I'm sick. I've had a low grade fever on and off for 2 days now.
My throat hurts, but I don't know if it is from the endoscopy or just a sore throat.
I'm tired of fundraising. It's not important to anyone unless it's important to anyone. No one wants to walk with us - except Zoe's dad who is going to fly down to see her. I'm so happy for her because she gets to see him, but she's sad that not one of her school friends from Houston or San Antonio has signed up to walk with us. I don't think I'm going to do this anymore. No one really cares unless it hits you right where it counts - your own home.
I sent an email to her principal, the one who left, and didn't even get a courtesy reply. I've asked several of the Brownie moms if they are interested. I even handed out postcards with information to lots of people, but only the ones who read my blog have donated or signed up to walk. Total strangers care more than people that actually know us.
I'm sick of seeing pink. Every commercial is for breast cancer awareness. Just buy this $2,000 diamond ring and we will throw in a pink sparkle breast cancer pin. And our company is donating $5000 to the Komen Foundation.... even though we just spent $20,000 on advertising. Ok. Not really, but youknowwhatImean.
Another family friend just got a dx of breast cancer and is going to have a mastectomy and maybe chemo. I hate cancer. I need a hobby.
I know I should try to stay positive about fundraising, but I feel like the crazy Aunt at the family reunion. I went to Zoe's school carnival last night and pretty much didn't talk to anyone. They all say hi, but no one says... oh hey, there's Deb, let me pull up a chair and / or hang out with her. It's because I fundraise. I'm always asking people for blood or money or signing up for this or that. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like people want to dodge me. I just want to be me again. Someone who is dorky and funny and actually gets phone calls to go do stuff. Now I'm just Zoe's mom, you know... the one who had cancer and now asks for money.
Fuck. I don't care if you donate or not. I just don't want my daughter to feel like I do. To feel like the unwelcome guest. To feel like she can't change the world. Seriously. NOT ONE FRIEND has signed up for her team. I have had to beg the ones who did (and they are my dear friends). She keeps asking me why her friends haven't signed up. Well I'm not going to ask anymore. If it is just she and her dad and my mom and I, that will have to be it. I'm alive. I'm going to fucking walk.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Posted by debutaunt at October 6, 2007 01:59 PMI'm so sorry this whole scene has come a callin' at your door. Dammit.
Fundraising is definitely a blood-sucking part of life and you've pegged the eventual outcome - you're labeled as someone to avoid.
And the really suck-butt thing about this whole thing from my distant view? You are good at telling the necessary details and letting people know why you're going the extra step beyond just getting yourself well.
I hope you feel better soon and then you'll find something that rekindles your joy and that fabulous fire that draws people to you for all the right reasons. {{{{{{Debuma}}}}}
Posted by: Bren/Cody'sMom at October 6, 2007 05:07 PMI hope you feel better soon. Take a long, long
break from the fundraising. I can only imagine how tired you are from everything.