Yesterday I volunteered at the local chapter of the Leukemia Society to make calls to ask for in-kind donations of food for the walkathon. I felt like an alien.
I was surrounded by adorable little girls who wore sweater sets, skirts, heels or suits. Corporate attire. I was in my yoga pants, my Livestrong tee, and my running shoes.
And the dreaded ball cap.
I feel so out of place there. As I do when I am with the school moms, the soccer moms, or just any group of women in general. My clothes fit me oddly. My hair is just still so Lyle Lovett-like, and I can't wear any kind of shoe other than one built for comfort and speed. Meerkat used to call my shoes "instant birth control."
There's just nothing sexy or girl-like about me. And while that's not the be-all and the end-all of life, well, I like to feel like a girl. I'm secretly a super girly-girl. If I could, I would dress like Elle in Legally Blonde. I love clothes. Cute ones. And fantastic shoes. And lovely, delicate fabrics. And accessories.
And I wondered to myself, how on earth am I going to go back to work someday? How am I going to fit in at the very places I want to and/or need to? I haven't worn a skirt in ages. I can't wear a ball cap (and other kinds of hats on me just look beyond dorky or are too hot) and there are no sneaks with a skirt. And heels or dress shoes, no matter how practical, just won't cut it.
Because every step is painful. Even in sneakers, it's uncomfortable; like walking on your feet when they are asleep. Tingly and achy. (it's called neuropathy and is caused by the chemo/radiation and maybe my diabetes)
Oh, it's not enough to be really awful. And the drugs I've taken for it have worse side effects than the neuropathy. After a while, I don't seem to notice it, but sometimes, at the very end of the day when I'm finally going to bed and putting my feet up, it hits me. Burning. Aching. And yet another reminder that I'm not me anymore.
I still miss my hair. I know I'm lucky to have what I have. But it still is annoying to me. Mom, always practical, says "oh, some people would kill to have the hair you have." Just like when I'd complain that my feet are too big or wide or that my legs weren't as pretty as my three sisters. She'd always say, "well at least they work." It was obviously true *rolls eyes,* but wasn't much comfort to a teenager, just as the hair comment doesn't quite cut it for me. It reminds me of when I was bald and people used to say, "well at least you have a nice shaped head." Uh. Thanks. Yay!
I know I should be grateful, but I'm sad about it. I don't accept this hair. I can't stand to look at it even when it is "fixed up." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say... oh, that looks sort of cute. But I'm tired of looking like a boy. Short hair is cute on a little pixie girl. It's cute when you cut it like that ON PURPOSE. And it wasn't so bad when it was shorter. But when you are an amazon like me, well I just look like I picked a really horrible hairdresser to cut my hair. And most people that never saw it pre-C don't think it is all that bad. So for now I ignore and neglect it. Wake up. Ball cap. Go. Go fUgly.
I've always been kind of out of place as I really am quite the amazon. Not skinny. Not quite obese. But I'm too big. And I need to work out again to firm it all up a bit. But even then I'm still a giant. I'm almost 5'10 and I wear a size 9 ring and size 11 - 11W shoes. My foot grew when I was pregnant with Zoe and it never went back to that size - and even then it was a size 10. I'm ginourmous.
Oh, I know, I should get all Oprah-like and be accepting of who I am. And for the most part, I guess I'm cool with it. But I like feeling like a woman. Not some kind of freak show. And that's how I feel now.
I don't feel like I'm depressed. More sad than depressed. I bet I'd feel better if I went back to the gym. And maybe if I actually got more than 10 minutes to get dressed to go somewhere it might feel different. But even then I still feel like a boy.
I don't know why I'm writing any of this. I should feel "greatful to be alive." I'm "lucky." I'm a "survivor, a fighter, a warrior." I "kicked cancer's ass." I have "done things others couldn't do." I'm "inspiring." But I just want to feel feminine for a change.
I'm tired of being a warrior. I'm tired of being the cancer girl. I just want to be a girl. And go on a date. And wear something that makes me look pretty instead of fierce or ready to go or comfortable.
