Zoe kicked butt in soccer today. Sis #3 and Bro #3 and Zoe's cousin got to see her play. It was hot as Hades, but the kids all were pretty awesome. I'm so glad they only practice once a week and one game a week. I couldn't stand to be outside much longer. She is so cute. I'm so proud of her.
I sang her to sleep tonight. She's the only person I will sing to. We watched a little tv tonight together and she had me rub her back. I miss simple stuff like that. I miss not worrying about stuff like meds, insurance, how I feel, doctors appointments... It was an easier life then, but it still was hard. Just in a different kind of way.
I still feel gross. I'm running low on a bunch of my meds and one of my co-pays is going to be $90. The financial aid folk at MD Anderson said they never got my fax of a form and my disability awards letter. I even spent $8 sending it and got a confirmation. I also got a letter from my Cobra administrators and they said that there is a chance my premium payment could be raised 150%. Yay for insurance. I just want to climb a mountain, stop taking my meds, and become a nomad. Dealing with all of this crap is so annoying and frustrating to me. If they got my financial aid right, I would be spending $5 for copays on all my meds. As it is, Dad picked up one for me today and it was like $46.
I have a doctor's appointment again tomorrow. This makes four Mondays in a row. Still no clue. I called to get the test results and someone said they'd call me back. They never did. This makes me a little worried as usually they just tell you right away on the phone if it's not a big deal. I had a thyroid test done and some other stomach stuff. Me no likey.
More than the stomach stuff, I feel about 800 years old. My muscles are sore in weird places - like I've done a bunch of pushups and situps. They are crampy when I wake up.
Wow, I just realized how much Whinese is in this post.
Dr. Egypt wants me to come see him in Houston in October. He's interviewing there for a fellowship position. Unfortunately, the interview is in the middle of the week and it's on a day I'm having a fundraiser at Taco Cabana. I haven't seen him in about 4 years. I really do miss him and his silly smile. I never felt like I was on some kind of interview when I was around him.
My fundraising is at a standstill. I have set up some fundraisers, but have invited no one yet. I had sent Zoe's Principal an email to see if I could send out information, but she never responded. Now, unfortunately, she has to leave to take care of a sick family member. That has got to be awful. I don't know anyone else really other than people from our church, and even then... well, they aren't even really interested. They are all so busy.
Anyway, no one is interested in walking. I'm tired of begging them to sign up, probably as much as people are tired of me asking them to sign up. I'm tired of asking for money. I swear this is probably going to be the last fundraising I do. I'll continue to volunteer for the LLS and the South Texas Blood & Tissue Center, but this fundraising is too humiliating. It's not important to anyone unless it really hits you in the home.
Can I just go to sleep and make all of this stop for a little while?
I feel kind of lonely tonight. Guess because I'm waiting on some new DVDs in the mail and there's nothing to do tonight.
I can do this. The Whinese is temporary.
No assignment. The blog is uninspired tonight.
Jeez, my writing is for crap lately. I'm needing some assignments.
Posted by debutaunt at September 30, 2007 10:30 PMDeb, I know you're feeling like crap and it's taking the zing out of you.
I have an assignment for you, if you need one. Take care of Deb, especially the heart and soul of her. There's an ember there that needs a bit of tending - like maybe a few days of pampering like polishing your toenails and reading a book that's interesting to you (that would be a biography or a gardening book, if it were me). You need to refill your wellspring of goodness lest it feel parched and all poured out.
Fundraising is so taxing and can be embarrassing even. I've been fundraising of and on for a couple of decades. For me, I can count on being burnt out and needing down time where it's not the only thing I'm concentrating on for periods of time. And that's in hyper-drive mode, not where there are legitimate reasons for needing down time, too. You can't give 100% all the time and not get your spirit filled back up as well as your health-o-meter - you'll peg the wrong end of the meter before long! ;)
Big 'ol hugs from NM.
Oh, and we got guinea pigs yesterday. What critter would you be if you were a critter? Guinea pigs would be fun because you can nip, tickle AND poop on people and they still like you. lol... (I know, I'm over tired..)
Bren
Posted by: Bren/Cody'sMom at September 30, 2007 11:41 PMDeb,
While you may feel like crap, at least you are alive to feel like crap. And to be with your daughter. My mother was taken way to early at the age of 52, she went in for the chemo before her BMT and developed complications. If you ask me the doctors ignored alot of signs, but that won't change anything now. All I'll say to everyone is be informed, ask alot of questions and be an advocate for yourself, no one else will do it for you. I questioned everything they did with my mother and pushed for test that I felt needed to be done, unfortunately it was too late she died 2 weeks later. Don't ever let a doctor make you feel like your stupid, if they can't answer your quesstion tell them to find out. Ok I will stop talking about things I can't change. Just enjoy life, while it may not be what you pictured, you have to make the best of it. As far as the fundraising, I have learned to be very pushy, we raised over $8000 for our walk we did on 9/29. I plan to raise $20000 for next year. I am having a beef and beer, and just pestering everyone all the time. I know how devasting this disease is and we need to find a cure, so no other grandkids have to lose their mom-mom's. ***Good luck today, you and your daughter are in our prayers.
I don't see this as Whinese and your blog is always
an inspiration.