(thanks to the Improv Resource Center for this)
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving.
California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.
So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, we can live with that.)
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Old Miss'. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to
make the red states pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that.
Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck, the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs. Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From
now on it's imported French wine for you. (Ouch, bet that hurts!)
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war.
Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States' citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely,
California
although I liked this one better (thanks, Jed):
Dear President Bush:
Your wife is a murderer. You are a cokehead/drunk who, through your private chatline with Jeebus have atoned for your sins. Your daughters are filthy whores with clymidia.
Also, Cheney should have worn black.
Love,
Alan Keyes
Ok, so the Boy For Sex is no longer the BFS.
Because I give off the desperado vibe even though I say I don't want a relationship. The "cost is too high" and he's not ready for a relationship. And he knows I'm attached to him.
Of course, motherfucker, I'm attached. I want a relationship. It's a normal, healthy thing when you are involved with someone that's not a fucktard.
But I'm also a rational, realistic desperado.
I know I don't have fucking time for a normal relationship. My bitchkateers get on my shit, but HELLOOOO, they both have boyfriends. Or have some free time to actually nurture a healthy relationship.
How can you have a relationship when you can't even plan a first date?
How can you have a relationship when your kid sleeps in your bed every night?
How can you have a relationship when you don't know one single decent man?
Me? Well Zoe's dad is now back in NY for INFINITY. Possibly even permanently. And I don't want my kid at a sitter or friend's house every weekend so I can go on a date or two. It was different when she was with her dad because it wasn't babysitting. And there was nothing I felt guilty over or had to pay someone back.
I love my friends and their kids, but I don't see how I can repay their kindness. I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, and usually working six days a week.
So in the meantime, I'm on house arrest.
And I want sex. I'm sorry, but I do. I like it. And I like having it with someone who is good. Fucker. Fucker. I know we weren't exclusive like relationship exclusive (sex exclusive), but he was shitting where I'm eating.
[backstory on this] long story short, what brought out the desperado in me, was that the night he came to my hotel for that wild and crazy sex was the same night he was at a party at a bar with a ton of my friends... kissing another girl. One that I knew. And I teased him about it. Which brought out his "hey, we aren't exclusive and I'm single." Not that he was fucking around, but he had the chance to do so. And he wasn't going to give that up.
Which made me all pouty and stupid girly. At which point he started saying things that just hurt my feelings. Like the big titty baby I am.
And it made me feel shitty. Even though he's not my man. It made me feel like a piece of ass.
I don't mind being a piece of ass once in a while, but I don't like to be made to feel like a piece of ass.
I don't know if I'm ready to see anyone else. Men just totally disappoint me.
I'm not ready to be licking a cooter just yet, but gosh, I'm just disappointed and sad right now.
If you don't want me to love you and care for you ... STOP FUCKING DOING THINGS TO ME THAT MAKE ME LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU.
Because that wasn't just sex. And you fucking know it.
I'm going to go be bitchy now somewhere.
Because I can.
I wrote this on my local dating site, of which I'm a pretty shady member.
Ok, this is to the dudes contemplating dating we single moms, of which there are many on this site; moms that is, not particularly dudes that want to date us. Shut up. I'm writing here.
The #1 #1 #1 Rule - More like a mantra - say it all together now:
Respect the Mother-f*ckring Mom's Night Off.
Mom's night off by definition are freaking sacred. They are few and far between. Some of us only get like 3-4 a month, and God bless those that get none at all. God love ya, and I hope you have a regular sitter.
Sometimes they aren't scheduled, or are last minute. - Goooo with it. Step into the light.
Sometimes they don't work out. Things happen. Dad's back out. Kids get sick. - Don't you dare be pissy with me about it. Accept the fact that we will have to rain check you.
Sometimes we really look forward to them. - Don't stand us up. Cause focker, we could have made other plans with someone who would appreciate it.
Sometimes we really just want to have a teeny tiny break from our lives. - No, I'm not looking for a new babydaddy or a sugar daddy. My kid has a dad and I pay my own way. No, I don't want to have your 39018349 babies. No, I don't have a wedding dress pressed and ready to go. Sometimes we just want someone to treat us with respect in the same way you would someone you love and care about. Doesn't mean I'm going to want that tomorrow. I might. I just want to forget about how hard it all is sometimes, and get caught up in a moment. Naked. So shut up and don't think so damn much.
