debutaunt.com

So Much Grace

I'm going to talk about dying again.

Because I'm just fucking sick of it. And no, I'm not going to apologize for my language because, well, I just am fucking fucking fucking sick of it.

There is no word in the English language that can convey the anger I feel about cancer except fuck and all its variations. So if you don't like it, well I'm sorry for that, but it's my blog and using that word is the only way I can exactly say how I feel about this. So with that said...

A year ago, the word Grace meant so much to me. It was to be the name of a child I dreamed of adopting with someone I loved enormously. It was our secret. I mean really way bigtime secret. I don't think I ever even spoke of it much less wrote about it to anyone except for him.

It was a dream. And just the word Grace would make me smile. It was a hope that we wished for and longed for. It was special to me because it meant a future. Life after cancer, and that I could and would get through this. That one day I could feel "normal" again. That I actually was going to *have* a future.

Brenda died today.

I know people say "she's at peace," and "she's in a better place," but I'm sorry, no one really is at peace with dying. Brenda most certainly didn't want to die. She was afraid. She was really scared. We talked about that often. Like a lot. But you put on a brave face for everyone else, for your loved ones, your children, your medical team. You have to. You feel obligated to fight and be strong and be brave. "She died from a long battle with cancer..."He was strong up until the end..."

You put on a brave face for yourself. And you psych yourself up like an athlete. I AM CANCER WARRIOR. While basically you are still scared shitless. Anyone who has/had cancer knows this. At least once (most likely more) you know death intimately. And even year(s) later, you still live with its shadow. Yes, everyone will die someday. But with cancer, you feel like you have a target on your back and you are being hunted down. You can dodge and jive, but you just pray and hope and wince that you don't get pegged again.

I'm sure Brenda came to terms with the fact that she was going to die. She didn't have a choice.

"At peace" makes everyone else feel comfortable. I will NEVER be at peace with dying. I want to live until I'm old and senile and just plain ready to get the hell off this earth.

And as for a "better place?" No. A better place would be Brenda. Healthy and living with her husband and two boys. Visiting me and drinking margaritas on the Riverwalk. Looking for the basement of the Alamo. Living the exuberant life she did. For a long long time. Yes, of course, anything is a better place than being in a hospital, struggling to breathe, swollen, sick, knowing that you will be dying soon. Your body completely betraying you. Knowing you will be gone and having no idea for sure when it will happen. That's a horrible place to be.

With cancer, you can cope or not cope. Either way, usually you have to go through treatment and you can deal with it or you can freak out. You don't make peace with anything. After a while, after you freak out from the initial shock of what is happening at that particular time, you just resolve that "it is what it is." It's not peace. It's more of a truce. Or a concession.

I'm not at peace with the fact that I will never look like Heidi Klum. But I deal with that. Because "it is what it is." And no amount of plastic surgery, exercise, or dieting will ever make me look like the Auf Queen of Project Runway.

The only "better" about Brenda dying is that she will no longer have to literally be drowning from lack of lung capacity. I believe there is a Heaven. And I know Ms. B is there. So for *my* own peace of mind, I imagine her running around. I picture here in her Team in Training gear. I'm sure she is probably introducing herself to everyone as she is quite the social butterfly.

I'm not at peace with Brenda dying. I'm frustrated and sad and angry.

But you know why God made me so stubborn? Because I'm not done literally shouting from this space about how much cancer fucking sucks and how it should be smitten from the Earth. This is not about me. Don't feel sorry for me or sad for ME. I knew Brenda from the internets. I knew her well, but I had never even met her. She was my secret sister. She was my solid. And she is and will always be my purpose. As will Sarah and Nikki, and Clem, and Paula and Ashley, and Kadin and Joseph and Nick and Uncle Roy and all the others that I have grown to know and love and cherish. All the others that WE have lost.

Fuck you, cancer. You may take me one day, but I will fight like a motherfucker to beat you down like that cowardly fuck you are.

I'm sad, but I am driven. And I know Brenda wouldn't want me to be sad. She'd want me to keep fighting so her struggle and pain and fear and her family's sacrifice wasn't in vain. Her illness and now her death only strengthens our resolve. She has inspired many people to continue her legacy to find a cure. To kick cancer's ass.

Brenda sent me an angel today. I got an email from Allison Sattinger. She sent me one before, but my spam-grabber nabbed it I guess. It was so kind and came right when I was crying really hard. When I first found out about Brenda, Zoe was right here. So I had to keep what little composure I could resurrect. So when Zoe fell asleep, and I started writing and internetting, I just really cried. A lot.

Allison is a lurker *hiya,* but literally has the voice of an angel. She told me I should listen to her tune, "So Much Grace." So I did. About 14 times. And it is complicated and lovely. I am now a fan for life, but that song made me feel that Brenda was reading as I was writing. Telling me what to say. And to tell me and everyone else that it will be ok. That we can do this. She was always so positive about going through this together.

And I still am crying, but I will be ok. For I am The Debutaunt. I am mother of the magical Zoe, the bird talker. I am Debster, Debuma, the Queen of the Universe and the Queen of Delft. I am a survivor. And I am a warrior. I have no choice.

I can do this. I feel you, Brenda. You and Sarah and Nikki are the trifecta of awesome. I love you.

No assignment today. Just speak.

If you would like a link on www.teamzoe.net, just let me know. I've added a section for my Team in Training lovlies. Zoe is amazingly at over $650 now. And we are barely getting started. I even started working on a dorky myspace page. "Friend me - wheeee!!!" But it's a great way to communicate and link to others and spread the word. If it helps us raise $10, I'll be thrilled.

P.S. I love you Dad.

Posted by debutaunt at April 15, 2007 03:02 AM