I
AM
HAMMERED
I should never be allowed to drink again.
Blue Margaritas. They tasted like kerosene for God's sake. What was I thinking?
I have work tomorrow. It is going to be agony.
I drank and dialed. Always a mistake. Always regrettable.
Is regrettable a word anyway?
I stink. I showered and I still stink. I smell of cigarettes.
I wish I could just undo it all.
But it was fucking fun. I had a good time and laughed harder than I have in months. Years perhaps.
Can you call in sick if you are drunk? I think they might notice.
I think my skin is blue. My tongue is blue.
They limit you to three drinks. Not a good sign.
I want Dr. E. I miss that fucker. It's over, but I want to know for sure that it's over. I want to hear this from him.
Enough. Off for some tylenol and some sleep.
Good thing I stopped at three. I nearly had a beer. That could have been a total disaster.
I love Lara. That's not her real name you know. She's hilarious and she's my best good friend.
I miss my brown eyed baby. I miss that donkeyass.
I
AM
HAMMERED
Did you know that Zoe broke the Key Cap on my laptop? I never fixed it.
Sleep
Maybe barf, then sleep.
Nah, just sleep.
I love you, Man!
Ok, so I really don't have a black eye. Just read this joke in my inbox and remembered that I thought it was funny:
Quote:
A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?
Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there.So, instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said 'I'd like a Picket to Tittsburgh. And then she socked me one."
First guy: "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said: 'You ruined my life you fuckin' bitch!'"
It is very symbolic of my life. Everything is going along smoothly (or so I think) then WHAM! I start evaluating my life and go, "Goddamn, my life is so sucky."
Today Mr. Birthday Dick was all down. He said "Just got here and the day is for shit."
Every day for me is for shit, but I'm still fairly happy about it. I'm breathing, my kid is healthy, I still have a pretty good damn job, and I have a loving family.
I just can't help but think that my life is on pause. There is something that I'm missing out on.
This weekend I was on the poor-ish side. We hung out. I forgot what that was like. Just me and Z. We call them Mommy-Zoe days. I'm usually so busy babysitting every weekend, that we haven't had days in a row together. We have Labor Day coming. I think we will chill and maybe go swimming (if it doesn't rain).
Sugar Snit gave me some food for thought:
Quote:
And - in her book, "The courage to be rich" Suze Orman discussed what you'd do if you had millions of dollars but still had to go to work. Whatever that dream job is - is what you should do. Write down your top five and let me hear them.
1. Stay home mom (volunteer for kids on the side)
2. Teacher, Art or English, 3rd or 4th grade
3. Working for Nike or some funky, creative company
4. Tour Guide in Alaska or Europe
5. Fitness instructor/Triathlete
6. Full time student in London or Paris
7. Writer
8. Clothing designer or store owner/buyer
9. Girl Scout leader
10. Volunteer at my church
Ok, so I had more than 5. I know that if I stay at my current job, none of the above will happen. I'm fully expecting that one day my project here will end (and most likely my job), so I'm sure I'll be moving in with my parents. I could see me doing some of those if I lived there. Or if I could be more responsible with my money.
I wish I had a cool roommate. Like in a big house. Although I don't know if anyone could handle Zoe 24/7.
Anyway, another busy work day. Hopefully it will slow down some the rest of this week.
And yes, still no word from Dr. E. Nearly 3 weeks now. Weirdness. I hope he is ok. As I hope I will be ok.
OK?
[edit]
whoop for Aimee! Hope that you get it.
Been a long hard work week.
Not feeling the greatest, but wanted to post something.
L(getyourassbackhere)D. Don't go now, chica. Totally boring without your wacky self.
Still no word from Dr. E. I'm not surprised. Just disappointed.
Spent 3 days with Zoe. It makes such a difference in her behavior. Much less whining. We just hung out at Sis #1s house (they are on vaca). It was fun. We cooked & cleaned up and watched cartoons. I loved it. Got most of the laundry done and put away too. Did lots of coloring. Yipee.
She actually didn't need her 8,000 hugs this morning at school and seemed kind of excited. It was sweet.
I have to work late. So much to do and it's sad here. No boss. No favorite manager, and Lara is in limbo as to her end date. This is no fun.
Something is making me kind of woosy. Hard to concentrate, but I must. I have so much work to do.
I wish I had a better lunch to eat. Tuna casserole. Yuck. Can't wait for payday.
Blue eyed baby.
[edit]
Date: Tue, 22 Oct 2002 12:32:13 -0500
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face that a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Ok, over 5,000 views. That's always kind of cool.
5,000 fellow freaks.
-----------------
L D I miss you
Emails to me all day long
But hot pilots Yea!
----------------
I started a 2 week supply of anti-depressants. These are new and are supposed to start working more quicky. We'll see.
Although Lara and I did laugh our asses off over some really stupid stuff. Like I said, she's my inside joke girl.
My old boss, who has been packing up his office all week, walked around the corner on us and caught us mid-laugh fest. He had the cutest smile on his face. It was nice to see him smile for a change.
Tomorrow makes it two weeks with no word from Dr. E. I think he's withdrawn. I know I'm in denial. So I guess that means I'm not in denial if I already know it then?