Don't you freaking understand what Mom's Night Off means?? (girls, I'm shakin my head because some of these boys have noooo idea what lurks in the heart of a single mom on the edge)
Mom's Night Off means:
A night of no whining. This should also apply to you, wussy boys.
A night of some drinking. I may want to get my drink on; and, I really may want to not have to wake up with a hangover by a kid with her foot in my kidney crying that she wants some bacon and juice and her green socks and wants to watch the Girl Spy Show... noooooowwwww, Mommy!!
A night of some ass shakin. I'm gonna get my rump shake on and get tipsy in the club. Come watch. It's amazing - especially sans cameras.
A night of debauchery. If you know how to make us shimmy and ache, this could include you.
A night of dressing sexy. Or dressing up. It's the lovliest thing to leave the house without snot or yogurt on your clothing. Or to wear high CFM pumps and know that you don't have to carry around a 42 pound child who is too tired to walk.
A night of being a woman. And not "a mom." I love being a mom. It's my greatest joy. But sometimes it's just nice to talk to an adult and act like an adult. To hug a big person. And not to have to wipe someone's ass in the middle of my freaking dinner.
A night for me. Which really is a night for us. A night that we will remember. A night of fun and companionship. Make me want to write about it. Then you know you done good.
A night of kisses. It's nice to be able to kiss someone without little eyes watching and questions about "Mommy, is he your best friend?" or "Ewww. Gross, Mom. You are the keeper of his spit now." I want to make out like it was the last day my lips were going to be attached to my face. I want to kiss until they are numb and then kiss some more. I want you to lick and suck and kiss me until my lips look like Angelina Jolie on collagen, damnit.
And finally. Finally. What this is really really about people!
SEX. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SEX. AND IF YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS THAN I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU ANYWAY!! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WHEN MY CHILD ISN'T IN THE HOUSE SO I CAN GET LOUD AND FREAKY AND HANG FROM THE CHANDELIER AND HAVE SEX IN EVERY ROOM IN EVERY WAY AND CALL OUT FOR JESUS ON A POGO STICK AND MAKE YOU SEE GOD TEN DIFFERENT TIMES THEN TAKE A SHOWER TO GET EVEN WICKED FREAKIER AND THEN. FINALLY. FINALLY. IN ALL THAT IS HOLY. I WANT TO SLEEP LIKE THE LIVING DEAD.
So when we call you, to join us for a mom's night off, you better come. Quickly and quietly. So no one gets hurt. No hesitations. No maybe's. No, there might be something better to do that night. Bring your best game because you are gonna need it tonight!
We promise to make it worth your while.
or at least I will for those that are on the other end of *my* phone call.
~debu_naked
Single Sexy Momma Extraordinaire
Deleting the over 200 spam comments that hit me. I'm closing all the old entries to comments, but damnit. I need to have a MT blacklist installed, but am too sucky to ask for it. Its embarrassing that I don't know shit about how any of this works, and I tried the help menus and websites and read and read and goddamn it's like it's all Greek to me. A few cool chicks have helped me out, but I don't want to keep asking. I wish I could figure out how to do all the cool stuff that others do to their blogs, but I'm just not quite getting it.
So if you comment, and it gets deleted, it's because I still have over 100 comments to delete off of here, and MT is so fucked up that you can only do it like one at a fucking time. Or at least that's the only way I know how to do it.
You'd think I have PMS or something with all this whining bullshit.
Old entries. Old headlines. Old men and their memories.
Same old feelings of stupidity.
I allow men to treat me like crap.
I get involved way too soon.
I tell people how I feel.
I don't want to take things slow because for some reason I always think I'm going to be dying soon. Still.
I am attracted to emotionally or physically (location) unavailable men.
I should go see a therapist to find out how to change this.
But they all want to give me drugs. Which I refuse to take. I already down 20 pills a day and do two shots of insulin. I'm a walking pharmacy.
I should figure out what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't see what everyone else says they can see about me. That I'm funny, pretty, smart, and cool. And I embrace my inner dork.
I am in love with someone who doesn't love me.
I am in love with someone who doesn't love me.
I am in love with someone who doesn't love me.
Like maybe if I read it over and over again, I'll finally stop doing that.
I always love all the men that don't love me.
I want to be in love with someone that loves me.
Here's to the men that we love
Here's to the men that love us
The men that we love aren't the men that love us
So fuck the men, here's to us
I'm lonely. It's late. I should be asleep, but I'm not. I'm tired and am being sentimental about stupid shit right now. Stupid men. Stupid men. Stupid trucks.
