No. I'm not hating on Elvis. I love the dude. Let me repeat that. I love the dude. But he's a good person and I love him like I love my friends.
But as I called it, Puss Face (sorry, he hated that I called him that - it was more meant as sourpuss than anything) read my blog and said that I "invaded his privacy" once again. That I dogged him until the end. I'm sorry, I was under the assumption that the end was weeks ago when he dumped me and made me feel like it was all my fault. Was that his intention - to hurt me? Probably not. But that's how *I* felt about it. And I know I didn't intend to "dog" him. He's a good man. He was a good boyfriend. But it didn't work out. And that's that. He told me on the phone weeks ago that he would never go out with me again. Never. I took him on his word. So as Sis #1 would say, "it is what it is."
And you know what? My blog isn't about other people. It's about how *I* react to them. How *I* react to my life. How *I* reacted to my cancer and my treatment. .... you get the drift. My blog. My life. My upset to have. My sadness to live with. My joys to share. My failures and my successes. My life. My world. Call it selfish, but "I am who I am." You don't have to read it, but I have to write it. I thought it was optional, but it's not.
My blog used to be called "Hostage in My Own Head" years ago. I write because I have to. Not because I want to. It hurts not to write. I feel sick and scattered and disorganized when I don't write. I can't sleep either because I feel like my head is going a million miles an hour. When I had cancer, I would wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and feel like I immediately had to write. I was sad, scared, lonely and it was my way of coping. And reaching out.
Elvis is a good man. From a good family. In his mind, he tried. But he did what he did. He did not like to discuss anything, so I don't feel like he tried that hard. He dumped me. I can't change anything that happened between us. I can't change the times I frustrated the hell out of him. He was really good about those times. More patient than I deserved.
But to say that me writing about him is invading his privacy? Perhaps, but it sounds more likely to me like he has a guilty conscience. He didn't like what I wrote is all. He doesn't like my actions. I can't change them. I own up to them. I didn't throw him under the bus. (that phrase is played, I need a new one). He was my best friend. I totally miss that. I could see us being friends again some day. Zoe adores him. He was good to my family. And to me. But now that I "invaded his privacy" all bets are off. It's over. Again, I thought it was over already. I didn't think all that much about it. I wasn't writing about him. I was writing about how all of it makes me feel. Sad. I feel really really sad.
And now he hates me. He never once told me he was sad - until today - about us breaking up. I am. I probably always will be. I know I always will be. But it didn't work out. I can't change it. But I can think about it. I can learn from it. And how I learn... I write about it. I think about my actions and I take responsibility. He broke up with me because he didn't like how it was going. I don't blame him. But (all Seinfeld-like) HE broke up with ME. If I write about it, it's just because it's how I deal with it. At least I deal with it. And I move on. It's why I'm the debutaunt. I can't mope for long. Because I know life is too short.
I love him. He knows it. I do hope he can get over it. And stop hating me. We had fun. There were many more good times than bad. And I choose to remember the good. The bad is just depressing.
But such is life. It's not the first time I've been dumped. And I bet it won't be the last. Hopefully it will, but I'm not that optimistic. Not just yet.
I live and love and love again.
Once upon a time I wrote:
I think I could fall in love every single day. I do but I don't. It's why my life is always confusing me.
But it's also why my life is fantastic.
Because it's just that easy
I'm sorry, Elvis. I am.
I can do this. I have a date (non-date) with "Bob" on Saturday. School fundraising gala. I needed a date. My lovely (and handsome) friend "Bob" agreed to go. At least I won't be alone and I'll have someone to talk to movies about. He's an encyclopedia of funny. Thank goodness. He's a peach. He's very cool. And he's taller, so I'm going to attempt some heels.
