debutaunt.com

Debu_Unfortunate Conversations

P.S.First. If you donate blood and it makes you faint, bruise horribly, endanger your health, get nauseated, etc etc.... well I love you beyond words for trying. For thinking of me. I mean it. But I will not fault you, nor would anyone else, if you NEVER DID IT AGAIN. I will be satisfied if you just spread the word about Donating the Red once in a grand while. Make some other big lug with luscious veins donate for ya!

Debu_Mom:

"Why are you always laying in bed?"
"You should go work out about three times a week?"
"Well it could be a parasite? How do you know it's not a parasite?"
"The washer is empty."
"Zoe needs to eat her food before drinking her milk."
"Why do they send home so much paper from school?"
"Stay positive. That's what they want to hear."
"Tell Zoe to pick up her Barbies."
"I thought the idea was to take you OFF the medications, not add more."
"It looks like the Wreck of the Hesperus in here."
"What time is that tennis match on?"
"What is this crap you're watching?"
"How long are you going to have to take that drug?"
"It's his shoes. They are so clunky."
"Why are you sleeping all day?"
"What is a sixteen letter word for infinitely smaller that ends in the letter V and has no vowels and describes that actor on Hill Street Blues whose son is now on High School Musical 2....?"
"Dinner is ready."
"Well no wonder you are pooping so much. Stop drinking all that coffee."
"We are having hot dogs and Waldorf salad."
"Have they called you back yet?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I love my mom. Seriously. Like so much. I don't know anyone that doesn't love my mom. How could you not? All the kids (and the now spouses) all have an impersonation of my mom. Especially when she says noooooooooo. I remember when Sis #1 got some siblings together to do a spoof video of Mom doing Devo's "Whip It." I wish I knew where that video was. It makes me pee a little. Which right now is preferable to what I am enduring.

Debu: (to no one in particular)

"My ass. She is aflame."
"I am afraid of my toilet."
"Three squares of toilet paper is not sufficient."
"I think I may have single handedly filled our septic tank." (no. we don't have one. I am being a turd - get it, turd. Isn't dookie funny?)
"It doesn't matter what I eat or drink. Coffee. Bananas. Nothing. Water. My body is all processing it the same way. Fecal matter. Feces. Dookie. Mr. Handy, the Christmas Poo."
"Preparation H, Tucks, wipeys do not work on my roid. It has a zip code and is now learning Chinese."
"I am about to tell my doctor to eat me. This steroid tapering is not working."
"I love Jack Bauer. I want him to have my babies. All my 92302394390 Starbucks babies."
"Is it normal to wake up to poo three to twenty times a night."
"I am afraid of the Kashi."
"I am afraid of Raisin Bran."
"Fiber gives me a panic attack."
"If I needed a colonoscopy now, I think I would have to induce a coma first."
"I am laying down because if I sat up, I would bump my head on the ceiling this roid is so ginormous."
"Did I tell you, my ass, she is aflame?"
"Adult diapers are hott with two T's."
"No. I'm not yet at the adult diaper stage. But it's tempting. The crazy astronaut chick made them kind of cool."
"My stomach is percolating. How sexy is that?"
"Yes. It's curly now. No. It used to be wavy and kind of straight. Like Zoe's. Yes. I'm getting used to it. Oh, (I say nonchalantly, but really wanting to scream) It's just hair."
"I'm going to buy stock in Depends."
"I just grossed myownself out."
"That. Oh that was just my xyz bone/joint/tendon popping. No. They don't give you anything for that. You just start creaking and popping for no apparent reason. I know. I'm old."
"Did I tell you this steroid tapering is not working?"
"I wonder if they need a stool sample?"
"Ha ha. Very funny, Dad."
"I'll pay that medical bill when l pay that medical bill. You might just have to wait to collect on my life insurance to get paid. Happy now?"
"I started biting my nails again. Never a good sign."
"This stuff I put on my nails to make me stop biting them tastes like ass. And now, by this time, I think I know that taste."
"Yes. The bone marrow biopsy still hurts."
"Ya. I'm forty. No really. I am. I use sunscreen. And I made a pact with el diablo. And I eat dog food and drink bat's blood and Taco Cabana bean and cheese tacos."
"When do they start soccer practice? Only eight games? Great!"
"And then the sediment sampling is taken out of the riprock area... oh... damn. I have to ______" fill in the blank _____ drop off the kids at the pool, head to Mexico, lay down the law, have a conversation with the Pope.

Am I sick enough for you now? People should NOT HAVE DIARRHEA FOR TWO WEEKS. ESPECIALLY IF THESE PEOPLE ARE STILL FAT. IF I AM GOING TO CRAP TEN TIMES A DAY, I SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE RIBCAGE BONES AND COLLAR BONES STICKING OUT LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE. ALL I WANT TO DO IS LAY IN BED ALL DAY.

[aside]
This reminds me of a story that mom reminded me of today. When my nephew was little, he liked to watch all these brainy videos. Momo G was babysitting and he asked to watch, "FECAL POWER." Now the kid was known to take a man poo in his diaper, but this was a bit much. He got more and more agitated as he kept requesting "FECAL POWER. FECAL POWERRRRRR!!!!"

Momo called me. "Fecal Power?"

"Preschool Power, Mom. PRESCHOOL."

Ok. Me and my flaming asshole are going to try to get some sleep. It's after 4am and that school thing kind of gets in the way of my sleeping in. Where is the chauffeur when you need him? It would be nice not to want to leave the house like this to take Zoe to school.

P.S.S.Last. What a timely entry I stumbled upon. You mean people actually pay for this side effect? Just say NO!! Your bootie will thank ya!

Posted by debutaunt at August 24, 2007 03:46 AM