I miss my mother. I miss my friends. I miss the goddamn IRC and all the peeps.
I miss a life with someone in it, and someone that isn't going to be an emotional vampire.
I love the Boy for Sex. There. I said. it. But it's more than that. It's the sex. He threw down some mojo on me, and I'm fucked up. He's perfectly adorable. Funny, smart, and great to look at. But for some reason, it's not about that and it's all about that.
He knows how to fuck with me. He knows how to fuck me. Me. Fuck.
I swear it. When we are together, it's something I have never in my 20 years of fucking experienced before. Jesus Christ. I've been fucking now for 20 years. Shit I feel old.
It's the way that it should be. Passionate. Hot. Giving. Loving. Tender. And it takes me 1,000 miles away from my life which is why I know it's just bullshit.
Because he cares for me, but just isn't that into me. I'm not his girlfriend. I'm not his lover. I'm a call he makes when he wants to see me. I'm the girl that does amazing things to him.
But I'm the nice girl. I'm nice to them all. I'm nice and soft and round and willing and there.
And just for once I'd like to get the guy in the end of the movie. I'd like to be the one that was "it" for someone. To be someone's it. To be the person *they* think about and want to see all the time.
And no, I know. Shut up already. I plead temporary insanity on that one. I think I was playing house just to play house. I want to be someone's it that isn't an abusive asshole.
I am sad and feeling like there never is going to be that one for me. Because I really do think that I'm not happy with something in my life. Something is off right now, and I can't figure it out.
And I need to dump him and not be sad. But I am sad. I'm tired of losing men that I want to keep. Dr. Egypt and now BFS. I love them. I still love Dr. E. But he's long gone. A distant memory. Nearly two years since I have seen him and I still think about him. My God. What is wrong with me. I'm pathetic.
And now. The BFS. He makes me laugh. He makes me come. He makes me smile and cry and laugh all at the same time. I so adore him, but it's not good for me. He's not good for me.
Don't date an insensitive man when you are a sensitive woman.
I am the crab.
I wish that there was someone here because I need a hug from a big person.
I need to just shut the fuck up and go to bed already.
"I'm not saying that the person who played the games didn't do any damage. But there comes a time when mourning a past relationship and the hurt that comes with it just becomes plain old wallowing in self pity."
Um. BINGO! Exactly. Ding ding ding. Candyfloss gets it. (and it was a point I should have made as well).
Which is why I can't get serious with The Boy for Sex. I'd love to. Absolutely. But I wont because at least I *know* he's still fucked up. I have sympathy. Mostly because she is still fucking with his head through their kid. Which is fucked up. I hate women that do that.
But I don't understand why he can't just "...find his balls and figure out a way to get the fuck over what happened to him." I don't get it because I don't think that way.
Although we did have a fucking FOUR hour conversation, and here's more inside on that one. Dude is going to be moving away. He has the idea that he doesn't want to get involved because he knows he's moving away. He doesn't want to get attached because he knows he easily could. Because he is attached and does care for me and when we first started out, he was really getting attached, but doesn't want to get more attached.
Ok. Whatever. I love you dude, but...
My take on this is that I want to have sex. With someone I like, is good at it, and who I don't want to kick out of my bed. That's about it.
If I can't have a true relationship, then I'll take it for what it is. Fanfuckingtabulous sex. Glorious kissing. And hanging with someone I love. I love him in the same way I love my friends (but I don't want to fuck them. Sorry, but I'm sure they are glad for that). He makes me laugh. He makes me come. And I genuinely like him.
I moved every two years my entire life. Yes, it's sad to leave friends behind, but you still move on. It doesn't crush you.
But he says he doesn't want the heartache. He knows from experience that when you get involved that it could change your plans. And he isn't ready to do that.
Regardless, I'll take the sex for now. I'm not counting other men out. I'm not actively pursuing, but I'll go on dates if they ask me out. I am absolutely open for a relationship, but until then, I'll stick with the sex. And seeing the Boy.
And Soccerboy, you can leave comments, but fucking shut it when it comes to Candyfloss, mmmkay?
Because you missed *her* point. We all get fucked over, but don't let it make you put your life on hold for shit. Only you can feel bad for what people do to you. So if you don't refuse to do that, then why the fuck keep on going? What's the point?
Yes, I'm tired of these bitches, but I'm also tired of these men who can't let it go. I should be a fucking stone cold bitch for the hell these men put me through. But I refuse to believe like that. I don't want to be this angry, bitter bitch.