I've actually seen him like this before. Burnt out. Doesn't answer the phone. One time after not hearing from him, I just showed up at his house. He had been having a terrible day and had been crying and praying all day. He says he just would rather no one see him like that.
I hope that this isn't the case. It's like what Burnsy or Dano go through on occasion except he doesn't reach out or call or anything.
He withdraws.
I really really hope not.
-----------------
The picnic was goofy. I started off in the shittiest of moods. They were throwing things in the conference room. Frisbees, nerf footballs and shit.
I just wanted to eat and get the fuck out of there.
It turned out ok, but Mr. Fake Smiler (the new boss o' mine) took my seat. I was sitting with my friends and went to wait my turn in line to get something to eat.
Even when he heard it was my seat he didn't move. What an ass. I'm sure this will be typical of our new boss/employee relationship.
I made a really funny poster for the big boss (with the help of Ms. Seamonkey's & another online friend, Wicked Spellman's, photoshop skills). It was so cute. I could tell he really liked it.
I am tired of working this week. I've been spending 3 hours every morning reading documents. They are boring as hell.
I am going for drinks tonight though, so I'm keeping this short.
I wish to get my drink on.
But since I have to get up and read a compliance status report for 3 hours tomorrow this will not be happening.
I spent nearly my whole day working on real work today. The other part of my day was spent creating a birthday poster for our big boss.
He's one of the nicest men that I have ever met. I don't know him all that well, but I couldn't get too enthusiastic for creating that poster for some reason.
I wanted to say "Happy Birthday. Glad You Are Keeping Me On Staff, but Fuck You for Firing Lara."
I don't think that would have gone over so well.
It's very hard here because the ones that are either being relocated or fired are 1. glad they won't be around because it's going to be so boring/sucky and 2. giving those of us who will still be here guilt trips or lots of shit because we are stuck here.
Lara was so sweet though. She knows how bad I feel, and she's not being mean. I hope she knows I would quit if I could, but I really need the paycheck. I have no savings left any more and I spend money like crazy.
I wish I could find her a job somewhere, but the economy is bad. I'm going to call all the temp agencies that used to beg for my business and am going to help her with her resume.
I hope though that she takes a trip. She had talked about going to London. She's such a wonderful person. I've never seen her as the type to be tied to an office job. She's cool and smart and really pretty. I could see her working in NYC or doing something cool and creative. Possibly even owning her own business.
I can't stand to think of what it is going to be like here without her.
I'm not as mopey, but this is still very lame.
P.S. I forgot to tell you all... we are having a Picnic at Work tomorrow. It was scheduled long before all this layoff shit, but it's still like wayyyy inappropriate given everyone's moods. I just don't want to fucking go. Not at all.
that's it. Get back to what you were doing now.
Ok, so I still have a job. Yippee. I'm thankful. I really am. I surely couldn't handle losing my job and my man at the same time. I was told by Mr. Fake Smiler (my new boss) that I will have a job through like 2010. I don't know if I can ever or will ever trust him or what he says.
But I'm losing someone who is more important to me than my man. My assistant editor "Lara" is getting canned in 3-4 weeks. They are trying to find her some other work, but it won't be the same. She is one of the few reasons I enjoy working here.
She's my inside joke girl. She's the Queen of Snark, and I love her like my own sisters. She's been through the whole Dr. E thing with me and has cheered and consoled me. I've seen her happy and sad, but it's awful when she's not here, even for one day.
She's my support and I don't want to work here if she's not here. But I have to. I will work, but I will hate it.
They are cutting our staff in half within the month. Our client is losing it's shirt, so they requested that we consolidate our program. My boss and my favorite project manager are going over to our corporate office.
We still have the same amount of work.
It is a sucky day here. This is the start of many sucky days here.
---------------------
Zoe didn't want to go to school this morning. She started freaking out when she saw we were going to the "new" school. She said it's too hard and she wants to go to her old school.
She was very clingy. I took her to the playground down the alley. (the school is in a strip mall, and the playground is down this closed off alley). She gave me the requisite 8,000 hugs and then a kiss. She said goodbye. I was really late. I got all the way back to the school door and turned around to see Zoe hauling ass towards me with a teacher in pursuit. She said she needed one more "Big one hug."
It broke my heart to see her. I think she's consoling me.
I ran into her new teacher. I left her a note about helping Zoe adjust to her new school. She said Zoe is fine. That she follows instructions and she is a total social butterfly. She said she will be just fine. I told her how every morning and night are horrible for us. That she says she doesn't want to go to school. She thinks that Zoe probably just does it in front of me.
Now I know she's reflecting me. My mood is affecting her.
Thanks sugar, dano, and chelle for your sweet notes. This is why I love this place.
I'm deb_u, the girl who can bounce back.
Deb, the Debster ... bear with me y'all as I can snap back. This moping won't last long.
It's not in me.
I am now a failure at love and at being a mother. I'm so sad and I need to get away from my child. It cannot be good for her.
Not only has Dr. E not called (and I know he was home today because his phone was busy for 45 minutes), but Mr. John Doe totally dissed me. He tried to be nice, but he was so condescending to me that I just told him to stop it. He was trying to dump me and was saying it was because he just couldn't be near me without wanting me, and that if we hooked up that he would end up breaking my heart.
