Home again. Yay!
---------------------
Life will never be the same. Something happened on Christmas that I can't discuss (legal stuff and no, I'm not going to jail). Basically someone messed with my family and it has caused me grief, embarrassment, guilt (some although I shouldn't have any), sadness and mostly loss of faith in someone... actually more of a confirmed aggrevation and hatred of a dirtbag.
Anyway. Maybe I can talk about it later, but for now, everything is changed. It makes me sad.
You don't mess with my family, you assfucker!
---------------------
One day I'd like to have a house big enough for my daughter to ride her bike in. She's attempting it in our apartment and ringing the little bell, but there is no room here.
She rode around and around my parents house. They have a really big living room and she was doing loop de loops around the dining room table. I have to call the company though because one of the pedals broke off. Within the first 20 minutes.
My daughter could not have had a better time than she did with my parents. It was really a wonderful visit because usually there are so many people there we don't get to spend very much one-on-one time. I got to hang with my dad and took him to see The Last Samurai. I also went shopping with mom and went downtown to look at the lights on the riverwalk and to attend mass in Spanish at this amazing chapel there. To Zoe, it was all magic.
I was pretty sick the entire time though, so today I'm still pretty worn out although my cold is better. I drove home through 4 hours of pouring down rain. I sure could use some time off - HA!
Ok, Zoe is here and we are gonna dance to Ziggy Marley. Too bad none of y'all are online... you could watch the Deb N Zoe show on my new Webcam.
Cheers!
http://home.earthlink.net/~debsterc/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/im000003.jpg
http://home.earthlink.net/~debsterc/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/im000008.jpg
http://home.earthlink.net/~debsterc/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/im000016.jpg
----------------------
Mr. Maybe.
I'm silly and delirious, but he's still adorable.
----------------------
Merry Christmas my regular peoples
and
Merry Christmas with a whip!
So, what should I do? Take him up on his offer
If you have ever read any of my entries...this is the one to read!!
Profile - man. says he's 45. looks late 50's. Tan, wearing a lei and a loud Hawaiian shirt. I'm lovin' him. Forget Mr. Maybe....
Quote:
bizarro: Good Afternoon! I am in Houston. I am extremely fond of beautiful women like you. I saw you on line and wanted to say, Howdy!...
deb_u: ok, how many women do you send that exact message to?
bizarro: only to you
bizarro:
deb_u: that's what you say to all the ladies I'm sure
bizarro: anyway you do look pretty in your profile
deb_u: well thanks
bizarro: and seem like a fun person in your stories
deb_u: stories?
bizarro: where in the houston area are you? yes stories on the webpage that are your favorites
deb_u: oh... lol
deb_u: i'm in nw
bizarro: ok I am SW
bizarro: I am 5'11" 175 lbs great shape 45 yrs old
bizarro: and I love to dote on women like you
deb_u: lol
deb_u: women like me?
deb_u: dorks??
bizarro: blonde and cute
deb_u: ??
deb_u: I'm a brunette
bizarro: well that is trua as l look more carefully
bizarro: I want you to know I am very attracted to larger women rather than skinny women
bizarro: I am also new to Houston moved here from NYC/NJ area
bizarro: did I stun you into silence ?
deb_u: no, I'm at work
deb_u: working on my timesheet
bizarro: ah so you can get the $$
bizarro: when I was living in NJ area there were fun things I did there that I would like to do here in Texas.
deb_u: like what?
bizarro: in NJ I was sometimes an amateur male entertainer.
deb_u: meaning what?
bizarro: I stripped and more for either one woman or a small group
deb_u: "and more?"
bizarro: yes nude and you can touch and play
deb_u: "touch and play?"
bizarro: yes and most anything goes
bizarro: all for fun not for money
deb_u: fun for who?
bizarro: for me and you
bizarro: I will grant you 3 wishes too
deb_u: ME?
bizarro: yes for you or you and girlfriends
bizarro: and you can wish for me to do anything or you can do anything to me
deb_u: Can we stick things up your bunghole?
bizarro: yes
bizarro: who is we?
deb_u: me and a few friends
bizarro: yes
bizarro: girls only though ok?
bizarro: I am serious about this
deb_u: well I have a bi friend... he'd want to fuck you
bizarro: sorry I am straight
deb_u: I'd pay to see that
bizarro: each woman would have to pay $200 to see that
deb_u: $200? what? no senior citizen discounts?
bizarro: nope
bizarro: and a min of 3 women
bizarro: but if you want anything else other than watching him do that it is fre
bizarro: free
deb_u: what if I had like 25
deb_u: would we get a discount?
deb_u: group rate?
bizarro: yes 25 would be $50 each
deb_u: anything else?
bizarro: I will also give the girls oral sex
deb_u: really
bizarro: yes
deb_u: what if they had both sets of genetalia... Chicks with dicks. Would you blow them?
bizarro: no
deb_u: jerk them off?
bizarro: are you puttingme on?
deb_u: I do have a friend like that... no seriously
deb_u: she's a hermaphrodite
bizarro: ok well then if you have 25 women at $50 each then I will
deb_u: you'd jerk her off?
