August 02, 2006
Where We Be
We be in San Antonio.
It was a hard move. Mom had to do so much because I was so nauseated and sick. BIL #1 came to the rescue and moved a few of the heavier things. I have lots to finish unpacking, but I still feel really punk and can't eat much. And I have this sadness that I can't seem to shake. My only joy lately is Zoe. My heart.
I met with my new transplant doc, Dr. B, yesterday. He was really pretty cool, but I'm so used to MD Anderson, that it felt kind of sad. Everyone was friendly enough, but I was so lonely - not knowing any of the faces. My boy would always text message me while I was waiting for my appointments, but I swear my phone hasn't rang in days. I miss him. He's gone too.
Dr. B is going to do an endoscope of my GI if these symptoms persist to rule out graft vs. host again. I am praying that it's not because I sure don't want to go back on the steroids.
I hate this sadness. It's so not me. And anytime I have had it, it doesn't last long. They told me I don't need meds as it's natural to have some of this in times of stress and post transplant. So many stressors in such a short period of time. I used to have a sweet friend constantly tell me... look at how much you have done so far and how well you are doing now. I have to remember that. I try to remember that. Baby steps. Stay on Target.
I was driving home from the hospital yesterday and was just tearing up. There is so much that I miss. Too much whinese, and just when I was really about to sob big time, I pulled into my parent's street and there was my Zoe in the driveway. Tiny broom and duspan in hand, wearing her Houston Texans cheerleader outfit. I honked and she had the biggest smile on her face. She decided on her own that the driveway needed sweeping, so she made Momo G take her outside.
She came running up to my car and gave me the biggest (and stinkiest) hug. God sent this child to me. He really did. There is no sadness around her. She is like sunshine. Like air to me. I'm so glad to be alive for her. Our adventures are just beginning.
I came in, had some soup, and then we went back out to the community center where I sat by the pool while Miss Fish did all her tricks. That child is so happy in the water. I think I should be able to take her every day. I will be much more happy when I can get my line out so I can join her. I'm a swimming fool too. They do have a great gym and lots of exercise classes. I'm thrilled that it's so close to home and will attempt to get my folks out there too. Zoe loves it.
My Zoe also has mastered my iPod. I may never see it again.
Working on Summer Homework in exchange for iPod time:
Zoe "sleeping" aka selective hearing:
My sweet sweet girl
Reunited. And all is well with my world
"no matter what you decide, it won't make me love you any less"
Artist: Beautiful South
Song: This Will Be Our Year
Lyrics :
The warmth of your love's
Like the warmth from the sun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come...
Don't let go of my hand
Now the darkness has gone
This will be our year
Took a long time to come...
And I won't forget
The way you helped me up when I was down
And I won't forget
The way you said "darling, I love you"
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come...
The warmth of your smile
Smile for me, little one
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come...
You don't have to worry
All your worried days are gone
This will be our year
Took a long time to come...
And I won't forget
The way you helped me up when I was down
And I won't forget
The way you said "darling, I love you"
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there
We've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come...
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come...
Deb - so happy to read your post - I've been stalking your site all day. I can only imagine how stressful/sad this all is for you. I am praying that each and every day brings you more sunshine. Also praying NO more steroids.
Big hugs
I am so glad that Zoe was out there sweeping away when you pulled into the driveway. It IS common after any stressful event to feel down and add the move to a different place on top of that and I would say you are right on target. I hope with every day and every post that you grow stronger and happier again. You will I know you will.
Posted by: Michelle at August 2, 2006 06:38 PMShe is so beautiful that it is just silly. Her eyelashes! OMG! I can't wait to have my little sidekick.
Posted by: Dawn at August 2, 2006 07:10 PMJust popping by to say hi. You've got a lot of stress right now. (Maybe that's aggravating your stomach too, though that's for doctors to determine. Glad they are keeping an eye on it.)
Zoey is beautiful as ever, and about the iPod, it's always good to have something that motivates kids to do their homework, don't you think? ;-)
Posted by: Karen at August 2, 2006 07:36 PMPardon me for my poor spelling. I have another blogfriend called "Zoey" (with a Y) and I mistyped your Zoe's name.
Posted by: Karen at August 2, 2006 07:37 PMGoodness, this made me so sad...and then so unbelievably happy.
