debutaunt.com

Public Enemy

I wake up now and my eyes are always dialated. I look kind of crazy or high. My docs don't know why they are doing that. No matter what meds I take or don't, they dialate until I get either a few more hours or sleep, or if I get up and get moving. It's bizarre. Maybe I have a brain tumor now. My doctor doesn't seem concerned. I'm pleased. Not.

Today I woke up and wanted to work out. Like immediately. I am going to work out as hard as I can until I get these stupid test results back.

I don't care what the results tell me. I don't want to go through all this shit again. The chemo. Going bald. Throwing up. Poison medicine. Radiation. Missing Zoe. Losing my strength. Losing my hope. Losing myself.

I want to fight and fight and fight until I die.

I am going to make my body pay for betraying me. All the ills, all the sorrow, all the shame, and all of the guilt. I'm going to work out like Linda Hamilton's stronger sister.

Badass

It's 12 o'clock. I'm going to shower and then go to this doctor. By myself. I have so many people in my life, but in the end, it's just me. No one wants to be there. No one can do it for me. I have to fight and be strong. I pray that the abnormal cells are just a fluke. That it has something to do with the transplant, and that it's not the shadow closing in on me.

I pushed myself for an hour and a half this morning doing cardio. I got sick in the middle of it. I don't care. I don't care anymore.

Fuck you cancer. I fucking hate you.

I can do this. I'm alone and I have nothing left but my determination.

Your assignment today is to remember who you are. When you think defeatedly, you will be defeated. You have gone through some hell and back. And you're still here. You can do this. Not for your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend. Not for your parents or family or children. You can do this for YOU. Suck it up today. Quit being such a wimp. Don't make me hand you a box of tampons!

I think I'm going to add this song to my iPod. Right now, my iPod is about the only thing I have going for me.

Public Enemy lyrics,
Fight The Power lyrics

1989 the number another summer (get down)
Sound of the funky drummer
Music hittin' your heart cause I know you got sould
(Brothers and sisters, hey)
Listen if you're missin' y'all
Swingin' while I'm singin'
Givin' whatcha gettin'
Knowin' what I know
While the Black bands sweatin'
And the rhythm rhymes rollin'
Got to give us what we want
Gotta give us what we need
Our freedom of speech is freedom or death
We got to fight the powers that be
Lemme hear you say
Fight the power

Chorus

As the rhythm designed to bounce
What counts is that the rhymes
Designed to fill your mind
Now that you've realized the prides arrived
We got to pump the stuff to make us tough
from the heart
It's a start, a work of art
To revolutionize make a change nothin's strange
People, people we are the same
No we're not the same
Cause we don't know the game
What we need is awareness, we can't get careless
You say what is this?
My beloved lets get down to business
Mental self defensive fitness
(Yo) bum rush the show
You gotta go for what you know
Make everybody see, in order to fight the powers that be
Lemme hear you say...
Fight the Power

Chorus

Elvis was a hero to most
But he never meant ---- to me you see
Straight up racist that sucker was
Simple and plain
Mother---- him and John Wayne
Cause I'm Black and I'm proud
I'm ready and hyped plus I'm amped
Most of my heroes don't appear on no stamps
Sample a look back you look and find
Nothing but rednecks for 400 years if you check
Don't worry be happy
Was a number one jam
Damn if I say it you can slap me right here
(Get it) lets get this party started right
Right on, c'mon
What we got to say
Power to the people no delay
To make everybody see
In order to fight the powers that be

(Fight the Power)

Posted by debutaunt at January 19, 2007 12:04 PM