bizarro: yes
deb_u: do you have any friends that would come with you?
bizarro: sorry no
deb_u: so that they could eat her out while you are jerking her off?
deb_u: oh darn
bizarro: are you a dominant woman?
deb_u: yes
deb_u: haven't you seen my slavercize videos?
bizarro: no but I will obey you
deb_u: damn right
deb_u: or I'd kick your ass with a 4 inch spiked boot
bizarro: will you pee on me?
deb_u: only if i drank a lot of water
deb_u: what about shit? can I take a dump in your mouth?
bizarro: no
bizarro: only pee
deb_u: wh?
deb_u: why?
bizarro: shit is unclean
deb_u: oh
deb_u: ok
bizarro: pee is sterile
bizarro: but you can pee on me...
deb_u: so i could pee in your mouth?
bizarro: yes
deb_u: even if I ate asparagus?
bizarro: yes
bizarro: and you can have the other girls also pee on me
deb_u: kind of like bukake
deb_u: can my friend with the dick come in your hair?
bizarro: I have a shaved head
deb_u: oh... well in your back hair?
deb_u: do you have a big dick? Is it crooked? Are you circumsized?
bizarro: circumsized
bizarro: are you serious about doing this?
deb_u: <---thinking about it..serious
deb_u: so...dick size?
bizarro: 7" to 8" when hard
deb_u: that's all
bizarro: i eat pussy real good
deb_u: so as to compensate for lack of yardage?
bizarro: when you pee on me must I lick you clean?
deb_u: that would be good
bizarro: I will
deb_u: would you shave me?
bizarro: yes
deb_u: because I kind of have grown a big old afro down there... I can even make afro puffs
bizarro: lol
bizarro: anyway can we chat again
bizarro: I have to go
deb_u: why? big show
deb_u: a circus orgy?
bizarro: not now
bizarro: but I will do all I say
deb_u: ok... can we get pictures or videos in advance
deb_u: so I can "sell" it to my friends?
bizarro: only pics I have are in my profile
deb_u: you should make a video montage
deb_u: oh... I didn't see them
deb_u: I'll have to look
bizarro: do you want to meet me first and take some pics
bizarro: I really do have to go
bizarro: see you again on line.. bye
deb_u: ok... merry christmas
deb_u: with a whip
bizarro: lol
This will be the last bizarro I post. I don't think I can take anymore of him.
Quote:
bizarro: hi am back
[for some reason this totally sends me into a panic. I'm grossed out]
bizarro: I just ate a nice BBW
deb_u: how many calories in a BBW? As much as a big mac?
bizarro: lol... I think I burned calories
bizarro: if you like perhaps we can meet first before you plan your party
deb_u: I need to order some Tupperware too and a few strapons
bizarro: why the Tupperware?
deb_u: to save samples
bizarro: samples of?
deb_u: bodily fluids, hair, stool... pee... who knows? these parties can get sticky
bizarro: wow
bizarro: no shit for me though
deb_u: oh i forgot
deb_u: i'll make sheila wear diapers
bizarro: who is sheila?
deb_u: the shit fetish freak friend of mine
deb_u: she paints with it too
bizarro: oh....she is a freaky one
deb_u: she makes lots of money
bizarro: playing in her shit?
deb_u: yes, there are lots of people who buy her work
deb_u: she's very famous in NYC, I'm surprised you've never heard of her
deb_u: oh, she's totally serious
deb_u: I am going to go see one of her live performances
deb_u: it's called Strapons, Shit with Soccerboys, and Midgets
bizarro: She is here in Houston? so how many friends do you think will attend our first meeting?
deb_u: no, she'd come down
deb_u: well I am trying to get a few, but they want pictures
deb_u: how long do your shows normally last?
bizarro: pictures? I may have to wear a mask though so... it cannot incriminate me
bizarro: hours
deb_u: could you dress up like Batman or something?
bizarro: depends upon .... if you all are paying me
bizarro: I do not have costumes since I perform nude
deb_u: wouldn't something like this be illegal?
deb_u: I mean, Pat, she's a cop but she's kinky - she really likes to use handcuffs and stuff - mace even
deb_u: would you be willing to get maced?
bizarro: not sure about maced
deb_u: gagged and tied up?
bizarro: that is ok
bizarro: or you sitting on my face
deb_u: how can you breathe if a BBW is on your schnoz?
bizarro: I cannot
bizarro: so I have to move a little to get a breath
bizarro: and hold it
deb_u: how long can you hold your breath
bizarro: about 60 sec
deb_u: we need to work on that
bizarro: do you have these type of parties?
deb_u: no, never
deb_u: well... mostly we just get together and watch gay porn
deb_u: or Jaws
bizarro: I see..... Who is it that you get together with?
deb_u: usually girls friends of mine
deb_u: and a few guys
bizarro: well eliminate the guys and you can watch and play with me
deb_u: I want you to call me Mistress! I wanna kick your ass.
bizarro: I will & I will let you
deb_u: will you do situps for us?
bizarro: what do you call a situp?