He was complimenting me left and right, and I couldn't take it anymore.
By the way, this post is going to suck more than normal because I only got four hours of sleep last night, spent the day with four very happily married couples and their kids, shopped, did laundry, and cleaned up a bit around the house. I'm exhausted and my body hurts so much from being exhausted.
So you may want to skip reading this.
I hate Sundays. Hate them. I quit going to church because it made my day even more excrutiating. I dread going to work. I don't know what my dream job would be so I can't go out and find it.
I told my mother that I needed a vacation and she totally blew me off. Easy for her to say. She isn't around Zoe 24/7 and hasn't had a full time job in over 20 years (stay home has different stresses, but I loved being a stay home mom)
I think I will never be satisfied.
Zoe has turned into me. She is a complainer. She whines. She complains and crys for everything. She bites her nails down to nothing and she sometimes seems like she is OCD. (She will only sit in red chairs at school)
Tonight I lost it. I was unloading groceries at 8:45pm and we still hadn't eaten dinner. I'm feeling sorry for myself over Dr. E not calling for a week and a half and I just started sobbing. Uncontrollably. Zoe is in the bedroom and she comes out into the kitchen.
I was sitting in front of the refrigerator unloading veggies (yes, I'm sticking to the diet, albeit I drank a few last night) and I couldn't stop crying. Zoe came and sat in my lap and kissed my face.
She looked so concerned. She sat in my lap and hugged me for about five minutes while I cried.
This absolutely can't be good for her. If I'm upset I usually cry in the shower so that she can't see or hear me. I rarely cry and I know it was because I am tired.
I am trying out some anti-depressants starting tomorrow. I don't know if I really need them, or just need some time to adjust to the thought of my life without Dr. E. I need to break up with him because I'm too emotionally tied in to his actions. I know that is not good.
I wish I could take a week off.
off to sleep
I'm Zoe-less, hungover, and want to go to the grocery store, so I'm making this short.
Zoe's dad got her last night. I went out with my sis #3 (the baby) and her roommate and an old friend of mine. We went to major cheesy club and danced our asses off to 70's music. I drank a few purple slurpee type drinks and smoked a bunch of cigarettes. I can taste the cigs this morning and it is wayyyy funky. Bleech!
I got hit on a bit, but nothing serious. It was more fun last night than this morning because I have a sleep hangover. (I went to bed at 4 and got up at 8).
I can't go back to sleep because I have to be at Sis #1s house at noon for lunch. My dad is baptising my neice. Ol Deacon dad and all.
I'm not really looking forward to it because I'm too tired to really deal with Zoe, but it's nice to see my Sis #3. My brother #2 and his wife also came.
I spent some of my George Bushie money on clothes. I hope to have enough money till payday.
I spend whatever I make. I've always been that way.
--------------------
Still no word from Dr. E. I don't know what is going on, but I finally (like the fuckup I am) called him again and left another message. This is the first one in like 4 days. (Mr. Birthday Dick told me not to call him anymore, as he thinks I'm a stalker - of my own boyfriend??)
Something is going on with him. He's really never gone this long without calling me.
If this is how it's going to end, with no word from him, I'll be really sad. I mean really really sad.
Insert get a life here, Deb.
--------------------
I joined in this goofy diet contest at work. 12 weeks. You put in $20 and each Thursday you weigh yourself. If you didn't lose 1/2 pound, you have to put in a dollar.
At the end of 12 weeks, 3 people will win the jackpot. 1 - most weight lost. 2 - highest percentage lost. 3 - random picking from everyone who lost 1/2 lb. There are only like 8 or 9 of us doing this, so it's not really all that much money.
I thought I could win this, but I'm just not even motivated at all.
I weighed myself and realized that I have gained 12 pounds since Dr. E moved to Pennsylvania. (this is because of 2 things - sadness and lack of sexercise) At least it's not public weigh ins. You only have to weigh with a weigh-in partner. My asst. editor, Lara, is mine. I only trust her not to blab how much my fat ass weighs.
Now my lack of motivation is going to be public.
I just hope to not be too humiliated.
ok, off to the grocery store.
fruits, vegs, salad, and chicken.
hard to think of healthy foods when you have massive hangover.
Alas, I suck, and still no call from my beloved. Tomorrow will be one week. Let's see how long it lasts. FUCK FUCK FUCK - I am sooo lame.
Someone in my real life posed a question to me this morning in regard to Dr. Egypt
"If you were apart from Zoe, would you wait two weeks to call her?"
I love you and I will never call you again.
I love you and I will never call you again.
I love you and I will never call you again.
I love you and I will never call you again.
I love you and I will never call you again.
I'm trying not to get discouraged, but I just am.
Of course this question was posed by one of the now THREE (yeah count 'em three) men who are trying to get into my pants. His name is Mr. Jackass.
The guy was making me feel like shit about my relationship and I find that all I do is defend myself. Aimee, I hear ya loud and clear. Our worlds are too alike sometimes.
