I've been writing the Christmas post for a few days now. It's stuck in my head. Along with way too much other stuff.
I cold-turkey'd my antidepressants (Cymbalta), the ones I was taking for the numbness in my feet. The side effects listed are:
Be alert for signs of agitation, irritability, anxiety, panic attacks, difficulty sleeping, hostility, impulsivity, severe restlessness, mania, worsening of depression or suicidal thoughts when taking CYMBALTA. Notify your doctor immediately. Do not stop drug abruptly.
UM, WHO THE F#$% THINKS THESE SIDE EFFECTS ARE OK? I have been having lots of the above. Lots. Sleeplessness, mania, agitation, irr.... hell. all of them. The are not ok with me. If I had known these were the side effects, I would have walked on numb feet with a damn smile on my face. I would have never taken them. And there wasn't any insert that came with it that mentioned those. I got that warning list from this site I paid for to check the meds I take and the potential dangerous interactions.
But now, now I really am depressed. I'm losing it. I feel like I did when I had encephilitis. I think I have scared everyone. Even myself.
And I'm pretty sure that Elvis won't be hanging in there. He says he is, but I wouldn't blame him for cursing my name and burning my photo. I was the most jacked up, rude, freaky, manic, horrible person to him tonight. Even his dad saw it. So not only am I suicidal, but my boyfriend hates me and his parents do too. Elvis even called my parents. So now everyone is freaked out. I hate my life. Can I sleep all day tomorrow and never talk about this again?
thanks Cymbalta. You fucking evil drug. I hate drugs. I am tired of being sick. I am so tired. I am so tired of meds. They just are evil. But a necessary evil. Regardless. I wish they made me feel way way better. Instead, I feel like there is a crazy woman running around pretending to me be. Like I lash out at anything in my way. It's horrible. And I wish I knew what to do (besides giving the dr. a call tomorrow) to stop feeling this way. I don't like feeling like I'm not in control of my emotional stability.
But God sends me signs. Because He likes me. The first was when I got home, there was our neighborhood skunk in the driveway where I usually park my car. Elvis drove me home, and my car is still parked at his place. I barely could see Mr. Skunk., but there he was.. walking around the grass.
The next was when Elvis hugged me goodbye. I won't tell you what the sign was, but it made me sad and I know God was trying to tell me something. Elvis... I really love that man. I doubt he thinks that now, but it's true.
Finally, Deanna Banana was online when I got home. It was after 3am. Who is up at this time of night? Good ol' DB. And there she was... with an encouraging word. Many of them. "This too shall pass."
I can do this. Even if I still want to swallow a bottle of Darvon. Because we have skunk in our midst.
I'm sorry for the crappy entry. The Christmas one is better because it came with photos. Besides I cried myself blind. Seriously. I can hardly see. I have my face like 3 inches from my screen and I'm squinting. I will look like a prizefighter tomorrow. This sucks bad.
You assignment today is to forgive me. Life for real.
You will never know the extent of my love for you.
Posted by debutaunt at December 29, 2006 03:25 AMI do hope you call the doctor. Elvis should understand if he loves you. You have been through hell. We all are praying for you. A belated Merry Christmas. You can do this, squinty eyes and all. Have some fruitcake.
Posted by: toto at December 29, 2006 06:21 AMGet with the doctors...like today. It seems pretty dang bad but somehow I get the idea that Elvis is a big boy with some understanding of the big picture. He doesn't seem like the type to expect that things are always going to be rosy every day. And from what I've read, he seems to be doing things for you that demonstrate a deep and genuine concern for you.
Best thoughts and prayers for you and Zoe and Elvis for the coming year.
Posted by: Patrick at December 29, 2006 07:49 AMWe are our own worst critic. All is forgiven, love. Ice cream always helps in these emergencies. But since you're working out and being all healthy, carrots it is.
Very Much Love,
Kadin's Momma forever....
Posted by: Kadin's Mom at December 29, 2006 08:02 AMI, too, freaked out when I found out what the side effects of my anti-depressants were...and have been trying to work my way off of them ever since.
