My real life is crashing in on my little vacation.
Paperwork. Upcoming decisions. More paperwork. Reality.
I don't feel ready just yet, but my break of nine months is over. I have to start thinking about some of this stuff. If the cancer doesn't kill you, the paperwork will. Just the amout of mail is unbelievable. My sister and mom handle most of it, but it's slowly creeping my way. They have done enough. I really would like my life back. I only wish I could handle my own stuff, but it feels overwhelming and impossible at this point. It would help if I didn't have all these appointments. That and still feeling pretty crappy every day.
[aside]
I'm starting to really resent my medications. But they are important. I feel like they take over my life though. I am down to 2 1/2 steroid pills a day, but some other med now is making me all puffy. No matter how much my feet are up. Who knows what the hell is doing it either.
I'm sitting in my bedroom, hooked up to two iv's, which will run for the next four hours. And all I want to do is chill and rest and catch up on my onlne stuff. And go to the gym later. Now that I'm lucid, I just want to work on getting stronger and doing what I'm supposed to do - rest, workout, eat right. I just want a week or two off. But reality is setting in.
It makes me feel like a hypocrite. For months I've been telling you all to celebrate life and live it, but then again, all I have been doing is the hospital gig. Other people have been taking care of the rest of my life. My current daily life truly is like the movie Groundhog Day. Wake up. Hospital. Home. Bed. Start over. It's nothing, but yet is still exhausting for some reason. The days go by so fast. I hate it that I spend so much time at the hospital.
But I have to say, I'd much rather be working in an office somewhere then going through all of this. I'm reading yet another "inspirational" story book. I like being boring. "Normal." Like I always say, I didn't need the cancer to make me enjoy my life. I'm the first one to wish that none of this happened. I'd rather be deluged by paperwork than have other people have to handle my life.
The one thing that cancer showed me is that no man is an island. I hate having everyone else take care of stuff. But the way the treatments are, you kind of have no choice. Then there was that little thing of three weeks of brain swelling. I feel like all I can think about is today.
I don't know. I feel really kind of like a dumbass. I feel like this should be easier. I see other patients do all kinds of things and I have a hard time just doing simple stuff it seems. I want to drive. I want to live with Zoe. I want to be able to walk and not have to think about it. I'm so disorganized. I feel like I have been just playing dumb. Like all of this would disappear if I closed my eyes.
I feel really frail. I hate being such a skeerdy weakling. I'm so afraid of going back to my old life and somehow not being able to do it. Or getting reallly sick. My version of "sick" and a "normal" person's version are very different now. And if I'm sick, then what do I do? Call mom to come back? It doesn't work like that.
I don't know what the point of this post is, but it was in my head. I just don't feel ready yet, but sometimes you have no choice.
I can do this. I just need to wake up a little bit.
Your assignment for today is to see if there is something that you are in denial about. Or are putting off. Some task or phone call or confrontation you need to have. And then you just need to handle it. Life doesn't disappear, even if you close your eyes. Life doesn't stop. Even for cancer. As well it shouldn't.
I'll shut up now. I fucking hate whinese.
It's not whinese, it's processing. And this is your place to do that. This isn't a stage or a party where you have to entertain others or be the perfect hostess. Life is messy, and confusing, and frustrating, and wonderful, and precious, and all of it all at the same time, sometimes. And that's true even if you don't have to battle disease. You're doing just fine, and you have helped others in the process -- in ways which you may never even know. That's the part where life in it's messiness is also a miracle. Wishing you life, love and health,
~Shari
I don't think you are going back to your old life - you are stepping forward into your NEW life.
Whine away - Shari is right, it's processing and it's healthy.
As part of your healing, you need to figure out where you're at and where you're going. It's a very healthy development. You have to face the realities, and make plans, and have backup plans. How are you supposed to do all that if you don't "hash it out"? You're telling yourself you need to get your life back, and that's a good sign, even if the prospect is a bit daunting at the moment.
Posted by: Philosophical Karen at June 7, 2006 12:44 PMDo it, Deb. We believe.
Posted by: Steve T at June 7, 2006 02:01 PMShari is right babe! Whining isn't it at all... this is a HUGE job you have. Processing it all and figuring it out is tough work. You are doing it every day honey. Somedays are going to be more overwhelming than others...just like life before cancer. The difference is that now you know just how quickly it can change. You are doing a fabulous job Deb. I'm so proud of you for writing it down and getting it out of your head. MWAH!