Mr. Jackass also was insinuating that Dr. E is fucking around on me. That if he said it was ok to go to dinner with another guy, that he's probably doing just the same. That he's probably not that busy. That if he loved me he would....
SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. IT'S HARD ENOUGH HAVING A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT EVERYONE MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT.
[aside]
to Mr. Birthday Dick. He told me that a guy will pretty much say anything to get into your pants. "it is easy to say that stuff if your a guy trying to get in the pants of someone."
I need to remember that. Mr. John Doe is still full court press. I must resist that fucking french. I can't take it.
I hung up on Mr. Jackass this morning, and that was in tune with the rest of the day. I started off this journal without meds, but am now seriously considering it. I don't think I'm depressed, but who knows, maybe the meds could HELP ME GET A FUCKING LIFE.
Mr. Jackass sent me a PM later apologizing. He said he didn't think he was being rude.
Mr. Jackass: I just said who are you trying to convince. you know what your relationship is. what I think shouldnt matter at all
deb_u_: well obviously i stopped feeling the need to convince you, so i hung up on your dumbass
sigh
ok, I'm going home. I'm going to go see my zoe. this will make me very happy.
Someone remind next monday when I'm not up to my ears in work to scan the picture of Zoe at the ranch with Mo, our friends dog. It is incredibly cute.
gah! Almost bewitching hour. gotta hit the traffic.
tomorrow I'll tell you about the weight loss contest they have at work. it's so gay.
I gave in and am going to do it.
I'm sucky like that.
and maybe I'll head back to the gym. I'll pretend I'm thorn, stud biker chick.
Ok, NOW I'm dangerous.
I have Saturday to myself, and Sr. Jorge Bush just sent me a $400 check. Thanks Georgie Porgie. I'm going to go to La Bares and buy me a stripper.
No really, I got two checks from assholes today.
One as a tax credit, refund, whatever (I'm sure he screwed me some other way - who knows - I'm glad to get it), and one from Southwestern Bell Telephone, for what I have no earthly idea.
All I know is that I have $413 extra that I wasn't expecting.
And I will either save it or spend it all on me. My clothes are threadbare. I need to be on that show What Not to Wear. I wore a shirt today that is 15 years old. I spend all my money on bills, food, and Zoe (over $6,000 a year on daycare alone).
I hardly ever buy new clothing. I see the girls at work and their cute outfits and I want to shop so much. I think instead of going out on Saturday, I'll shop. No Zoe to whine and cry and give me a hard time when I'm changing clothes. I just wish I had a little bit more. Back in the day when I used to make money, $400 was like 3-4 pairs of shoes. Maybe a casual suit. But I used to work much harder then. Weekends, salary and bonuses. Long hours. I honestly do miss it sometimes. I don't miss pantyhose though.
I think I deserve some new things.
Bush thinks I need some new things too.
I still love love
I'm just grouchy because I have a killer backache. Zoe and her cousin jumped all over me Saturday night when I was babysitting. Can you say mommy jungle gym? It was fun, but I really think I hurt myself.
Sitting here at work is agonizing.
---------------------
Zoe doesn't like her new school. She doesn't have a particular reason when I ask her, but I am not switching schools. I don't know what to do to make her like it. I'm all excited when I talk about it, and have been trying to get her to tell me if there is something specific, but she doesn't tell me.
It's kind of scaring me. Visions of her being abused are making me paraniod. It's a lovely school. The teachers seem to be pretty caring.
Anyone have some advice, I'll take it.
-----------------
I finally met Mr. Birthday Dick in person. He is a big dude. It kind of intimidated me at first. But he could not be any sweeter. He did a few things to my laptop to make it run better and so far it does a little. I fed him my awesome zucchini spaghetti. Zoe wore him out though and he took off. Welcome to my world dude. Nonstop Zoe 24/7.
------------------
*NEWSFLASH* Zoe's dad will be taking her Saturday night and keeping her overnight. I have to find something fun to do. {wonders how much airfare to Phoenix would be...}
---------------
hmmm Sisterhood. Unfortunately I side with the freak YET on this one. My summary.
I have sisters. I got plenty. Three of them. I have many many friends of mine who are like sisters. But I don't subscribe to the whole, we are woman & we should have a sisterhood thing.
Maybe it's because I have been fucked over worse by woman than any man ever could. Jobs, life, men. Bitches. Fuck you.
Some of y'all are assholes and I just don't like you.
---------------
Tomb, baby, I kept my end and am very proud of you for keeping yours.
Burns, I'm glad you fessed up. I got that PM and was laughing my ass off.
Seaspunky, you are one of a kind baby. Come to Texas & we will party like rock stars.
YET, whoever you are, come back. I liked the bitchiness. Your PM was high-larious.
Lori, we shall agree to disagree. I still love love you and you know it.
Bambooki, all I have to say is poo. Ewww. More, more please. I'm loving your journal.
Aimee, sorry if I .... oh, you know .... bad timing.
L(catchuponthosehaikusalready)D, I'm missing you. Hot pilots girl.
oh, enough of the shout outs. I'm nearly caught up, so write some more.
Gah, would everyone just take a midol already.
I'll be the first one to do so.