I talked to my friend Richard who is in Baghdad. I adore him. He's been in the army nearly 19 years. Been in combat many times in different wars. Right now he has a really horrible job in Iraq doing patrols. They have seen some really ungodly things there. And he told me that when he gets out, he wants to come home and not ever think about that hellhole again. That he wants to do normal things. But none of my military friends think they can come back after Iraq and just do some day job. To work in an office and wear a suit. And pretend that everything is normal.
That's how I feel. I want to shed my skin and just be me again. And I know that is nearly impossible. I'm not Lance Armstrong. Cancer did not make me the person I am today. It did not make my life better. It has just changed the way I deal with life. It feels like a burden. I sometimes wish I could just run away from it. I want to feel free again. Just to be me. Zoe's mom. Aunt Debby. An employee. A writer, and one who does not always have to write about this damn disease. I want to be someone's girlfriend. Someone's favorite girl.
I'm tired of being a warrior. I just want to wear some clothes that don't make me feel like a freak. My high heels and pretty shoes are gathering dust on my shelf. I don't want "me" to start gathering dust too.
Maybe I'll just tie a big pink bow around my noggin' and say, see... I can wrap my disease up in a cute little bow and it will take away all the horror I have been through. All the terrible things I have seen. It will make me a cute little pink member of society so that I can wear heels and a cashmere sweater set and (oh yuck) pantyhose again. Maybe if they could make those little bows take away your memory, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, everything would feel better. Will feel normal. Will take this feeling of lonliness away. Will make me feel like a girl again.
I don't think any amount of pink or pink accessories or pink bows can do it.
I miss Brenda. She would know what to say right now.
I can do this. At least I ... have hair, have my bird-talker, am alive, have my brain (somewhat) intact, can walk, am here.
Your assignment for today is to do something nice for yourself. Fix your hair or do/get a manicure. Wear some new makeup. Eat something healthy. Buy some flowers. Write a love note. Read a book. Adopt my friend C's deal where she strives to do six things for herself every day. Usually she gets to at least three. Exercise. Meditate and use moisturizer. I'm going to make my six thing list today.
too tired to proof or edit. My apologies. Woke up and now I m going to get a little more sleep.
Posted by debutaunt at May 17, 2007 04:39 AMHi - longtime reader... I hear what you are saying. You write so well... why not channel your talent, take all the honest, from the heart points you just made and put together a piece for the My Turn column in Newsweek, then Guideposts, then a bunch of women's mags, then a book. You have what it takes... funnel your strengths into a job you'll love; not just one that brings in a paycheck. Write from home - you can wear sneaks and be there for Zoe - no long commute and traffic jams. Become Anna Quindlen, dammit.
Posted by: Ann at May 17, 2007 06:30 AMI have absolutely nothing helpful to say. Just know I'm thinking about you. {{{{{Deb}}}}}
Posted by: Traci at May 17, 2007 11:30 AMWhat happened to your fabulous dangly earrings? There is nothing more girly than a great accessory. AND I would highly recommend a dress and some dr. scholl's sandals. Dresses can be super comfy, are uber-feminine, and if it's black, you can dress it up or down to your hearts content. Either that or go buy yourself some pink sweatpants! You are a wonderful WOMAN.
Posted by: blondiebimbo at May 17, 2007 11:51 AMDeb,
Girls come in all shapes and sizes, cute ones, pink ones, big ones, well dressed ones, and ones who wear comfy clothes. You are very girly (in your own way) and pretty cool. Some day you will look more like the person who you think you should look like. Until that day comes, no one really cares because everyone who knows you - loves as you are. You really kick a$$.
XOXO,
Posted by: sis #2 at May 17, 2007 02:34 PMI understand your feelings and how you just want things back to "normal". Like you said, it's one thing if you chose it-but it's entirely different if it's forced on you. And if you are a "girly-girl", right now is probably not the time you are going to be feeling it. But...there is always the but...you will get it back. Your hair will grow, as your body stabilizes you will be able to buy new clothes, and you will end up with the right job for you. Then your hair will be all long and in your face and you'll be in dire need of a haircut and you'll think back to when it used to be so easy...just put on a cap and go! lol! Yeah, cancer fucking sucks! And it does change you-your body, your outlook on life, everything. So like Oprah says, you gotta get used to the "new" normal.