deb_u: like marine corp style
deb_u: My other friend wants you to be her baby
bizarro: lying on my back and doing situps like working out - sure
deb_u: she likes it when you call her mommy and shit
bizarro: I will call her mommy but I will not call her shit
deb_u: lol
deb_u: well she really is lactating
bizarro: then if she wishes I will suck her milk
bizarro: or if you all want to watch she can squirt her breast milk on or in my mouth
deb_u: oh, that's another one for the Tupperware
deb_u: but just sucking...no teeth
bizarro: no teeth of course
bizarro: but you must command me or give your control of me to her...
deb_u: of course... you're my slave!
bizarro: so at least one of your girlfriends wants to come then... the one who is lactating?
deb_u: yes... i just sent her a link to your profile
bizarro: cool
bizarro: how old is she? and is she also a large woman?
deb_u: well...she's about 28. The only large thing on her are her boobs. Double EEs
bizarro: cool
deb_u: i'm curious... is this how you make your living or are you an accountant or something
bizarro: I am in sales.. and usually just do this for fun... not for money
deb_u: then why charge so much
bizarro: only because you wanted to watch a guy fuck me...
deb_u: oh
deb_u: so if no dick..we pay less?
bizarro: yes
deb_u: do you shave your balls?
bizarro: no
bizarro: and I will not
deb_u: why?
bizarro: I work out in the gym every day... and that is a gay thing
bizarro: and I am not gay
deb_u: well who is seeing your balls?
bizarro: all the guys we shower and walk around
bizarro: so no shaving of balls...
deb_u: yours must hang low then or something. Do you have elephantitus of the nuts?
bizarro: they hang low, but not the elephant thing...
bizarro: but not when I am hard
deb_u: I mean hairy balls are disgusting
bizarro: mine are not real hairy..
bizarro: just enough
deb_u: well it gets stuck in your teeth you know
bizarro: as your slave will you tell me to eat other women?
deb_u: but of course
deb_u: I'll hand you some ketchup
bizarro: ketchup?
deb_u: everything tastes better with ketchup
bizarro: I like the taste of pussy
deb_u: tastes like chicken?
bizarro: chicken dipped in pussy - sure
deb_u: I prefer some bbq sauce with my chicken
deb_u: so how many of these shows do you do a year?
bizarro: usually one a month
deb_u: oh, that's it
deb_u: how many were at the last show?
bizarro: one woman
deb_u: oh...
bizarro: biggest group was 13
deb_u: why don't you open up a club or something
bizarro: no because what I do is not legal in a club
deb_u: so then pat can't come? (the cop?)
bizarro: she can come... but there is no fee for services
bizarro: a donation to you.. and you give it to me... but no fee for my services...
bizarro: otherwise it is like prostitution
deb_u: well why do the rest of us have to pay then?
bizarro: look if no cocks are there... and it is all women then no fee for anyone
[aside] the below was my favorite line
bizarro: the only thing I would ask for is travel costs... like $25 for gas or something like that
deb_u: well what about Sheila?
deb_u: the hermaphrodite? she has a dick
bizarro: then if I am playing with he/she and you wish to watch then .. it will cost...
deb_u: hmmm...that doesn't see right
deb_u: it's not her fault she has a dick
bizarro: just as long as I don't have to play with it
bizarro: or let Sheila fuck me
deb_u: with her dick? Or her pussy?
bizarro: yes with her dick
deb_u: you'd take it... she's got a really big dick - like a friggin horse. Huge even.
bizarro: I am not going to do that without you all paying to see
deb_u: can we pay with Canadian money? Aimee's from Canada
bizarro: she can convert it...
deb_u: she'll lose money that way won't she
bizarro: no..
bizarro: the conversion to US Dollars is about $1.45 Canadian to $1.00 US Dollar
deb_u: oh...ok
bizarro: she needs to convert anyway to pay for anything here
bizarro: do you really wish to pee on me?
deb_u: well if I had the urge... if I drank a bunch of beer … maybe
deb_u: but my best friend... I know she likes to
bizarro: so you would tell me to receive her pee?
deb_u: but of course
deb_u: I would command you to
[at this point I was trying to figure out if this was really my best friend or one of you fuckers goofing with me as that was one of my first thoughts]
deb_u: you've seriously got to be kidding about these shows
bizarro: I am not kidding
deb_u: i don't believe you
bizarro: you will see...
deb_u: how?
deb_u: give my your phone number then. I want to call you
bizarro: when we meet
bizarro: call now?
deb_u: yes
bizarro: ok I am at work
deb_u: well just say something like... the fruit is in the kitchen or Dr Spock was always wrong
bizarro: so can you be discrete until I pick up?
