I am about half way on archiving my old journal. I feel like I am betraying myself somehow if I start writing in this new journal before this task is completed. I'm up through December 2003.
Some of these entries are so hard to even read. Some bring back some terrific memories and others bring back some trying days. Mostly they are causing me to miss Dr. Egypt (recap - he was my lover/boyfriend/I don't fucking know what to call him - for about 9 months. He moved to Pennsylvania and is now a tortured resident surgeon. I have no idea if he misses me. He periodically calls me and says he misses me horribly. I know he can't miss me anywhere near as much as I miss him. The fucker!)
Anyway, I'm attempting to categorize them as I go so that the big pervs can skip to all the sex and poems and go wack off while thinking about my lips or my ass or whatever they think about. Have at it boys (and girls???)
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*sniff sniff*
The sweaty soccer player has now gone by the wayside. I don't know what it was, but I have a feeling he's otherwise engaged. He could not act more like a married man. Subversive phone calls. Late night meetings. Weird schedule. Weirdness overall. I don't think I'll ever know. He's still cuteness personified though.
I have no idea. After kissing him for the last time, I'd even be tempted to sleep with him regardless. He's just fucking sexy as hell. There is something totally hot about kissing a man as beautiful as that. Kissing him and feeling him get hard right off. Mmmm. A perfect body. Seriously. Feeling his hands all over you. Touching him. That was some serious heat. Man. I want to kiss like that every day. Whoever gets stuck with me will kiss me like that. That is a certainty.
Unfortunately someone has other plans for me. And my lips.
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[aside]
deja vu. Jailbait boy that pursued the heck out of me last November was online for the first time in AGES last night. He sent me an IM right when I archived the journal entry about him. Woah!
He still wants to fuck. I might, but I have to make him pay a bit for telling me that I was old (ok, he didn't quite say that, but, well he compared it to being with his auntie after we made out like crazy).
Now he's like... I'm so sorry, baby. I'm hot for you! GAK! hahahaha. Does anyone but me find this funny? And kind of spooky/weird.
He's a little sexyass that one!
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Who knows? I might just use my lips tonight *Deb puts on devil horns*
On other fronts, I have a date. I'm meeting a cutiepie for a drink tonight. He's funny and cute. I hope that I like him, and that he can see past the ugly outfit I am unfortunately wearing today, and the roots that have now grown on my head. (which will change tomorrow thanks to my sexysexy friend, Crazy. She's a fab hairdresser, so we plan on a makeover of sorts tomorrow)
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I miss my old journal friends, but they have long forgotten me. But I don't miss the stupidasses there.
*warning - here comes the patented debbitch*
And the cunt and her man. I can write about them all I want now. They are just supremely fucked up. And what sad bitches. Man. Get a life. Stop freakin on me, ya twats! *ewww report me to the fascist forum police* How gay is that?
If your new relationship is so awesome, why do you give a shit what I write? Since I'm such a LOSER? Why do you have to try and talk shit in your gayass journal, cuntgirl? You're the one that told us all that horrible personal stuff about yourself. No one told you to describe your clit ring. Or your cancer or your fucked up molestation shit (well your boyfriend spilled that to me) Weirdo.
I wasn't even writing about them anymore when I got banned. Seriously, I wasn't. It is fucking funny to me. Oh well. I'm not going back. They were dicks and now they rule the forum. Yay! I'm the king of an ... obscure boring forum. I'm ... er ... um ... cool?? I can hurt you with my *words.* I can talk shit about Aimee. And say how much I hate the French. And now my dorky girlfriend is posting all up my ass. She could not have less of a mind of her own. (You know he's just regurgitating all the stuff we did/talked about don't you? Brendan Benson. Ice cream, etc.) Gayasses. Have at it ya big queers!
I'm lovin my new life and my new sassy, sexy friends. I hope to make my new journal fun. So you don't get bored to death.
I am going to happy hour tomorrow night. Zoe's staying at her dads (ug!) I hope to get happy and to kiss someone.
Will that someone be you?
You just never fucking know, now do you?
An old email dated March 2004 I found while cleaning out my mailbox. It still rings true.
