Relapse.
Thanks to Sis #1 for this:
Support this blog. Pretty pretty please.
See "Read More" for well, uh, more.
I had a feeling this time like I did last time. Saying goodbye to Zoe and my parents Tuesday morning was agonizingly hard; like I instinctively knew I wouldn't see Zoe for a long time. I did some grieving in the car on the way up from San Antonio. I allowed myself the full knowledge of what this relapse means. It wasn't a maybe to me. I just knew.
They are talking about a 2nd transplant for me. Same chemo routine as well with some modifications.
I get a lovely bone marrow biopsy and a line in my arm today Thursday. Sadly I know the drill. I got some spinal chemo today and will have more throughout the night.
My heart just hurts, but I was not surprised by this outcome. Please pray for my family and my daughter. I feel really defeated and am trying to rally. I think my chemo this time might be named Chuck Norris or Chemobama. I need some cancer ass kicking meds, similar to my Uma chemo.
I'm tired. And I can't tell you how much I really just want to go home.
I can do this, but it really really hurts. II is so much harder than before. I'm now no longer considered a survivor. I have a long road ahead of me and am much more afraid this time.
I love you internets. I miss and love my wild bird-talking daughter ever so much.
Posted by debutaunt at November 20, 2008 12:16 PMOh honey. I wish there was something I could do. My eyes are leaking now dammit. (((Deb)))
Posted by: traci at November 21, 2008 10:18 PMDebutaunt--darling girl. Thank you for being so honest about how you feel about this and about being away from Zoe and the rest of your family.
I could fill this little comment box with expletives worthy of being deleted, but I won't. I will just tell you that tonight when I got your news I so badly wanted to cry, but I couldn't make those tears come. So I e-mailed another one of our circle of cancer bloggers to get some support from her.
I think Chemobama is a great name, and I hope that as you go through this really scary, shitty treatment that you will remember that we love you and want to do anything and everything we can to help. Please stay in close touch and know that you are not alone.
Much love,
Jeanne
Oh Deb - my heart is just breaking for you. Please don't feel like you have to rally all of the time - its OK to be pissed or sad or whatever. I have 100% confidence in you that you WILL overcome this and that you WILL be a survivor though. Just take things one day at a time and know we love you and are praying so very hard for you.
Big hugs
Much love to you and your family Deb. I'm thinking of you all the time. It's awful that it came back, but you also know that the transplant worked once, so it will work again. Sweetie, every day that you're with us, you're a survivor. Please don't let some damn label get you down.
Chemobama sounds good! We can beat this, "yes we can!". It sounds fierce, but full of hope too.
Dearest Deb,
Love - Strength - Faith - Hope - Will
I send these to you, a thousand-fold -- and then a thousand-fold again.
S. xo
Posted by: Skye at November 22, 2008 01:28 AMYou can do it, Deb, and you will. Strength to you.
Posted by: mrtl at November 22, 2008 06:45 AMI only know you from reading your journey through your blog and now my eyes are leaking too.
I can't imaging what you are going through and how you can pull out your strength to fight once again, but I know you will for the wild-bird talker.
Dear Deb,
I can't even begin to tell you how sad I am for you, Zoe, and everyone in your family.
But I do know you have God on your side. I do know that you have "us", and I do know you
are a warrior.
Kick, and scream, and fight. I know that you
can and will beat this. You don't have a choice.
XO
Posted by: claire at November 22, 2008 07:44 AMOh Deb. I like Chemobama, too. You beat this once, you can beat it again. Keep the faith, Deb, and we will for you when you feel like you can't!
xoxo
Phil 4:13, 4:19
I don't have words. Well, maybe a few. Praying like hell.
Posted by: Susie at November 22, 2008 09:30 AMYou are in my prayers Deb! I'm sorry you're going through this. You're an ass kicker though! (((HUGS)))
Posted by: Kris Herbst at November 22, 2008 09:49 AMDeb, we are sending prayers and good thoughts. You can do this. Chuck Norris huh? That would kick ass. Whatever motivates you, cling to it.
I still consider you a survivor - regardless of relapse. Will you get the transplant from your brother again or a new donor?
