debutaunt.com

Words Cannot Express

For over 3 years I have been writing in this journal. This is my 1,000th post.

A long entry, but wow. 1,000.

When I started this blog, Zoe looked a little bit older than this:

So many changes. Gosh, my life has changed so much. I think I really am such a different person now than I used to be. A better person. A stronger person. A much more spiritual person.

I know I'm a better mom. Sure Zoe rings my bell once in a while (usually when she is tired or watching tv and not listening) but I am much more patient with her now. More loving. More tolerant.

I think that comes with what we've been through this past year. It was hard on both of us. To think about it all at once is just, well, overwhelming. I missed her so much when I was in treatment. I cried at night thinking about how sweet she is. How lovely she is. The smell of her hair. Her little smooth cheeks. Her bright eyes. Watching movies with her and having picnics in our living room. Sleeping with her little hand in mine. Her little voice and the funny stories she tells. Hearing someone call me Mommy. I missed that so much. And that's why I fought so hard. Because I didn't ever want that to end. Not yet. She'll grow up soon enough, but I craved her. And that beautiful little smile.

I worried that she was afraid. Especially when she'd visit and ask me things like, "who is going to take care if me if you die?" "Why did you get cancer?" "I don't want you to die. Not even when you're a Momo Grandma." I missed her learning to read. I missed her little pictures that she'd draw. Seeing her homework and the progress she made. I wanted to be a class mom and volunteer or eat lunch with her at school.

Now I love to be around her. I miss the responsibility and stability of bringing in my own money, but I have enjoyed not working and being able to be in her life more often. I have been really busy with doctor's appointments and Zoe stuff, but I spend more time with her. I still can't be a volunteer class mom because of my lowered immune system, but I do attend class and teacher things and have met some really great parents.

We used to only really see each other for about an hour in the morning and a few hours and night. But those were the times filled with rushing. Rushing to eat breakfast, get dressed, off to school, off to work. And then at night making dinner, homework, baths, reading, bedtime. The weekends were filled with errands, babysitting, cleaning and cooking.

Now we don't rush as much. We still do once in a while. But I like San Antonio. I like the slower feel of it. The people we are around are really friendly. Especially at my parish (HI Linda & Lisa!) I like to grocery shop at off hours when no one is there. Starbucks. They know my name now. It's nice to swing by and sit and drink my coffee with no where to be. I like to sit in our living room and see all the birds and squirrels in the backyard. I like to see my Dad make Zoe laugh and my Mom read stories and cook with Zoe. I love to see her at school with all her new friends and hear their cries of "Zo Zo" and see them all hug each other like long lost pals.

I would love for Zoe to have stability in her life. To know these girls her whole life. We moved around so much, I have very few friends that I've known for years - but I do have a few.

This year has also been so humbling. To rely on your family and friends and medical staff - literally for your life. To actually be forced to depend on others. It's really humbling and makes you so grateful and thankful. Their support and love got me through this. So did you all. The many many strangers who have become my lifeline. Who have become more than just named comments. More than their blogs. It's the b-love (blog love) that comes with sharing stories. Sharing lives. Sharing laughter and love and tears. Sharing our stories. The internet is a horribly sick and scary place sometimes. But it's also amazing and wonderful.

My siblings. Wow. I loved them so much before, but it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about them. And how much they all have done for me. Sis #2. She was with me at the very beginning. Taking me to the ER on that fateful morning of October 21st when I was diagnosed.

I remember feeling this horrible sense of doom. My head hurt so bad. I was so sick that week. My hand was numb. And I really needed to go to work that Friday as Zoe had bronchitis and I missed all week - unpaid. I even got dressed for work and showered. But I knew something was horribly wrong. I had been sick before, but never like this. But that awareness saved my life. I truly believe that. That headache saved my life. It was time to listen to my body for a change instead of just mothering on.

I have always thought I was going to die before I was 40. I don't know why. But then I thought it would be from my diabetes. I knew my immune system was taking a beating. I hugged Zoe so hard. I had a feeling it would be a while before I got to see her. I don't know how I knew, but that is what happened. But then I felt this sense of peace because I knew what a great mom Sis #2 is. I felt her prayers all the time. I knew Zoe was loved there. That Sis and her husband would love and protect and take care of her as fiercly as if she were their own. She is. Our family is like that. I am like that with my neices and nephews as well.

But as a single mother, you just go. You just can't think about it. You can't. You are the mom. There is no spouse to take care of you. You just endure. And move forward.

I think all moms (well parents) do this to some extent. It's a blessed job, but often thankless and difficult. You mother and love and protect and take care of everyone else, but then sometimes let your own wellness go. My greatest joy comes from being a mom. But as some of you know, sometimes it's also often your greatest sorrow. You live your largest fear being a parent. You hope for the best. You pray. And you try to have faith that you raise a decent human being. That your child grows up knowing they are loved. All you want is for them to be a good person and to be happy with their lives. But like I tell Zoe in soccer, all you can do is try your best and have fun. And that is all that matters.

