debutaunt.com

High There

Have you ever been in so much pain it work you up?

I have. Often. And especially this morning.

Why is it when this happens to me I am not in Houston so I can go see my peoples at MD Anderson? I dread even finding out the cause because it means another gazillion tests and waiting and feeling like a big hypochondriac only to find out it's one of your meds. Every headache is a brain tumor. Or just that you slept funny on a bad pillow.

So now I'm going to go get some yogurt because I just took a Darvon (which I almost never do anymore.. it's been a long time since I took pain meds) and am getting so high but want to go back to sleep to see if this pain will subside so I can live today.

Since I'm high, I'm going to blather.

I'm feeling very homeless lately. You know that feeling you get when you go on vacation and you have a really fantastic time and then you come home and are like, "ahhhhhh..... I'm home. My own bed. My own sheets. The sounds and smell of your own house.

Well I don't have that anymore. it's a series of packing and unpacking. Trying to make things fit in a space that isn't yours. Trying to be a good house guest and not annoy people or have them burr at the clutter that is now part of their home. The invader of their space. I want my things back. I want a closet that is mine that is big and where all of my clothes fit. I hate it when I'm wanting to go somewhere and I think, "Dang. I wish I had that bracelet, but it's in San Antonio or a shirt that is packed in storage." I already feel like I bring my world with me, but I'm a girl. We like to have JUST the right pair of shoes at the right time. But gosh, I sure hate hauling all this stuff around.

[aside]
Don't get me wrong. I am having a wicked fun time and absolutely love seeing my family. Even if we weren't related, I would want to be friends with them because they are so cool and fun. I'm lucky that all of us live in Texas so it's basically a tank of gas or two to get me to them. And they don't *make* me feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. They actually go way out of their way to let me know that they are glad I'm here. And by here, I think it has a double meaning of ... "Shit, Deb, we are just so damn glad you didn't die." Besides, I try really extra hard to be not just a good houseguest, but one that has some value added - like doing some cleaning or babysitting. It's honestly the least I can do for the people that helped me kick cancer's ass.

Someone play the lottery for me because I can't seem to remember what it is like to have my own space and my belongings. I feel like I will never have that again. I applied for a credit card at a clothing store the other day so I could get a discount on my purchase. Sis #1 said that was bad because it lowers your credit score every time you apply for a card.

And it was weird, but I was like... and? My credit is already so fucked that I didn't really care. I have no job. I can't imagine working again. I can't imagine living long enough to even need a good credit score - you know for things like buying a house or purchasing a car. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I have no idea what kind of future I will have. Because for some reason I can't even picture it.

Sis just blankly looked at me and said that it will happen. Same way as my mom once looked at me one time and said, "when you get married again...." Like without thinking twice about it. As if it were a given.

I don't know why, but I don't feel like anything is a given anymore. I feel like I did when I was being treated... "Ok, so what do I have to do today? What is on the schedule for today?" I can't even see past today. I don't see a house or a husband or even a boyfriend for that matter. Um... How can you date when you don't have your own space? What? Do like I did with jerk-face Elvis? Hang out at my PARENTS house all the time? It's worse than high school.

I see Zoe's future. She's got the world right there. I just hope I live long enough to encourage and support and love her so that she sees how bright her future is. I hope that if I die, my family and friends will carry on that mission (and not her dad.. God love him, but he's not the type to see what I see) My beautiful, smart, funny little bird-talker can do anything.

But it's so creepy to not see your own future. To not have any idea how to make it happen. Or even really the desire to do so. I know I could work and go back to what I was doing. Supporting myself. Making a wage. But it is such a mundane existence. To work for "The Man" and to barely ever see my child. I love her so much, but I didn't love being a single mom. A single working mom.

That's been one of the greatest things about getting cancer. How fucking sad is that? That now that I'm unable to work, I can actually do the kind of things I wanted to do before - you know, the soccer mom things. I always wished I could have been a stay home mom.

