debutaunt.com

Have you ever seen the website dondatehimgirl.com? You should check it out. If he truly is a socio, nothing you do or say will affect him like it would a normal person anyway.

I vote for whatever is best for YOU. If it helps you, I say go for it. Breaking up from a relationship like this can be harder than getting over a drug addiction, and it hurts! Good luck, sweetie, I am sure you are better off without him, even though I know that is hard for you to believe right now.

My husband always says, "Listen to what men tell you about themselves. If they say you're better off without them, believe them. If they say that you're too good for them, you are. If they say to you that you don't understand them and there are things they can't tell you because you will hate them, believe them and runn like hell."

That being said, your heart wants what it wants and that's hard to deal with. Write about him for yourself. Examine it on paper as therapy Don't publish it here unless you need to for your soul/sanity.

One exercise that I used to do to make myself realize how much of a shithead the old love interest was -- I would write a want ad describing the qualities, the way he treated me and be brutally honest. Usually, once I had finished laughing about what a freak he was in the want ad, I felt much better and was ready to look forward.

Example of a want ad:

Wanted: 30-ish guy in committed relationship with someone else who will tell me he's soon to be single and yet answer the phone when I am there and she calls. Must be selfish, a consummate liar, balding with bad teeth, and have all kinds of bedroom hang ups. Unemployed a plus.

I have been following your story for months now.
Don't even know how I found it, but my advice to you is to write about it. It could very well be good therapy for you. I still pray for you. God Bless, Sandy

Write about it. Don't hold it in. My story: Older man shows interest in me, makes me feel beautiful, loved. Helps me reach a goal of dropping weight. I knew he was married, but it was "in name only". He didn't love her, he loved me....blah blah blah. It ends with him dumping me, divorcing his wife, and marrying an old ex-girlfriend. Nice. He messed up my life in so many ways. His actions caused me to very nearly desert my parents and sister. I was pretty young then (a naive 22) and believed that we could be happy. There is more to it, but I'll leave that for another day.

No advice. Just saying HI! and hoping that helps you feel less lonely.

Hi Debu,

I don't think I've ever commented, but I've read you for a while. I think you are a kind, caring, and wonderful person. Zoe is lucky to have a mommy like you, and you are lucky to have her as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and say that I think you should write about monkey boy whether you choose to post it or not. I have heard that writing about something can be extremely theraputic. You could write him a long goodbye letter or just write about what happened and then print it out and burn it.

If you feel comfortable sharing go for it, but if not just try to write about it and keep it to yourself. Either way I do think it might help you say goodbye.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Hilary

i think you owe it to yourself to write about it. i thinki that talking about it in a public format will help you purge your heart of all that drama & pain & heartbreak. if it fucks up his life a little (or a lotta) bit, then so be it. he should have thought about the consequences before he fucked around with your heart .

and, deb, someday soon you're gonna be loved again by someone who is honest & sweet & strong & hot - & NOT MARRIED! and he's gonna make you wonder why you ever even messed with monkey boy. don't settle for any less. you've fought too hard for your life to spend it with someone who doesn't cherish & fight for every second he gets to spend with you.

No advice except to do what you need to do for YOURSELF and no one else. You are still healing, Deb - you need to take the best care of yourself that you can. You are worth it!

And you can do this, Deb. Baby steps. With a fancy pedi, no less!!!!

Heh . . . no advice from me, but I love what Jill said. I think I love her husband too. :)

Okay, wait--I changed my mind--I do have some advice after re-reading the last line of your post. In my experience, sometimes friends and family can see things more clearly than you can. If your loveliest friend doesn't like him, that's a huge, blinking red sign. And if your mom didn't love him? Seeeeee ya--you're better off without him.

I do like others' ideas about writing it out for yourself, whether you decide to post it or not.

