I've been sleeping for days. It's been way too hot here in Seattle. Yesterday was nice and cool so I did some straightening up. We are going to have a birthday party on the 19th for my b-day and for Tim's mom and best friend, Tim #2. (My birthday is the 22nd)
I am kind of in a funk. I'm not quite sure why. I've had a lot of pain lately and wonder if for some reason these stupid antidepressants are not working.
[backstory] My San Antonio doctor started me on Cymbalta because I was having terrible neuropathy in my feet (feels like your feet are asleep and it never goes away). The neuropathy was from the chemo I had and Cymbalta, an anti-depressant, is also used to combat neuropathy. Well it worked right away and I was happy about that, but after a few months I noticed some terrible side effects: sleeplessness, mania, paranoia, irritability, etc. I looked the side effects up online and realized that they were pretty significant. I didn't like them, so I told my doctor I was going to stop taking it. He never said no, so I stopped cold turkey. BIG mistake. I didn't sleep for several days and felt horrible and anxious. I nearly checked myself into the ER at 3am because I felt batshit crazy.
Well, the doctor's office was like... woah, that's bad. Don't ever stop cold turkey. So they prescribed lexipro. My insurance made me switch to cytalopram and told me it was a generic version - although later I found out it isn't. So I'm stuck on this stupid anti-depressant when I don't fucking need one, and it's starting to bug me. I hate anti-depressants. My psych doc (they make you see one with the transplant) told me I'm fine and that it's ok to be sad sometimes about what I've gone through. [end]
I feel pretty sad because if feels like my summer is over already. We've been pretty busy here in Seattle and have gone on some baseball roadtrips - Bremerton and Spokane. We also drove for a bit to Idaho and for about 10 minutes in Montana (since we were already so close). The games were fun and we spent a great time in a little town named Ritzville, WA for the 4th of July. I loved that day - so far it was my favorite. We watched fireworks in a gazebo in this little park and the weather was perfect. It just was like magic.
I'm trying to shake the funk, but I get the feeling I won't be coming back here. Tim is great, but his life has become a little overwhelming and isn't sure about the future, much less one with me. It's hard to write this, but it's even harder to feel this way.
I generally hate whinese, and Tim told me not to worry and to enjoy our time left, but this feels really awful. It feels like my heart just hurts. I adore him and love Seattle. I feel so at home here and so comfortable with him. But I understand his situation and don't want to add any additional pressure to what is going on in his life.
So two weeks from today, I will be leaving Seattle. Only the Lord knows if I will ever come back. I'm not a betting person, but my bets are all no.
I can do this. Sometimes I just don't want to and want to be allowed to fall apart a little is all.
No assignment.
Posted by debutaunt at July 11, 2008 05:34 PMI think you can and should fall apart some.
XO
Claire
Yes, falling apart is okay once in a while.
My mom has neuropathy in her feet, but her onco basically just shrugs her shoulders. I'll have to let her know there are some options.
Posted by: Sharkey at July 12, 2008 08:20 AMAnd you're wondering why you're feeling in a funk?!?? Well, Sweetie, there's you're answer at the end of your blog. Come home and enjoy the river with us. We'll make you feel better about Seattle, even if for just a little while. Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks.