Sobbing. Phone with a friend. Hallucinating. 2am.
"Please don't let me forget. Please don't let me forget." I sobbed on the phone as I clutched my rosary. What it is I'm asking him to help me remember, I don't know, but I was just sobbing to him to promise to "help me not forget." I cried over and over. It was sad. I have never been that frightened or freaked out before. I honestly didn't think I would be seeing the light of the next day.
At this point, I think I'm going to die. I really do. I know I'm in the hospital, but that's about all I do know. I had just peed all over myself after calling for the nurses, and then I slipped and fell and twisted my knee. (TMI moment, but still, You see it sucks because they put a bed alarm on your bed, so you can't get out easily and you also have to pee all the time because they are giving you so many fluids - so going to the bathroom is kind of an ordeal.)
Encephalitis.
(Encephalitis literally means an inflammation of the brain, but it usually refers to brain inflammation caused by a virus. It's a rare disease that only occurs in approximately 0.5 per 100,000 individuals - most commonly in children, the elderly, and people with weakened immune systems (i.e., those with HIV/AIDS or cancer).
The main symptoms I was having was a fever, hallucinations, lack of appetite and wanting to sleep all the time. Mostly I knew I had that low grade fever for a week and it wasn't going away.
My mom forced me to go to the hospital. I don't remember going. I don't remember checking in.
Today was my first day out. I had a clinic appointment. It was so nice to see them all. I've been gone since May 16th. My favorite nurse didn't know I had been in "the big house." The other nurse thought I got to go to see Oprah and was still in Chicago. It just was great to be at the clinic and not in the hospital.
It was good to remember my name.
Um. Did I tell you I really thought I was going to die?
It was great today to laugh. To go one day without sobbing. To talk on the phone and actually return calls instead of having to ignore the phone because I couldn't figure out how to make it work or was to embarrassed because most times I couldn't think, I couldn't remember things and would have to say "wait... wait... I know this."
A million questions.
Do you know where you are?
What is today's date?
Who is the president?
Can you spell a five letter word?
What do you do for a living?
Are you depressed
Do you know what is wrong with you.
Each time the doctor comes in with the "gang" they ask you questions. They exam you. Some of them read my blog to see who I was before I forgot who I was. I had a ton of tests done. (spinal tap - bad - very painful)
The scariest for me was the hallucinations. Really horrible things. The nurses were talking about someone who had relapsed. I swore it was me and started crying and freaking out. Unfortunately I was right outside the nurses station and on occasion they would talk about other patients. When you are hallucinating, it's all about you and your paranoia. After all, you are going to die.
I did learn many things:
There is no end to the depth of a mother's love. Especially if she is worried and right. My mom knew something was wrong. She knew it. And I was defiant and stubborn. But mom was right.
I. have. the. best. family. ever. My sisters, my brothers, mom dad, my awesome aunts, uncles and my kickbutt cousins.
Hallucinating "sounds" cool. But unless you are in the desert dropping peyote, um, it sucks donkey butt.
Never. Under any circumstances eat two big macs. Here is my solemn vow. I will NEVER eat any food from McDonalds again. Never. You all are no longer allowed McDonalds. Not even a salad. Bleech, I am McGurgling as I type this.
If you have a fever. For a week. And they keep telling you that they don't "consider" 99.0 a fever, get a second opinion. And then a third.
Hospital food, even good hospital food, sucks. It will drive you crazy. They should do a study.
Taco Cabana is the food of the gods. So are hard boiled eggs and chicken with rice soup.
I can't wait to cook something from the Rachel Ray 30 minute cookbook that I got from Dawn, the Crazy Cajun. I also know that the card she made, well girl, you are in the wrong profession, as that was the cutest thing.
I am a full addict of The Price is Right now. I also actually watched most of an Astros game (they won). I have seen every commercial and can now tell you how many different types osteoperosis medications, hotels, diet plan, phone plans, and can sing most jingles even though my brain was swollen.
Friends is funny. But not all that much. Everybody loves Raymond iis much better.
I have tremors in one and sometimes both of my hands from one of my meds. It is the freakiest thing.
Dawson did a lot of kissing. Katie Holmes, while a beautiful girl, really isn't that attractive when you start looking at her. She's kind of homely.
My sisters are the trifecta of strength. After spending so much time with my mom, I know why.
Collin Quinn was really funny on Weekend Update.
I missed you all. (and yikes, there are sooo many comments). It is beyond good to be home.
I can do this. I've had a small setback, but I can do this.
Your assignment for today is to turn the television off. Maybe for a weekend. I have been gone for a few weeks, so if you fell off your bandwagon, jump back on. I am going to start rehab again, so we can pick up where we left off, mmmkay?
I missed you Toto. I'm ok now. I had angels. And I missed my late night laughs.
Posted by debutaunt at June 1, 2006 09:15 PMWELCOME HOME!!! So good to hear you got out of the big house. You really worried a lot of us cyber-souls out here.
