debutaunt.com

Graduation Day

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"An adult."
- Sis #1's son - age six

Yesterday Sis #1 came over with her two adorable kids. It was great for Zoe because she had some playmates and they went swimming and ate spaghetti and popsicles with us. It was strange for me to be around so many kids as it's been a while. But they are so funny and cute. We had a great time.

Zoe loves to swim. I can't wait to get my central line out so I can go in the pool with her. The other night we talked. She's a pretty anxious child. It was like she had all these things in her head and she was waiting until she saw me to spill them all out. From bats (do they really suck blood - no they eat fruit) to chicken pox (you won't get them, you had shots) to where we are going to be living (possibly with my parents, but we don't know just yet).

I told her that she didn't need to worry about things like that because we have a big family to take care of us and that God will let it all work out. She said she worries a lot. I told her that her job was to be a kid and have fun and to learn in school. I sang her the Zoe songs and she relaxed. She wanted me to tell her a story about me. This apparently is something she's been doing to my sisters. Wanting to know about me.

It rips my heart out. It's been such a hard nine months. It's difficult to tell if she's dealing with all of this okay because she also acts like a kid and runs around doing typical kid stuff and has fun. But then she hits you with some zingers. Like the time we were in line for an ice cream cone and then out of the blue she asks me if I'm going to die from my "dracula blood."

I miss her. I really do. There are so many things that are different about her and I feel like I missed it. But somehow we are so much closer. She's very sweet with me. Very affectionate. It feels like we have this shared secret. I am excited at the prospect of living with her again.

Yesterday was a big day. I went in to the clinic like normal, and met with my doctor. He said I was doing great and could "graduate" from that clinic. What that means is that I won't have as many appointments, and will only have to meet with my doctor once a week. I will still have some daily infusions, but they will be at home and will be these baby bottle things. So now I only go to the hospital maybe once or twice a week.

This is awesome news.

It will be nice to have a more set schedule. No more six hour days 3-7 days a week in the clinic. I will still have some followup appointments - like the full cardio workup on Monday, but for the most part, I will be at home.

It's also rather daunting. There is something comforting about knowing your "numbers." The lab work. Feeling bad? Maybe it's because your platelets are low and you need a transfusion (which I never did). They watch your kidney and liver functions - which is nice because you take all these meds and it scares me what they could be doing to my internal organs. When you are in the clinic, you have a daily nurse (and they all rock and are super sweet), you also have your case nurse and your pharmacist. It's your team. And it's like this huge security blanket of sorts. It's scary to feel unwell, and it always felt safe to be there. The nurses know your name. They remember you.

When I was in the hospital with the encephelitis, I would cry, "I want to go back to the ATC (the clinic), I want to go back to the ATC. They know how to take care of me. I want to go back to the ATC."

But I need to accept that my numbers are fairly stable and they felt that I was ok to move on. Next steps. Baby steps. I can do this. I am doing this.

[aside]
Although I can't get my magnesium levels up, it's very typical for bone marrow transplant patients, so I can't get my line removed just yet. I just started on mag pills, so we will see if that helps. I also am doing research on foods that contain magnesium.

The nurses sang to me "Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey, congradulations!" and I got a medal and a ribbon that they had signed. I wanted to cry, but I was too excited.

This is the break I was needing. I'll be home, so I can go to my gym here to workout. Lot of other stuff to handle, but I really need to regain my strength, flexibility and muscle tone. I need to rest. I need to listen to my body and take care of it. After all, we've been doing some horrible things to it for the past nine months. They practically kill you and bring you back. Then there was the whole brain swelling thing.

Zoe is going to New York to visit her dad for about six weeks. I feel like I just got her back and here she is gone again. But it's probably for the best. This time last year was when I started my Body for Life fitness challenge. She was at her dads. Having a great time, swimming and going to day camp, and I was concentrating on getting fit. Weightlifting, cardio, and eating healthy.

I know I can't quite do the intensity that I was at, but I can do a "new Deb" version of it. I am committed to getting better and stronger. It's not an option.

I can do this. It's a new chapter.

I'm giving you two assignments for today. First, commit to having a good day. Even if things start going wrong, just breathe and blow it off. Don't let the traffic get you down. Or crying babies. Or craptastic bosses. Just blow it off as best you can and think of something great in your life. Life could always be worse. It can always get worse. So have a "grateful" day.

Second, be thinking about something that you are scared to do. Then figure out how you are going to do it anyway. Be bold. Stop being afraid and go for it. I'm scared of what is ahead of me, but it's also exciting. I feel like I'm leaping off a cliff, but sometimes you just have to jump anyway. Otherwise, you just live in fear - in the "what ifs." What if this happens? This could happen? You have to change your mindset and just go for it sometimes.

It's a brand new day.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my friend Cami. I knew her when I was in like seventh grade. I don't know why, but I never forgot her birthday, 25 years later. She just recently came back in my life, and I think that is so cool. So I hope you have an awesome birthday, Cami.

P.S.S. Now that I will be home more often, I will revive the Debu_team President's Challenge soon. I hope you all are up for it. So today, get to moving!

Posted by debutaunt at June 14, 2006 06:02 AM