I know you've never seen me, but, I never fit in with who I always end up around either. You know the "Stepford Moms", the "Perfect Moms" who always have their nails done and their makeup on and their hair all totally perfect? That never has been nor ever will be me! My nails look like shit, I color my own hair which right now has about an inch worth of grey roots, I wear whatever is comfortable for the day because I'm dressing for me, not somebody else, and I rarely wear make-up.
We'd look just fine together!
Except, if I were you, I'd totally be taking advantage of the hair situation...spiking it all up, making it different colors-purple one day, blue or red the next, but that's just how I am...I like for the "other mommies" that I am still Lauri...not just Allison, Ethan or Claire's mom. Or Steven's wife. It's definitely still me in there. And we're gonna find you!
Posted by: Lauri at May 17, 2007 02:58 PMHave you thought about getting hair extensions? Most celebrities wear them and apparenty they look good & very real when done by a professional.
Posted by: Martha at May 17, 2007 03:39 PMOh Darling, there are shoes out there for you! I just bought these ones http://www.planetshoes.com/Shop/Control/Product/fp/vpid/3074658/vpcsid/0/SFV/29538/order/asc/order_by/title/lastcat/92044 and I love them. I have pizza feet all the time too and they are adorable AND comfortable. Also, expensive however. But Crocs have some cute ones too! Not the big clog style, but soft, comfy ballet style ones... http://www.planetshoes.com/Shop/Control/Product/fp/vpid/3074658/vpcsid/0/SFV/29538/order/asc/order_by/title/lastcat/92044
Posted by: Lola at May 17, 2007 04:46 PMMore girlie huh? You know what helps me, new undies! You can do that in sneakers and yoga pants :-)
And I am with Lauri, take advantage of the hair - cool colors and spiking and that kind of thing. Do it while you can, all too soon you are going to be like the LLS girls and have a dresscode ;-)
Posted by: Missy at May 17, 2007 06:49 PMBut only you are Queen of the Universe.
Posted by: Claire at May 17, 2007 08:55 PMHave you tried something to make your hair grow a little faster? What's that stuff bald guys use? I don't remember the name but when my Boyfriend tried it years ago he said it made the rest of his hair grow fast.
Or I used this conditioner because eczema flared up in my scalp and my hair dresser recommended it. I think it's Biolage? Anyway, it healed the eczema but it also made me visit the hair dresser often because it made my hair grow fast. She said it did that too. Damn...what's the name of that stuff? I'll check on the name and email you the right name. It was great stuff.
Posted by: Shell at May 17, 2007 10:06 PMHey Deb....I know what you mean. I keep cutting what little hair I have so it looks cute short. Only we can understand that. Feeling girly, yeah I remember that feeling. But you know what, we will be there again. Will we be normal again..that I don't know. We are special! So if we look a little different to heck with everyone. We work with what we have and make it look good. I am so glad that Brenda lead me to your blog....you have helped me in a lot ways. Thank you!!!
Hugs and Love
Paula
I'm un-lurking just to offer a suggestion that I hope might help. Instead of the dreaded baseball cap have you considered wearing a bandana or a scarf over your not yet ready for prime time hair? Maybe that's not your style but I've always found that look attractive.
Posted by: Bill at May 19, 2007 12:02 AMI heart you.
Posted by: Rachel at May 19, 2007 01:18 AMYou deserve good things. You are entitled to your share of happiness. Refuse to beat yourself up. You are an attractive person. You are fun to be with.
You'll write a terrific blog today! And you are gonna help people! Because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and, doggonit, people like you!
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful and fat.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It could be worse, you could be me. And that would be a bad thing because my life is so hard being under the scrutiny of the public eye. If I even think of wearing a ballcap, I'm immediately put on the top 10 worse dress list. Consider yourself lucky that no one wants to look at you.
Posted by: Tyra Banks at May 19, 2007 03:17 PM"Should feel grateful?" Baloney. You're grieving, my dear friend. Grieving all the losses that disease drags with it. Loss of your profession. Loss of your self image. Loss of your familiar appearance. Your trust in your body. Your confidence in the future. The "immunity" we all think we have. The commonality we share with others. Energy. Mental acuity.
