debutaunt.com

MeOuch

Yesterday I walked 2,064 steps. That's a mile. How did you do?

Yeah, like I'm a stud. After my rehab, I could barely walk, and when Mom finally picked me up, I came home, crashed on my bed before my shower and ... well, cried. I couldn't believe how sad I felt. The steroids were playing all heck with my knees yesterday so they were swollen. I wanted a wheelchair in the worst way, but was determined to go at it alone and walk it out. I just don't want to go backwards, you know?

So when I got to rehab, I rode the bike, did the weird "hand bike," did 3 different type of leg squat exercises, a leg extension workout, lat pulldowns, bench press, then biceps and triceps. It was the hardest workout I have ever had in my life - and I used to play basketball in college - running hills, suicides, weight training, all that crazy insane coach training stuff. Six days a week, three hours a day. I also did that Body for Life Challenge and used to be able to do all of that so easily.

This time, like when I went to get on one of the squat presses, I couldn't even lift my leg up to set it on the platform. I had to lift it with my hands and place it up there. Same thing with going from a sitting to a standing position. I have been forcing myself to not use my hands as much as possible and like get up using just my legs. But sometimes I can't do it. We won't even discuss stairs.

I'm so lucky though. I really am. I mean I have a lot of muscle loss, but at least I am walking. At least I'm fairly healthy and still kind of strong. There are so many people in the rehab center that can't walk at all. So I'm choosing to be grateful even though I'm trying really hard not to get discouraged. I constantly think about Zoe. I think about my friends - and all of you - who tell me... "stay on target," and encourage me. I know I can do this. It's going to take longer than I thought though, but I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am going to get stronger. I just am. But man. Yesterday just hurt.

It's 7am and I'm craving steak?

Anyway, I have off today. I'm relieved. I am going to go to the gym sometime later, but most of all I'm thrilled that Zoe has a teacher inservice day tomorrow and is going to be here tonight for the weekend. How cool is that??? I'm sooooo excited. I can't wait to smoosh on that girl.

Mom and I are also going to go to the grocery store. I'm hoping not to have one of my weird OCD feelings when I get there, but it will be fun to shop and get healthy yum stuff. We've been looking over lots of recipes. Although I think she may ban me from watching The Food Network. I'm obsessed with it now. I like the 30 minute meals by Rachel Ray, although when she says EVOO, referring to Extra Virgin Olive Oil, it drives me nuts. Because not only does she says the acronym, she then explains it too. But I like her.

I was reading blogs this morning (I've been up since 4:30), and I saw the topic of blog/internet friends. Like are they real even though they may have never met?

I know that my blog started years ago after my husband and I split. I have a degree in Writing and used to journal all the time in college and after. Then I got married and I just... stopped writing. I don't know why. Perhaps it was because I was uninspired, perhaps it was because my husband was paranoid and suspicious all the time, but I just didn't write for about seven years.

Then about a year after we split and I started dating, I started this blog. It's been hosted a few places, but here I am, pinky pink and all. I mainly started this because my ex saw that I was dating and went insane. He harassed me via the phone and email at work. It was horrible. He was such a jerk about it. I guess his prediction that I was "So f*cking ugly and fat and undesirable that no man will ever want you again" wasn't coming true and it made him mad.

By this time, Zoe was about three years old. All my old frustrations with my ex were just making me crazy. And I knew that I just couldn't be upset around her. I mean it's one thing to let your kids see you show some emotion, but it's another thing to be screaming on the phone and arguing that "yeah, I should smoke some crack so I could lose all the fat I have" with your ex.

I'm sorry, but only assholes involve their children in arguments or serious issues with their exes. You don't badmouth your ex in front of your kids or tell them your business. It's just a shitty thing to do. No matter what, that person will forever be the other parent to your child. And to the child, that parent is half of who their identity is. Just because you don't love/like them doesn't mean the child doesn't love their other parent. It's confusing to them and hurtful. Hateful even.

If the ex is a jerk, unfortunately the child will find out soon enough for themselves, but you don't need to spell it out for them. It's just not a responsible thing to do. I can't stand it when I hear people do that. I just want to put my foot in their ass.

[aside] I'm just glad Zoe's dad finally has changed his ways. While he's not a horrible person, he just has always seemed to make some really dumb choices. But we get along great now - like old friends. And he calls to check on me quite often. I think he was one of the saddest ones when I was first diagnosed. He also adores Zoe, and calls her all the time (although she's not much for conversations with anyone). And she gets to visit him for about six weeks in the summer and has a great time. When we finally started getting along better, it really made my life so much easier.

So. I started blogging, along with the rest of the world. I never really had much of a readership before I got sick. (or if I did, they didn't really comment). But it wasn't about the readers for me. It was my outlet to talk about whatever. Not a mommy blog. Not a dating blog. Just whatever. I actually used to call this blog "Hostage in My Own Head." It was a way to vent and rant and sob and mope if I needed to without Zoe seeing it or being involved or scared because "mommy is sad." It was also cheaper and less time consuming than therapy. So that when I was around Zoe it was about us. Our life. Our fun. Our joy. Our love.

And then I got leukemia. And this was the easiest way to keep my people informed. To verbalize my fears. To psych myself up for a fight. To maybe help someone who will/is going through the same thing. But then, well, you all happened. I was adopted. Supported. Loved. And encouraged. And you all are as real to me as my own family. So many times I was just sick as a dog, discouraged, terrified, sad, and then... I'd come here and see comments. Like lots of them. And your words meant so much to me. They reminded me that I could do this. That I am doing this. And that I am still here.

So. blog/internet friends, while they may be from all parts of the world, the ginourmous internet, they connect us. They are real. (some are really weird, but real nonetheless).

Today I feel very blessed to be connected (dare I say engrafted) to you all. And you know me. I mean that as sexually as possible. (bahahahaha... that was for my Shosh. I love you, woman!).

Today I am doing this. And now I'm going to figure out that steak thing. Although it probably will just be some peanut butter toast and coffee.

Your assignment for today is to think about someone who has really made an impact in your life. It could be a family member or a friend or a teacher or clergy... anyone, even a blog friend. Someone who is important to you. Well, just give that person a little shout out today. Or do something unexpected for them. Surprise them. You might just make their day. Or your own.

Oh. AND KEEP MOVING TODAY. I need some pictures people.

"It is a curious thing in human experience but to live through a period of stress and sorrow with another person creates a bond which nothing seems able to break." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

We're stuck with each other.

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house

Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse

Keep me in your heart for while ~ Warren Zevon

Posted by debutaunt at April 27, 2006 07:08 AM