick, tired, weak, taking 39203 pills, is humiliating and sad to me and frightening to her.
I rarely talk of it because if I did, I would need drugs. Lots of them. And not the cancer kind.
Explaining death to a six year old, which I had to do again tonight, rips your heart out. Telling your child that her hair won't fall out too, or that if she accidently bumped my catheter that I won't deflate or bleed to death, or that she can't catch mom's disease is a walk in the park.
She asked me if I will be alive for Christmas. She won't give up clothes or shoes that are too small because I was the one that bought them for her. She clings to me like a wet pair of panties when she comes to visit. Like if she doesn't get enough time in, I won't be here the next time. Have you listened to your sick child on the phone and not been able to take her to the doctor or comfort her yourself? And how fun is it to say goodbye to her at the end of the weekend? She never knows if she will see me again. I don't know if I will see her again.
Have you done your will? Gotten a power of attorney? Advanced directives in case you end up like Terry Shiavo? Do you have a DNR? Have you planned your funeral? Have you had to depend on your family to take care of you? Have you decided who will raise your child in case of your death? Have you applied for disability? Have you thought about not being able to work for a year or two? How are you for money? It's fun to beg.
And we won't even go into some of the conversations Zoe's had with Sis #2. She has chosen not to tell me everything because she knows that it is already difficult enough. I can't imagine the things Sis #2 has to explain, not only to Zoe but to her own children as well.
Try living every day with the knowledge that you might die, that cancer will follow you the rest of your life, and you then will not be able to finish your most important life work - raising your child, and then tell me about worse.
There is always worse. I know this. I'm not a fucking dumbass.
Sometimes I just want people to shut the fuck up. You think my child isn't suffering? Yes, she's not puking and sick and going through chemo and missing birthday parties, but when you see her face and how scared she is of me and how she is scared I'm going to die or that we won't have a home or that she will never get to live with me again, then tell me she's not suffering.
I can tell her a thousand times that I'm getting better, but she still thinks I'm going to die.
And you know what? I still might. No matter how hard I fight, how careful I am, how good my prognosis looks or whatever my doctor tells me; one infection could kill me. One setback could kill me. One dickhead at the grocery store looking for Theraflu who sneezes in my general direction and I am dead. Graft vs. host could mean death.
And as far as that "well meaning" survivor movie link you posted, I've seen that crap. "I have cancer, but cancer does not have me." Cancer is just a bend in the road. Cancer reminds me to be humble. I call bullshit. Once you have cancer, you have the shadow for the rest of your life. You can go on and live life to the fullest, you can be all Lance Armstrong'd, but you still have the shadow following you. You will always fear tests. You will always fear biopsies and your numbers. You will always wonder if the toxic waste they polluted your system with will spawn off yet another type of cancer (which... did you know happens?) And you will always be reminded that you are broken. You may be fixed now, but you are fragile.
I don't like being called a cancer survivor. Because I may not survive it - I mean, shit, hopefully I will, but you never know. I think when you say survivor it's like you are tempting fate. I'd much rather be called Mommy. Or Aunt Debby. Or Adorkable. Or Beloved. I survive life, baby. That's way harder than surviving stupid cancer.
I didn't need cancer to tell me things could always be worse. I didn't need cancer to inspire me. Or make me stronger or more faithful. Or to show me that I could overcome adversity. Or to make me appreciate my beloved Zoe, my loved ones or my life more. Cancer didn't make me stop and smell the flowers. I already knew all that. I already felt that way.
Hell, getting out of a bad marriage inspired me to live my life more graciously and joyfully way the hell more than cancer ever ever ever could.
Cancer kicked me on my ass. It didn't ruin my life, but cancer does have me. Forever. Fuck cancer. And, um, fuck you.
(holy crap. Now I feel like I should go to confession)
[P.S. An addendum. Another poster on my leukemia forum that had a transplant died yesterday.]