And skipping MacDonald's is my great please. Oh, and yes, I fell off the wagon while you were gone, but I will get back on it with you, even though the wagon is moving at high speed and I'm wheezing to catch up (and the jiggling is not pretty).
That was supposed to be "my great pleasure," not my great "please." And I didn't even have encephalitis.
Posted by: Sheryle at June 1, 2006 11:18 PMdeb! you are back! yipee! i can't believe you were so sick. please please please get better. your family totally rocks - you are very lucky to have them. hang in there. smile. breathe. enjoy the day. thinking about you - get well!!!
Posted by: Miss S at June 1, 2006 11:24 PMYou're out of the hospital! I'm doing a happy dance - you were missed! So relieved to hear that you're feeling better. Take it step by step, you can do this.
Posted by: Rebecca at June 1, 2006 11:36 PMOops, almost forgot. If you watch Super Size Me, particularly the outtakes with the food lingering in the jars on Morgan Spurlock's desk, you definitely will NEVER want to eat McDonald's again. It worked for me.
Posted by: Rebecca at June 1, 2006 11:38 PMDeb, I'm so glad you're back home! Stay well, get stronger, enjoy life -- and make that a long one! I've been looking forward to the moment when you felt like writing another blog entry. Happyhappy joyjoy!
Oh my. That doesn't sound fun at ALL...I'm so glad you're back.
Posted by: Karin at June 2, 2006 12:20 AMWelcome back. You know how to do this, because you have been doing it. We are with you.
Well done.
Posted by: Ritterskoop at June 2, 2006 12:40 AMGood to have you back my dear.
Posted by: Fellow Eskimo at June 2, 2006 12:56 AMThanks to you everytime I think of a hospital now I'm going to think of Jimmy Cagney and George Raft!
:o)
Welcome back, sweet Deb, we missed you so!
Love,
alan
It is just GREAT to have you back - and sounding like yourself...
we were with you every step of the way, and you are STILL on target.
hugs.
Posted by: blackbird at June 2, 2006 06:40 AMToto was really afraid you would not find your
way back home. However Dorothy knew if she wore
the red shoes, and prayed really hard, you would.
Dorothy is a very smart girl. She will never take
off her red shoes until you are better and out of the woods.
Love,
Toto
Oh it is good to get an update post. So sorry you are dealing with all of the new ailments but glad you are back.
Posted by: Tutu at June 2, 2006 07:23 AMYay!!! The DebuQueen is back. Boy, did we miss you. So glad to "hear" your voice again, so very very glad you are back. Woo Hoo!!!!
Oh, sweetie... I'm so glad you're home. I'm so glad you're better. This post made tears well up in my eyes. Take care, Sweetie. You are so very blessed. Your support system is phenominal. Hugs.
Posted by: Circus Kelli at June 2, 2006 07:53 AMGlad to have you back among the blogging! You sure did have a lot of comments and there are MORE on the site your sister started.
I was rooting and praying for yo the whole time. I wash moving my patootie and getting out there and moving for you. I can give up TV as long as it does nto mean movies on Pay per View too and I can maybe even give up McD's I only eat there about 4 times a year anyway!
Rest up and keep kicking that nastry cancer's ass.
Posted by: Michelle at June 2, 2006 08:00 AMi went through some pretty rough patches over the last few years. my family saved me. over and over again. and my cyber-friends...they sustained me. i'm glad that you have such a strong support network. that you've surrounded yourself with loving people.
i'm thinking of you, and ever-so-glad that you're home.
Posted by: robiewankenobie at June 2, 2006 08:06 AMI am soooooooooooo glad to see you this morning. I was very worried. There's more but I'm crying because you sound so wonderful today. MWAH!
Posted by: Traci at June 2, 2006 08:19 AMSorry that you've been having such a shitty time. And even though I didn't write it every time I dropped by, you've remained on my mind and in my prayers.
Posted by: Patrick at June 2, 2006 08:20 AMWelcome home!!
Posted by: Busy Mom at June 2, 2006 08:38 AMHi! Sooooo glad you are feeling better and able to post again :) Sounds like what you have been though is hellish. I could give up McDonalds for you very easily, so pick something harder please.I was sixteen the first time I ever tasted one of their cheese burgers and I've never really liked the food nor would eat there if I had a choice. If I watched Supersize me every day I would never eat any junk food ever again! They should show it to school kids.
Posted by: lynne at June 2, 2006 08:54 AMSo glad you're home and feeling better!
Posted by: Sharkey at June 2, 2006 09:40 AMWe refuse to let you die. Thank God you are home.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at June 2, 2006 09:40 AMWelcome back. We missed you!
Posted by: Missy at June 2, 2006 09:48 AMDeb- you rock! I'm so glad you're posting again. There is nothing I would rather read on the internet.
Posted by: sis #2 at June 2, 2006 10:06 AMSO SO happy to see you here again! I know it's been a rough spell, and it won't be better right away, but you're on your way. Way to go! We're proud of you!