Your assignment today is to wish me well on my "date," and to wish something good to Elvis. He deserves some cheering up. He sounded so stressed out and mad on the phone today. I'm sorry for that. He most likely won't read this, but one day, he probably will. And I'd like him to read how we didn't throw him under a Greyhound. After all, he did clean up Zoe's pancake barf. He did walk with me for my walkathon. He did let me lean on him when I needed it. And he did make me very happy and make me fall in love with him and San Antonio. God puts people in your life when you need them. The Big Guy is cool like that.
A PRAYER FOR A LOVED ONE
Lord, be his shepherd,
Keep him with the flock,
Watch him and tend him,
Be his resolute rock.
Don't let him falter,
Don't let him fall,
Wait with him, Father,
Be there for his call.
Hold his hand firmly,
The path grows so steep,
Wipe his tears gently,
Should he start to weep.
Teach him to follow,
In Your humble way,
Help him to walk,
In Your shadow each day.
Strengthen his body,
Weaken his will,
Should he deny You,
Stay with him still.
Give him Your shoulder,
On which he may rest,
Embrace him warmly,
Next to Your breast.
Please place Your hand,
Upon his dear head,
And give him Your blessing,
As his spirit is fed.
Quiet his mind,
Comfort his soul,
Put peace in his heart,
Make his life whole.
Give him a vision,
Of Your tender smile,
Let him feel loved,
All of the while.
by Virginia A. Ellis
copyright © 1999
Thanks for posting that prayer... I really needed that. Sending one up for you as well. Peace.
Posted by: lex at February 8, 2007 05:06 PM*"And by the way, I really breaking up with you. I mean it. I really really really mean it. And I'm not going to speak to you either. Not one more word. No more. Never again will we speak. Because I am not saying anything anymore to you. NOTHING! Nunca. Nada. Nein. Nope, never ever ever eeeeeevvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrrr. Did I mention that I'm breaking up with you? Yes, I'm the breaker upper. You are the break -ee. Bwahahahahaha. Never will I speak again. Never. Never. (pause)
"Oh wait, did you pick up my pants from the dry cleaners? You threw me under a bus. I don't even like riding buses much less being thrown under them. And did you see my bus pass in the pocket of my pants that you took to the cleaners?
"I am breaking up with you again. I AM THE SUPREME BREAK UP MACHINE! Yessssssssssssssssssssss."
(Break dancing can be heard in the background.)
*A quote from the real conversation Deb had with Elvis.
Posted by: sis #2 at February 8, 2007 05:44 PMSis #2. You are so wrong for that. Folks, that conversation did not happen. Nor would it.
Now be nice and say something good. Dude sent me a very lovely email. It's why I will never hate him.
Posted by: debu_nobus at February 8, 2007 06:15 PMDeb....here's to a wonderful time with Bob, in heels....ooops you, not him *L*
As for Elvis...when we hurt we sometimes lash out. Sometimes it makes us feel better to find something wrong with the person we care for, but cannot be with. It helps us to move on.
From what you have said about him along the way, and especially in this post, there was/is real love there. And my hope is that when the pain subsides, the friendship can be reinstated.
Yes, what is, just is. And you girlfriend...well you just totally rock!!!!
Hugs
Fi
Posted by: Fiona at February 8, 2007 06:53 PMFiona,
You are right. I was hurt. And I did lash out.
Elvis - I miss you and your Jesus wine.
Posted by: sis #2 at February 8, 2007 07:10 PMJesus wine? You mean Jesus juice? Because that's what Michael Jackson serves on transatlantic flights...and I want no part o' that. *Runs from room screaming and promptly gets hit by the MetroRail* (but that's not an actual bus)
:)
Posted by: Ctal at February 8, 2007 07:30 PMNo, Elvis brought over some wine for Thanksgiving, so good, it could have been made by Jesus himself.
Good times.