Posted by: Missy at November 22, 2008 10:07 AMOh, Deb. There are no words. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this again. I pray for you all the time, and prayers will continue. F*cking cancer!
Posted by: Sharkey at November 22, 2008 10:27 AMI think you need to visit this website:
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
Cool kickass shirts.
And facts about Chuck Norris such as:
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Between Chuck Norris and ChemObama, I think you are totally covered. You have united the two most powerful things in the universe.
Posted by: Sis #1 at November 22, 2008 12:11 PMI am so sorry to hear this. I agree with Missy - you are very much a survivor. You can do this, and we're all rooting for you. God bless and get well soon.
Posted by: Charles Kuffner at November 22, 2008 01:03 PMDear Deb,
I am a lurker but a faithful reader. You and your family and your little Bird Talker are in my prayers. Always. Gather your strength; pray; kick its butt again. Know that we all are praying.
Posted by: Loretta at November 22, 2008 02:05 PMi vote for Chemobama.Chemobama sounds like it could kick anyone's ass, especially cancer.
f*ck cancer.
praying for you and the bird talker and the rest of the debu-team.
Posted by: moxiemomma at November 22, 2008 02:06 PMYou are a survivor!!! You are a survivor from the minute you are diagnosed and forevermore. Chemobama will win.
Posted by: Karen at November 22, 2008 02:21 PMAww man! I am so sorry to hear this. My heart hurts for you, but I will crank up the prayers to include you.
Posted by: Sandy at November 22, 2008 02:32 PMAww man! I am so sorry to hear this. My heart hurts for you, but I will crank up the prayers to include you.
Posted by: Sandy at November 22, 2008 02:33 PMCHEMOBAMA!!! YES YOU CAN!!
Seriously, Deb, my heart breaks for you. I know how strong you are, but this just sucks. Nobody, especially YOU, should have to deal with this...
Please update us when you can.
Much love, prayers, hope and good vibes coming your way from Illinois-
Illinois Deb
Posted by: Illinois Deb at November 22, 2008 03:48 PMChemObama is totally cracking me up right now.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO??? KICK CANCER'S ASS.
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?? RIGHT NOW!!
Posted by: Missy at November 22, 2008 04:53 PMAnother great man Winston Churchill said;
"Never, never, never give up.".
You inspire us just as he inspired many.
UmaChemoBama-could be the name of a new song.
Posted by: claire at November 22, 2008 05:48 PMAnother great man Winston Churchill said;
"Never, never, never give up.".
You inspire us just as he inspired many.
UmaChemoBama-could be the name of a new song.
Posted by: claire at November 22, 2008 05:48 PMDeb,
I am so sorry that you have to stare down this beast yet again. You know that we all care for you and we stand with you in your fight. I send you all of the hope, faith and strength that I have to give.
In the last 3 years you have given me so much. You remind me why I donate blood, why I am on the bone marrow registry, why I've made it my personal goal in life to kick leukemia's ass.
Let those who love you lift you up when you need it and take strength wherever you find it. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. You can do this!
All my best,
Angie
I love you.
Such talent.
Such an incredible being of life.
I just love you.
More than you prolly will ever, ever know.
~Nita
Posted by: Nita at November 22, 2008 07:29 PMYou are one incredibly strong person. Have hope and know that there are lot of people praying for you!!!!
Yes you can!!
Posted by: jana at November 22, 2008 08:10 PMYou're still a survivor! You just have a second date to count from. I have an email signature that says I'm a melanoma survivor from two dates. I figure I'm not giving up those first three years even though the cancer came back this summer. I lived them, I worried through them, they're mine. I'm just having to reset the count now.
I believe you're a survivor, and that you'll keep surviving. Good luck.
Posted by: natureschain at November 23, 2008 08:49 AMDeb, I am so sorry that you have to do this again. My thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Kim at November 23, 2008 09:35 AMDeb, I am so terribly sorry. You have been on my mind since your last post, and I don't even know you except through this blog. I hesitated to see if you had a new post up and my heart sank just now.
Best wishes to you, to Zoe and the rest of your family.
Love, Lolismum