They are going to do the biopsy tomorrow (Friday) at 1:30.
I want to go by myself. But I also feel really scared and don't want to go alone. The sense of dread that I've had since the new year is still here. It's like every day is pretty much the same. And I feel like I have some ticking timebomb inside me and that I should be out seeing the world instead of counting down to die. I should be running. Skydiving. Riding my bike hundreds of miles.
I should pull Zoe out of school and take her to Rome. Or Greece. Anywhere but here. That I should spend hours kissing the man I love. Seeing the world and dying somewhere foreign. That I should die from some crazy wild mountain climbing accident instead of filling myself with meds and dying hooked up to a machine.
I think I'm going to take a Darvon and just go to bed at like 6 tonight.
I think all the dread of this procedure is a little bit overwhelming to me. This is the first test I've had post-transplant where the word abnormal has been used. Until I find out what's going on, I feel abnormal.
Posted by debutaunt at January 18, 2007 05:07 PMI'll be sending good vibes your way sweetie. I'm sorry this is so scary.
Posted by: Traci at January 18, 2007 05:21 PMDeb, I'm sending many good thoughts down I35 from Austin down to SA for your procedure tomorrow.
Posted by: Sharon at January 18, 2007 06:59 PMI will be thinking about you and sending good vibage. I hope you have good news tomorrow and everything turns out ok.
Posted by: Carol at January 18, 2007 08:00 PMSending you good vibes for tomorrow, You are SuperDeb you can conquer anything
Posted by: Robbi at January 18, 2007 08:09 PMI think we will all be with you in spirit. You
won't be alone all the internets will be with you.
Good luck I would be scared also. :(
Posted by: Claire at January 18, 2007 08:30 PMI'll be praying for you. {{{deb}}}
Posted by: Jessica at January 18, 2007 09:02 PMi'm praying for you. xo
Posted by: islaygirl at January 18, 2007 09:22 PMYou can do this. Breathe in and breathe out. There'll be lots of prayers going up for you. Keep us posted when you are feeling better.
Posted by: Lynn at January 18, 2007 09:53 PMI know this is off the topic. I saw dread and
thought of dreadlocks. Maybe that will help you
tomorrow. Does the doctor have dreadlocks?
You'll get through this, Deb, because that's what you do. Like all the people who love you, I hope that the test results will be a clear and resounding, "Everything seems pretty darn fine. Dunno what that 'abnormal' part was all about." If not, though, then you simply will fight (and win) the next battle. There's nothing scary about test results. It's the NOT knowing that is driving you crazy. I know I join many, many others in sending good vibes in your direction.
I love you - you can do this. Sending lots of good vibes your way.
Posted by: Julie at January 19, 2007 09:28 AM