My request - even if you get bored, please read this whole entry. I sort of do get around to what I want to say. Thanks for your patience. I'll provide popcorn.
---------------
Ok, I'm 12. That last post proves it. This post will prove that I still suck.
But, alas it's true. I'm a sucker for love. That's my new theme.
I love love. *insert heart* and *lovey faces*
I have been getting quite a few messages and read threads and fake journals about a relationship we all know is none of our business. Aimee and Benorbeen (and yes, until recently I really did used to think Ben or Bean instead of Ben or Been [pronounced Ben also] thanks L(getitright)D)
I can't help BUT to be happy. Ali D drew me in (from a link at www.fametracker.com - an awesome site that my trusty, albeit most snarky friend/co-worker, Lara, drew me in to)
But it was Minou and Burns that made me stay.
Love
Long
Lost
Now
Found
Aching for love (which is my situation now too *sigh*)
New love, boundless love, and boundary-less love.
Heart ache, and Heart pounding love that makes you question - do I really deserve this? Is this really happening? How can I not lose this love?
Giddy love, sexy sexual sexsex love, romantic love, and extreme heart breaking love. Love to death. Love to die. Love to live for.
On the phone love, web cam love, email love - technology love, but yet still passionate old-fashioned love.
Minou and Burns - their love is from afar, but their hearts make them close.
And love for people like oldlady, Aimee, Lori Sunshine, Hoyden, Pixee, sugar snit, *diz*, B_E_G, Tombuazit, Tango, Gypsy, Dano, and of course my lovely L D. oh hell, you all know who you are!!! And I love you, I don't know you at all but I love you nonetheless.
Why? Because I like real life. Because relationships have flaws. Ups and downs and hardships and triumphs. Real relationships. Relationships that are as varied as the people themselves. From Wasabi Geisha and Chastain to Yonphi and Retardical Sam.
Don't tell anyone DUH! I love to read romance novels. But not like the fake Fabio-covered ones. Ellen Gilchrist (who btw won a fiction award and is an excellent writer), Jane Green, Jennifer Belle. Books about women like my off-topic babes.
It's the discovery of relationships, hopes, promises, disappointments, and how we all feel about them. It's lovely and endearing and there have been many times where I have cried over your journals with joy and with sadness.
Gypsy's discussion with her daughter sent me scrambling for a new box of kleenex, praying for Hoyden's sweetpea, minou's journey and kitties and aches and beer - and her burns - In my mind I can just see him pacing about smoking sometimes drinking, killing time for wanting and aching for Minou. I can see Benor sitting at his computer knocking about theories and thinking about coaching. Now smiling and webcaming and posting and happy. Lori's relationship with her dad, her former professor, puppies, her job - simply amazing, simply lovely (and educational with the word of the day).
Oldlady's life comforts me and gives us all something to strive for, while Diz and Randilicious and Pixee and B_E_G lives makes me filled with joy. My cutie girls and their lives - I smile when I read them. Chelle and Tango usually have me hanging by a thread... wishing for more entries. Dano finding his own, and up and down and up again. G-man with his love for his wife, his kids, his country and his compassion make me forgive his rants and his fantasy/lust (hee).
Shanextopher gets his own line. I'm addicted to his ass and his safari like world of getting ass.
Unknown soul's gutwrenching struggles that make me barely read and barely breathe. Lord God's randomness. Rich and his trailer trash chicks and his love for his son, and Seamonkey's wackiness and hilarity and love for her kids, she's the wacky sister that you miss when she's not there. Minx, I miss minx too. Snert come back too. Sugar Snits life makes me feel like I am right there, rooting for her and cheering for her, wishing to give her hugs. Clubfoot's manic ups and lust and downs and drugs and sex and rants and intellect - the hulk with a heart.
My L D's fight with lonliness and crime (heh) and men and her past and all while keeping her wildly wicked sense of humor. She's addicting. She's my secret sister.
[aside] A new fav is thorn's Recovering Drama Queen journal. Very different perspective - nearly the opposite of me, but she's a chick I would like to be like, if I didn't have a kid.
Bambooki's humor, Peyton's speed delivery, her need to get it out I think, is just another that intrigues me. And Moonlit Angel sneaking off to type to phonesex to rant. Susie's arguin with her dude, but loving nonetheless.
And I vote the new Ali Davis is the I am the Boss of Applesauce. That is a world I can truly relate to. And those of you who have heard my Zoe on the mic can attest to that. Suuuuuperrrr Mooooommmeeeeee.
On occasion I try to read a few Improv journals, Wanda's Blorgs, Lulus, Dan Telfer, Danis, Rylocs, Berrebis, and Jesster's junk. But it's not my world (and yeah, they let us randoms know it quite often - bah, just because you aren't a chef, doesn't mean you can't appreciate a fine meal).
Non-withstanding my admirnation, (and now thanks to my friend, Sec. Admirer), public admiration, of the lovely Mullaney... Improv... on this I can't relate. (although I do thoroughly enjoy El Jefe's mugshots)
To me, with these journals sometimes the improv gets in the way of the living. To them sometimes living gets in the way of improv. Driven to create is so admirable. This is why I wish they'd lay off the non-person references. I openly admire their lives.