Posted by: Sharon at June 2, 2006 11:02 AMI LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it when the prayers get answered! So happy to see you on the site and chatty! We all missed you so much! Sounds like this was way more than a "brain fart" so you rest, rest and get more rest so you get all together better. Don't push too hard--you're doing terrific.....and remember, you should always listen to your Momma. Momma knows best (I know you tell Zoe that!)
Big hugs and kisses your way.....germ free ones!
Denise :)
Posted by: Denise at June 2, 2006 11:42 AMI've been checking daily to see if you felt up to posting. Yay! So good to see you back. Take it easy as we don't want another setback.
You do have a great family. A blessing indeed.
No MickeyDee's for me, I promise!
You think that Colin Quinn was funny, and Katie Holmes is/was homely???
You are hallucinating again.
Posted by: Soccer-Guy at June 2, 2006 12:20 PMSo happy to read this. You give so much; I think you don't even know how much. Taking your advice. Big hugs.
Posted by: Susie at June 2, 2006 12:40 PMYick Chaw!
Grab the tamborine. I got the maracas. Let's dance. What a great day it is indeed.
I agree about the mcD's. Yecch! They don't call them gutbombs for nothin.
Auntie M is a Supermom. I'm so glad she was there and is there when you need her. I hope you get to see Zoe this weekend.
No more hallucinations!
Love,
EV
Girl, if scrapbooking would pay the bills then I would so do it! Glad you liked it though. Also, very very glad that you are home and able to communicate with us again. You were so missed and worried about. Just rest. Rest until you just can't no more. We want you to be 100% here soon.
Posted by: Dawn at June 2, 2006 01:47 PMWow! You never stop amazing me. You are so strong and I am so happy you have so much support. We missed you and I am glad you are back.
Posted by: Carol at June 2, 2006 01:50 PMWelcome back Deb! I am so happy for you that you're blessed with such a wonderful family (and us internets!) that love you. I KNOW you are gonna be OK - I just know it. One day at a time - NO McDonalds and lots of hugs. You can do it !!!
Big hugs
YAY! I was rooting for you Deb_u_awesomeness!
I cannot take the no McDonalds vow. I will tell you that I have not eaten it in months (a miracle in itself, I used to be a junkie!), but still their breakfast beckons and I know one day, I will give in to temptation.
I missed you!
Rachel in AK
Posted by: Rachel in AK at June 2, 2006 02:45 PMSo glad to hear you're still kickin ass Deb - you had managed to scare me pretty bad.
Keep on kickin'
Posted by: cursingmama at June 2, 2006 03:01 PMglad to see your feeling well enough to post and give assignments. Hope you continue to feel better every day.
peace and prayers
It's so incredibly good to see a post from you. :) Welcome home! Welcome back to the world! It's a brand new world out there for you!
Get back to the business at hand--kickin' cancer's butt!
Posted by: Gracie at June 2, 2006 03:33 PMFREEDOM!!!! WELCOME HOME FROM THE BIG HOUSE!! To be quite honest, you had me scared to death!!! You are probably the most blessed person I know. You have the best guardian angels anyone could ever dream to have. We have now made the move to a new house and yes I did fall off the wagon but I'm ready to jump back on with you at my side. Hang in there girl and take it slow. I can't tell you how great it is to have you back with us!!!
Love, Cami
sobbing. soooo glad you are back. Our God is amazing! He heard all our prayers. I know what it's like to *know* you are going to die...so glad you KNOW you're going to live, now.
Posted by: Graciefairysmommy at June 2, 2006 04:03 PMIt is so good to read those words, I can do this, from you again.
Posted by: hamel at June 2, 2006 04:28 PMWelcome home, Deb! Words can't express how glad I am that you are back and getting better. I knew you could do it though. No doubt. :-)
{{{HUGS}}}
Love,
Jess
I'm so glad you're out of the hospital!
*huge hugs*
man oh man did i miss you!! welcome home deb! you did it :)
xomox
Posted by: moxiemomma at June 2, 2006 07:06 PMYou really are amazing, Deb. Strong? Bwahahaha. I think you may have redefined the word.
I love this.
Deb,
So glad to hear that things are going better, after such a frightening ordeal. We've been keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. I've sort of fallen off the wagon this week. I'm still eating well, walking and doing a bunch of stuff outside, but due to a long weekend and a bad head cold, I haven't been working out in the morning. Time to regroup.
It's good to have you back. I've missed you. God Bless you, Deb.
Posted by: Jessica at June 2, 2006 09:45 PMYay - you're home!!!!
Posted by: mrtl at June 2, 2006 10:49 PMoh honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through that! Hugs. You've been through alot -- I hope you get tons of yummy taco salads as a present.
xxx
M
So glad you're back. Yay for moms, they know best. And I agree, I need a harder assignment. I never eat at McDonald's and we hardly ever have the TV on anyway. So what do you have for a challenge?
Did I mention I'm glad you're back?
Posted by: karen at June 2, 2006 11:51 PM"Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you're all here. And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home!"
Love,
Toto
So very glad you are better. And yes, Taco Cabana is a a gift from the gods. :)
Posted by: Kami at June 4, 2006 08:02 AM