So dudes, let it go already. Or just stay out of the dating pool until you get some help. Be it therapy or whatever, do us the favor. Don't dip your feet in the pool, and then say... Oh, I'm not ready to go swimming. If you know that already, pack up your nads and go back to the baby pool.
Although I'm still wanting regular sex with the Boy. Mmm mmmm good.
I don't want to understand him. I just want to get naked with him and make us both have a few laughs.
In the extended entry is a post I put on a forum I frequent about "She Devils."
I wrote this because The Boy for Sex called me a bit shitface drunk last night and spilled his guts.
I know the dude likes me. A lot. Maybe even loves me. But his heart is held captive by his past. He can't seem to get past what the bitch of an ex wife did to him (cheating, etc. etc. etc.) She really sounds like a harpy.
And he's a total sweetheart. Romantic, funny, great looking. Very caring and he is so unbelievably sweet.
But it was only after he was drinking that he could really tell me how hard it is for him. He would love to be able to trust again and love again, but he has so much baggage that he is basically ruined for other women.
Now I know you all are rolling your eyes, but he really is a nice guy. He just has been shit all over by this woman. Unfortunately they have a child, so the past ties aren't severed completely, and he's still in the middle of her toxicity. And she's one of those use the kid to get back at you types. It's damaging him both mentally and financially.
I love him in the same way that I love my girl friends. I care about him. I care about his welfare. He is absolutely a guy that I would totally marry because I know what kind of person he is and what kind of person he can be; but I also know that right now our timing sucks monkey ass. And the time to be really *together together* is not now. Nor any time soon.
He wants a woman like me. He wants to make a home and a life and have a healthy relationship. But he's no good to anyone right now. He has to fix his own life before he can share it with anyone else.
I'm not making excuses. Hey, at least I know that our relationship is going nowhere. (especially since he and his family are moving to another state in a few months) So I enjoy his company when I see him. When we are together it is just like he is my husband or something - it's that intimate (and no, not just the sex part). But it's an escapist thing for him. He gets to get out of the shit storm for a while because it's easy being with me.
I'd love to be with him for the rest of my life, but I know it's not in the cards.
Until then, I'm enjoying him. I just wish the bitch hadn't ruined him for the rest of us.
I'd hate to think that I have damaged a man like that forever. I don't think I've done that to anyone, as the ones that left bitter were bitter and fucked up to begin with. I don't know if I added to their baggage, but I'd really hate to think that a man could leave me so wrecked like that.
Anyway, was just something I was thinking about. I'm sorry, Boy For Sex, that it can't work out with you. More than you know. I'm sorry that you are in the middle of all this turmoil in your life. I know that it isn't forever. That you are smart and kind and that it will all work out. It will. It doesn't feel like it sometimes, but it will work it's way out. And if I can help in any way, I will. Just like I would for any other friend.
Mostly I'm sorry that I can't be it for you. I'm sorry I didn't meet you years earlier. Because I think we would have had a great, amazing life together.
Ok, just something I've observed lately that has bugged me. Now this may be the same from a man's point, but I only know it from the women that I see, but I wanted to talk about it.
What I'd like to address are the emotional vampires that are of the fairer sex.
Women today seem to claim that men are jerks/players/jaded, etc., and that there are no good men out there anymore. Just read some of the not so original cookie-cutter headlines on HC. The "Are there any good men left" My name is Bambi types.
Well, why is it that we see such a shortage? Could it be *SATAN?* sorry just had to use that line
In my opinion some of these men are not spawned by Satan, but created by the more evil version of the female type:
The She Devils that ruin these men for the rest of us.
The cheaters, the beaters, the babymamadramas, the abusers, the players, the stalkers, the "oops I accidently forgot to take my pill-ers," the gold diggers, shopaholics, the overly clingy possessive types, the psychos and the oscar contenders; basically the emotional vampires that suck anything good out of these men which then in turn evolves them into shallow(er) versions of their former selves.
They saddle these men with more baggage than Paris Hilton at a Louis Vuitton tag sale.
So the guy closes off emotionally. They shut down like a bank on a holiday. They don't want to trust women anymore, the decide that women are more attracted to the Morvegil-types of the world, and they catch a case of fatal commitophobia. They don't even trust themselves to befriend a woman as a friend.
They start to think that if they act like jerks, it will keep women at a distance, yet still maintain some semblance of being mysterious and wanted.