[I so wanted to call and tell the receptionist that this guy is a total freak, but it never pays to piss off the weird]
bizarro: 713 *** **** then dial 112 and it will come to me
bizarro: your name?
bizarro: mine is Bob
deb_u: Santana
bizarro: ok Santana are you dialing?
deb_u: just a sec
deb_u: i have to close the door
bizarro: ok
bizarro: I do not hear a phone ringing?
deb_u: hang on
bizarro: if someone answers just ask for Bob
deb_u: someone is in here
bizarro: it not dial 112 during the message
bizarro: who is there?
deb_u: i'm at work
bizarro: Oh ok
[ok, so I reverse phone lookup this guy & find out it’s really a real business. This freaks me out. It’s not a friend fucking with me. I call from one of the engineer’s phones at work in case he has caller ID. I get the receptionist and ask for Bob. He answers “This is Bob. Hi Santana.” I quickly tell him that I have to go and hang up. I almost vomit]
deb_u: boss was lurking
bizarro: I understand
deb_u: anyway... i have to go. My husband is on his way to pick me up
deb_u: duty calls
bizarro: ok.. see you on line again sometime
bizarro: have a great holiday
I’m thinking I can’t find the iggy button fast enough.
But if you want his number PM me.
------------------------
This is why I like Mr. Maybe...
The above conversations are just a little too oogy for words. I was editing (changing the names) I tell Mr. Maybe to write me something romantic to take my mind of Bizarro freak and he immediately obliges me. It was one of the sweetest things.
I read it and my body immediately relaxes. Warm. Safe. Lovely.
This is the effect I'd like a man to have on me.
This is what I'm talking about people
Quote:
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4- to 8-year olds, "What does love mean?"
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So, my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis, too. That's love."
-- Rebecca, 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
-- Billy, 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
-- Karl, 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
-- Chrissy, 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." (this is my favorite)
-- Terri, 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
-- Danny, 7
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
-- Bobby, 7
"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
-- Jenny, 8
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
-- Tommy, 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
-- Cindy, 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
-- Clare, 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
-- Elaine, 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
-- Chris, 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
-- Mary Ann, 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
-- Lauren, 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
-- Karen, 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But, if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
-- Jessica, 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
I love you, man!
Oh, and for my readers who don't go to the off-topic forum... My new favorite Christmas song. (listen past the intro)
http://www.flemingandjohn.com/audio..._wonderland.mp3
Wheeeee.... It's a girl - Joy Lynn
My Sis #2 had her baby. I don't have any more details, but I'm soooooo excited. She's going to be the best dressed baby of all time because both Sis #1 and I have tons of girl clothes.
I told Zoe and she cried for 5 minutes. She said the baby's name was Rachel. (after Zoe's best friend). She was really mad.
-------------------
Ear infection. Zoe's got one. Antibiotics for 10 days. Here we go again.
-------------------
The above post does not count. I was totally delirious. I plead insanity.
I know not to rush things with Mr. Maybe. I made that mistake once in my life before and never again. If I ever get to meet him, I'm taking it slow. Either way, I think I've met a person who is the kind of friend you want to have.
I've written 2 posts that didn't quite work. I think it has to do with working on a computer that isn't mine and not being logged in or something.
Anyway... yipeeeee... I love baby girls!
P.S. Aimee and Lori, you are my secret sisters. I love you!
------------------------------
It makes my snatch hurt just thinking about it.
Joy was born all natural, no drugs - 10 pounds 4 ounces. 22 inches long.
Ouchie!
Ok, dammit. I'm loney and feeling all sorry-like. Don't PM me, it will just make me feel more like a loser.
1. Went to a party with lovely people. It was fun, but they are all married. Even if they are unhappily married, they still had someone to snuggle with in the hayride. Me, I sat with 3 freaking kids on my lap, freezing to death while trying to keep all of their hats on. (ok, it was beyond sweet because my sis's kids are truly my own "chirrin," but I was feeling all sorry for myself - there, I said it)
2. Zoe has the worst worst fucking ear ache. She has been fine all day at school, this morning, at the party, until just before we were going to leave the party. The 4 most dreaded words to me "Mommy, my ear hurts."
[background info]
I suffered for a year with Zoe's ear aches. Working all day after being up all night - literally every hour - yeah, her dad slept through it all, thanks Dickford. Round after round of antibiotics. Then finally some genius (me) was like can we fucking finally get this kid some ear tubes? She can't friggin hear and I'm a walking zombie. After tubes, earaches to a minimum. But they took the tubes out in July & we've had 3 miserable bouts.
3. Started talking to Mr. Maybe tonight. It was disjointed at best as I think he was busy. Earlier today, he was swamped at work, so I didn't take my own friggin advice and was talking to him, only to realize that Deb, you stupidass, he's busy. Not everyone has a slow week. Not everyone is addressing Christmas cards on the clock. I feel like an asshole.
Then tonight, just when we started connecting a little, Zoe woke up screaming bloody murder. I mean big time. I thought the neighbors would call CPS on me or sumpin. I gave her some tylenol in the car before we drove home, but obviously the pain must be unbearable for her not to be able to sleep. You can't OD them, so I have to wait about 2 1/2 more hours for another dose. Not to mention that her entire class did not nap today, so she's overtired and overstimulated. Basically I was really scared and wanted to talk to him (because omg, he's totally wayyyy cute and flirty and oh so fun), but he had to go & hell... my lil' Zoe needed me anyway. It just sucked. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Bad timing is all. Story of my life.
