8. It's 8pm. And I'm ready to go to bed.
I called Dr. Egypt back today. He called a few days ago to check up on me. He must be lonely as he's been calling quite a bit lately. I know he misses Texas. He wants to move back (he's in Delaware). At least if he did, I'd have someone to talk to. He liked to go do stuff. To talk to me about everything. He made me laugh. Often. He still does with his cute accent and his dorky, funny ways. I'm not going to think about him any more. I can't.
All my friends live in Houston. I'm lonely. Elvis is gone. Work stuff. Dallas. Austin. Maybe for good. I hope not, but I have no idea. I am sad as hell because I don't know if he even knows. He doesn't even have time or doesn't want to talk to me. I'm not even sure if we are broken up or not. I think we are. I hope we aren't. He is my best friend. I can't think about it anymore. It upsets me.
So in the meantime, I'm making myself pay. I feel like Robert DeNiro in "The Mission." He kills his brother and feels like he should be punished by carrying around his armour. I feel like I have done something wrong. I must be a terrible person. I. Will. Have. To. Pay.
First the cancer and the treatment and the transplant. Then the lovetothedeathmatch of Monkey Boy, and then finding Elvis, this wonderful and beautiful man only to lose him somewhere, somehow. And now these tests. I feel like a giant monster is catching up to me.
And the only common denominator is me. There must be something wrong with me. It can't all be them.
I stopped making Zoe sleep in her own bed. She will one day. She kept coming in and waking me up anyway. So while she lays next to me, I hold her tight when she sleeps. And smell her hair. She puts her little hand in mine. Curls it up like a tiny mouse in my palm. Her cheeks are so soft and you can hear her little breath in and out. I think back to when i was in the hospital. I slept with her little monkey. I tried to remember what she smelled like; remember the way she used to reach out her hand and find the back of my arm. But my hospital room was all so antiseptic, so sterile. I couldn't remember my home. I couldn't remember her smell, her laugh, her hug. I felt like I was in jail.
She has been very calm and grown up lately. Working on signs, "Jump Rope Class This Way ----->" and working on a word find book. She's helped me a lot. She knows something is up with Elvis. She misses him and asks when he is coming back. I just tell her he's gone for work. I've caught her a few times dialing him on my phone. She knows his number. I was coming out of the shower when she said something to him and then I heard her say to his voicemail, "We love you," and "Mommy misses you."
I do miss you. I don't want to forget.
I want a vacation. I want to go to church and pray and cry and scream and be alone. I was at the gym and I was flying on the bike. Riding so fast I felt like my heart would burst. And I was looking out the window and everyone just seemed so normal and lighthearted. Walking in - smiling and fit. Carrying and bustling their children against the cold wind into the gym with them. Strong, healthy good-looking people. Young and old. All headed in. And then I noticed I wasn't just sweating, but I was crying. Like one big salty mess of liquid on my face. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. No one looked at me. I was off to the side overlooking the parking lot. No one ever looks at me. I want to be invisible. I want to pretend like I am a stealth ninja. Like I don't exist. I don't think I do.
I think I am going to go on that cruise. I will beg to go. I want to go by myself and read and sleep and look at the sun setting. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to explain cancer to anyone or why my hair is so short. I don't want to explain the slight limp I get at times. I want to feel the need to NOT have to explain. Just like carry on a normal conversation or just to be quiet. I can't remember the last time I went an entire day without talking to someone. I want quiet.
Can you see where this is going? Because I sure can't.
These tears in my eyes are thicker than blood.
But I see you. You are not invisible, just having a rough patch. I. Simply. Adore. You.
Posted by: Dawn at January 22, 2007 09:18 PMi can't say anything, deb, other than i hear you. and i'm here, listening.
Posted by: islaygirl at January 22, 2007 09:31 PMOh Deb - I'm so sad to know you are down right now. I am praying like crazy that the test results are just fine so that you can mark that off your list of worries. Praying for you and Elvis too. I'm so sorry you are lonely - I live far away in Illinois but think of you SEVERAL times each and every day and will be glad to chat online with you any time.
I hope tomorrow is a much better day.
Big hugs
My blessings to you, Deb. You remain in my prayers:
May the light of your soul guide you.
May the light of your soul bless all that you do
with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
May the sacredness of your being bring healing, light
and renewal to you.
May you be present in what you do.
May you never become lost in bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find you awake and alert,
approaching your new day with dreams, possibilities and promises.
May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May your soul calm, console and renew you.
hey babe - hang in there - you're loved..
Posted by: sunil at January 23, 2007 12:28 AMI've been feeling very similar although my reasons are somewhat different to yours of course. But it's so not fun. All I can offer you is what came to me in the dark of night,last night. I feel as if I'm being stripped of everything in life. Everything that "normal" people" seem to have. And yet what is all that worth anyway? At the end of the day, we ALL die some time or the other. The happy smiles don't last and it's a constant chase for most people, to keep up the smiles and the "good life."
Ok so maybe very few have had to face what you (or I) have. But they all have their ghosts. Feeling like I've lost everything and that I've shut myself off from everyone, is the PITS. But it also forces me to look at who I really am. What am I worth to ME, not to anyone else. I too have kids who I've lived for for the last few years. But they're now in their teens and just as with Zoe, they will move on into their own lives.