[aside]
MEN. IF YOU MEET A WOMAN WHO SAYS SHE IS TIRED OF ALL THE PSYCHOS AND DRAMA AND THE PLAYAS, AND IF SHE HAS FILED RESTRAINING ORDERS ON A FEW OF HER LAST BOYFRIENDS ... RUN. RUN FAST. RUN FOREST RUN. BECAUSE MAYBE SHE IS A PSYCHO MAGNET FOR A REASON...DUH, GENIUS, SHE IS THE REASON.
[aside over]
But IMO, all this negative evolution is making these men not able to see the good in women and that there ARE good women out there. Stable, secure with themselves, kind, loving, sexy, great moms, etc. etc. etc.
And worse than that, these men carry all that extra luggage around with them like a spoil of war into their new relationships. They can't let go of the hurt, the angry feelings, the jealousy, the mistrust. All of that is projected into the new relationship often on the new woman in the relationship, even if there hasn't been a reason to mistrust their new mate.
So, women ... stop saying that there are no good men out there. There are. Just that some of you (me included once in a blue moon) need to stop Gaylord Fockering these men up.
that is all.
~Debu_Glendathegoodwitch
I had 10 hours of overtime this week. Good God Almighty.
That might have been cool, but since I got a 1% raise, I'm sure it won't be doody. Because the cost of our bennies went up so it negates my raise.
Haven't written much. Here's the quickie.
Zoe is sick
I am sick
Zoe has walking pneumonia
Zoe has conjunctivitis
I have 193481023 work deadlines
I have asshat bosses that give me shitty performance appraisals for missing work, which in turn nets me a 1% raise. Not enough to cover the increase in my healtcare costs.
I drop Zoe at school and her dad picks her up by 10am and spends the day at my house
I have already missed 3 days. Can't come to work when I'm puking my intestines out. So out of 5, I've taken 3
I had to take Zoe to work on Monday. Cause she might have had pinkeye
Haven't had sex in a week or two. Must remedy that
Work is fucking busy
And my ex is at my house. Probably looking at the sexy panties in my dresser wondering who is seeing them.
Did I tell you work is fucking busy.
Not just busy, but fucking busy!
Ok, I got my site all switched over properly, but I did lose about half a month's worth of entries. Which is all good to me because I'm set and I didn't lose my archives.
We are doing a mini girls night out for my Meerkat (formerly known as Lara, but I want to switch her over properly). She just celebrated her birthday and I have deemed 2005, the Year of the Meer.
And Shutterbug is gonna go Girls Gone Wild on us. Or maybe not. She wants to go dancing. But I'm going out tomorrow with her, so I can't do two days in a row like that now that I'm 1,000 years old.
Not to mention I have a bit of the sniff right now. Not yet a cold, but enough to bug me. So I think we are going to go eat/drink ritas/and go see White Noise. Cause Meerkat loves scary movies even though she knows they make me pee myself just a little. I'm a weirdo screamer. But I love her so I'm in.
I too, like Ms. Sassy, ordered me up some "I didn't vote 4 Bush" wristbands.
http://www.ididnotvote4bush.com/pages/1/index.htm
I wanted a Lance Armstrong one because I met him before he was popular, but then he started dating whatsherface and broke it off with his cute wife and kids. I know dudes do that, but it just makes me think a bit less of him.
So, they are cheap. Order you up some. I am going to wear it damn proudly since I'd never put one of those gayass ribbon things on my car. My car cost me too much to jack with it, and I think I would do more for the troops if I went over there and gave them $50 blowjobs or something.
Yay. Counting down until girls night out.
More later on how fucking busy I have been at work.
I loves ya, Bitchkateers!
The Year of the Meer!!
Fuck yeah!
Ok, it got all fixed. And Cursing Mama, it's great to be back.
And I can access my MT login from work, so I can add new entries from here.
But I did lose about a half month's worth of entries. If anyone has them in their cache, I'd love to see if you could scrounge them up.
If not, most of them were about sex, so I'm sure Ctal will be greatful that they are gone.
To busy to post, but it's gonna be a great fucking year.
is this thing on?
I've been having some problems with it, and I really hope that it's not a work blocked site thing or something.
I'm really hoping that my girl, Christine, at Blogomania (my new awesome host) or Ms. Em, the sexy smart chick I know from a friend of a friend hooked up my site and made it so I could post new entries. We shall see tomorrow at work if it's back up and running.
Woot!