I took Zoe to school today. I have a massage appointment at 11am that I'm looking forward to. I'm going to make this short because I'm too sad.
I decided to go to sleep when I got back for a little bit, and was awoken by my phone ringing. It was my friend Ashley's mom. They buried her Saturday. She was only 23.
The first time I saw Ashley, she was on her way to the Leukemia Clinic at MD Anderson, in a wheelchair being pushed by her mom. She was so pretty. She had a pink ribbon wrapped around her hair, which was white-blonde and spikey - about an inch long. She had her nails done, her makeup on and had the cutest little pink track suit.
I didn't talk to her that day, but saw her several times after. One day, Sis #1 and I were waiting to get called into the lab for bloodwork. We sat near Ashley and her mom and we started talking. She and I were practically twins. She was diagnosed the day before I was, with ALL as well. I think her leukemia was more advanced than mine, though, as her white counts were over 300,000 when she was diagnosed, and mine were only (yeah "only") 117,000.
We were about a week apart on our chemo treatments and had the same doctor. She was going to have a stem cell transplant and her sister was her donor. We talked for an hour or more. She was such a cute girl, but was really having a hard time coping with her treatment.
I'd see her at least once a week and she and her mom and I would compare notes on where we were. I remember talking to her before her transplant. She was scared, but was so hopeful. I didn't see her for a few weeks, but made a point to find her the day I checked in for my transplant. I went to her room. What I saw was so shocking. Her hair had fallen out again. She was so gaunt and weak. She was bedridden as every time she stood up, her blood pressure would drop and she'd faint. Her mom looked tired, but still was so cheerful. She told me if I needed anything, that she'd be happy to get it for me.
Ashley told me about some of what she had gone through. I was frightened, but glad to kind of have a realistic idea of what to expect. You read about transplants, but when you actually go through it or talk to someone, you realize how awful it is.
I didn't see her for a while, but she used to call me when I was going through my transplant and in the hospital for a month. I saw her on and off in the ATC (post transplant center). I remember talking to her after she had relapsed and she was so upset that everyone we went through with was doing so well, so why had she relapsed so quickly? She was frustrated and mad. They also had her on some major psych drugs as she was mentally just so messed up about it.
I remember that day because her mom came out later. I was in the waiting room and she was sobbing. A nurse was with her and they walked down the hall. When she came back, she saw me and gave me the biggest hug. She could not stop crying. I knew that day that this disease was so much worse on others than it is really on you. I have her an extra hug and she went back to Ashley.
They were about to start her on some experimental chemo. They debated on whether on not they would stay at MDA or go to the Mayo Clinic, but Ashley wanted to stay. I didn't see her for a long time after that. Then one day, after my bout with encephilitis, I ran into her mom. She was so excited to see me and told me Ashley was right around the corner. I walked down and was so sad at what I saw. She looked like a zombie, a skeleton. She was so frail and her skin tone was like gray. She nibbled a little on a hamburger, but it was like looking at the walking dead. I knew she wasn't doing too well. I had this feeling that she was not long for this world.
Today that call just reminded me of how much I hate this disease. It's devastating.
Today I choose to remember sweet Ashley in her pinky pinkness. She was a beautiful girl, with a beautiful spirit.
RIP Sweetness.
Posted by debutaunt at August 17, 2006 09:52 AMOh, that breaks my heart. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else I could say.
Cancer sucks. I do know that. Having had my best friend just diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at the age of 29, it sucks. In two months time, she has had a masectomy, 22 lymph nodes removed, 4 rounds of potent cancer, and the fear put in her that she may not be around for her two small boys. It just breaks my heart.
Hugs.
Posted by: Alison at August 17, 2006 10:58 AMHow horribly sad. My prayers will go out to Ashley's family as well today. It is always important to remember the GOOD and HAPPY things. Life is just too short.We should focus on the important things and enjoy the life and gifts that we have.
Cami
Oh, sweetie - I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say. Argh. I am thinking about you, and Ashley too.
Keep up the work even though it's hard. You can do this, Deb.