I say write about it girlfriend - whatever helps to make YOU feel better will heal your mind/heart so it has to be good for your body right?
Plus I am nosey as hell! LOL
Seriously I think you should think about it and then just make a decision and go with it.
Big hugs

I too am nosy but don't want you to hurt yourself by hurting him. Try, too, to remember how you felt when you found out for sure that Zoe's father was unfaithful. Write it for yourself and reread it in 6 months. Then decide if you want to publish it.

Hi Debu,

Loved the picture of Zoe in all her gorgeousness! I too hate all of those awful Disney girls. My 2 daughters love the anorolsonexic twins. It doesn't help that "Full House" is still on every night when they were just babies, getting yet another generation hooked!

And as for Monkey Boy -- do what is best for you. You're strong, you've got Uma, you've got Zoe, you've got US. You'll get past this. If you think writing about him will help you move on, definitely do it. I write about everything too, and it always makes me feel better.

Sherry

Hi Deb,

I'm not gonna give you advice because I'm confused about boys myself. So I'll commiserate!

I was dating a wonderful boy for three years. He sprung me out of my house, away from the crazy family who reared me. (My mom's emotionally abusive, my dad kinda takes it.) We lived together in a house with two other roommates for two and a half years. Then at the beginning of March, we all went our separate ways and he and I got our own apartments. Then two months ago almost exactly, we had a retarded fight, then he came over here three days later and blindsided me with a breakup that I still don't understand. I miss him and love him so so so much, and it sucks. And it's for the same reasons: that he loved me even though I was broken, and he loved me even when I didn't think I was beautiful and wanted me and I miss it so much I could throw up.

So: empathy.

*hugs* Love you, Debs.

Gah! Don't write it on here...it's almost as bad as writing that letter to him to give to him as you are picking up your last stuff from his place...you will SOOOO hate it later.

If I ever see the ex that I wrote the letter to I think I will have a heart attack and die on the spot. It's been many many years but I still think about that stupid stupid letter I wrote and gave to him.

Plus I wrote the letter and then found out later that he broke up with me because he was seeing another girl behind my back. But I got back...I dated his best friend...hehehehe.

I've never commented before but I've read most of your blog. I've been so impressed by how you changed from the beginning to the present. In the years you've been writing you've become a very wise person with a lot of sense about how to take care of yourself. This is reflected in all your "assignments" as well as your thoughts. So for whatever a total stranger's words are worth, go for whatever your heart leads you to do.

Okay, Number 1. do not settle for someone that treats you like doo doo just because it fit into your life plan. Being married (as you well know) is not the be all, end all. Once that infatuation crap wears off, you are stuck with who he really is. Is that a good thing? Only you know for sure.
Letter B. Don't publish anything you might regret later. Write it, think about it for a while and then hit that button if you still think it would help you move on. I'm all for putting it out there myself, but there have been times that I've later regretted (is that spelled right? it looks funny).
Last, we LOVE you to millions of pieces (even broken) and you won't be broken forever. Get well, take care of Zoe and then worry about boys! They aren't going anywhere. I promise.

If writing makes YOU feel better, then by all means WRITE. If not writing makes you feel better, do that. Trust your gut my friend. You know what's best for you. I'm in your corner no matter what you decide. Peace.

Hi! Yes, write it. We want all the gory details. Just wanted to say Hi. Always sending warm wishes your way. Annie

Deb, I’ve followed your blog after finding it on the LLS boards when my dh was dx with AML in nov. I love the way you write. You are genuine, witty and sooo captivating. I think any story you would grace us with would be fantastic. I would definitely be one of the first in line to buy your book after its published!

No advice. Just Hugs and Kisses. Hang in there!

My advice-do what you need to do for you. This
is all about you in this case. Whatever is going
too help you purge him from your heart is my
suggestion. Whew what a big long sentence.

Debu,

It sucks breaking up with anyone. Whether they are well-suited for you or not. It takes time to feel cool with it.

I do think you should write a book. Not about him. Just about your life stuff and his role is a part of that life stuff, but not the star of it.

