debutaunt.com

Merry Mary

Ok. I cried. I wrote this big long entry and went to answer the phone, came back, and it was gone. Guess it wasn't meant to be. I was just reading what was happening this time last year. And thinking about all my friends. Most of them were still alive then. Nikki, Paula, Ashley, Clem, Kadin, Eric and all the others on my forum who have died since then.

And I could really let myself cry over it or I can look at it as... wow... look how far I have come. Holy Smokes! I'm working out. Living with the Zoester. Contemplating a book. Seeing a wonderful man. And making a life here.

I can't wait until Zoe opens her presents. She is crazy, but gosh, how I love that little Squeezer. Ok. Now if I think about that, I'm going to cry. She is going to have an over-abundance of gifts. But after Christmas, we've decided to clean house and donate things to kids who have nothing.

I can't be sad today. But I saw Nikki's first email to me.

So instead, I'm going to post some pictures I found on an old CD my dad had. Cuteness. She was about three here.

I don't mean to be a downer. But today I am grateful to be here. It's hard when you find email from someone who is dead. Or to see a picture of a person who is smiling, but no longer with us. I can't seem to delete Paula and Ashley's phone number off of my cell. And when I read Amanda writing about Eric, it just makes me want to fly all the way there just so I could hug her. I want to not forget them, but I also want to keep going.

I can do this. I will honor all of my friends by going on.

Your assignment today is to listen to some Christmas music. I listened to Charlie Brown Christmas CD. It's one of my favorites.

Merry Christmas. With sprinkles and sugar. And a walk after dinner.

From my Beloved Nikki:

(can you tell I'm missing the "Sisters?" I better get an invite to the next reunion!)

Deb, I do not make a practice of writing anyone I meet via a blog. You however fall under a different classification for many reasons.

I wrote your sister and she was very gracious and replied. I do
have one more question and this is a yes no answer. Do you own an
mp3 player?

That is all.

Feel free at any time to write me if you think it would help.
I would move the heaven the earth the stars if I thought it
would/could/help you.

All of us think that Sarah is your angel that is going to
help you out here. While she was Jewish she went to Catholic
school for 12 years. Her middle name is Lael which in Hebrew
means GOD. I think that should help you out. God doesn't care
why we found you-we just did, and I think it's all good.

I want you to know that you can write me anytime you want.
As Sarah would say if you get the "willies" just write me. We
were together for fourteen years and I know a few things about
what you are going through both personally and professionally.

If you go to our blog I have my picture up :) you can see that
I don't look like I would bite you. I am just a woman who cares
because I know you can beat this and we are going to help you.

I miss you. I hope that you and Sarah are having some wicked fun.

I think I need a vacation. No computer, no telephone or tv. Just some peace and quiet. Maybe even go somewhere by myself and chill.

Ok. I bet one of Zoe's sugar cookies might make me snap out of this.

Posted by debutaunt at December 24, 2006 02:04 PM