Posted by: sis #2 at February 8, 2007 10:28 PMDeb, I had a simular problem with my blog, I "offended" someone with one of my postings. I had to explain that my blog was not about them, It was about me, my feeling,my thoughts, my fears and if they didn't get that, then they needed to keep their nose out of my blog, If they truly cared about me they should have understood that. I went thru a year of no contact with one sister while I underwent my Auto SCT last year and when I ranted about that, she called and "bitched" me out. It was the only time she called me in all of 2006. Don't sweat the Elvis thing, he's a big boy, and if he is or was any kind of true friend, he will understand and get over it. And you are the Deb_utaunt. You ROCK
Robbi
Posted by: Robbi at February 9, 2007 07:23 AMI am sending you big smooches and hugs. I hope Saturday with Bob is awesome.
As for Elvis - I have read all of your posts and have no idea what the man is talking about??? Its not like anyone out here in internet land knows who he is and you just stated the facts and YOUR feelings (umm hello it is YOUR blog and was your blog way before he came along). I think he is sad about the breakup - probably angry at himself for the way things were handled and just processing it all jumbled up . .. I have said a prayer for him that he will be able to let this go and that you guys will be friends eventually.
As for you girlfriend - I pray for you everyday and thank God that he continues to answer them.
You have kicked cancer's butt and adjusted so well to so many changes - YOU truly are awesome.
Big hugs
Yes, this is yours, and you would only be invading his privacy by posting his picture and real name. Come on, Elvis. Don't read it if you don't like it.
That shit pisses me off. Sorry, Deb.
Posted by: kami at February 9, 2007 10:06 AMLet's see...say something good about Elvis...ummm, I don't KNOW Elvis so I'll say "Give the guy a break, he is, after all, just a guy and what do they know anyway?" He probably did the best he could even if he did hurt you and the Zoe...and everybody. Things happen for a reason and who knows what the reason is? I hope he's a "real" man and owns up to his stuff and even if he doesn't...no one is all bad or all good so maybe he'll learn something from all this eh?
Oh, and Elvis? This is Deb's space, if you don't like it, don't read it honey.
As for you, Miss Debu, you ROCK! I'm sorry you're sad. Have a lovely date night and remember you are hear for a reason and you are finding your way...a step at a time...brava to you sweetie!
Posted by: Traci at February 9, 2007 01:50 PMElvis, you obviously had a very positive affect on deb because she would not speak of you in such good terms if you were a jerk to her. As a friend of debs, I hope that you lead a happy and healthy life and that eventually you all can remain friends.
Deb, have fun on your date (non-date). Bob is a good egg to hang out with you at the last minute.
Posted by: Kathy at February 9, 2007 05:57 PMDear Elvis-
You don't know under a bus. I once dated a guy who cheated on me, or rather already had a serious girlfriend before he met me, and some other things happened. I then wrote the biggest baddest blog post naming him and shaming him. Deb will be able to testify (can I get an AMEN sista) that I flattened this man with a steam roller. All of his friends found out what he did and he lost the respect of quite a few people.
The point being, Deb vented that you douched her over, she did not sell you out or make you to be Hitler reincarnated. I am sure you are a very nice man and will find happiness with someone one day, but to have the expectation to privacy after you break up with someone is just totally foolish. Once you end a relationship you no longer have the expectation to privacy. At least Deb didn't post the emails you sent each other (a personal favorite move of mine).
Deb, Elvis (who I keep calling Oscar in my mind, weird right?) is lucky there was no Scorched Earth Post. Just shine him on.
Posted by: Some Girl_Steam Roller at February 10, 2007 09:36 AMAmen, sister, amen.
Posted by: sis #2 at February 10, 2007 04:39 PMhow did you throw him under the bus? i've never read his real name, address or cell phone number on this blog. that to me, would be throwing him under the bus. maybe he's mad at himself for driving the bus. so you miss him still. so you love him still. is that not allowed? what did he expect? i'm sure there was a time he wanted you to love him... did he think that would just end, when he ended it? oh, here's something nice and uplifting... hey, elvis, you're a good guy. chin up, buddy.
Posted by: miah at February 13, 2007 09:11 AM