Tonight, my heart is just hurting.
I ran across a picture of you and your dog. You are so beautiful.
And I wanted so badly to delete it from my computer. I just couldn't do it.
It feels like you are dead. It probably would have been easier if you were.
It feels like it used to in the hospital when I would be missing my Zoe, my heart. I physically ached. I hurt. I cried.
I hate being such a girl.
How can one person be so conflicted? How can I be so joyful and yet so sad?
I am so grateful. I really am. I'm so happy and damned lucky/blessed/whatever to be alive. I'm so happy to have my Zoe. I'm so happy to be around my parents and at our church. I'm so happy that I'm making friends. I still miss Houston, but am making San Antonio home.
My psych lady at the hospital (hey, it's a requirement, not by request) says I don't need meds. She says I'm like a perfectly normal person who has gone through something so incredibly rare. Traumatic, but rare. And then to add on top of it, the additional stressors of losing someone you love, friends dying, moving, etc. etc. etc. She thinks I will be just fine. I do too.
And in general, I'm a damn happy person. I laugh every day. A lot. I correspond with friends. I am getting stronger. And Zoe gives me hugs infinity. I even read two poems tonight at open mic night (thank God there were only like five people there, otherwise I probably wouldn't have done it because I nearly horked as it was).
I just am not there yet. Like there is something I am supposed to be doing, but I can't seem to figure it out. Soon. I think I just need to go on a real date, with a manly man, and have him kiss me. Like the kind of kiss that makes you forget everything. I think I need like a human margarita man, with extra tequila.
Anyway, I've been goofing around the internet and now *poof* it's like 2:40 am.
So for your poetentertainment, here is one of the poems I read tonight.
Breakfast
I remember that laugh well
And that smile you don't know
you do
Like a little kid
amused with himself
huge and spontaneous
and bright
It makes your eyes sparkle
and you look at me
and you look at me
with that amazing smile
It's always the first
thing I think about
when I think about you
Oh Deb - I hate that you are hurting! Heartbreak is an injury to the soul - worse than a physical injury in my opinion. Its OK to be sad. I'm praying for a wonderful new MANLY MAN to come your way.
Big hugs
"a human margarita man"
now THAT sounds good. ;)
hope you're feeling good today in the light of day. at least a little better.
Posted by: Sarcomical at September 6, 2006 10:29 AMFake it till you feel it girl - and you will feel it hopefully soon.
Love to you and Z! from me and e!
Posted by: d1 at September 6, 2006 02:14 PMYou refer to yourself as "such a girl" yet you have the courage to get up at an open mike night and read!
Would that I had your strength!
May that knight on the white charger arrive soon with that kiss and many more!
alan
Posted by: alan at September 6, 2006 03:28 PMMaybe it will help to think that you are mourning the loss of the relationship that should have been, and not what it was. We've all been there for sure.
Posted by: danelle at September 6, 2006 06:01 PMRing the bells that still can ring,
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.
-Leonard Cohen in Stranger Music
Posted by: surfie at September 7, 2006 11:16 AMThinking of you. {{{{{Deb}}}}}
Posted by: Traci at September 7, 2006 05:10 PMI think of you each day! I know your broken heart
will mend-and as someone else said-you are mourning
a loss. I hope in the very near future your heart
will be whole again.
Pain is awlful. But I'm glad you are here to feel it, that you are being.
Posted by: Paige at September 8, 2006 09:41 AM