debutaunt.com

I think my doctor is a psychic

I'm just really tired of my doctors havin' a guess at what is ailin' me.

Well it could be x.
Or it could be y.
Or even maybe z.
Or perhaps it's x, z and 1, 2, 3.
Most likely it's a side effect of your meds.

So I'm going to have you do this test that you felt you might need, (which is not related to the pain you're in) but other than that, I'm basically going to do nothing and you are just stuck having this terrible pain for the rest of your life. And you should be grateful that you even have a life.

[aside]
Yeah. I'm glad to be alive. I'm thrilled. I'm lucky. Most of all I'm blessed. But you know what? Why should I have to be grateful for it every millisecond of every day? It's like when you have a crappy job, but your boss makes you feel like you should just shut up because there were lay-offs and you are just LUCKY to have this job. You have to grovel and suck it up and be made to feel like you are stuck forever with this crappy job just because life is tough and it's hard to find a job... any job.

Well that's how I feel. I'm glad to be alive. I am. But if I have to be in this pain for the rest of my life, what good is being alive if you can't sleep from the pain and you can't walk or sit without pain? Should I just become a pain killer junkie? Take drugs for it 24/7?

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS CAUSING THE PAIN. SPECIFICS HERE PEOPLE!!

I don't want to guess-timate at what is wrong. Hell. I can do that myself.
[aside over]

Are there tests for these guesses?? Can we find out something for SURE? If it's the meds, can we actually *try* to change them or fix it? Yes, you talk about what you know and what you think it is, but if you don't do anything, I'm basically paying a freaking fortune for you to play doctor. DO SOMETHING!!!

This is kind of like when I got diagnosed in the first place. It basically went like this.

Me: I feel like crap. I feel like my immune system is basically saying 'fuck you' right now.

Doc: I think you're sick. Let's give you some antibiotics, do some bloodwork, and then see.

Me: But this doesn't feel like just your average infection. I'm really feeling superbad.

Doc: Well call in a few days if you aren't feeling better. Just take the antibiotics; I'm sure you will feel better in a day or two.

This was Wednesday. On Friday I went to the suburb ER, transferred over to MD Anderson when they found out I had leukemia, and 3 days later I was starting my chemo.

Monday. My Doc's office calls: Ms. Deb_u_sick, can you come back into our office? We just got your labs back.

Me: Lemme guess. My white count is crazy high. Because right now I'm at a cancer hospital and I'm fixin to start my chemo in an hour or two.

Doc's office: Ok. Ok. Well good luck with that.

I know doctors aren't perfect. But I'm really aggravated about this. This pain is unacceptable. It's making me whine. It's making me limp. I'm going nuts from not being able to sleep well. I'm sitting here and it's excruciating. On the pain scale, I'm at about an 8; 10 being childbirth. I'm the face on the smiley face scale that would be about a 4.5.

Yes, I'm glad to have a life. I'm glad to be alive. But I can't handle this pain and I don't want to live all numbed up with drugs. It's not my debu_style.

I can do this. Although today I am not so sure.

Remind me to tell you the story about my pool-hustlin, bird-talking Zoekat.

No assignment today. Just have a good day for a Monday!

Posted by debutaunt at January 14, 2008 06:26 AM