I haven't been updating much.
But here is the latest. I'm a sad sack of shit right about now.
From another entry I wrote somewhere in fucking left of Bosnia.
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I just cried in my office for the first time in over a year.
I have a love/hate relationship with my new doctor. I know he's trying to help, but I know that I just need a fucking break from my life in order to fix all the fuckups in my world, my health right now.
Well I'm 37, but my body is 21304810348 years old. And I'm not talking dog years.
This stress is killing me. Literally. For the first time in my life my health situation is very critical. I know what to do, but I can't figure out how to do it.
The one thing I need is a vacation, and I have over 3 months before I can take a paid day off. (crosses fingers I don't croak before then).
I have never had high blood pressure before. I do now. My blood sugar was higher than when I first found out I had diabetes. (we are talking in the 400 range). My triglycerides are nearing 800, and my A1c test was 8.6 (It's an average of what your blood sugar levels have been for a three month period - it should be near the 5 range - um, trust me. 8.6. That's really bad).
So far no kidney damage, but I have noticed my eyes are wacked out a bit. My body is taking it's revenge on me for stressing it so much. I'm a "stroke/heart attack waiting to happen" my doctor told me.
Oh yeah. I'm a diabetic. All of this is a daily thing for me, but it's never been to this extent before.
What it boils down to is that I need to figure out how to get back to the gym and reduce my stress level. Which is not happening anytime soon.
It's nearly 6pm and I'm still at work. My sister got my kiddo for me, but I just finished up, yetfuckingagain, a last minute document for my boss. He's a good guy, but he has the lastminute-itis like nobody's business.
This has happened to me at least 6 times in a month. I don't have squat to do for 3-4 days, then I rush and stress to get something out. There's no need for it. Especially since they hired a second editor. Bad thing is that they don't give her any work, and when they have work, it's always on my shift - the late shift. The fuck you Debby, we don't care if you have to find alternate daycare pickup, stress your ass out shift.
I had my checkup with my endocrinologist this morning and he wanted to freaking hospitalize me. I told him that wasn't an option since I didn't have anyone to watch my daughter for me. (Cheffy is still at his Mom's ranch fixing hurricane damage & I'd never ask him to do that anyway). Not to mention, I have heard of way too many cases where someone goes in to the hospital for something that isn't critical, but dies anyway due to some nasty hospital-inflicted infection.
I had mentioned my appointment to my boss (he's borderline diabetic, so he is almost the same boat as me.
On his way out, after he ensured his stuff would be handled, he said, "Debby you really need to take care of yourself." I couldn't get the "yeah, maybe if you didn't stress me out with your last minute-ness, I'd not have some of the issues I have right now."
I literally feel like I'm about to implode. Yay for my new private office, because I went in there, closed the door, finished assembling this big bastard document, and bawled silently to some Jimmie Vaughn.
And we just moved downtown, so I'm still trying to figure out UPS deadlines, where everything is, which copy machine can handle 600 pages x 10 copies without crapping out. And how to get around the place (big time security in this building).
Oh yeah. They have rats here too. Nice.
Then there's the little teeny weeny tiny matter of being about $550 short on my rent. Which has never happened to me in over 15 years of renting apartments. All this is due to the bank fees/Austin trip. I can't figure out what to do. I may be a week late in paying. I am just going to pray or meditate tonight to figure out how to deal with this.
I don't have anything worth selling. I checked. (my rings would only bring me about $50 because they don't pay for the diamonds - only the gold). I can't sell blood because my blood sugar levels are too fucked up for them to take it. I'd sell my kid, but I'd miss her too much. And I can't really have an overnight yard sale, because, well, I don't have a yard.
I miss my child. I miss my Chef (shut up!). I miss my life with money. I miss my best friend, M.
And I'm now on the sixth level of headache hell. Seriously. That's what hell is going to be. (I'm sure I'm going to find out some day). Headaches 24/7.
All in all, this stupid entry isn't going to help a damn thing. I'm going to take some of my 95810485125 prescriptions they gave me and go home and hide.
Get the devil off my ass already, you fucker.
I don't feel like I have one goddamn friend in the world. Seriously.
I just spent $238 on a dang carseat for Zoe.
She weighs over 40 pounds, so she really should be in a booster seat & not this baby one she is in. Plus it's filthy, the straps are twisted and look worn, and she has to squash down to get in it.
So I looked at the boosters. But at her weight, most of them only do the seatbelt across the seat thing. Which Ms. Jailbreaker can sooo easily get out of (she did when she used her cousin's). So I liked the 5 point harness (which really straps them in and is pretty safe) because she can't easily escape.
But of course, only the MOST expensive manufacturer makes 5 point harness seats for over 40 pounds. Oh well. That other one scares the bejeebs out of me. As do the seatbelt across ones, because basically they are worthless if she escapes.
But sheesh - $238??? It was $270, but was marked down.