4. Now I'm awake as all get out. It's 1am and there's NO ONE around. I'm going to have a long long weekend because I will be babysitting from 3pm Sat to ?? on Sunday. We are spending the night at Sis #1s house. I love those kids with all my heart, but man, am I going to have a LONG weekend. No breaks for me. And because I'm going to be busy, no computer to talk to Mr. Maybe and my phone doesn't work there. Looks as if I won't get to talk to him for a while. Probably best so I can snap out of this funk.
5. I'm going to San Antonio for Christmas with my parents. I don't really want to drive, but Christmas here is just so lonely for me. My sister's have their own deals and having Christmas in my craptacular apartment just isn't heartwarming, no matter how many lights I hang up on our Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
We went to my parents house last year and it was sort of fun. I loved being with my parents and having Zoe in the middle of the attention, but I really really really (I mean REALLY) missed my brothers and sisters and I don't like the drive (4 hrs). It's like we have to rush back too for work. I'm also, you know, flyin solo. It's lonely. (reoccuring theme)
I long to have a Christmas like I did growing up. Living in a nice house, big tree, presents galore, great fun and having my family there. I'd love to have someone to share that with. Someone that I adored. Someone who adores Zoe too who would love to watch her open her presents and stuff. To share in that excitement with me. It's hard to get excited when I know that my only present will be a set of pans. (yay! nonstick!) Because it is like there is no one else to think about me when they pick out a present. I have no Beau. (or Bo or Bow or Beaux)
[aside]
Boo, fucking, hoo. Goddamn, if I felt any sorrier for myself I'd have a huge pile of shit on my head.
[aside over & I'm still whinin']
I love Christmas. I love the holidays. I grew up with a wonderful family and a very loving home. I miss them every day. I miss them.
[blatent solicitation to follow]
SINGLE MOM, WHITE (try ghostly white, dork), SEMI-CUTE OLDER VERSION OF MONICA LEWINSKY LOOK-ALIKE AND ADORABLE MINI ME THREE YEAR OLD SEEKS GOOD HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. THREE YEAR OLD IS POTTY TRAINED AND THE MOM IS JUST POTTY MOUTHED. SEEKING A FAMILY OF HER OWN SO SHE CAN STOP LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH OTHERS.
[gack, I'm a hack - I'm turning into freakish late night blogger]
back to the cheese:
And I can't ever imagine having a Christmas as special, dorky and amazing as the ones I had growing up.
Blah, blah, blah. I have a better chance of winning the lottery than to ever have what I'd want. Considering I don't play the lottery, I guess I'm fucked for both of those tickets.
I waver back and forth. I'm smart. A good catch. I'm a great person, a good mother, (I'm dead sexxxxxyyyy - say it like all Fat Bastard-ish), any guy would be lucky to ...
and the opposite wavering:
Duh, putz, you are a loser magnet. LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE YOU MARRIED!! Look at all those bastardos, I mean dates, that have stuck to you in the past two years. Obviously it can't ALL be them. So it's got to be ME!
DING DING DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER IN THE PITHY, WHINEY, SELF ABSORBED, SHIT-PILING CONTEST, FOLKS! WHAT IS HER LUCKY PRIZE TODAY, FRED?
WELL, FOLKS, DEB_U WINS A SHOVEL TO DIG HER WAY OUT FROM UNDER THAT MOUNTAIN OF CRAP SHE'S BEEN PILING ON HERSELF!! DING DING DING!!
[Man, I'm really a big old weirdo]
Mr. Maybe is just that. A pseudonym in my journal. He takes my breath away, but realistically it's just a dream, you know? 99.9999999999 (and then some) it won't work out. It's safer to dream about it. I get the feeling that he may feel that way too. I'm sure I scare him more than he scares me. Don't I scare you?
Some times I feel like I blew my luck. I was beautiful and married stupidly and am carrying around more baggage than Cher at her Final, fucking forever, (no really, this time she means it) Farewell concert. I have a child that I'm abnormally attached to. (I mean, damn, I miss that baby every minute of every day) I don't get out much - see I'm home alone AGAIN on a Sat night at 2:30 am and there hasn't been a man within, well let's just say I should have my pussy sewn shut before it grows cobwebs.
I'm still beautiful, but in the "you have a great personality and pretty eyes" way. Seriously, it's hard to feel beautiful when the most action you get is through a computer screen. Sometimes you just want some up close and personal validation.
[warning, stupid realization moments ahead]
Sometimes you just want someone to cut you a break and say, hey! You are really awesome and I want to be there beside you.
Sometimes you just want Mr. Maybe to not be a dream.
Sometimes you just want to ownahouseandshareabedandhaveahealthykidandajobthatyoulikeandalittleextramoneytotakeavacati on.
Sometimes you just want to be able to recognize the many positives in your life and the greatness you are ALL at the same time.
Sometimes, oh fuck ... you know me. You get the picture already. And no, I'm not going postal, I'm just tired. Ok, I promise to get some sleep so you can have something a bit more uplifting to read again.
I guess just hearing my child cry for 45 minutes, knowing she was in agony, and holding her and not being able to do anything for her just broke me tonight. It makes you feel truly vunerable.