Back to love.
Love = Life = Love
Benor, please come up with some equation.
Anyway, gush gush fest aside, I love love. I am happy when you all are happy. I'm sad when you are sad. I feel your pain and rejoice in your joy. I may not always send you a pm, but you all touch me (and some of you [L D baby] want to really really touch me - bahahahaha)
So is Aimee's and Ben's relationship my business? Of course not. Absolutely not. And for all parties who are involved, their past loves and lovers and lives somewhat make me sad and uncomfortable.
But
that
is
life.
We live and love and lose but we move on to lose and live and love again. This is what makes life worth staying for.
I appreciate their newfound love. I revel in it's newness. I understand the need to share ... just as I want and need to tell you all my story and my loves and my life.
I love love and am happy for them.
You should be too.
Mr. John Doe doesn't want me writing about him. So I will try to keep it to facts and not details as he is important to my story. If you ever read this, Mr. John Doe, I'm sorry, but I can't tell the story without you. (but he said he didn't want to read this anyway, so here goes)
Mr. John Doe - a guy I talked to online for a bit. He is enamoured. I finally meet him in person, and we get on a bit too well (no, not THAT well, but he wants to)
Mr. John Doe - I tell him about Dr. Egypt. I tell him about my doubts and fears and sadness at missing him. I tell him that I think Mr. John Doe is a cool guy and I would hate to pass up on someone cool for someone that I'm in limbo with (Dr. E)
Mr. John Doe - he is putting on the full court press. Damn French speaking people. He could have read a grocery list to me and I'd still want to be ripping off my clothes. He's a sexy guy. A smart, sexy, cool guy who happens to think I'm the same.
Mr. John Doe - he tells me that I should contact Dr. Egypt and give him a "warning." I tell him I've been trying to have the relationship status talk with Dr. E for a while, but I've left 2 messages in a week and still no answer. That night I leave my third message. It went something like this:
Hi honey. I am really having a hard time and I need to talk to you. Even if you are half asleep, I need you to call me because I am really stressed out and want to talk to you.
So I'm driving home in the hellish commute. Mr. John Doe calls me and we are just chatting, flirting. He is tempting me.
then
the
call
waiting
beeps
in
It's Dr. Egypt. Now this is all junior high schoolish, and I only got like 3 hours sleep last night, so I'll try to make this coherent although I'm losing my ability to spell and these won't be quotes. Fuck, I'll just tell it.
NE WAY
he asks me what is the problem. I start crying (and don't worry, I know I was driving, but I'm going like 5 mph tops in this traffic)
He gets really upset when I cry. He's very sweet about it. He tells me to calm down and tell him what the problem is.
I tell him that I guess I just miss him. And that it is getting to hard to be apart from him. He says this makes him happy. He said that (and this is a quote) "If you ever stop missing me, I'd kill you" (and no, not literally - he was laughing)
I told him that I felt really stupid. I said I can't love someone that doesn't love me back. I ask him if I should be waiting for him. If he wants me to wait for him.
He tells me, honey, I'm trying. Pray for me because I am trying to get a job for my 2nd year residency in Houston. I'm trying to get back to you.
I tell him I feel really dumb. That I just want to HEAR it. I want to know how he feels. Where is our relationship going? (and I know this was hard for him because he had just finished an extra long shift and is ready to pass out). He starts to say he doesn't know. That he doesn't want to say something that he doesn't mean. He isn't sure where he will be. He's not sure if he will be in PA or Houston or to give up and go back to Egypt because he's not sure that it will all be worth the effort he is going through. He could practice in a number of countries. He's basically being all wishy washy and not answering my questions.
So I tell him that I would wait a million years if he wanted me to. I tell him I'm asking because in the past two weeks 3 different men have asked me out. I don't tell him that they are really after me. But I'm sure he gets the gyst. He told me that I could go to dinner with them, but nothing else.
DUH. I said, honey, they want more than dinner. But I can't give any of them an answer because I don't know what type of relationship I'm in. Do I have a boyfriend? What is the deal?
I told him I would be absolutely furious at him if he started dating other women. He said that's not even an option.
I said that all the wishy washy stuff is his brain. I want to know what his heart says. He says he doesn't want me going out with other men.
Finally, I'm still pushing it. I ask him, "Well would it kill you to tell me you love me?" After all, in 8 months he hasn't really ever said it. He says that he loves what we have, or he loves x about me. But never outright.
Bah, this is too long. I hope not to lose it.
And he says
Honey
I
love
you
so so
much
I love you, I love you, I love you (this is feeling like a movie moment - sexy accent, he is saying it and it is sincere) He says this about ten times. I am bawling at this point.
He tells me wait for me, pray for me. I love you. I don't know what will happen to me, but I love you and want you to wait for me. Please don't give up on me, honey. I love you.
I tell him that is all I needed to know.
He says, honey you know I would not be the type of man to say that I want you to wait if I didn't really mean it. I wouldn't do that to you. (I know this to be true) This is important to me because I don't want him to say it if he doesn't mean it. He means it.