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Dearest Dr. E,
Where have you been? Why is it that I miss you so much? Soon it will have been an entire year since I have seen your face. One year. And in this time I miss you every day.
I was sad you did not call me again before I came to New York. I figured you only said you'd call out of your sleep deprivation. I wanted to see you and at the same time I didn't want to see you. It hurts too much.
Tonight I sat on my porch and smoked this horribly old cigarette I found on top of my refrigerator. I sat and watched the stars and thought of you. I feel the hole in my heart. The spot that is yours that makes me think of you and miss you terribly.
I watched an airplane and the temptation to call you became so great. I thought to steal away and move everything to be where you are. To give up on it all here and come and see you just once again.
I've got to stop listening to this sad music. It makes me depressed.
I love what we had, Maha. I loved every minute of it. The sadness of knowing that you'd once leave me. The heartache of loving you when you couldn't possibly be loved. And the joy of it all. Your smile. Your face. Making love with you and knowing that my body belonged to you. How it fit with yours so perfectly. How you made me laugh when I came and laying there with you exhausted, hardly being able to breathe. Utter wonder.
I don't know where you are. Or how you are doing. Or why it all must be so hard and impossible. All I know is that life without you is life without much joy.
Please please please. I must see you. I must kiss you again. Please don't forget me.
With Love and Adoration
- D
I can't figure out what the fuck to say, so for now, I'll just say hi.
Hi and thanks to Sarah. She's a peach. I absolutely adore her. She set up the debsite after I got banned from my old journal by a bunch of fascists. Some dumb shit going on there.
So welcome. Welcome to the inside of my head.
I curse a lot. Just thought I'd warn you.
And I love you all. But especially you! And you. And you too.
deb_u_taunt
Queen of the Universe
Bitch Extraordinaire and Extreme Cuntess
see. there. I said it, you fuckers!
CUNT
now get over it already. I have much love to share.
Ok. I got banned.
And honestly, it really didn't have anything to do with anyone around here. Bad home situation with the ex and some other stuff on a local dating site & a friend of mine who got dissed by this guy. But that won't matter to anyone around here.
So long, and thanks for listening.
I can't believe they edited out the dirty words even. Weird.
Peace and be well. Keep on regulating.
Love to you all. And even you.
Deb_u_taunt2003
Quick post. Sad sad day.
Couldn't take Zoe to school. Zoe has gooky eye. Don't know if it's pinkeye, but they gave her drops at the doctors.
I had to go to work for an hour. Zoe got there and asked, "Why isn't Lara here, mom?"
Got a checkup. She's perfect. Weighs 39.5 lbs and is 41.5 inches tall. I'm grateful.
She got 4 shots and it made me cry too. I've never seen her that sad and howling so much. Now she's limping and saying, "I got my leg broken."
Lara's friend's six month old baby died. She choked or something. It made me cry to hear it. How horribly sad. I will say some prayers for them and for Baby Lily.
I'm off to yet another church meeting. I have to bring Zoe with me which will be entirely counterproductive. Pot luck.
Life is always a bit of pot luck.
On a local forum here in Houston, I got picked to be one of five dates for the forum's "Bachelor." hahahahahahaha
I'm going for the most dorky date. I just am going for the fun of it as he's a hilarious dude. I think we will have a blast, but I have to think of something fun.
I'm open to suggestions. So far all I have is fake tattoos (he has real ones so this isn't as fun for him) and Assholeworld (aka Astroworld).
I don't know. Usually my dates are dinner, movie and sex. Not always in that order. Heh.
This is not that kind of date, but I don't want it to be boring. I have to be creative, damnit.
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Zoe has pinkeye. I have no antibiotic drops, as it's been ages since she got it. But she used to get it all the time at this school when she went there before. Damn damn damn. At the school that is now defunct, the kids used to come home all clean. They'd wash their hands and brush teeth and hair and stuff. She is so funky every day now. Why they gotta be like that?
I think I'll have to take her to work because there are a few things I absolutely have to do tomorrow. Her doc is right by there, but I don't have my new insurance cards yet. Grrrrrrrr. Our HR group sucks it.