But she's asleep. Still, my own demons want someone to hold me too. It may not be able to cure my ills, but it would help me to be well I think.
Goodnight Mr. Maybe, wherever you are.
I should never be allowed to write when tired or hungover. Nice sentiment, but it is so gushy it makes me want to barf. Nice guess btw, B_E_G. You are very intuitive.
NY on hold. They taxed the crap out of my bonus & it's about $200 less than I thought. I also got dinged (will get dinged) by some bank fees because I wrote a check (FUCKING AGAIN) for Zoe's dad's share of the daycare. It cleared and a few other items cleared at the same time & I will now be charged $90 in fees. Dammit, it's all in the order of how my items hit my account - the bonus & my paycheck cleared after these 3 small items. I mean I was only like -$20. But 3 items went in the red at $30 a piece. I had a check in my purse I forgot to deposit too for some holiday stamps for the work Christmas cards. Yay... Merry Fucking Christmas.
----------------------
Zoe's dad's tab is starting to add up. I wonder if it would be worth it to go all out divorce & have his share of the daycare automatically taken out.
pros
I would get my money
He wouldn't count on me covering his ass
I wouldn't have to cover his ass
I wouldn't have to argue with him over this shit
I wouldn't have to face the daycare owner (and be humiliated) because we owe her money
I really seriously think he's doing drugs or gambling & is losing his money (a friend of ours sold him some cookies for his kids school & she told me his check bounced) I don't need to deal with his crap anymore.
cons
I would have to start on my own insurance plan at work - it sucks & is expensive - about the same amount as what he gives me, so it would all cancel out.
The insurance plan from my job is really bad. Big out of pocket expenses and they don't cover as much of my preventative care for diabetes (eye checks, blood work)
anyway, I need to get ready for work. I was just checking out my bank account.
I hope this day gets better.
I'm sure it has to
Hungover and trying to pretend to work. Impossible.
We had our Christmas party last night and it was soooo goofy. Dinner theater. It was like the choir rejects show. It was only fun because I took Lara (my former asst. editor) as my date. We laughed our asses off. Lara was ridiculously funny. Great Merciful Jesus, get me out of here. (this from a Hindu.) They all belonged on the Love Boat.
We then went to a bar and I had several Rolling Rocks. Our client got plastered and was all lecherous to Lara [she was awesome & was totally bitchy & snarky to him] and he was all weird and complimentary to me (he usually never talks to me). Weird but fun. This is why I am dehydrated.
Why I’m tired is another story.
Stayed up until 3am talking on the phone. Thanks to Mr. Phistin Butikus I am tired. He made up the name, but I personally like to call him Mr. Maybe. Mr. Maybe is to remain a bit of a mystery for now. I always jinx myself and it’s too soon and he’s too far away to be Mr. Right or even Mr. Right now. But he’s got amazing potential. Fantastic, unreal potential. This is why I don’t want to jinx it because in person he may think I’m a total troll. Online, to him anyway, I’m beautiful, wonderful and sexy. In person I think I’m the same, but sometimes guys just have no idea. I’m invisible. Troll city. Oh well, beauty is in the eye…
[aside]
Internet dating (which is all I seem to do lately – ok, fuck, well not lately, no dates for a while) is weird. So much flirting. So sexy. Potential. Spooked. And then you meet and sometimes, most times, there just isn’t any spark whatsoever. And that’s ok. I don’t get my feelings hurt. But sooo much flirting beforehand. It can lead to big disappointment.
[aside over – back to Mr. Maybe]
He’s a NYer. He spooks me. Charming, smart, witty, and quite lovely. Sexy and sweet. Romantic. Really really amazing.
I just got a bonus, and if it would not freak him out too much, I am thinking about coming up to NY. I also want to come see some of the improv shows and perhaps meet up with some of my regulars. I would really like to meet them. Lara said she wants to come, so it would be double trouble. I think we may go anyway. I love New York. So if you have some space, and want to put us up, lemme know. I’ll buy you dinner. (insert *)
Anyway, he does spook me to no end. In a roller coaster good way though.
BOO!
Too tired to finish. I’m Drunk With Love**
* that is unless Mr. Maybe wants me in his place mmmmm sexy
**refers to Ellen Gilchrist’s book by the same name
Two words for next Christmas = Advent calendar
IS IT CHRISTMAS YET
IS SANTA COMING
I WANT SANTA TO BE HERE
IS IT CHRISTMAS YET
IS SANTA BRINGING MY BIKE
I WANT TO GO TO MOMO'S FOR CHRISTMAS
IS IT CHRISTMAS YET
WHERE'S SANTA
-------------------
Note to Mike Myers...don't make any more "kids" movies. Jokes about a dirty ho and the acronym for shit have no place in a Dr. Seuss movie.
You ass fucker.
-------------------
Zoe's dad stood us up again. He has a "cold." Yeah, and I won the friggin lottery.
She knew he was doing this too.
For future police/FBI reference: Again...dead, but I would never be the one. He's fucked over so many chicks now, I'd be among an infinite number of suspects. But IT WASN'T ME.
That was for you j-man.