Anyway, it's so scary to spend money. It really is. But I foresee some major expenses coming up when we move. Like a bed for Zoe.
Anyone have a twin bed frame they want to get rid of?? I want something solid for the Stunt Baby Extraordinaire.
I'm freaking out. But that's typical about moving stuff & picking out expensive things for me now. It used to be easy when I had a solid income, but now that I pinch pennies, it's so hard to part with them.
Her freaking dad should be buying this stuff anyfuckingway. Loser. Oh well, at least he has been paying his share of the daycare.
I'm out.
I feel pretty damn alone for someone who is surrounded by people.
At work, hardly anyone ever talks to me.
At home, Chef & I have had some issues. Nothing major, but he's having a rough patch. I still love him.
Moving plans are everywhere. Moving to downtown Houston on the 28th with my company. It means a much nicer commute and my own private office. No more sharing with the fax & the fucking office supplies. I'm excited. But it means I really need to get my shit together & get on a more strict schedule with Zoe to get her up & out of the house.
Which might be easier when she gets her own room.
Which hopefully will be happening the weekend of the 15th of October.
Chef & I put a deposit down on a 2 bedroom apartment. It's much nicer and larger than our current place. I'm totally excited, but nervous as well.
Prayers go out to those in Florida, etc. where Ivan hit. One place is Chef's family ranch. We haven't gotten ahold of that crew, but hopefully everyone and the land is fine. It was a pretty bad storm and hit them directly in Florida.
I love you, dear Chef. Do what you need to do today. I have faith in you.
*smooches to all my IRCers.* Y'all have been too quiet lately.
bookie, thorn. I haven't checked the home email lately.
Can you go ahead and send the new sites you post on to: edited out email.
I'm fixin to edit that out in a day or two. So I hope you girls are checking in.
Ok, so I am pretty sure Mullaney et. al can still read this.
As I PMd the passwords to my IRC friends through his site. So if he got into my email, well, he'd know how to get in.
So back a step.
I'll be changing the password soon - and posting an email addy to get the password.
Bah. Why can't people get a life already? Guess they are too busy yes anding...
Ok, blocked again.
Whatever. I think my company changes IP addresses a bazillion times.
As long as people can creat multiple email addys, I will be able to read the IRC. I won't be posting again, but whatever.
I'm sorry, but I didn't do anything hideous on that site (not since way long ago). Lately all I had been doing was sending encouraging emails to my lovely IRC friends when I read in their journals that they were blue.
Gak. Meh.
I think Mullaney is just doing it because he doesn't like me. Seriously. It's personal. It's one reason why I'm glad I passworded up my journal. He was one of the ones I didn't want reading it. It's not a fair judgement to judge someone based on a few entries. If that were the case, every blogger I read would be deemed a maniac, insane person. (with the exception of a few)
Work calls. Packing as we move downtown in a few weeks. Yipee.
Ok, I can now read the IRC again.
Not sure if it's a glitch or if he read the email I sent asking him why he thought I was the antichrist or something (especially considering he has never banned this dude Clubfoot - who sent me staged rape/murder pictures of his girlfriend and emailed Jed this horrible email about how he was glad Jed's girlfriend got cancer - even I'm not happy that happened, and I think she's a cunt.) Club is a section of psycho even I don't know about. He is scary and confrontational.
Anyway, I understand why he would get mad that I posted. Oh well. We'll see how long this lasts.
We are now on day 9 of the tenth level of hell for this headache. I am going to see the doc sometime this week as I also have major laryngitis. Anyone have any cures for this (other than drinking jagermeister)?
I am tired. Miss you all.
Pretty damn extreme.
Mullaney has now banned my IP address so I can't read the IRC from work.
Because I had a 2nd name and posted under it. Stupid me. I only had like 4 posts under that name.
What a jerk. Seriously. I'm public enemy #1 I guess. Oh well. Not like there aren't other computers I can't use.
So if you want to send me your email addy's again - send them to debsterc[at]earthlink[dot]net (fill in the blanks)
Sheesh.
Thanks to The Tive. Prayers to you today. Most of you all don't know her, but say a prayer that all goes well. She's having some surgery, and it sounds painful and sucky.
Here is my 49. I'm bored. You must be if you read this whole thing.
1. Your name spelled backwards.
esrevinuehtfoneeuqgnikcufrehtomehtybbed
2. Where were your parents born?
Albert Lea, MN (mom) New York City (dad)
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Some shit from Earthlink that didn’t work (s’posed to block spyware)
4. What is your favorite restaurant?
Probably Chuy’s. Because it’s cheap and yummy. And they have tasty margaritas. And the whole Elvis thing.
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Over a month ago. It was scary. I'm whiter than an Albino.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yeah. I read the poem “My Dog is a Plumber” in Free to Be You and Me. I rocked it.
7. How many kids do you want?
One. And I already got her. You can rent her if you like.