But as they say, be careful what you wish for. I guess I never figured that cancer would make my stay at home mom thing happen. My scenario didn't quite go like this. It was more of a Susie Homemaker one... the house, the husband, the dog, the minivan. I wanted summer vacations traveling across America. Taking my daughter to gorgeous beaches in California, seeing Disney or Legoland or the Grand Canyon.

Not quite what I got, now is it? Mooching off of family to shack up for a week here or there. Saying a quick hello to Zoe on the phone. (man, she's having a great time, so it lessens the whole missing her nutso) And not knowing what is in store for tomorrow, much less a future.

Does Darvon turn anyone else into a big fucking whiny baby? Cos it apparently does it to me.

Life isn't handed to you. It's hard work. It's responsibility. Gainful employment. Taxes. A J to the O to the B. I get it. I have done the work thing before. I wasn't always a slacktastic blogging goddess. I worked for my meager living. For many years. I sucked at it, but I did it. We all do it.

I get emails all the time from people with suggestions of how to do these awesome creative things. Write a book. Learn coding. Design websites. Become a motivational speaker. Find your passion. Sell realestateskincarevitamins x, y, z. I'm sure I could do any or all of those things.

But honestly, I get exhausted from just doing laundry sometimes. I have days where my body tells me... stay in bed or I will make you pay the price.

So how exactly does that happen post-cancer? How do you get up, make yer coffee, shower, dress and commute when all you want to do is hack your brain out of your skull because it hurts so bad?

I can't figure it out. So instead, I'm just going to go get some yogurt and go back to sleep. This is what I know is happening for today.

I can do this. Like I have a choice?

Your assignment today is to laugh. Life is so hard sometimes that basically all you can do is throw your hands up in the air and just laugh.

Oh. Also, do something daring.

I am not much of a pet person. We never had them growing up because we had a zilliondy kids and no one would do the clean poop thing. So anyway, I went with a friend to Bull Creek here in Austin. It's a natural little creek and it has this beautiful waterfall/swimming hole kind of thing. Lots of people bring their kids and/or dogs and they just hang out. Very Austin-ey.

Now I like the outdoors, but I hate the heat/sun/bugs/ and other funkaphenalia that makes up nature. I don't like to sweat or stink. And I am like Bren/Cody's Mom. I am either blanco or rojo. My skin does not know the meaning of tan. I probably would be outdoors all the time if I could take the sun and/or the heat, but I just can't. Fact.

So my friend has these two big gangly Golden Retrievers. And they are like nutso for tennis balls. So I was like... ok. fuck it. I'm going to go out and play. Sis #3 said she won't bring her dogs there because there are all kinds of doggie disease and funk there. But I wanted a little freedom.

Sunscreen - waterproof SPF 50
Ballcap
Lots of hydration
The ugliest crocs known to man given to me by BIL #1
Purell
Visa card
Sunglasses
Medical Insurance card
Medalert bracelet
cell phone
extra sunscreen for my lips

I was set to go. And damn it was fun. We mucked around for hours in that water. Walking on the rockbed covered in slimy slime. I picked tennis balls out of the water. Let one dog use me for a towel (he doesn't know how to shake off the water well enough so he will sneak a rub on you to dry off - or go to a strangers towel/picnic setup and dry off. Grabbed balls out of the dog's mouths with my BARE HAND. And generally laughed and splashed around the joint.

It was the most fun I've had in a long time. It actually made me think about getting Zoe a dog since I know she loves them so much. But then I was like.. nah... we can be like grandparents to our friend's dogs - that way we can give them back.

And if you know anything about me, you'll know that mucking around a bacteria-laden creek and touching slimy tennis balls and/or wet dogs is not my cup o'. But it was simply AWESOME!! When we got back into the truck, the dogs were worn out and tired. I even looked back and let the blond one smoosh his face up to mine. I think he may have even licked my cheek

So... do something daring. You never know, you just may have the time of our life! I know I did. It was so freeing. That must be what it's like to be a dog.

I double dog dare you.

Posted by debutaunt at July 9, 2007 07:26 AM