All I will say is good for you for writing what you feel. Good for you for getting it out. Ya know the saying until you have walked a mile in my shoes right....I think you are right. No matter how well intentioned that post was there is a different struggle in each situation and to say "your's could be worse" is not fair. As you know I had cancer as a child. My life was not a series of missed events but a period of time that sucked. Your cancer is the same a period of time that sucks. Anyone with cancer can die whether child or adault. Anyone with cancer, as you said, wonders once in remission, when/if/how it will come back. Basically with cancer you worry...in my opinion about all the things you mentioned and probably 100 more things that you don't share with us.
I am blessed that I was young enough that I do not remember my cancer, but I remember the after effects. I hope that if I ever have to battle "just a bend in the road" again that I can do it with as much grace, dignity, love and humor that you do.
Posted by: Michelle at April 23, 2006 07:54 AMDeb, keep on trying to fight the cancer. If you recall, I had it and it looks like it is gone, but the Doc checks it every 6 months. The key is to know that many people are praying for your total recovery. And God does answer prayers, even to the point where we can listen to His responses. Hang in there. I'll probably be seeing you on the afternoon of May 1st. Don't know how long I'll be in Houston, probally until Friday. And oh, by the way, most of the time, we grow stronger has we struggle against adversity. Just press on! Love, "The Dad"
Posted by: The Dad at April 23, 2006 07:58 AMDeb,
I discovered your site last night (in the typical roundabout way that blogs are stumbled across) and I came here specifically this morning to tell you how much you affected me. I have not been able to get you out of my head! (Weird, I know.) I have gone over and over the many entries I read last night and the one thing I wanted to say, especially after reading this mornings post, is: Way to go! I'm impressed with you and by you.
I don't know if I could do what you do the way you do it, but I can only pray that I could do it with at least as much sheer determination and humor as you.
Again, WAY TO GO! (Can I get an AMEN SISTAH?)
To quote Forrest Gump: "That's all I have to say about that."
Posted by: a kept woman at April 23, 2006 08:25 AMAmen, sistah!! Tell it like it is. Until she has walked in YOUR SHOES, she doesn't know. You ROCK!! You inspire so many of us!! Keep on keeping on!
Again, I don't know when blog readers will understand, "It's my blog, and I'll say what I please."
Maybe she thinks that you're fishing for sympathy. Maybe she is fishing for sympathy. Or is it phish? Eh, who cares?
It sounds as if you have touched the depths of hell and lived to tell us about it. Who can blame you for not candy coating it? Sure it can always be worse, but it sure as shizz could be better.
Hoo-rah Deb! You will always be an inspiration to me.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at April 23, 2006 09:16 AMI'm just not sure what the hell her point was. What was she trying to accomplish?
Anyway, you answered it all just as you should have. :)
HUGS. Maybe I should just keep on driving after seeing my family near Tyler today, come down to H-Town, and we can bitch about shit together. I AM FUCKING SICK OF DEATH, too. SICK OF IT.
If I get one more phone call...
Posted by: Kami at April 23, 2006 09:20 AMWhy do people always feel the need to judge?
You are sharing your world with us and 99.9999% of us are soooo appreciative that you let us in. We can never expect to completely understand what you're going through and we have absolutely no right to tell you how to feel, be, or act. You are the only one that can live your life and you are doing it with grace, dignity, humor and strength.
Posted by: Sonya at April 23, 2006 09:23 AMWow! I am amazed how that person can post such nonsense about you. You should realize how much you inspire people. You have such incredible strength and love and humor. Even with your illness you always manage to find so much to do with your daughter. Well the thousands and thousands of us who read your blog get it and too bad for that woman who doesn't. Someone like that just makes you stronger.
Posted by: Carol at April 23, 2006 09:26 AMI think that woman just needed someone to blow up on or something. From first hand experience, watching your single mother fight cancer is no easy thing on a six year old (how old I was). I just didnt understand CANCER.