To look to men to fill us and love us and keep us means we crash every time they move on. It seems to me everyone is only in it for what they get back. (Like when you had to go for tests alone.) That's just the way it IS. I have to say ok, so what now... I will trust that we both find the way ahead.
Much love
Posted by: J at January 23, 2007 05:20 AMYour in a big 'winter slump" and it sucks. I hope all of your worries get resolved...and you can be happy again, FOR YOU FIRST THEN OTHERS.
thing of you
This post made my eyes leak.
I have no magic words to make you feel better or witty sayings to make you laugh. All I can offer is a long distance hug from Indiana and the knowledge that I am thinking about you and praying for you.
Posted by: Jessica at January 23, 2007 08:35 AMDude-
Hugs.
All I can say is when things are like this, it is best to approach each day as just one day, and not to think of everything at once. You are a miracle. Someday you will look back on this stuff and it will be an odd dream. Or not.
More hugs.
-S
No sweetie, you are beautiful and wonderful. You are not the common denominator.
Posted by: sarcastic journalist at January 23, 2007 10:05 AMI wish I had some magic wand of words for you honey. I don't. I hear your words, I hear your fear. I hear YOU. Sometimes that's all we can give each other. I think of you every. single. day. I smile thinking of you working out and snuggling with Zoe and redefining yourself and your life. You are doing good work. I'm sorry it is so hard. {{{{{Deb}}}}}
Posted by: Traci at January 23, 2007 11:25 AMHi,
I think this time of the year makes everyone feel like they are in a funk.
It is ok to cry. How horrible if you were so cold inside that you had no emotion. You have been dealing with a lot of heavy stuff over the past few years. It's ok to be bummed. When you are ready you will move on.
Keep working out. Try to find something positive and make it your focus.
You have much going for you. You have Zoe, your family and a whole group of friends who would be with you if they could.
Look for the silver lining. It's there somewhere.
Aloha,
EV
You know, my husband used to say to me back when we were really, really broke, had kids, and no idea how to put food on the table or pay a light bill....
"Life is still just life."
I never understood that.
I do now.
"Here" is never really any better than "there." It's always a struggle. We all take a shit every day and put our pants on one leg at a time.
My loving grampster used to say too, "When you have reached the bottom, the only way is up."
(((Hugs to you)))
The Internets love you probably more than you can imagine.
Please tell me you haven't stopped the Lexipro all of the sudden. They say those damn drugs aren't addicting, but they ARE PHYSICALLY ADDICTING. Anytime you have to taper a drug, it's addicting and I don't care what anyone says. SSRIs are dangerous. IMHO, ask for a non-SSRI antidepressant to use as a taper. Again, IMHO, it'll be much easier, but you'll have to consult your physician.
(((more HUGS)))
Posted by: Surfie at January 23, 2007 02:03 PMSomebody here said one day at a time. You have been through hell. I don't think 99.9 % of us have an inkling of what your life is like. BUT I think 99.9 % of us know you will come out on top. Why?
Because of who you are. I sure wish this was easier for you, heck I don't have the magic words, just lots of good vibes coming your way.
oops. I can "hear you and see you". I think we are magical like that :)
Posted by: Claire at January 23, 2007 02:23 PMWhat is this cruise you speak of? I need a vacation. I am at the point where I am going to go on one, even if I do it by myself. You wanna book a girlie cruise together? I promise you don't have to talk at all if you don't want to. But I will make you laugh til you pee.
:(
I understand. Maybe instead of writing you could give us a sign. A smiley face or a frown so we know how you are? hmmmm
God bless you and everyone you love!
Posted by: Toto at January 23, 2007 08:48 PMDeb, I noticed you used the term "common denominator". That's a math term...and unless your significant other is or was a math major, math has very little to do with affairs of the heart. That's what your love, your life is - an affair of the heart. Your love for Zoe, Elvis, your family isn't best expressed through formulas or other logical expressions. It's expressed through your words, a caress, a hug, a smile, an openness to share tears and perhaps most importantly to accept being loved.
Sometimes we do things to alienate those closest to us and to push away those we desperately want to draw closer. We don't feel like we deserve the love of others. But that's not true. Love isn't logical. It pushes beyond to the obvious to the real. And what's real is that people, even those you see with "normal lives" don't live their lives on a constant even keel. There are highs and lows. We see it in those we love and we accept it, but sometimes when we're in a low spot we don't give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, that somehow we deserve to be judged by a harsher standard.
Accept the love of others, Deb. It's there. You are loved and you deserve that love.
I'll quit now before I spiral into a full-fledged chapter of "An Idiot's Guide on Not Sweating the Small Chicken Soup for the Soul of Dummies". If you need to take a break, take it and see if you find you life off the web better. If it makes you feel better stay off the net. Just know that you are always in my prayers and I'll keep checking in even if you don't have anything to say.
God be with you.
Patrick
Posted by: Patrick at January 24, 2007 10:30 AMI don't know what to say other than if you want to come to Houston and hide out I have some room for you. And I have beer. Beer makes lots of things better.
And I'll let you go on the cruise but your ass better be in Houston for the Blogger Blowout in April. Lots of us girls can't wait to meet you and give you lots of hugs. And get you drunk. That's what we do best.
Posted by: Shell at January 24, 2007 07:39 PM