Posted by: Traci at June 7, 2006 03:31 PMYou shouldn't read insprirational books. You should write them. Honest.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at June 7, 2006 03:42 PMIeatcrayonz said it perfectly. No matter what you truly are an inspiration and I would never ever think of your thoughts as whinese.
One day at a time Deb . . . .
Hey. this is your blog and you can write whatever you want to. If you feel like writing in Whinese then write on.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
In my opinion, with what you are going through and what you have accomplished thus far, your progress is utterly amazing.
You truly do inspire.
EV
PS Last night I finally caught an episode of Boston Legal. William Shatner is this infamous Denny Crane you have wrote about? OMG!
Posted by: Maui Cos. at June 7, 2006 05:29 PMHi Deb
I hope you can give your self a break and take it easy. You are to hard on your self. You are recoving from a few tough problems, cancer, chemo, bmt and menigitis. I'm sure there are a few more that can be throw in but, you being the strong person that you are, you feel gulty complaining. I would be in bed for months.
You are an inspiration.
This is the definition of vacation.
# A period of time devoted to pleasure, rest, or relaxation, especially one with pay granted to an employee.
I don't think you have been on vacation. I did not
see fighting cancer listed under vacation.
You have the strength and courage of a village
of people.
Toto
YO YO YO!
Yeah, paper work sucks.
Sounds like you are coming around the bend looking at the finish line. Of this race anyway. You'll get strong again--just take it one step at a time.
BTW, Beth Owens (my best friend back in the day) is my MySpace friend, and she gives her regards. She has been reading your blog. She is actually applying for a job at MD Anderson now.
Anywho, don't forget to sign the petition at http://www.savetheinternet.com. I hate to get political here, but some weiners think they should be able to buy the internet.
I love you, dude. Big hugs for you, Mom and the whole gang in Houston.
--Michelle
Posted by: Lil' Michelle at June 7, 2006 10:09 PMi have to say i like me some whinese from you. you're doing this and i'm liking seeing new posts from you again.
per our assignment, here's what i took in hand today--the leaky chimney. after a year of watching it leak and being terrified of the bill i called a mason and he'll be coming out tomorrow if it's not raining. i'm still terrified of the bill, but i did it. this grown up life stuff is overwhelming most of the time. oh, and yesterday i finally sorted out an issue we were having with our homeowners insurance policy.
i believe in you, deb. keep up the most excellent work.
xomox
Posted by: moxiemomma at June 8, 2006 12:12 AMYou know what I think its great that you are fed up with all this. Better than accepting it anyway. Channel all your frustration into working at getting better. Remember there are loads of us out here who are frustrated for you and who are praying every day for you.
Posted by: Alison C at June 8, 2006 04:45 AMNothing wrong with feeling skeered and tired. It's part of the process - you can do this. You truly are an inspiration to so many.
Totally off topic - Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies - I read an online review that called it the greatest Buddhist film ever - because it depicts the endless wheel of suffering on which we live until we find enlightenment. (Caveat: I'm not a Buddhist, and I don't think that your daily situation is caused by lack of enlightenment!) Watching the movie again after reading the review was really cool.
Posted by: Rebecca at June 8, 2006 06:59 AMSweetie, you've been through SO MUCH -- I think it's normal to feel as you do. Sometimes, the hardest part about something is just 'getting started'. I go through that sometimes -- whether it's being afraid of failing or just plain childish "I don't wanna!", once I realize something is holding me back, I try to just screw up my courage, squeeze my eyes shut and jump on in. Sometimes it even works. :)
Hugs!
Posted by: CircusKelli at June 8, 2006 08:27 AMWhat Shari and everybody else said! I'll be in Houston this weekend, but I guess you may not quite be up to Chuy's or Molina's yet, huh? But that's ok-I will be back!
Get some rest...don't worry about getting everything done yourself and all that. Just rest up and take care of yourself, so you can get your strength back!
Posted by: Lauri at June 8, 2006 04:06 PMI doubt I can say anything that hasn't already been said. However, I'm going to try. You are indeed, processing. Why all this worrying? Well, your brain is capable of handling it now. And so are you. Take heart. Take it one step at a time. You are accomplishing much more than you give yourself credit for and that trend will continue. You have, you can, you will !!!!
Posted by: Mrs SEB at June 8, 2006 04:12 PM