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Country music. The new stuff. As Natalie says it “makes me want to spoon out my eyeballs.” I dig the old school - Willie, SRV, anything KGSR plays.
9. Are you registered to vote?
Hell yes I am. And Hell yes I’m going to. www{dot}georgebushisamotherfucker{dot}com. I wish I were in NYC so I could go see that show.
10. Do you have cable?
Yep. And secretly I used a splitter so I get cable TV & computer. A fluke.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Yeah. My sister had one in college. Skeery.
12. Ever prank call anybody?
All the time. But this was long before *69 or caller ID. My favorite was to call this Prepaid legal office my co-worker used. This old ass lady would answer the phone and say “Law Offices.” If you ever see me in person, ask me to impersonate her. I could picture her smoking a Marlboro Red out her trach hole in her neck.
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Once at UT – Jester dorm. I think I was shacking up with some dude overnight and got a ticket.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Oh hell no. Life is exciting enough
15. Farthest place you ever traveled.
Alaska. When I was a kid. I'd love to go back. Hint hint.
16. Do you have a garden?
Plants fear me and my Debplantkillinstyle. I live vicariously through Bambooki to get my nature on.
17. What’s your favorite comic strip?
Peanuts. I’m old school.
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Maybe. I don’t know until I’m singing it.
19. Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
I watched Tigerland last night. Got to see lots of Colin Ferrell’s ass cheeks. Niceeee. (good movie though)
20. Favorite pizza topping?
Mushrooms and black olives.
21. Chips or popcorn?
Totally popcorn, yo.
22. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Gloss. It’s all about the lipgloss.
23. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
I didn't know that was a common recreational drug. ditto
24. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Ha. Ha. Ha. Yeah, Miss Bitch of the Century, 1985
25. Orange Juice or apple?
Neither. Not a big juice fan. But if I had to pick, it would be great OJ.
26. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? Chef and Zoe. We went to the Aquarium downtown. Is kind of icky to eat fish while watching them swim by though.
27. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Dark chocolate. It’s all about the darkness.
28. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
Last prez. election. Worthless to me. Like Michael Moore, I'm a fat, white, liberal.
29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
homegrown? Like by me? Never. Someone else… probably this morning.
30. Have you ever won a trophy?
I was the South Carolina state champ in the Knights of Columbus free throw tourney when I was a kid like 3 times. I’m good like that.
31. Are you a good cook?
Depends on who you ask.
32. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
No, Jeeves does that for me. bahahaha
33. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
I so wanted to order this Magic Bullet chopper/blendy thingy the other morning. Couldn’t see spending $100 (3 payments of $33.33) on something I’ve never seen.
34. Sprite or 7-up?
neither. I’d rather drink Pelligrino water.
35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Newp.
36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
drugs. Refill on my vicodan.
37. Ever throw up in public?
I threw up bloody mary’s and shrimp enchiladas under my car at Baby Acapulco’s in Austin. Maybe why I have an aversion to shrimp now.
38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Millionaire. “True Love” is easy to find when you have lots of money. Plus you could at least travel. True love is overrated. (ya dorks. I already have TL anyway. Pffffffftttttt)
39. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yeah. I’m scary like that.
40. Ever call a 1-900 number?
Not on purpose.
41. Can exes be friends?
Nope. Because most of my exes are assholes, this is a foreign concept to me.
42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
My sister. When she had baby Genny like 4 years ago.
43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
A full head. I rocked rough and tough with my afropuff. hahaha
44. What message is on your answering machine?
I don’t have one. But my voicemail is me and Z.
45. What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
The Anal Retentive chef. Or perhaps Julia Child. Wow. I never realized that.
46. What was the name of your first pet?
Jaws. It was a goldfish.
47. What is in your purse?
Everything but my cellphone. I forgot it damnit. Mostly huge bottles of medication and kleenex. Woo. I’m an 80 year old grandma.
48. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Read. Snuggle up with my loves.
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
It’s motherfuckin’ payday! (nah, my family & my sweetie) They are, after all, my reason to enjoy this life.
Ok, work calls. Blah!
I finally went to see my new endocrinologist - as opposed to the last wanker (the dude who graduated med school in 1955).
This new guy was young and pretty cool. I told him my goal was to get off of the insulin. He looked at my prescription and was like, "um, that is very old stuff & no one prescribes that type of insulin anymore."
He put me on two new oral meds and I think the side effects are making me feel as if my head is going to explode. I've had a headache for six days. Maybe it's an annurysm. My head will implode?
I don't know. It just fucking hurts.
Zoe goes to dad's Friday & Sat. nights - yay.
Too much work. Sorry for lack of entries & how damn boring this one is.
No comments except from porn stars, poker sites, and another penis enlargement.
I have been watching too many plastic surgery shows, by the way. I'm sick. Sick I tell you.
Bye for now.