I want to meet Lance Armstrong.
I'm watching Living With Cancer with Ted Koppel and Lance. I want to BE him. I have his attitude. I never thought I'd say that cancer made me a better person, but it has in a way. It has clarified my life and my priorities. He says his life is about:
My kids
My purpose
My professional side
Myself
Some people say, get over it. It's in your past. But even if you are in remission, you never know if it will come back. Not even Lance knows that for sure.
When Lance was diagnosed, he never stopped planning for a future. For kids he wanted. For a wife. For a professional life. For life.
I feel that way. I sometimes wish I didn't need to rest. I wish I didn't need sleep. I feel like there is so much I want to do. So much I need to do. But I don't feel like I have the army of people that he does. I have support, but sometimes I feel like I'm taking on the world. I think I need a working vacation/retreat - to focus on things and be in solitude.
Team Zoe isn't moving as fast as I'd like. I feel like I've taken on so much and I don't know why I have such ambition and passion about it. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I often think, "am I going to be around to see it through?" I wonder if my cancer will come back. I wonder if in the back of my head that my strength is really a ruse, and that I'm fooling myself. I have this awful feeling sometimes that I am not cancer free. That I will get a secondary cancer or that I will relapse.
I find myself missing Brenda. I feel awfully alone sometimes. I met with a lovely blog reader, Collins and her daughter Damien. It was so very cool to meet up with someone that just got it. Brenda always did. Brenda spoke my language.
I'm done for today.
I can do this. I haven't met Uma or Lance yet, so I will stay on target.
Your assignment is to say hi. Or ask me some questions. Give me something to write about. I think I'm in a writing funk.
Posted by debutaunt at May 6, 2007 07:23 PMJust de-lurking to say "hi". Don't stop. I look forward to reading about your progress and Zoey is one beautiful little girl.....I'm a former (if that's possible) Texan. I miss it! Sandy
Posted by: Sandy at May 6, 2007 08:22 PMWe all get in a funk every now and then. You've done so much and are so passionate about everything you do, it's normal to have a let down every now and then.
Just remember, you rock! I know you've probably already seen this, but just in case you haven't, I think this is so true:
What cancer cannot do
Cancer is so limited.
it cannot cripple love
it cannot shatter hope
it cannot corrode faith
it cannot eat away peace
it cannot destroy confidence
it cannot kill friendship
it cannot shut out memories
it cannot silence courage
it cannot invade the soul
it cannot reduce eternal life
it cannot quench the spirit
Author: -unknown-
Posted by: Kay at May 6, 2007 10:38 PMHowdy. Lance's story is pretty impressive. But one day when you're on Oprah discussing your book which is her selection for the Oprah's Book Club with Lance Armstrong (who wrote the forward to your book) and Dave Letterman, who happens to be in Chicago taping "The Late Show" that week comes out to reprise his Uma-Oprah bit from the Oscars by adding in Deborah pronounced in a non-standard way for comic effect. (That Dave is so crazy.) And to close the show, Paul Schaffer backs up Jennifer Hudson with a song for you...a cover of the old Weathergirls hit, "It's Raining Men" that Schaffer wrote. Well, that'll be impressive, too.
Be well, Deb.
Posted by: Patrick at May 7, 2007 08:16 AMI like that Patrick "fellow". I think he hit
the jackpot with his statement. I sure hope you
do not get Zoe's cold. UGH.
I have a question-what are you doing on Mother's Day?
Posted by: Claire at May 7, 2007 07:17 PMNo, this is something that you will NEVER "get over". You are a changed person. But it is for the better. You know your priorities. You know how short life can be. You are fighting for others now. How incredible is that?
Life before just existed, now you see the beauty in life. You can FEEL God's blessings. Why would you even want to get over it?
You are doing everything right Deb. Sure life is moving a bit slower than you would like, but you are still healing. You are one of the strongest people I know, and you are doing GREAT things in this world.
Posted by: Sandr at May 8, 2007 03:23 PM