And I would like to give you an assignment. Whenever I've had bad breakups, I decide to redirect my focus to things I've always wanted to learn, and things to improve myself, instead of saddess or hate toward that person. Cuz hating don't help.

You just need time. Over time most people realize that the person that they used to be with was a boob no matter how cool they used to be in your head. YRMV.

Love,
S

Deb,
I've been reading your blog for about 8 months now. I've cried with you, I've rejoiced with you and I've prayed every day for your continuing strength and your well being.
YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. You still are the end all be all girl you once were. You are in a tunnel right now, and you WILL come out the other side. You WILL be healthy and you WILL be stronger after this.
As for Monkey boy, SCREW HIM and the wife he rode in on. You deserve better. You are worth more than that.
Believe in yourself Deb, Love who you are, and all that you can be.
I'm pulling for you.
Gina

I think you should write about it - in context to everything you've gone through - but not here. I think it is all book material and I think it is the kind of stuff that needs to be reviewed, thought about, and edited; not posted in bit & pieces.

I am so behind what Sis#1 is saying to you. She speaks GREAT BIG WORDS OF ADVICE! Hating and getting even take a lot of energy you would be better off giving to Zoe in the form of love and to yourself in the form of love. Once you get through this, you will realize that EVERY THING he said to you, right from the beginning, was nothing but a pack of lies and therefore nothing to base a future on. You are mourning the future you thought you were going to have, not the man. You'll have that future, you were just on the wrong path, so use your energy to find the right road to travel down. Working on you and Zoe will allow that special someone to come into your life, when you least expect it. You need to read that book, "He Ain't That Into You" and you'll see clearer, I promise. Revenge, hatred and retaliation are all better left for others, your spirit is too good for all that garbage. Besides, your health really needs the good vibes stuff, to keep you moving forward in your good new life. AND why would you ever want a man that cheats on his wife? Even if she is a ho, is bad to him, he should have the khahoonas to divorce her first and then go looking for bride no. 2. Any real man of character would do it that way, but then you already know what I think of him.....and just like your sister said: you do have plenty of material for a book, and his entry would be about a half a chapter.....Zoe's dad has more space in the book than that. Don't be lonely, pick up the telephone and call me! I'll sit here and chit/chat with you. I've sent other e-mails to you recently but haven't heard back. Hope you're getting them, it's under my AOL account.

Love you,
Denise :)

Writing is great therapy. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

((((HUGS))))

I say write about it. #1 that is what a blog is for. #2 it will help you feel better. #3 I, as an avid reader, would love to know more ;-)

Most of all, do what you need to.

It makes me sad to realize that you've been in a bad relationship for so long, even though I know it has sustained you through tough times and that was probably its purpose in your life.

But even from the little bit (and it is so little, really) you have revealed on your blog, I can tell that you don't need his kind of weakness in your life. You are a strong person and you deserve someone equally strong by your side. He is out there, and his name is not "MonkeyBoy".

Deb - I say tell the story. I'm actually about to post a story about how a store manager was really rude to me. Totally NOT AT ALL on the level of your story, but, I don't know, I kinda think the Internet can make people own up to their own behavior more. Know what I'm sayin'? I've been reading for a long time and I'd like to know the whole story ...
please please hang in there .... you are looking really good!! your skin has some good color, and hopefully it isn't from that darn horky feeling :)
{{{ HUGS }}}

Hi

I must say I admire your strength and character. Not only dealing with your crappy-beat-the-shit-out-of-ya illness, but being a single Mom and going through a yuccky relationship breakup.

How you put one foot in front of the other, and focus on the positives is really inspiring to those of us who don't even know you except through your blog.

Since you asked, my advice is to do what makes you proud. If what you have to say may help someone else, then say it. If it is better left unsaid, for your own self esteem, so be it. If you need to say it for your own preservation, then honour yourself first. And of that, you should be proud.

Another Deb

that's rt...