Posted by: sally at August 17, 2006 12:27 PMI've said before, but I'm going to say it again - cancer is not cancer to me anymore. I can't hear about someone suffering without thinking of the cancer sufferer and their family and friends.
It's sad, sad, sad.
My friend died too. Last week sometime. I had been so encouraged to see her post-op walking with her 7 year old daughter, Emma, in the neighbor - just three weeks ago.
I'm still encouraged by her. She was supposed to die years ago, but she did all she could even the most painful treatment just so that she could have that much more time with her child. That's love!
It's times like these that you realize - life is temporal. You can't let it just pass by, you have to remember to love and live.
Posted by: sis #2 at August 17, 2006 01:54 PMhow awful! there's just nothing i can say.
Posted by: robiewankenobie at August 17, 2006 05:02 PMOh Deb I am so very sorry about your friend Ashley. I am praying that she is resting on Angels wings right now.
(((HUG)))
Debu-
That was really nice.
The only thing I would emphasize is that Ashley was such a character. She had attitude and opinion to spare.
And her mom is such a helpful person. She really helped us a ton during the worst time of your transplant on food advice and the benefits of the spit sucking machine.
It is so sad. I was worried for her after the relapse post transplant, because she relapsed so quickly. Non-good.
Somebody needs to find a cure. Not a treatment. Something that makes this something that doesn't happen any more.
Thanks for sharing Ashley with the rest of the world. God bless her and her family
Big hugs,
S
Thank you for telling us about Ashley.
Go on and let yourself be sad, and after a while you won't feel sad anymore.
Posted by: Ritterskoop at August 17, 2006 06:18 PMDeb, I'm so sorry. Know that we're praying for them and you and everyone.
Posted by: Kim at August 17, 2006 06:24 PMAshley is a hero-she fought hard, and she had
a bad hand of cards. Cancer sucks, and we should
all fight for a cure. When you vote, look at
their record-if they support and vote for cancer
related bills.
We all know somebody who has cancer, that somebody could be you (like Deb WAS). We should
all say NO and push, push, push for a cure.
Ashley is in heaven, you have a friend who has
God's ear.
Deb, I am so sorry to learn of your friend Ashley's death. She sounds like a young woman with a sweet spirit and a ton of spunk.
Nancy
Posted by: hermillion at August 17, 2006 10:52 PMThere are no other words except WE NEED TO FIND A CURE. Everyone has to #1 vote for the people who voted for stem cell research. #2 give to genuine organization and #3 regigster to become a bone marrow donor.
We can all make a difference.
Ashley is now on a new but great journey and she is watching over you and the rest of the people who were in her life.
Peace
Ashley sounds like such a sweet girl. I hurt terribly for her family and those who were touched by her short life. If only we could understand why these terrible things happen. I also pray for a cure. I am sure you touched her life in many ways, Deb. Hugs to you as well.
Posted by: Kay at August 18, 2006 08:19 AMI'm so sorry Deb.
Posted by: Traci at August 18, 2006 08:58 AMAshley lives through your memory.
Posted by: Mrs SEB at August 18, 2006 07:01 PMDeb, I'm so sorry about Ashley, but I'm certain she would be tremendously pleased to see you laughing with Zoe. In fact, perhaps she is doing exactly that. So, keep on laughing and hugging and getting better -- for Ashley's sake as well as your own -- and most importantly of all, Zoe's.
The great thing is that you can choose which memories to spend time with. The horrible thing is that it can only be memories now. I'm so sorry about Ashley. {Hugs}
Posted by: Karen at August 18, 2006 08:58 PMI have read this a few times. I can only imagine
how devestated you were when you heard the news.
For all the Ashley's in the world-you will when
you have the energy fight for a cure.
I think you will be most effective if you get one
of those hideous uniforms which Zoe loves.
Pink and the nickname "Sweetness" will always bring thoughts of your description of Ashley, which was beautiful. The world will be missing her. I'll say prayers for her family and for you, too.
Posted by: Bren / Cody'sMom at August 19, 2006 11:52 AMMan! I'm so sorry your friend has been taken!
My prayers go out to you and her family!
Posted by: teresa at August 21, 2006 11:39 AM