Fucking nasty kids. Wash your hands dammit.
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My magic word for today is CHUT. That one is for Lara. I miss you, ya big goober. Don't be a Chutiya choo-tia and come see us, will ya? (gak!)
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Guess what that means? Why does that not surprise anyone?
I love you, you sexy motherfuckers.
And yes, I'm reading and praying for you all. You're hurting my heart. But I love you nonetheless.
This one is going to remain private. And not for the reasons you all suspect.
Well, he's just too beautiful to share.
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Had a dinner party tonight with some people I met on a local forum. We went to Happy Hour on Friday night and I had a great time. I danced my ass off, and got my ass grabbed a bit. I still don't know how I feel about it, but it was funny nonethelesss.
It was nice to hang out with some normal people for a change. And they weren't all attention whores. Or all trying to out-funny eachother.
tonight was my first dinner party in literally like 10 years. None of my plates match, all my glasses were either plastic and we had to unwrap the wine glasses. They were teasin me all night, but they all had the best time. Zoe had a great time. I sure can freaking cook when I want to. They all liked it.
I think I'm kind of shitfaced actually.
Great great red wine someone brought. You all know how much I love to write when drunk. It's always borderline dangerous.
There is a guy that I can call if I want some ass. (not the English soccer player) Did you all know that? He's fucking gorgeous too. A complete stud. I haven't had the need to call him and on the night I should have (last night). I actually stayed home, ordered sushi, did some Debmaintenance (facial, hair, shaving, nails, etc) and watched SNL. It was funny but I passed out.
Sad when you can't stay up for some dick.
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My magic word for today is CUNT.
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Why does that not surprise anyone?
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Congrats LD on the job front. I hope they stop messin with you though!
I just ate some garlic/sundried tomato spread on some bread. I think I'm going to have some fucked up wild dreams tonight.
Lemme get to sleep so I can get right on that.
I miss your asses. And you. But mostly your asses.
A man should not be allowed to be that fucking sexy. Or that pretty.
date. lovely. amazing. 2nd date tomorrow. sexy sexy motherfucker. Is the most beautiful man I have ever kissed in my life. Is the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life. Holy fuck.
That is the kind of man you wish would love you for the rest of your life. This is why I can't date him. He's too gorgeous for me.
and shut up. the date ended at 9:45. I had to get Z baby.
Off to write. this one may remain private. Unlike the rest of my lame ass life.
Not just one, but a pair. A pair of matching cunts.
I'm sitting here wondering why we can't go home early. We usually do the day before a holiday.
The last thing that was in my clipboard.
http://www.lestercat.net/images/boom.jpg
mandel, I love you chick. Woah is my my world right now.
Mom has a few nights off. I think I may have to come visit you!
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I won't remember writing this, but that's ok. They are all the part of me I don't know or understand anyway.
please
don't hang up
I want for that voice
I need it this late night
to feel connected as
I can only imagine
you saying wicked
wicked
things to me
as you watch me
unglue you
do you
or do you
this wanting is
delicious yet
nearly painful
nearly
My imagination
is overactive
as are certain
parts of my body
that I feel you touching
in my head
but want so
out of my head
these breasts these
thighs this skin these curves
dangerous and soft
sexy soothing seeking
breathing breathless
touching tasting
taunting haunting
those are the lips
I want to kiss
and lick and whisper into
my mouth as you
fuck me
I need you
near
nearer
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you must have the most perfect thighs. I hope to be able to find this out.
Go to sleep you freak poet. No more kiwis. Don't you remember that Spank-ed up class lesson that El Jefe taught?
Anticipation.
HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS, BURNSY.
I hope to toast you. Soon. At your wedding in Austin. Gak!
Make it happen, man! You're no spring chicken. (kiddin', you baby)
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yo! Shout out to Coop. A random person that found my journal. Read the entire thing today - the whole fucking thing. And then was brave enough to send me a message. That is random, but cool.
