Sometimes I find myself thinking about the shadow.
*whispers* the cancer shadow.
I go to my clinic and there are soooo many people there. Most of them are in early stages and/or are really sick. It's days like those that I wish I had a private room like I used to at MD Anderson. It's days like those that not even my beloved iPod helps.
I think of my friends and it hurts to know they are dead. I think about their struggle. Our struggle. As we all went through the same thing. But I'm still here. I think of Zoe. I think about Zoe without me.
I know I indulge her too much. I feel like I've lost touch with what it's like to be a parent sometimes. But I'm exhausted and she doesn't listen anymore. She's bored. She's always speaking whinese. She's spoiled. She's sullen and insolent. It's like having a teenager around.
Except she's six.
And she knows more about sickness, cancer, throwing up, medications, and dying than a six year old should know about. And it hurts so bad that I can't protect her from that. And it hurts so bad that I can't seem to figure her out anymore. I feel lost.
Nightime is the magical time. I see her again. My sweet, loving bundle of magic. She smells good and snuggles up with me. She rubs my cheeks. She gives me her hugs. And she tells me her fears.
I don't want to die. But it's circling in my brain a lot lately. More than I want it to. I want to get out from behind this shadow. I know there are no guarantees that I will remain in remission, but I wish I had one. I wish I didn't feel so confused.
Until then, I focus on Zoe. Focus on her so in case I die she will remember me. She will always remember that I love her the most. She says "because you grew me in your belly."
Yes. Because I did.
I can do this. I cry too damn much, but that's what kleenex are for.
Posted by debutaunt at November 7, 2006 03:58 PM((((HUGS))))
I'll be down that way in early December. Maybe we can hook up.
Posted by: Kami at November 7, 2006 04:38 PMYou can do this. You will do this.
Posted by: Patrick at November 7, 2006 04:57 PMHang in there. I think your emotions are probably just now starting to really catch up with what has happened to you the last year. You were so busy staying strong to kick cancer's ass that you couldn't focus on the what if's and now that you have more time the thoughts creep in. I have survived cancer (as a child) and have been around a lot of cancer survivors - there is a true thing called survivor's guilt. It doesn't just affect cancer survivor but survivors of anything serious. Take time for you. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and realize that you are alive (1) because you kicked cancer's ass! and(2) because it was not your time to go and keep on being just who you are because THAT is the person that beat the beast.
Posted by: Michelle at November 7, 2006 06:34 PMI can only imagine what it feels like for you.
Because I have never had cancer. I know you
are a warrior, and you will survive. You have
that million dollars to raise.
In the interim: I hope you know how much your
peeps love you. You have several reasons for
a meltdown, just know you have special powers.
Aww Deb I'm sorry for your tears but agree with Michelle - let yourself feel whatever you are feeling - its the only way to emerge on the other side. I continue to pray for you daily and truly believe with my whole heart that YOU will be a true survivor until you are an OLD lady. :-)
Many hugs
Remember you are doing this, and kleenex is good. Zoe needs you as a Mom. Know who you are at your core, so she can too. Knowing won't hurt her, fear that you are keeping things from will. Trust yourself and your wonderful spunky baby girl.
AML
Deb, I've been reading your blog for months. It both lags and tracks my own experience (diagnosed with AML in Sept. 2005 and had my stem cell transplant in Dec.).
This post hit me particularly because death flits into my consciousness much more regularly than I want. It may be, as some of your readers said, that we're just now absorbing the enormity of this illness (that could be true especially for me, given my habit of relying on denial to get me through crises...).
But I remember asking my sister-in-law, who is a longterm survivor of Hodgkins, how long it took her to get cancer out of her mind. She said, "Every day for 10 years, the first thing I thought when I woke up is, 'I have cancer.'"
That wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. I want to put this death ghost behind me. But it occurs to me now that maybe the ghost's intent is to remind us, not just daily but repeatedly during the day, of what I think is our life's purpose: to love those bound to us, to care about others and act on their behalf. Seen in that light (which I didn't think of until I read your post), maybe you and I should be grateful for the death ghost.
In any case, I am grateful for you, because your descriptions of the highs and lows of this process are so on target, they help me right-size those highs and lows in my own response to this illness.
Have you thought about joining a support group, talking to a social worker at the hospital, or getting a therapist? I wish that Eric and I had gotten help with the emotional side of things sooner than we did. It's one of my only regrets about his treatment.
Posted by: amanda at November 8, 2006 11:22 PMWhat a great post by "Collins". it gave me goose bumps. Your posts have such meaning and you are an inspiration.
We are all here to support you.
I see that writing is your release and I hope it helps. Tears are another release. Go ahead and cry and have good one for me, too.
But, please remember to laugh. You have such a beautiful smile as does sweet little Zoe. My 3 at her age were quite fluent in Whinese. I'll admit, I still find myself using it. Shame on me. But, seriously savor every moment good and bad for time flies by. In her eyes you are a Queen. Makes Auntie M the Queen Mum!
Keep shedding light on that shadow.
You are loved by many.
Aloha,
EV
You've survived while many have not and I truly believe, as the others have said, its because you've got loads to do yet! The major part of the reason you are still here is because of your strength. You are strong enough to get through this. But, while you are working on all of you to get you back to where you used to be, don't forget that you are still a mom. I know you're tired, most single moms are tired when they get home from work every day. You were there before. But, if you don't set the boundaries of that whinese territory, then Zoe won't benefit from you're being here. She needs you to be her mom and to teach her what it takes to grow into the beautiful, smart, well adjusted woman she's going to be. No one else can do that but you, and it doesn't start tomorrow, or when you're not tired, or when the day is sunny....it starts now. And it goes on until forever!
You can do this, it's the job God gave you and you're doing great! And if the whining is overwhelming, send her to bed. Tell her you can't understand her when she whines...she'll stop. I know, I've gone through it with three! You're the mom, you set the boundaries. She'll love you more for it, I promise!
Love you,
Denise
PS: Lauren's home with the croup. Fun stuff--104 fever the highest, today we're a little over 103. I told her it was 203, you should have seen her eyes! So, I'll make you feel better by telling you that before breakfast I was thrown-up on and had to replace all the sheets, blankets and clothes on me and her! I missed two parties out with the girls and the Nutcracker Market today. The Nutcracker Market has been a traditional start to the holidays for Rita, Diane and I. I'm missing all the crazy ladies running around! Lunch and a fashion show....dang the luck, but it's the job God gave me and I've got to do it! Right? We both can do this, it will get better.
Posted by: Denise at November 10, 2006 10:00 AM