Forget the "shoulds," Deb. You're exactly where you need to be. Because these losses are real and we have to go through this grief. A saying: We can bury our feelings, but we bury them alive. Someday they'll claw their way out. Don't distract yourself from the process; go ahead and grieve. The mourning won't last forever. We're not wallow-ers. At some point we accommodate these changes and go along just fine for awhile. Then feel sad again, then grieve and accommodate again. There's no shortcut.
There's just playing the hand that was dealt us. And you CAN do this.
Love you,
Collins
Deb,
Big prayers your way. New Orleans is awesome I have spent tons of time there as my mom was from there and her family lived(well until a big storm visited) right outside. I may have something for you to go to(if you can) in San Angelo but I cant remember if you live there or are nearby..email me.
Holy shit. Tyra Banks reads your blog! OMG!!!!
((((HUGS))))
Posted by: kami at May 21, 2007 08:56 AMI hope you had a great weekend.
Posted by: Claire at May 21, 2007 09:24 AMAmazon? I've always thought that was shorthand for "Amazing Woman"!! If you're an Amazon, there'll be a crowd of us behind you to cheer you on in being the Queen of Delft, Queen of the Universe, best Amazon on the battle front!
From Brenda2 to you, you are one seriously strong woman and need to be larger than life, larger than some silly-ass errant cells and larger than any obstacle that tries to grieve your heart and mind.
From someone whose name means "Brand or sword", you have a kickass meaning behind "Deb": BEE. And I know you're probably well aware that bees are pretty incredible creatures, some varieties fly despite all the physics being all wrong...
You'll get your physical, mental, emotional self back - I'm convinced that the frustration is part of the drive that will ensure that you arrive at your goals. And, you'll not only be beautiful but you'll know your strength and your passion and you'll be unafraid to tackle the things that demand your attention.
Be well, girl. And be kind to yourself like you are to others.
Posted by: Bren/Cody'sMom at May 21, 2007 02:56 PMAmazon? I've always thought that was shorthand for "Amazing Woman"!! If you're an Amazon, there'll be a crowd of us behind you to cheer you on in being the Queen of Delft, Queen of the Universe, best Amazon on the battle front!
From Brenda2 to you, you are one seriously strong woman and need to be larger than life, larger than some silly-ass errant cells and larger than any obstacle that tries to grieve your heart and mind.
From someone whose name means "Brand or sword", you have a kickass meaning behind "Deb": BEE. And I know you're probably well aware that bees are pretty incredible creatures, some varieties fly despite all the physics being all wrong...
You'll get your physical, mental, emotional self back - I'm convinced that the frustration is part of the drive that will ensure that you arrive at your goals. And, you'll not only be beautiful but you'll know your strength and your passion and you'll be unafraid to tackle the things that demand your attention.
Be well, girl. And be kind to yourself like you are to others.
Posted by: Bren/Cody'sMom at May 21, 2007 02:57 PMOn my list today was to say a prayer for "the Queen of the Universe". I can cross that off my list.
Posted by: Claire at May 21, 2007 09:35 PMWow. I have never heard of that 6 Things for Yourself List. What a great idea. Wonderful. Please thank C for telling you so that you could tell all of us. Today is my birthday so I am going to start today. It's already almost 5pm so I have a lot of things to do in a few hours! LOL.
On another note, I think you sound very strong and very brave. In the face of uncertainty, I know there has to be frustration and anger mixed with fear and nervousness and it sounds like you are handling all of these emotions with grace and the knowledge that you need to take it all one step at a time. That is amazing and very admirable and I thank you for sharing it all with us.
Posted by: Sarah at May 22, 2007 06:51 PMDeb, I happened upon a site that addresses some of the challenges you've described in getting your groove back, www.healtoday.com is an online presence for the magazine of the same name. This month they have the "Return to 'Normal' Rodeo" article ( http://www.healtoday.com/current_issue/spirit/rodeo/index.php ) and the "Beauty After the Beast" article ( http://www.healtoday.com/current_issue/body/beauty/index.php ) which may look at some of the issues with some insight or humor.
Posted by: Bren / Cody'sMom at May 24, 2007 05:03 PMI think you're purty as all get-out!
Seriously, you're beautiful. And I know you know that but I'm telling you anyway!
Posted by: Michelle at May 29, 2007 02:48 PM