I have relied on my family so much this year. They all rallied, as did my super sister girlfriends, Meerkat, D1, Paige, Gemini Julie, and Ms. Pants. It wasn't my fight. It was OUR fight. They listened to me. And I knew that even if they weren't around, they were right by my side.

Sis #1 was exactly what an older sister should be. Protective, pro-active, compassionate, caring and truly my right hand. She took care of so much for me. She calmed me and I felt safe knowing that she had my back. That if I needed anything, she could take care of it. She's amazing and is who I want to be when I grow up :) She also rallied with my lovely supper club sisters. Between Momo G and the Supper Club/Bunko sisters, they basically performed a miracle (Now I think we should call them The White Tornado and the Mini Tornados).

And my other siblings - Sis #3 taking care of me. Checking in on me. Taking me to MDA and staying with me. (and our BMW of wheelchair rides - wheeee) She may be the "baby," but she is a great caretaker. When I was really sick, nothing made me better than seeing her bring some tomato soup and crackers.

My brothers. The Three Muskateers. Or is that Stooges? heh. There will never be any way I could repay Bro #1. I feel him every day. His stem cells. Sustaining me. Healing me. I pray they will forever cure me. I pray for him and his family every day. And how blessed I am to have had a 100% match. And my Bro #2 and his wife. He made me cry when he told me he really wanted to be the one. My match. My brothers are so important to me. All 3 of them.

And then there are familiar old (old as in past, not as in age) faces. Hearing from my cousins and friends has been so cool. I haven't seen them in nearly 25 years. But they have all reached out to me. From all over the country. From Hawaii to South Carolina. The awesome MN clan and my old Myrtle Beach girl scout pals. The internets, she makes this world not so big. And I'm so happy about that.

Finally there are my parents. I must have been an ok person in a previous life because I feel like I won the lottery when it comes to my parents. They are so kind. So sweet. They gave me life and now they have helped to save me. I always wanted my mom when I was the sickest. Coming home to her soup or stew was so nourishing. She is not an overly emotional person, but she gave me the greatest gift. You hope you never have to repay a favor like that, but she was my saint. When I was hallucinating, she sat by and had to watch that, but she was my voice of reason. The one person that I would, well almost, listen to. She is a saint. I swear.

And my father. My "spiritual tour director." I felt his prayers and blessings every day. He would leave me voicemail and always say God Bless you and I love you very much. So many of my parents friends were praying and supporting me. When I go to mass I feel home. I cried the first time I went to church there. It's really cool to me to me to meet all the people who were praying for me. I want them to see how well I look and how their prayers were (and are) working.

And then there is Monkey Boy. On one hand I am still so heartbroken. But on the other, I am so blessed to have met him. He was my rock. He was the keeper of my hope. His daily devotion to me was so incredible. The situation and terms of his marriage and our relationship were not good ones, and were complicated by our love for each other. But he really was the backbone of my support. My family was there for me mentally and physically. But MB was my lifeline to my old self. My reality-checker. My internet researcher on my disease and my treatment. My sympathetic ear when I needed one - any time of day or night. My cheerleader. And my reminder that this is only temporary. That I would have a life again. That I was strong. That I could and would get through this treatment. He was my memory. And he was my greatest love. Moreso than any other man I have ever had a relationship with. We always said we were each other's one true love. Well I will never find that out now. And that is what makes me so sad. But because I am, and will always be, The Debutaunt, I will move on. Move forward. Like I always do and like I always will.

I can do this. For I am Deb. The Debutaunt. Mother to the Amazing Zoe. And because I know I am loved by many. I can feel it.

Your assignment today is to be grateful. And appreciative. Instead of sorrowing over what has happened to you or what is currently going on in your life. Take a look at what is good in your life. It may not feel like you have any good in your life, but if you start to think about it, you can find some. Even if for today if it is just a good cup of coffee. Or a pretty bird flying on your porch. Even when I was sick as a dog, I was glad that it wasn't that often. Or that I didn't have worse side effects. I would think of my daughter and my family and friends. And those that love me and were praying for me. And somehow it would be ok. That it was going to be ok.

I also want those of you who have forgotten the airline rule. If your life mask comes down, you put it on first and then take care of those around you, like your kids. Listen to your body if you are feeling it. If you are tired, make yourself sleep. If you are sick or think something is wrong, go see the doctor. But you can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. It is important. Because one day it might be too late. And after that, it's hard to go back.

I love you all. I love you internets.

And because I don't allow myself to get too schmoopy (thanks, Pants), here are some pics from yesterday at Starbucks.

"Mom, stop it. This is important. I'm working here. I'm working here."

"Coloring at the Bucks"

Posted by debutaunt at October 1, 2006 08:37 AM