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Oh. Soccerboy isn't the sweaty soccer player. Soccerboy isn't English. He's sexy too, but I'm not gonna jump him anytime soon. Besides, Soccerboy (my workout partner, y'all) likes skinny chicks with big, fake boobies.
Sweaty soccer player. Yes. Maybe. If he keeps calling me. Holy hell. That accent. I need to move to London. Those men. Wow. I have a Zoe-less weekend, so someway, somehow, getting laid might be on the itinerary. Well at least kissing. Kissing would be good. Kissing would be great.
Don't know what's up for this weekend. I'd like to see B again, but we may have kid issues. Seeing a movie with him was the cutest. Like a high school date all snuggly and stuff. I like that. I like him.
Oh well. Who knows, I may bag out and just have a non-boy-mom weekend and go to the salon or something. I need a massage and a pedicure anyway.
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Dr. E called me. And no, it doesn't make a difference, Soccerboy, damn you. I still miss him. I will always miss him. I will always love him.
He didn't get his 2nd year residency in Houston, even though he scored the highest in his program. He's staying in Pennsylvania and is still miserable. He hates the cold. I hate the heat. I need to be near him. I need him.
I don't know how I feel about this.
[Carrie Bradshaw moment]
Can you move forward with your life if your past keeps pulling at you?
I want to move on. I like dating. I like meeting new people and beginning to have a social life.
But they all seem so temporary.
I have made some great friends, like B, and I really enjoy their company, but I feel sometimes my heart just isn't in it. That connection is there sometimes, but I literally ache sometimes for Dr. E. His voice. His touch. His smile. And the way that he made me feel. Like I was the most amazing woman on the planet. Like I was sexy and fuckable and beautiful and he was so kind. So giving. So sexy. Romantic. Leaning over to kiss me at dinner. Dancing with me in my living room. Laying down on his couch to watch tv and stroking my hair and being silent and laughing.
B can make me feel that way. He's the most generous person. Like a light glows from him. He makes me laugh. And he's my friend. But I'm just so scared of getting involved. With him. With anyone.
I think this is why I'm on the prowl. I can't commit. I've turned into an asshole. I can't care. My heart is elsewhere.
When I talk to Dr. E, it's like he is mine again. And I'm his. He never acts like we are broken up. Or that there is a distance. Like his not calling me is all perfectly normal or something.
I still remember him seeing me for the first time and remarking, "Oh. You are so pretty." Genuinely surprised and happy. He hugged me. And I was his from that moment on. My mind. My body. Belonged to him. Sadly sometimes, it still feels that way.
He's going to Egypt for 10 days to visit his family. He says he will call when he gets back and is going to send for me to come see him for an entire weekend.
I will believe it when I get my plane ticket. :mope:
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Ah. Sweaty Soccer player. I'd like to lick his sweat. After he makes me come a dozen or so times.
I'm outtie.
Gym bound, you bitches!
Someone who had an anonymous number called my cell phone this morning at 7:04 am. They didn't hang up, but didn't speak and didn't phone back.
I said, "oh, thanks for the wake up call, but I'm already awake." Held on for a sec, then I hung up.
That kind of weirds me out as not that many people have my number and not many of them have anonymous numbers. I suspect (like D. Chappelle show) that one of these new guys has a woman who was checking their caller ID?
Weird. Weird.
Keep yer bitches in check, boys.
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sexy sexy
you fucking sexy
soccer playing
bastard
that accent
makes me want to rip
off your sweaty clothes
and completely have my way
with you
you could read
a goddamn menu and it
would make me wet
today is one of those days
where I'd like to go home
and screw away the afternoon
fucking you and destroying
each other in the most
delicious ways
let me let me
let me have this one
pretty please
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Awesome weekend. Tired and I want my hour back.
I'm off for more caffeine.
Burns. Minou. I love you both :inlove:
Just wanted to say that
Ok, I'll fess up. Y'all are killin' me here you April fools!
I blew Shit Storm.
in a dream last night. Hey, they are all pretty foxy, no?
Goddamnit, how could you NOT know that was a joke? You know I don't hate you!! Regardless, if I am pregnant with the demon spawn, I would abort that little fucker as fast as I am able.