debutaunt.com

Busy is as Busy Does

Prayers answered. Woo Hoo!!!!

Zoe got into the Catholic school I wanted. I'm totally thrilled. Especially since Zoe was pretty shy about going to the interview yesterday. But when she and the director started talking, Zoe became her Zoe self again. I'm really glad the she was nice. Zoe would never want to go there if her first impression was a bad one. It's a great school. We are so lucky to get in. We are so blessed.

I think I must have made a terrible impression. I was so sick to my stomach, as I'm still not eating much at all. Hopefully Dr. B will be able to figure it out next week. But I could barely hang I felt so bad. My stomach cocktail started kicking in later, and thank goodness, because we were scheduled for a small road trip.

Yesterday was a fun one. We went to New Braunsfels and met up with Sis #1 and a bunch of our old-school Houston friends. It was so good to see them and hang out. They had these little A-line cabins and a pool that was right on the Comal river. It was hot, but was a really nice day. I sat outside for a long time talking with my friend Denise and watching everyone swim. It was the nicest day I've had in a long time. I'd love to go back sometime. I really am going to miss my Houston crowd. Especially my sisters and their kiddos. Beyond cute.

I've been thinking about Zoe's dad lately. He flew down with her last week to bring her home. We drove him to his hotel and he was going to fly out the next day. I could tell he was really sad to say goodbye to Zoe. I know exactly how he feels as I did it when she flew to NY in June. He hugged her for a long time and smothered her with kisses. She kept saying "Bye bye, Daddy. Bye bye, Daddy. I love you." He looked like he was about to cry. We had things to do, and I think he thought we'd hang out more, but it didn't work out that way.

And it was heartbreaking. I even started tearing up. I always wonder what kind of person Zoe would be had we stayed together. But I honestly think she'd be terribly different - and not for the better. We had a fun and loving marriage for about four years - until I got pregnant. Then it morphed into some bad Lifetime Movie, "Anatomy of a Horrific Marriage - She Walks Alone." Towards the end of our marriage, for the last two or three years at least, we either didn't speak to each other or we fought horribly. We rarely did anything together. I felt like a single mom even then. I know in my heart that it just would have been an awful place for Zoe to be.

He's not a bad person, he's just not the person for me. I still believe in marriage. Because I know people that have really good, loving, solid marriages. My parents. My siblings. My friends. I haven't given up and I'm not bitter. But some marriages really should just be over. Mine was one of them.

I forgave him for the awful things he did to us, and we are friendly now, but I know I deserve much better than that. Zoe deserves much better than that. I'd rather be alone forever than be in a loveless relationship. Life is too short to be that unhappy. To be treated with such disrespect. Or emotionally abused. Cheated on or taken for granted. I know marriage isn't all teddy bears and rainbows, but when it starts to feel like drudgery and work, and you are unhappy more than not, it's time to go. I'd rather be single and dateless than be married to an emotional vampire.

So after the pain of the separation, and about a year of the nastiest fighting, we both decided that we needed to be cordial for Zoe's sake. And for my own sanity, I've stayed that way. It's the reason I started my blog years ago, during the worst of the fighting. I knew that it wasn't right for me to be sad or angry around Zoe. That it zapped my energy. That it took away my time with her. And it's cheaper and more theraputic than therapy.

I've never badmouthed him to Zoe. Because I know that he will always be her father. I want him to be happy. And our child adores him and he loves her to no end. I want them to have a great relationship. We get along like old friends now. I think he was the saddest and most concerned when I got sick.

I hate it when I see one parent poison the children against the other. It really is an evil thing to do. It's not fair to take your hatred and pain out on your children. It's sick and pathetic. Let them make up their own mind about their relationship with their parents. Deal with your own issues in a different way, but don't burden your children with your marital woes. After all, that child is half the other parent. You can't change that. When you belittle or badmouth the other parent, you are basically saying the same thing about your own child. Or giving them some serious issues to deal with later on - like... will I turn out like my father? Or be a witch like my mom?

I know Zoe's dad thinks about me. About what it would be like had he not betrayed our marriage. He's often said I was the best thing that happened to him. And I know that Zoe is the best thing that happened to me. So all was not lost. But even through everything I've gone through, and being alone, I'm still much happier than I was during my marriage.

And I'm especially blessed that I don't have to deal with the bad ex issues many of my friends have. Nor am I stuck in the path of low self esteem and unhappiness that my marriage had me headed on. (Funny when you start dating someone who really treats you well, and loves and respects you, that you see how awful it was being with someone who didn't - Thanks Dr. Egypt.)

It's really freeing sometimes. And it's that feeling that makes it ok when I get sad about being single. Or when I start to think all men are horse's asses. I think of the freedom I have with my life. The infinite possibilities. One of Zoe's favorite video's - "Free to Be, You and Me."

I like to think of it as "Free to Be, Me and Z.:

I can do this. Infinity and then some.

Your assignment today is to do something fun. Something unexpected. It's nearing the end of summer - school starts here August 14th already. Take your kids and go play. For those of you that don't have kids, if you like them, borrow some from family or friends and take the littles somewhere fun. The park, swimming, the beach, the country. Go somewhere and just enjoy playing.

And if you are kid-phobic, don't know any, or just don't like 'em, go play yourself. Go waterskiing. Or play beach volleyball. Bowling. Just have some fun.

I can't wait to get my central line out. I love the water. I love to swim. But it pales in comparison to the joy I get watching my child in the water. Watching her laugh. Watching her headstands. Somersaults. Jumping in and out of the water. Watching her freedom.

I love you, Zoe. Love you.

Thanks Deanna Banana. (and Martina McBride)

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Posted by debutaunt at August 4, 2006 11:27 AM