Posted by: Fellow Eskimo at April 23, 2006 10:31 AMyou are the best.
i saw that comment last night and thought it was so obnoxious.
that was the perfect response. so honest. refreshing in its honesty.
you're my hero!
xoxo
Posted by: clandestine at April 23, 2006 10:38 AMYou said just the right things to her. I love your writing and feel like I know you through it. I wish we were friends.
Posted by: Tutu at April 23, 2006 11:02 AMI don't know what to say, but I don't want to stay silent. I can never know how you feel, because I am not in your shoes.
I am glad this commenter gave you the opportunity to vent all those things that you never usually write about, because that is part of your life too. I'm so sorry it's part of your life.
Posted by: Philosophical Karen at April 23, 2006 11:03 AMDeb, keep on KICKING ANYONES OR THINGS ASS that gets in your way. You sure know how to write girl, and please keep on writting. You are a inspriation. I hope you get some sleep during the normal hours soon.
Deb: Good for you hunny! I'm glad you tell it like it is for you and I'm glad you stand up and shout too. Brava!
You are inspiring and I really do believe you ought to consider a book out of all this blogging! It would be fabulous!
Posted by: Traci at April 23, 2006 11:52 AMHey Adorkable- I like that. Adorkable. You are more than that. You are human. You exude love for your precious Zoe, you also have hurts. So much on your mind, that I only wish and pray would go away for you. If only for a few hours.
We see our kids go through so much- it dosent have to be them having cancer to hurt with what they go through. In a perfect world kids wouldnt have to go through that. This world is far from perfect.
Last night I left the house at 9ish at night. I went for a very long walk, headphones on, talking to myself, praying, wondering where the heck my faith has went. I walked until 11pm. I hang on, but the thread gets thinner and thinner. I want it to be a thick rope again. I know you and I are not going through nearly the same things. But we both have children that are hurting. We want to make it go away and we cant. We try to shield them the best we can, and it dosent always work. We take on the hurt for them. Thats what mommy's do. Or is it mommies? Does it really matter?
Lets go to Hawaii.
Love,
Dawn
All I can say is BRAVO , I was kind of shocked when I read cancermoms comment, I thought she was way out of line, but you handled it like only you can,with the grace and dignity that is DEB and if cancermom comes back and reads your post I hope she feels like the idiot she is.
Posted by: Robbi at April 23, 2006 01:21 PMi cried like a baby through that entire post of truthfulness.
hang in there deb. no one has the right to judge. *no one*.
she can, as my mother says, "go pound tar!" (only with a boston accent, so it sounds like "tah!")
xomox
Posted by: moxiemomma at April 23, 2006 01:39 PMYeah, nothing like a comment informing you that it could be worse while implying that THEY, indeed, have it worse. Lord knows you know it could be worse which sucks in so many ways becuase it is really shitty already. I don't know why there is so much competition/comparisons with having cancer. I have experienced this myself. The minimizing of my experience in relation to other experiences. There are so many realms of suckage when dealing with this disease whether you have it or love somebody with it. I am sorry that you got this comment. Hugs to you.
Posted by: Von Krankipantzen at April 23, 2006 03:58 PMDeb, that commenter's post was no different from our recent trip's jokes (and please, I'm not comparing cancer to jokes, your realize, I'm a "cancer survivor", which is meaningless, because just as you say, it follows you forever)about "My ship's bigger than your ship." Or big swinging d***. It was ill thought out and totally condescending and pretentious. One needs to evaluate one's statements sometimes, ya know?
Keep kickin' ass lady.
Posted by: Kim at April 23, 2006 04:11 PMI feel like I should have something profound to say, but then I realize that you've said it all. People in blogland can really amaze me some days. Of course you know how much worse it could be. Duh. You have said it before yourself.
Keep writing for you, don't let what others say get you down. 99.998% of us here are cheering you on, really loud and rowdy-like.
