debutaunt.com

What a Beautiful Way to Break My Heart

Anyone know that song?

Ok. Why is it that I am the only person on the face of the planet who has zero appetite, isn't eating, and still does not lose weight? Not even one pound. I'm even working out every day. The hell? Who hates me, dagnabit?

I also have a low grade fever. I've had chills, but never a fever at home. I've been checking it, but today at the clinic it was 99.7. Me no likey. They didn't seem concerned. I am going to will it away.

That was my last appointment with MD Anderson. I know I may have to go back for tests and such because I'm in a few studies, but it will be a while. I still have some paperwork to finish and a prescription to pick up before I move, but I'm pretty much done. I said goodbye to my sweet ATC nurses. I wish I could say goodbye to all my favorite nurses, but I had so many on so many different floors. It was weird walking around knowing that it is soon to be behind me. I sure as hell hope that I never ever ever have to go back for treatment. I don't ever want to have cancer again. But, if I ever do, I'm going to fight it again like the hell bitch I am.

I have this weird stomach thing going on. It's been two weeks now. Basically I feel like a nauseated pregnant woman. I have zero appetite. All food smells bad to me. And it tastes worse. When I eat, I feel like I am going to hork. It's 6pm and I've eaten one thing of yogurt, half a banana, and half a bagel. I try to make myself eat, but it is all that I can do to keep from throwing up. I walked around with a barf tray all day.

They've given me some really expensive anti-nausea meds (Zofran is my friend at $3,700 a month), and another one today - ativan. They told me that as long as I wasn't throwing up or having the runs, I was ok, and there's not much else they can do. My blood sugar has been fine. And I have to make sure I don't get dehydrated. It is kind of freaking me out too. I mean, usually if I'm stressed, I eat. But even my favorite foods make me cringe.

On the good side, my new hospital in San Antonio finally accepted me. It's rather scary, but hopefully I won't have to go all that often. My first appointment is the 1st of August. Apparently my new doc is really good. I sure hope so.

I found out today that there was some financial aid that I was eligible for, but no one told us about it. That really bothers me because they are sorting out my medical bills and the out-of-pocket part is starting to grow. I have to wait a while to see what my current financial aid will cover, and hope they can write off the difference. I worry, but I can't worry about it. It's just kind of the insult to injury part of this stupid cancer equation.

Zoe comes home Saturday. I'm beyond excited to see her. But a little bummed that I feel so crappy. I got the ok to take a Tylenol PM tonight so I can get some sleep. I sure hope it works. I'm averaging about 4-5 hours a night and it's starting to really suck. Baby steps. I talked to her on the phone and I can hear it. She gets that way after a while of not seeing me and I can tell she really misses me too. She says more on the phone than the usual "Hi Mommy. Bye Mommy. Love you Mommy." I hear a sadness in her voice. Like she is tired. Soon. Soon.

She's going to be surprised that I have so much hair.

[aside]Jeez, my eyebrows look weird. And I'm staring to have some serious eye baggage. Sleep. Must sleep.

It's so soft. Like a baby chick. And is the same color as before and straight. It's only about 1/4 inch long, but with my big funky earrings, some makeup, and a cute outfit, I can kindasorta pull it off. It's too thin, so I'm still a bit self conscious, but I'm so happy to have it. Mom said that now that it is growing back, people won't know I'm sick. That's cool in a way, but now they will just think I'm a big weirdo for having such a bad haircut.

I lost another friend on my leukemia forum. He was only 18. It started off as a staph infection of his ankle, and progressed to open heart surgery and all his vital organs shutting down. In a matter of weeks. His mother was with him the entire time. She posted updates every day and it sounded hopeful. Then it was just one thing after another. That just kills me.

I hear about stuff like that all the time and it really scares the shit out of me. It's why I'm not really able to work anymore, be around crowds, and why I have to be super careful. I'm still sad about moving to San Antonio because my sisters are here. Our kids are super close, and I am going to miss them terribly. I know my parents will be there, and Zoe too, but all my friends are here. I'm already so lonely sometimes, I think that it will be unbearable in San Antonio. Especially since I can't really go out much when I get home. But I'm the debutaunt, so it will be ok. More baby steps.

I also had a few things that I thought were going to be in my future, but this past week some of them changed. I'm pretty damn sad. And don't really want to talk about it. It just is what it is, but I know I followed my heart and it was sweet, lovely and true.

Tonight is Project Runway. I'm looking forward to it.

I can do this. I have cable tv.

Your assignment for today is another oldie but a goodie. I bet you've been busy. Me too. But like Sis #1, you really do need to make some time to get active even when you are busy. To do something healthy for yourself. And I'm going to tell you that if you don't move your butt, you aren't allowed to eat like crap. No. Wait. You shouldn't eat like crap anyway. But especially if you've been sedentary.

I've been trying to stay motivated. I've been going to the gym all this week. But It gets so hard when you feel lousy and/or end up in the ER and hospital for days. So I want all of you to MOVE IT and then report back to me. If all of you can do it, so can I.

Funny. Years ago, we all used to say goodbye by saying "Peace in the Middle East." I could only wish that were true. Peace. To us all, ok?

You aren't deserving of him. And you never will be. So you *&*^%*^*#$, stop reading my blog already. You really are mean.

Posted by debutaunt at July 26, 2006 07:29 PM