debutaunt.com

Sure Thing

I swear that hell is a never ending cycle of paperwork.

High Risk Pool Insurance Application - 32 pages. Confusing. No wonder people hire attorneys to help with all of this stuff.

MD Anderson lost my financial aid application for the third year in a row. I even hand delivered it this year in June before I went to Seattle. Now I have to re-do it. It originally took me two weeks to fill it out.

My sweet mom delivered a request to the Social Security office to make an exception for me to have a special application period to apply for Medicaid. There were affidavits in there written by Sis #1 (an attorney, btw) She also wrote up a great case (as I was giving mis-information that lead to a mistake in my enrollment). Instead of keeping my Medicare card when I got it (Jan), I returned it because the SS office told me that it would be ok to reapply when my Cobra insurance runs out (October 10). Apparently that's not the case. I can apply on Jan 1 for it to be effective July 1st. So what's up with that if I get sick? No insurance?

I'm trying not to stress, but it's clearly making me feel ill. I can barely stay awake when I take my meds, how on early am I supposed to stay up and fill all this crap out? I mean I can fall right asleep after finishing a 4 shot Sixbucks Iced Latte.

I think this week, I'm going to make it my job to get all this crap done quickly. I'm feeling so lousy and now I have weekly doctor's appointments. Some times 2-3 a week. I'm going to have more referrals to immunologists and rhumatologists. I also need a new endocrinologist. But since I'm about to lose my insurance, it would be dumb to start with one doctor and then have to switch because of stupid medical issues.

I know I'm now officially depressed. I'm still taking the meds they gave me, but it's getting so overwhelming. I think it's the constant pain and frustration of dealing with all these doctors. I have an appt with a psych doc on the 25th, although in the past all she wants to ask about is my stupid love life - or lack thereof.

I have to say, I miss Tim fiercely. We rarely talk and when we do, it's just "cordial." He has just completely lost any kind of romantic feelings. I mean not just for me, but he says he can't even imagine having any kind of relationship with anyone. He's so stressed, that he can't even remember what that was like before. It just feels so awful to not have him love me anymore. He was the most romantic, awesome boyfriend. So thoughtful and sweet and funny. It breaks my heart to know that he has lost a big part of who he is. To know that he doesn't think about me as I do him. I can barely bring myself to talk to him. I have friends and family here, but it's just not the same. I feel really alone even though I know I'm not.

I think back about how much fun we had. And how I used to not have pain all the time. That I enjoyed going outside and doing things. I love Tim and I love Seattle. I felt hopeful there. Perhaps it is just the heat here in San Antonio. I think I get the kind of depression during the summer like those up North get during the winter. Except we've had hot weather since February and it will surely last until October or November.

I can do this. I just wish my life were different right now. I'm glad to be alive, but I wish I weren't as miserable. I can't ever remember feeling this ... well sad... before. To feel so lonely and isolated. I can't even walk 12 feet without losing my breath. I can't bend over to pick stuff off the ground. I can barely sit up enough to get out of bed. And I can't get to sleep at night because of the pain. I feel 100 years old. I'm so sick of this being in my life. I know there are people way worse off than I am, but I hate feeling so awful. I hate that this is how my life is right now.

Can you take a vacation from your life? Like "Wondertwin Powers - ACTIVATE?"

Your assignment today is to go for a walk. A simple walk is unbearable to my right now. I want to live vicariously through others today. To encourage you to move. I get so much joy from watching my daughter play soccer. She played 3 quarters yesterday - two as goalie. She was AWESOME. I think she stopped about 6 goals. Never played goalie before. So much energy. It nearly made me cry that I can't be that anymore.

Ok. Enough whinese for now. Move it!

Posted by debutaunt at September 21, 2008 04:36 PM