Adorkable. That is still making me giggle.
Posted by: Christine at April 23, 2006 07:31 PMI'm weighing in and will be brief hopefully. The first thought that came to mind when I read CancerMom's comment was "there's plenty of suckage to go around and it's not a matter of 'better' or 'worse' or 'easier' for any of the patients or their families and friends."
Marching to hell and back to regain life plain ol' sucks. Like Deb, my son is kicking cancer's ass. I remark quite often that "the kids make this look much, much easier than it really must be" and I'd be willing to bet that thought may have crossed your mom's mind, too, Deb. I am in awe of what he's been able to do because this is his battle just like I'm in awe when I visit here and see more reaching out to assure others that she's doing this rather than asking for much from those who read. I'm hopefully a helpful though often frustrated onlooker in a battle I can't win for them but man, am I glad there's even a shred of hope that it can be fought and hopefully won. I know the other option sucks worse (BTDT with my firstborn). We hold in high esteem those who face what we can't imagine facing.
Sometimes perspective is hard to keep when the suckfest is too raw, too real, and too long in your face. I can't speak for CancerMom nor for Deb but it's tough to find balance when there's so much on your plate - I think balance may be when each person says what they feel and know that they'll get an honest response.
Posted by: Bren / Cody'sMom at April 23, 2006 09:26 PMGood for you Deb. I think I might have read that original post and thought to myself "holy crap she is clueless . . .". I'm glad you got it all out and I'm not Catholic but I doubt confession is necessary. :-)
So very sorry to hear about the death of the other transplant person. :-(
Hugs to you
First of all, confession is always a purty good thing to do. It makes me feel better every time I do (except the time that I confessed something really personal to a younger priest and I think I embarassed him.)
Second of all, someone can always find something worse than what you are experiencing. How about the person whose child has cancer, but can't afford healthcare and has to just watch their child slowly die? How about the person who can afford food and has to watch their child starve? I'm with you Deb, there is always something more sucky out there.
My favorite amusing passtime is to listen to other people bitch about their lives. Usually it is pretty minor stuff. I sit there silently, nodding my head in sympathy, then comes the best part where they ask me what's going on with my life. I start by telling about Deb and Zoe, about the move and buying a home, some other stuff and how we don't how long or what the outcome with be. At that point their faces go white and you can feel their shame.
I'm giggling on the inside because I know that no matter what your condition in this world is there are always sucky things about it. Just because someone's life is suckier, doesn't mean that it wasn't God awlful that you've had everyone (including yourself) experience a vomiting/mud butt stomach virus.)
It's the human condition. I think it's a buddist saying that "life is suffering."
No matter how good your life is, there's alway something. No matter how bad your life is, you know there's something.
My mantra these days is: "It's not forever." And these days have truely humbled me, and brought me to my knees, and there I am. I offer everything to God and trust that He will take care of all.
It's that simple, but it's not easy.
I am just looking forward to the day when all of this is over and worst problem I have is that I can't decide whether to have the sea bass or the veal for dinner.
Posted by: sis #2 at April 24, 2006 05:32 PMDeb...
I am SO feeling you right now.
Half of what people say to me anymore, I have to bite my tongue and remind myself..."It was meant with good intentions..."
The fact of the matter is that this sucks for everyone. If we were to play the "I have it worse than you do" game, we'd all be going around in circles for hours.
For example, at least you got the chance to have kids, CancerMom. Some of us didn't even get that.
Sorry to be a bummer but I wanted to let you know that I am still reading and thinking about you (and commisserating).
I second the earlier comment about going to Hawaii. Let's go and have a big Kick Cancer's Ass shindig.
With love,
Amanda
ugh
It sucks that you had to expend the energy to write this, Deb. Hopefully it was cathartic for you, and that commenters are more considerate of your space in the future.
Posted by: mrtl at April 26, 2006 12:10 AM