-------------------
Zoe somehow saw a version of Cat in the Hat at school. She mentioned something about how she saw his butt. I had now idea what she was talking about until today when we saw the movie.
Scene where Myers is pretending to be a mechanic. He bends over and bam... there's his ass.
Zoe shouts "SEE MOMMY, I TOLD YOU!!" and "I TOLD YOU YOU COULD SEE HIS BUTT!!"
bahahahaha it was really funny because it was so quiet.
We had a really nice day today though. I had some sushi delivered (she eats ramen noodles with choppy sticks) and we spread out some newspaper in my room and had a picnic while watching Trading Spaces. Zoe loves the "homey show."
[aside]
Is Hildy smoking crack? Cardboard? On the walls? WTF? I'd want to kick her ass. That was so fucking ugly.
[aside over]
Zoe started acting up a bit. So I pulled out the "I'm going to call Santa and have him put you on the naughty list" thing on her. She freaked out and was crying and sobbing and was like..."sowwy mommy. I be a good girl now." I talked with Santa and told her that he said for her to start listening to mommy. Later, she was nice and helped pick up our picnic so I called him back (yeah, I phoned my office actually) and said she was being really really good. She started jumping all around and stuff. It was cute.
Anyway, I'm too dang tired. Keep writing my friends.
L D, I love you girl and you know it.
And I'm going to hell because Zoe loves MTV and the Wild Boys. "Oh my God, the Wild Boys." Seriously ... she friggin loves loves them. "Oh my God, it's an op-po-pus."
I ate some cookie dough too. I'm going to hell.
I'm so bummed. I bought Zoe a red tricycle (the old school kind) and she now says she wants some multi-colored bike. I have absolutely no idea what she is talking about and I really don't want to go return the tricycle.
Oh well. Maybe she'll at least like the Dora underwear I bought her.
--------------------
IT SHOULD NOT BE 75 DEGREES IN DECEMBER. I didn't even wear a coat today. That totally sucks. I know you all are freezing your asses off, but it's better than sweating in this humidity. December dammit.
---------------------
I was sick last Friday and I actually called in. For once I really did feel horrible. I ran a few errands Zoe-less and it was kind of nice. I rested and read this terrible document for work.
Sunday was a big day. I didn't babysit all weekend, and gosh, I find myself truly missing my "family" No matter how hard it is for me, it's so nice to see my sister and her husband and kids. They really do take care of me even though I'm supposed to be taking care of them. I think my family is the only reason I haven't had a horrible time splitting up with my husband. They are there for me.
back to Sunday...
Zoe and I broke out our Christmas decorations. My tree looks a bit like the Charlie Brown tree (it's a fake). It's only about 3 feet tall. We decorated it and hung up some lights from the windows. It looks all crappy, but Zoe thinks it's magical.
This is why, no matter how sorry I feel for myself, I just remember my Zoe and how it is my job to make Christmas special for her.
----------------------
My dad dresses up as Santa for Christmas. Last year we saw him and Zoe totally knew it was him. "Christmas Paw Paw wears a red dress."
She asked me the other day if Paw Paw was going to be Santa again.
Dammit. She's only 3.
Ok, back to work. I'm here late again tonight because I'm too cheap to pay for the $9 parking. If you stay past 6:45 or so, you don't have to pay.
Is it Christmas yet? (asked to me like 150 times yesterday)
My friend, Soccerboy, and I dragged our (ok, my) lazy asses to the gym last night. I didn't feel as out of shape as I thought I would, although I'm sure everyone thinks that I'm near death after my workouts cause my face gets so red. He was very cool to meet up with me. We are going to continue this. Even if it is a pain in the ass. I'm going to get back into the swing of things. (Especially since the membership costs me $50 a month & I wasn't going)
GO DEB! GO SOCCERBOY! GO DEB! GO SOCCERBOY!
----------------
Zoe's dad (I nearly typed his name) owe's me a fuckload of money now. (like $500) I covered his daycare costs for this week and what he owed as back late fees. It's totally embarrassing to face the daycare owner, but she's so cool. I'm sure he's not the only asshole out there that doesn't want to pay up.
He was supposed to pay on Tuesday when he picked Zoe up. I phoned him Wednesday morning and he didn't return my calls. Finally I got him and he said he didn't have the money. He said his apartment got broken into and they stole his stereo and $300 which was rent/daycare money. Oh. Motherfucker. How convenient. Why didn't they steal all the other crappy electronic stuff he has there - portable CD player (Zoe's - he took it back), many many CDs, etc.?
He had told me that he was calling his parents to borrow the money. I told him I didn't give a shit where he got it from. He also told me that he was going to borrow some from a friend at work. That he would bring it by my office (because on Wed. it's already late). He never called again and wasn't returning my calls/pages.
So last night, I phoned his mom to see if she actually was going to pay. She said she hadn't heard from him in days. Yeah, burgled. Whatthefuckever. He wouldn't know the truth if it was a big pair of fake tits in his face.
So today he sends me this note:
Quote:
so you want to call my mother up and tell her all this bullshit so pich (sic) her up yourself today
translation for those of you who don't speak asshole:
I have to pick Zoe up today even though it's his day & I need to work late and he's pissed off that his mom told him not to be such a dick.
