debutaunt.com

I Cannot Get You Close Enough

In case y'all didn't see this poignant comment on my last post from Collins, I wanted to share:

Deb, I've been reading your blog for months. It both lags and tracks my own experience (diagnosed with AML in Sept. 2005 and had my stem cell transplant in Dec.).

This post hit me particularly because death flits into my consciousness much more regularly than I want. It may be, as some of your readers said, that we're just now absorbing the enormity of this illness (that could be true especially for me, given my habit of relying on denial to get me through crises...).

But I remember asking my sister-in-law, who is a longterm survivor of Hodgkins, how long it took her to get cancer out of her mind. She said, "Every day for 10 years, the first thing I thought when I woke up is, 'I have cancer.'"
That wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. I want to put this death ghost behind me. But it occurs to me now that maybe the ghost's intent is to remind us, not just daily but repeatedly during the day, of what I think is our life's purpose: to love those bound to us, to care about others and act on their behalf. Seen in that light (which I didn't think of until I read your post), maybe you and I should be grateful for the death ghost.

In any case, I am grateful for you, because your descriptions of the highs and lows of this process are so on target, they help me right-size those highs and lows in my own response to this illness.

I definitely agree with him on this. Cancer certainly puts your priorities in order. I think mine were pretty squared away before I got diagnosed, but it sure did emphasize what was important.

But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of cancer. I'm sick of my friends dying and I hurt so bad when I read this email last night:

Okay, I am joining the Kick Cancer's Butt campaign. I have a malignancy in my right breast; I am right handed; this could be a problem. Just keep me in your prayers. I hope it is early enough (small, stage 1, isolated, no lymph node involvement) to whack it off an go on. Please pray exactly for that. Love, L R

LR is one of my most beloved readers. I don't believe she has ever commented, but she usually has the most right on, encouraging emails after the majority of my posts. She was one of my first San Antonio friends. And one sure-fire quality person. I hate cancer. But I have faith that LR will kick its sorry butt.

I'm also on the more bummed side this morning as one of my favorite uncles has inoperable lung cancer. He's nearly 80. But they are going to try chemo to see if he responds. I just think it sucks donkey balls because sometimes the pain just isn't worth it. I wish I could wrap my arms around him right now and take the pain away.

Mom is going to go see him & I wish I could go, but I'm so not travel worthy just yet. My allergies are sucking today too. I kind of overdid it yesterday. I went to a mall for the first time in over a year. Zoe and I build my uncle a Build a Bear with a secret message that plays when you press her foot. My aunt and uncle were the ones that gave me my special tickle bear. The one that giggled just like Zoe when you pressed its foot. It sure cheered me up when I most needed it. I wanted to return the favor.

Anyway, Zoe and I are chillin at casa_debu today. We are both a wee bit on the funk side.

I can do this. And so can you, LR. I'm right by your side.

Your assignment today is to do one positive thing to fight cancer. Whether it is to call someone you know who is a survivor, give blood, sign up on the bone marrow list, or donate $5 to a cancer charity, please do it today. You never know when that ghost will be knocking on your door. Or the door of a beloved.

I love you internets. I love you especially LR and Uncle Roy today. I pray for your healing and for your peace.

I Googled "I hate cancer" and this is what I found.

My Elvis. I love him because he has not left the building. And because he's one of the most honorable (and handsome) men I have met in my life. *smooches*

Posted by debutaunt at November 10, 2006 07:05 AM