However, I also tell him that he's a butt for not calling me at least once a week. (remember, he promised to. Well he said he didn't even realize that it had been a week) He says he will try to call me more. (he better because Mr. John Doe is still pretty full court press and he is saying things I want to hear from Dr. Egypt, and he is saying them in french [fucking french accents], and I want to hear them. I just wish they were coming from Dr. E)
[aside] I wonder if Dr. E had any idea of what exactly Mr. John Doe wants to do to me if he wouldn't be calling me more often.
I can tell he is about to pass out at this point. (yikes, he said he fell asleep driving home last week. that he had to drag himself up the stairs to go to bed. And that most nights he just stays at the hospital because he's too tired to go home.) I tell him to go to bed. It's 7:00 his time and he is going to bed.
He says Honey, I love you.
This is what I needed to hear. This is enough.
This is what feels right for me.
This is the comfort that we had when he was with me.
This is the man I don't doubt. The man I love. The man who made me remember who I am.
Worshipful.
This is what I need to store in my mind when I am doubtful and weak.
I have to remember that whereas he doesn't always say all the right things and isn't around me (like Mr. John Doe), when we are together he is the only man. He does all the right things. He adores me, and cares for me, and I can feel love for him and from him.
This is my strength.
Please pray he comes back to me (if it is really meant to be). Pray for his safety. Please pray for this lovely man.
It means a lot to me.
Aimee and Benor
I hate bridesmaids dresses, but Zoe would make a lovely flower girl.
I, for one, think you two are adorable.
I love love.
------------------
Minouuuuuuuu we miss you
I know Burns misses you more
double wedding, k?
L(yougogirl)D
stay at your shit job will ya
for day IRC
(I'll miss you chick, but I'm glad for the FBO.)
Secret admirer
I want to know who you are
maybe I'll love you
(I am surely hoping that my secret admirers will reveal themselves. I thought the notes were really sweet. It did cheer me up when I was having a really hard time)
Mr. Birthday Dick
You know I love you too dude
But not naked love
I love MBD. Even though we haven't met, I love talking to this dude. Maybe he could marry L D and have live sex shows.
Bah!
I'm so behind on all my journals. I'm off tomorrow, so maybe I'll stay home and read all day. I miss y'all.
-----------------
Zoë speak 101:
Getfor = forget. “mommy, you getfor my pack pack.”
Pack pack = backpack. See prior for usage
Chincap = chin. “mommy, you have yogies on your chincap.” Similar to armpins = armpits
Yogies = yogurt. “mommy, I need much yogies.”
Much = more. “no, mommy. I need much. Here. I can’t do the lidcap.”
Lidcap = any type of lid.
Bellyhole = belly button. “mommy you pokie my bellyhole.”
Stupid fuck = stupid truck. I tried to be non-profanity mom one time when this truck cut in front of me and nearly killed us at 65mph. I honked and said “Stupid truck!” She then proceeded to say “stupid fuck, stupid fuck.” She still says it when I honk my horn.
Poodie = Woody, the cowboy on Toy Story.
Crazy hair = What mom’s hair looks like in the morning. I am crazy tickle mommy, a persona I have had to take up because she is not a morning child and is cranky beyond words. So I stick my hair up like Jack Osbourne and tickle her silly. It works. Although she did look at this woman in the restroom once and said, “mommy, her hair is crazee!” The chick had some big Texas hair. And thus begins the beginning of Zoë making rude comments to strangers.
Zoë has not been happy with her new new school. Her butthead dad called me last week after picking her up early. They were just coming in from outside and she was all sweaty.
Right in front of Zoë he says:
“Hey, they are keeping her outside for too long. She’s all hot and sweaty. It’s too hot out there. She was dying of thirst. They don’t need to keep her outside for that long.” (only 20 minutes, and they drink when they come inside)
Ok, I agree, but DON’T CRITICIZE HER SCHOOL IN FRONT OF HER!!!
Because the next week on our way to school Zoë starts saying things like:
“Mommy, I having a hard time at my new school.”
“I can’t go to my new school. It’s too hard.”
“I need to go back to the other school. I need to go to works with you, mommy.”
When I start to ask her about it, she says:
“They keep me outside for too long. It’s too hot out there. It makes me too hot. I can’t go to school because it’s too hard.”
Thanks butthead.
I did get to write my first teachers note for Zoë excusing her from the afternoon recess. I agree with butthead though because it’s been in the upper 90’s for two weeks. The heat index is 112 – 120 every day. We’ve had 18 people die already. I don’t know how Burnsy is handling it because I heard not many of the Brits have air conditioning. Is that right? I couldn’t take that. I have mine on nearly year round.
Anyway, it made me sad that Zoë’s old enough for me to already be writing notes.
Better than her first parent / teacher conference I had at her first school (this was right before I started shopping for a new school)
The teacher told me Zoë said the f*bomb 3 times that day. They called them madwords.
Nice
------------------
and for the record, I wasn’t after Burns . I just asked him if he had a cute single Brit friend that could be my pen pal. Thought I could find me a cute accent to listen to at 5am. My life has been pretty un-exciting lately...
or has it… which will lead to my next, very long post.
(Dr. E finally said he loves me… he looooovvvvveeeessss me. he lovvvvvessss me. I’m giddy like a schoolgirl.)