I couldn't help myself so I sent him the following Debbitch:
Quote:
Fine. Whatever.
Maybe if you weren't such a pussy momma's boy, I wouldn't have to call her to try to get money from you.
I'll pick her up.
You are the type of man who takes it out on their kids when you don't like their mom. I'm nice to Zoë no matter what an asshole I think you are.
That's the difference between being a parent and being a loser.
I've said it before & I'll put it in writing. I just wish he'd die. I don't want to kill him or for him to die horribly or anything. I just wish he was gone so we could get his insurance money. So I don't have to fight and put up with his bullshit all the time. And so Zoe would never have to find out what a complete asshole her dad is. We could just pretend he was some soldier who died heroically in the war or something. Or got eaten by a shark. That would be cool.
I will never get any of that money back. This is why I don't really buy Zoe any gifts for Christmas. She gets it from me year round.
----------------------
I still suck because I miss Dr. E.
But I don't suck as bad because I went to the gym!
Yee haw. Time to go home.
I still hate this place without Lara, but then again, you already know that.
Tricks are for kids.
Quote:
hey there, what's going on baby gurl?...well i got the full package baby you know, that's why every one want me you know anyways, concerning the pictures, i really don't have any i wish i could of show them all to you sweety, and i just want to say that you are cute and i wanted to have a special day with you, would you like? so i;m waiting for you !! kisses!!
A reply to my singles ad.
Should I? Should I not? I could have a "special" day with him....
Oh jeez. Why can't I meet someone nice... like at church or something?
maybe it's because I haven't gone to church in ages...or God is mad at me. I wish I knew better.
I'm getting a new set of pans for Christmas. I know I should be excited but I'm not. I can't seem to remember any gifts given to me for several years now. (except for this pretty pink beaded picture frame from Lara for my birthday & a red teddy bear from Dr. E for Valentines)
Just for once I'd like something pretty. I think it's because I'm entirely too hard to shop for.
Things I think I might like & not necessarily for Christmas... I'm just thinking aloud you know (yeah, I think... that's why no one can buy shit for me because I don't even really know for sure)
a massage or a facial - I've never had one. I have great skin, but I know I could use a massage. I don't think my muscles could be any tighter.
flowers - I'm a girly girl. I miss getting flowers
Some new CDs. My music is a bit outdated.
Movie Gift Certificates - I love going to the movies, but rarely go.
Pretty earrings - my ex used to spend crazy amounts of money on little tiny tiny gold earrings & stuff. I hate to be ungrateful, but I'm a big person. These little trinkets look stupid on me. He got me this necklace that was so small Zoe could wear it. If he had spent $300 on fake stone jewelry, he could probably bought me 10 pairs (vs. 1 stupid pair I will never wear)
Some shoes and clothes. Purchased in the new millineum. I'm wearing shoes today that are like seven years old. Fuck that's old.
I'm so fucking selfish.
I want to buy Zoe a tricycle, a few barbies & clothes, some new books, some video/learning games for the computer and some new clothes and shoes for her. But I won't. I give her Christmas all year round. I may buy a few things, but not more than $20 worth of stuff. She needs a booster seat for the car because she's getting too tall. So I'm going to save up for that.
this is it. Back to this fucking boring ass work. I don't have shit to write today.
Happy holidays. They suck already.
----------------------
P.S. Dizzy - damn girl... hang in there. I'm glad you are alive. Sheesh - you and Digital Carpenter are out to kill yourselves.
Aimee - all is good. Read away.
L D - damn girl, we miss you. It's unanimous (shit I can't spell)
Soccerboy - I'll be there tomorrow. 7:30 - no backing out. I'll be tired as shit, but I'll be there. Watch out suckers, we are headed to the gym.
Mr. Butt Boy...
has lovely arms and is a nice kisser.
That's all I'm gonna say about that. Mostly because there isn't any more to say.
This boy is not in my future, but would be a nice diversion.
----------------------
WORK SUCKS WITHOUT LARA. IT COULD NOT BE ANY MORE BORING. I hate walking by her desk.
----------------------
Babysat Wed. night, Friday night and all day Sunday. I love those kids, but dang I'm tired.
I had Zoe and her cousin Wednesday night. I tried to get them to sleep in the living room in sleeping bags, but they weren't having any of that. Needless to say, they wen't to sleep well after 10:30pm. And I was the only one who didn't get any zzzzzzzzzz's. King size beds still aren't big enough for crazy sleeping 3 year olds.
I took them to the Thanksgiving parade on Thursday morning to see my sister. She looked so awesome. I can't believe she didn't win. She rocks anyway. I wish she had won though. The kids loved her and had a great time at the parade.
Zoe wants a tricycle.
-------------------------
Dangit, I miss L D. Sorry computer sucks.
Ok, too much fucking work to do.
I still hate it here, but at least the premonitions of my death have stopped. What the fuck was that all about?
And I still am in the dumpers. Don't know why.
Still missing Dr. E. The fucker. He's messed me up for a long, long time methinks.
Back to work you slackers.