Think happy thoughts. Zoe is home.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at August 2, 2006 08:15 PMA home is made of love, and you have so much love
in your home. I understand the sadness, but I also
know you will thrive in S.A. Your beautiful daughter
will be your driving force.
(along with us)
Toto
Posted by: Toto at August 2, 2006 09:48 PM"Our adventures are just beginning."
These are beautiful words. Remember them every day. They will make "baby steps" and "I can do this" incredibly worthwhile. Hugs to you and Zoe. It's wonderful to see you together again.
Posted by: SilverC at August 3, 2006 01:14 AMTo have you sharing your life with her again is one of the most wonderful things I know!
alan
Posted by: alan at August 3, 2006 02:30 AMA new start - with Zoe by your side - you can do this, Deb! Your own personal adventure, surrounded by family and new friends to be made.
You can do this.
LOL - when I read the "stay on Target" I immediately envisioned you standing on top of the Target logo. Cracked me up!
GO, Deb, GO!!!!!!
Posted by: sally at August 3, 2006 07:39 AMI'm sorry you have felt so down, but there's nothing wrong with having a big ole cry. It releases a lot of shit stored up in you emotional system. And even though I know ther reference is intended for another I'm loving the Beautiful South...
Have you heard "Good as Gold"? Here are the lyrics. The tune is infectiously peppy and the lyrics are about perserveance.
(Heaton/Rotheray)
Don't know what I'm doing here
I'll carry on regardless
Got enough money for one more beer
I'll carry on regardless
Good as gold, but stupid as mud
He'll carry on regardless
They'll bleed his heart 'til there's no more blood
But carry on regardless
Carry on with laugh
Carry on with cry
Carry on with brown under moonlit sky
I want my love, my joy, my laugh, my smile, my needs
Not in the star signs
Or the palm that she reads
I want my sun-drenched, wind-swept Ingrid Bergman kiss
Not in the next life
I want it in this
I want it in this
Got one note to last all week
I'll carry on regardless
The hill to happiness is far too steep
I'll carry on regardless
Dried his mouth in the Memphis sun
He carried on regardless
Tried to smile and he bit his tongue
But carry on regardless
Carry on with work
Carry on with love
Carry on with cheering
Anything above
I want my love, my joy, my laugh, my smile, my needs
Not in the star signs
Or the palm that she reads
I want my sun-drenched, wind-swept Ingrid Bergman kiss
Not in the next life
I'll have it in this
I'll have it in this
I don't want silver, I just want gold
Carry on regardless
Bronze is for the sick and the old
But carry on regardless
I want my love, my joy, my laugh, my smile, my needs
Not in the star signs
Or the palm that she reads
I want my sun-drenched, wind-swept Ingrid Bergman kiss
Not in the next life
I'll have it in this
I'll have it in this
You're still in my prayers.
Patrick
Posted by: Patrick at August 3, 2006 09:11 AMShe is your healing.
I think it seems perfectly natural that the next phase of your recovery is sadness (of course I am TOTALLY talking out my ass) -
and I don't see anything wrong with it.
I think you should let yourself feel sad -
it will pass...and if it doesn't, I have faith in you to go get help.
I think of you every day, and I am so proud of your progress.
Posted by: blackbird at August 3, 2006 04:41 PMAloha,
How cute- she sweeped the driveway for the arrival of her momma. Hey her teeth are growing in quickly.
The sadness may also be a side effect of the tremendous stressors in your life along with the sleep deprevation you have been experiencing.
Hang in there. You will continue to get better and you will continue to get support from all of us who love you. Great things are in your future.
EV
Posted by: Maui Cousin at August 3, 2006 04:47 PMWhee! Great photos, Deb!
Posted by: Beeeeeeen at August 3, 2006 05:24 PMIn my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
Sadness-I would think is part of everything you
have been through. Allow yourself to be sad, cry,
but remember we all love you.
Target? Did someone say Target??? I am there!
And I don't want you to be sad...though it is a big change and completely understandable! But SERIOUSLY...send me an email (LoriLaurieLauri at yahoo.com) and I'll send you my phone number...then I'll make your phone ring, and if you're feeling up to it, we can take the kids for ice cream or something before school starts. (Which is on the 14th for us.) Or, we can go to Target! :)
Posted by: Lauri Smith at August 3, 2006 08:45 PM