debutaunt.com

Grrrrrrr Rabbiter from the Big House

Not only is there no cause for my headaches, there are many causes for my headaches. At least there aren't any serious causes for my headaches. Which I'm entirely grateful for. I'm damn lucky.

I saw the sweetest little boy in opthamology this morning. He was bald, in a wheelchair, with a pinkie sized scar on his head. He was listening to his iPod and singing as children do; half in and half out of the lyrics. Then he'd get loud and smile and sing. He looked so joyful. His mother said he had surgery for a brain tumor, and was at the clinic to have his vision checked. "Mom, I'm ok. I can see just fine." What a beautiful boy. I hope he lives to be 90.

I'm not really sure when I will get out of the clink, but I'm just glad that they are trying to exhaust all the possibilities for this pain. I love the doctors and nurses here. Even though I'm not as sick as many of the patients surrounding me, they have all been so caring and kind.

Unlike the neuro opthamologist (NO) they haven't been treating me like I want to be here because it's fun or that I want attention. Trust me, I wouldn't have these tests (uh... six inch needle inserted into your spine), miss my daughter's spring break, sleep crappily in a crappy bed, not be able to workout or hangout with my friends and family, and have my insurance charged a fortune if I didn't worry about what is going on in my head.

I'm glad it's nothing, but it is frustrating not to know why I'm having the pain. And I take so many meds that it would be nearly impossible to find out which one would cause side effects. All the ones I take are medically necessary, so it's not like I could stop taking any one of them.

I haven't been having the weird eye dialation thing as much here, as they are dialated for a while when I wake up, but not as long as when I'm at home. I'm surmising that this is because I am not sleeping a full night's sleep and get woken up during the night for vitals, etc.

The NO was a bit testy with me this morning. I won't even write about how frustrating last week was trying to get in to see her, but lets just say that the third generation New Yorker came out in me. She seemed to act like.. see.. you were freaking out about your eyes and it's nothing. She says that the "migraines" are caused by the tacrolimus (the anti-rejection medication) I don't quite get that diagnosis as these don't feel like migraines. And I've been on tacro since February 2006 and the headaches were there from November 2005 (after my spinal taps). They've increased in intensity and the all day headaches are new, as is the dialation thing, and the extreme light sensitivity.

And the N.O. called for a psych consult because yeah, so I did freak out a little bit. I said I'd rather be dead than blind, but that's the truth. I'm not suicidal, by any means, but my eyes mean everything to me. I could handle losing a breast or a leg, or my hearing... anything but my eyes (or mental faculties I guess).

It's been so difficult for me to depend on others for nearly everything this past year, I cannot fathom what it would be like if I had to depend on someone else if I were blind. So I append my statement. If it would ever get to the point that I was having to face blindness, then yes... I sure would definitely need a psych consult. But the psych consult Dr. (thanks for that $400+ charge) said I didn't need a psych consult. She called me "delightful." Maybe she needs a psych consult. Heh... (no, she was adorable)

[aside] I'm sorry, but anyone who has gone through what I've dealt with in the past year would be a little well... pissy about things. When you are going along well in your recovery and then *poof* all of a sudden start having new side effects that start getting worse... well, you tend to kind of freak out. Or you hear words like "abnormal cells" or "anurysm" when discussing your eyes, well.... I think for all the cancer ass kicking I've done, I've been coping fairly well with all of this. I'm mending. I'm healing. And I'm dealing. I'm going to be fine. But just stop pissing me off. Mmmkay? [aside over]

I'm so glad Sis #1 loaned me her sunglasses. I wear those old man (sorry Dad) sunglasses that you wear after getting your eyes dialated at the docs. They don't fit right and hurt my nose. So when I walk around I wear the ones Sis loaned me. I can't see as well, but they are Gucci, so I look like a Rock Star. Well at least in my own mind I look like a rock star.

The morning headaches are like blinding and agonizing as if I were hit in the head with a baseball bat. And then after a while it simmers down to a low buzz pressure headache for the rest of the day. Swelling up behind my eyes and ears and in my temples.

I guess when you have all day headaches every day, you just get used to them. They don't understand how I can have every day headaches without taking anything for them, but one look at me on painkillers would answer that question. I'm a drooling fool. I'm worthless and I feel like I can't function. At least with the headaches, I can function somewhat. Coffee alieviates the morning agony, but nothing so far has gotten rid of the buzz headaches. Perhaps a massage. I have no idea.

Anyway, I am finishing up my breakfast and will soon be going on my walk. I wish I knew when I was getting sprung.

I can do this. Even if I'm running out of clean underwear.

Your assignment today is to take a few items out of your closet that you no longer wear. Try to do one or two every day. More if you are able. Then by the end of the week, donate them to a charity or to someone that needs them. Have a clothing swap party with your friends and then donate the leftovers.

Also, be a kid like that lovely boy this morning. Sing out loud. Sing badly. Don't care who hears you.

P.S. I said if you are ineligible to give blood, please convince someone who is able to do it for you. Moochas Grassyass.

P.S.S. Big shout out to Brenda D who is still kickin' it in San Fran. Keep on Uma'ing, will ya? Love you!

Posted by debutaunt at March 13, 2007 11:01 AM