Too delirious to finish this right now. Sorry, my dear friends.
upcoming tales of Dr. E and Mr. John Doe.
Did you know that Chut ke pakode means deep fried pussy in Hindi?
that will become important later on.
But for now, I still suck!
ok, this is long, but kind of worth reading.
sallycast: can I ask you a question
deb_u: I guess so. What?
sallycast: have u ever had a leg cast
deb_u: no. why? do you have some weird cast fetish?
deb_u: freak?
sallycast: yes
sallycast: yes
deb_u: well fuck off, ok?
deb_u: and have a nice day
sallycast: ok ty
[aside] I look at the profile … only to discover ….
deb_u: OMG... are you a DUDE? Is that a DICK between your legs in that picture?
sallycast: last time I looked
deb_u: you are the weirdest person I have ever met online. I just showed your pictures to a bunch of people in my office. I'm sure you liked that. is that a real cast?
[aside] At this point I thought I scared “him” off
deb_u: WHERE DID YOU GO??? I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU!!!
sallycast: I got booted sorry. I didn’t mean to offend u
deb_u: no, I just think it's a weird fetish. But then again that's why it's called a fetish
deb_u: <--has no fetishes
sallycast: really none
deb_u: none
deb_u: nada
deb_u: zippo
sallycast: how dull
deb_u: nope, I have a great sex life
[aside] when I was having sex, it was great. Just because I’m not still having sex doesn’t mean that my sex life isn’t great, it’s just kind of on hold.
sallycast: well as u say each to there own
deb_u: pantyhose are the spawn of the devil
sallycast: lol. I like stockings
deb_u: I live in Texas - it's too hot for stockings
sallycast: I’ve been there, your right
deb_u: so what's up with the cast?
sallycast: up with?
deb_u: why does that turn you on? What else are you into?
sallycast: like the restriction the way it shapes the leg the toes wiggling free
sallycast: like high heels and stockings
deb_u: what else?
sallycast: I like women and other tv's
[aside] it took me a minute to figure out tv was transvestite – DUH!
deb_u: so do you have sex with the cast on. or was that real?
sallycast: yes
sallycast: some of them were real some fake
deb_u: are those pictures of you? maybe I don't quite understand
sallycast: yes they are
sallycast: bet your lol your ass off
[aside] now, I’m just getting curious. I’m a bitch, but I wasn’t trying
deb_u: so did your mother spank you when you were younger?
deb_u: or were you molested?
sallycast: fuck u
deb_u: I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm just asking
sallycast: that was a shitty thing to say
deb_u: I mean casts... not an everyday fetish. no, I really am curious
sallycast: what is an everyday fetish
deb_u: like I get lots of foot fetish guys, or swingers, or people that are into bondage
deb_u: but I had never heard of casts
deb_u: I'm just wondering if there was an experience you had that turned you onto casts
sallycast: always liked the shape of a foot in a cast
[aside] I try to relate my lame ass experience here. It doesn’t quite work.
deb_u: like when I was in the 4th grade I went to summer camp & they tried to make me eat powdered eggs & to this day I never have eaten them
deb_u: well did you break your leg when you were little?
sallycast: erm so ??
sallycast: no
deb_u: I just was wondering if there was a particular event or if it just came up on its own or if someone turned you onto it
sallycast: none really. I am not in to pain and stuff like that
deb_u: so what do you do for a living?
Sallycast: I work
deb_u: what kind of work? in general. are you a lawyer or something or a doctor
sallycast: work in TV and films in Europe and UK
deb_u: that would be kind of funny if you were a doctor
deb_u: oh... ok
deb_u: so how did you find my name?
sallycast: it was an accident
sallycast: I was looking for some called debs in a search file and clicked on your name by mistake
deb_u: I'm always just so curious about how people get into these fetishes. Since my life has none.
sallycast: well all have a fetish just some don’t see it as a fetish
sallycast: I bet thing turn u on more then others
deb_u: not really
deb_u: I don't have sex that often, so when I do, I just want sex... straight up so I don't really think about much else
sallycast: do u like to wear things for sex
deb_u: no, not really
sallycast: not even stockings high heels
deb_u: nope, just naked. Less to mess with
sallycast: well that’s cool as long as u enjoy it
deb_u: I think that all that other stuff is too distracting
sallycast: well we like it myself and the others
deb_u: do you have group sex? others?
sallycast: not group no but sometimes 3
sallycast: I’m not the only tv or caster
[aside] ahhh… it has a name – “caster”
deb_u: well I figured that much
deb_u: just wondered if it was like swinging.. with clubs and stuff
deb_u: they have conventions now
sallycast: not really, more private
deb_u: so if you don't have a broken leg, how do you go about getting a cast?
sallycast: I make them
sallycast: u can buy the stuff easily
deb_u: LOL, I didn't know that
deb_u: my friend is a doctor, so I guess he'd just do it
sallycast: lol yes
He never came back after this, but he actually was fairly normal with the exception of the cast and the pictures of him dressed as a woman in a cast with HIS DICK hanging out.
Sorry, gotta run. Mom’s in town & is going to cook me dinner.
Love to you. Casts and all.