She comes to me in the wee hours of the night. When the thoughts are rampant and the sleep deprivation is high.
When memories take over my nights. And sadness creeps into my head. When I wish for sleep, but she is elusive. When meds rule my head and I crave a pill to make it go away. The tricks and triumphs don't work anymore.
"Mommy, I had a bad dream. I tried really hard to wake up, but I couldn't wake myself up and it got scary." She says this to me at 3:20am while I'm wide awake and she is nearly asleep.
Tucked back in. Kisses and quiet soothing. But she's restless. She can tell.
So the thoughts return. The thoughts of my friends. My struggles. My life before cancer. The day to day nonsense we all go through while pretending to be responsible adults. I feel tired of this life at times. Telling my story. Writing it. Thinking about it. I'm tired of looking at my hair. Dealing with it. The bruises and the shots and the pills and all of it.
I'm surrounded by people who don't know me. The me before I got sick. I love it here and I hate it here. I used to be really funny. I told funny stories and thought funny thoughts. I used to read funny blogs and comment with witty comments. I feel so morose.
I try to meet people, but they all want something I don't know I can give. They want the old me. The funny me. The one who isn't self-depreciating and morose. So I rebuff them. Like they are beating down the door or something. Like I'm some kind of prize or supermodel that *I* can be saying, "no."
All I want to do is watch TV and movies. To snug up with little Z and daydream about freedom. Daydream about the day I can turn all this noise off. To shut up my frenemy. To tell her to go to hell. That this is my new life. And I am grateful so she needs to shut her fucking mouth.
I can do this. As long as I can turn that damn bitch off once in a while.
I feel like America Ferrera in Ugly Betty except when the filming is over, she turns back into her beautiful self. I'm stuck with me.
It's time to re-up those meds.
Posted by debutaunt at September 10, 2007 03:45 AM