Bone marrow biopsy results. Apparently they are in, but someone needs to phone me about them. I've been trying not to think about them much. Especially since I have had several dreams about relapse and dying. A few nights ago, I was up for about 2 hours at 4am thinking about how my will is not completed. There were a few minor changes, but we had never finalized it.
I think it was because Zoe was talking about what would happen to her if I died. I don't know why that came up, but she was under the impression that she would move to her fathers. Now I know that man loves her more than life itself, but if I die, Z will be living in Houston with my Sis #1. She will spend the summers with her dad like she does now, but Sis #1 would be her guardian. Also, this is really important to me because Sis #2 lives in Houston as well and Zoe has always been so close to my siblings - and especially close with her Houston cousins.
Her dad lives in a small town in upstate New York. It's a fun place for her to visit, and I like her dad's new wife, but I will never get the memory out of my head of all the young 13 and 14 year old moms walking on the main street pushing their baby carriages. My young stepdaughter's friends flirting with her dad. It didn't seem as if many of the children there go to college or even dream of going to college. I don't know, I just have much higher aspirations for Zoe. I want her to have every option open to her. I don't want her to grow up to be some kind of hoochie. Or to think that drugs and smoking aren't a big deal.
Anyway, I've been considering going to a counselor to figure out what is going on in my head. Perhaps I just should get back to some serious blogging here. Lately it's just been "hi/bye." I really need to write it out and then I bet I'd sleep like a baby.
Other than that, I've been feeling pretty good. A little sore from the mom/kid soccer scrimmage (the Moms won! Woo).
Ok. Off to get Zoe from school. Missing you internets.
I can do this. I'm almost 2 years in remission.
Your assignment today is to head over to Big Pink Cookie and say "hi" to the awesome Christine. She's fixin to have some surgery and could use a good word. She was such a great friend to me when I was sick, and her mom made me the most adorable blanket that has a crown and says, "Queen of the Universe." Get well Christine!!! We love you!
Posted by debutaunt at November 14, 2007 02:20 PMYeah a post-UGH on the dreams-can't you call them for the report?
Love when you write a blog post.
Posted by: Claire at November 14, 2007 07:15 PMmy prayers are with you I pray that everything goes well and in probably march i will be going thru a gastric bypass im alittle nervouse being that I have had some major surgeries like an amputation and a cardiac double bypass also i went thru a foot reconstruction on my other foot and my son has had 56 surgeries so I do understand about fears cause my brother in law died from cancer and my sister had to raise their 2 kids on her own so I will say a prayer for you
Posted by: David Brown at November 14, 2007 09:48 PMMy doc says that no news is good news when it comes to test results. When there's bad news, they let you know sooner.
Glad you're feeling well!
Posted by: Sharkey at November 14, 2007 10:19 PMThanks for letting us in on what's shaking. You and Zoe and Christine are in my prayers. Bless you all.
Posted by: Patrick at November 15, 2007 08:34 AMHi Deb,
I'm currently waiting on the results of my yearly Breast MRI so I can definately relate. I don't anticipate a problem, but you never know... It's been a week though and like Sharkey says usually they call you pretty quickly if there's a problem. I'm crossing my fingers and my toes for you :-)!!
Posted by: Danielle at November 15, 2007 01:18 PM