If it is meant to be, Elvis will understand.
And if you continue to feel this bad, a trip to the emergency room might be in order. Take it from someone who knows--being "teh crazee lady" gets you preferential treatment in an ER.
Take care, love.
Posted by: amanda at December 29, 2006 08:06 AMhugs - lots of them
Posted by: mrtl at December 29, 2006 08:36 AMThank you for this post. Thank you for the honesty in it - the truth in your words. Depression sucks. I fight my own depression. It sucks. I refuse meds - so I have to battle it on my own. And, though I do not know the details, it sounds like we are alike when we are in this mode, I push my Sweetie as far as I can. Luckily he is a rubber band and comes right back. I hope your Elvis is a rubber band too. Please see the Dr and let us know how it goes.
You and your family are in my prayers - as always.
Posted by: Missy at December 29, 2006 09:16 AMMuch as we hate to have you visit doctors again - please see as many docs as it takes to get these bad feelings under control. Just make sure they don't give you more drugs. Hang in there - the internets are still all thinking of you and wishing you, Zoe, your family, and dear Elvis a truly happy and peaceful New Year.
Posted by: Red Hamster at December 29, 2006 09:17 AMHey, you got me to de-lurk with this post. I agree with the others that as much as you might hate the doctors you need to get with one right away. My hub takes Celexa which seems to have banished the demons. He was on the anti-depressent merry-go-round for quite a while until we got this med. The side effects are pretty non-existent for him, although they list some physical things like ab pain or nausea, it doesn't appear to have the side effect of making suicidal thoughts or making depression worse. But, you need to check all the info out, of course.
I think you'll find Elvis understands. I hope so. He's stuck it out so far and seems like a truly special person.
You CAN do this. Transfer all the bad vibes to the skunk.
Put on your crown and dance around the room with Zoe. You are princesses.
Much luv for health and happiness to you in the new year.
I'll go back to lurking now......
Oh, Deb. I hope you're sleeping by now and letting your mind rest. Jeez, I'm hating drugs for you and hoping that all the signs and the words of wisdom from those who love you will continue to give you hope to get you through the moments (or hours, days, etc.) until stability is yours again.
We've struggled with a few of the evils that are tormenting you and it's 'no bueno' as my kiddo says.
Not to diminish your woes but only to add a twist here for you to laugh at... I read your reactions and side effects and thought, "Whoa... I do all that without drugs...lol." You can shake your head and say "Poor, poor Ed (hubby)! He's a saint!" And you'd be right.
Mega hugs and prayers for you, hon. And do get with the doc, they need to know what you're going through and you get relief.
Posted by: Bren / Cody'sMom at December 29, 2006 10:48 AMDude! I have been the raving lunatic crazy woman because I tried to get off of medicine before also. I wish I could take back the things I did that were nuts but at the time they made so much sense. I have literally thrown myself on the floor like a child. You feel like there is no coming back from episodes like that, but there always is a way. The best thing is to realize that it's fairly normal and it's not the end of the world if you do take an extra Darvocet and just sleep it off. Sometimes you just need time.
Posted by: Dawn at December 29, 2006 03:09 PMI join you in depression. The ones I’m now taking are the cheapest generic my doc could find and they aren’t working. However, I’d never cold turkey an antidepressant (and I’ve had some rough side effects in the 40 years I’ve been taking them); sometimes the effects of withdrawal are worse than the side effects of the meds!
Blessings and I hope you have a very happy and wonderful 2007.
Aw Deb so sorry you are feeling this way. I agree with the others, if Elvis is as good a guy as you say, he'll hang through the yuckies with you. I have been on antidepressants since 1998. I am on Lexapro now and have been for over a year. It helps me in amazing ways. The catch-22 is you have to find the right one for you and that is often a pain in the ass quite frankly.
Talk to your doctor. Coming off them cold turkey is bound to make you feel worse.
Posted by: Michelle at January 1, 2007 06:53 PM