Too much paperwork. So much to do.
We move on the 31st. Zoe needs to get a physical and then she has a test/interview type thing at the Catholic school I want her to attend. I sure hope she gets in.
I'm doing some housekeeping on my email and found this:
From: debu
To: Zoe's Kindergarten Teacher
Subject: Hi My Zoe!
Date: Oct 24, 2005 10:01 AM
Hi Zoe,
It's Mommy. I'm at this hospital, but it's so cool that I can send
you secret messages. You can email me back if you want and practice using all your
new reading words.
I have the monkey that you gave me. He sits right next to me in my room. Do you
think that you could tell Mrs. R the monkey's real name? If he does not
have one, I hope you can name him for me.
I hope you have a super fun week at school and can email me back really soon.
I love you very very much.
Love,
Mommy
The monkey she gave me never really got a name. I got another one from some friends and gave it to her. She sleeps with it. We call them 'Mommy Monkey' and 'Zoe Monkey.' I remember when she gave me the stuffed animal. Sis #2 had just taken them all to the zoo. On the way back, they stopped by. I think I was having my first or second round of chemo.
Zoe hadn't seen me in weeks. I had to wear a mask and was all hooked up to a bunch of IVs. One with the radiation symbol on it. She was scared of me and didn't want to sit on my lap at first. But then she did. And all was well.
I have come so far. It feels like ages ago, but I know it hasn't been.
I can do this. Today is a great day.
Your assignment today is to think about yourself and write down what you like. I think I have nice eyes, strong legs and shoulders, and I like that I'm forgiving and loyal, well and dorky too. I like that. Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves that we forget our strong points. So give yourself some credit today.
It is so amazing to remember all that you've gone through in less than a year. And how much better you are is the best part! Then Zoe will be back with you soon.. Will be keeping you both in my prayers.
Posted by: Jeanette at July 22, 2006 09:01 AMYes, we are too hard on ourselves! Silly us.
Um, I have good hair. There. I said it.
Posted by: Kami at July 22, 2006 11:45 PMMan, that seems like ages ago. It's so strange to look back the start of an adventure (The Adventures of Chemo-Woman and her Loyal Companion Monkey) and know how it will end. Yes, I know it's not a the end end, but it's much better to be at this end than the other.
I remember being so fearful that I would lose Deb and how I could never really show it because I didn't want Zoe to know how serious things were. Sometimes I shared things - "I'm crying because I'm sad about your mom, but that's okay. It's okay to be sad sometimes."
Today I have a houseful of 9 year olds celebrating my sons birthday. All of that anxiety of the unknown seem like a lifetime ago. Without Zoe here, it's almost seems like it never happened until someone tells me someone they know has 5 days to live (uterine cancer). Someone else is undergoing surgery to remove tumors and her 6 year old girl is staying with a family member (I happened to see said person with her daughter walking in the neighborhood yesterday - yeah!) Every cancer story isn't just a story anymore. Now I can't help but think of him/her and their families and how awful the unknown can be. And sometimes I almost cry when I hear these stranger's stories, that never happened before Deb was diagnosed.
Although, all in all, everything wasn't all bad. There was a lot of good too - so many people gave money, blood, prayers (lots of prayers), their homes, their company, their kindness, sympathy, an ear. To see the better side of humanity is a gift that is amazing, though beautiful, I have to say you never want to be in need of receiving it.
I think that I'm sad I'm missing Deb's birthday party. Of course having a house full of boys (10 of them) is pretty fun too, not as fun as Deb's 25th birthday where we drank so much Tequila that we had to be driven home by the bartender. Now that was a birthday, nothing like waking up drunk. I haven't drunk Tequila since. Yikes that was 14 years ago!
Happy 39th you old hag! I hope you have 39 x 2 more! Yes I that would make you 117 years old, but it's okay to want more than less.
p.s.-I'll try to call you Jeanette, tomorrow after the boys leave.