debutaunt.com

Gazz

And people wonder why I subject myself to the nastiness that is the bus commute.

God Bless Louisiana

One of three dolphins evacuated from an ocean-front marine park plays in a hotel pool in Gulfport, Miss., after Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast Monday, Aug. 29, 2005 in Gulfport, Miss. (AP Photo/John Bazemore)

We have a client that I adore. His family lives right off Lake Ponchatrain and he has three family members who have lost their entire homes and many many friends in that area. I have never seen a face sadder than his.

I fell in love with New Orleans and Louisiana when we were there recently. I had never been to LA, but there was something really lovely about New Orleans. The lushness of that area. The architecture of the city. I was looking forward to going back and spending more time there. Bringing Zoe and spending a few days there siteseeing.

I have been following the story all day today and my heart is really heavy.

God bless them. It's only going to get worse before it gets better.

Pleh

Dear Lungs,

I hate you. (today)

Signed,

debu_hasbronchitis

I have three doctor's appointments this week. So this morning, I get to the doc and I can barely speak. I have bad laryngitis. Turns out I have bronchitis. No wonder it burned when I did any cardio. I haven't had a cardio workout in like 3 weeks and I feel like a SLOTH.

So I have a nice Z-pack. It better freaking work because I feel pretty much like shit.

Tomorrow I will be meeting with my endocrinologist to go over my six week bloodwork. I'm sure it will not be the greatest because I haven't been on the fit wagon for like 4 weeks now - workoutwise or eating. All I want to eat is just simple stuff. But being sick has caused my blood sugars to skyrocket.

Thursday I will finally get in to meet my nutritionist. It's about time. Last time she had to cancel. I want a good/sound eating plan. I really wish she could just make up a menu and I'd eat the same thing every week.

It's a minor setback. It cut into my fitness challenge, but I'm going to do it again once I start feeling better.

Bronchitis - BEGONE!!

Did You Know...

That if you sit on the aisle on the bus, park your backpack in the seat next to you, hold papers in your lap and mark them up with a pen so that you look busy AND sit kind of slouchy so as to feign a pregnancy, that you might actually get to ride home and not have to sit next to someone.

Especially someone grooming themselves.

OR PICKING THEIR NOSE FOR 15 MINUTES. HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU ACTUALLY DIG IN YOUR NOSE IN PUBLIC FOR 15 MINUTES?

Yes, I timed him. I actually wanted to whip out my camera phone and take a picture of him up to his second knuckle in his schnoz. I swear if I ever see him again ... he's going down!

I mean, ok, everyone does a pick once in a while. Or even a quick swipe. I always carry tissue because I am my mother's daughter and she carries enough tissue to blow the nose of a small African nation.

BUT TO DIG IN YOUR NOSE ON A VERY CROWDED BUS WHILE YOU READ YOUR BOOK AND FLICK YOUR BOOGS ON THE FLOOR OF THE BUS???

Is that the male version of hair twirling?

Are these people commuters or preschoolers? Zoe doesn't even dig in her nose for that long. And she carries kleenex in her backpack too.

I'm so disgusted.

One in Seven

Just Do It. The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation Race for the Cure

Would love it if you could help sponsor my awesome pal, and the Queen of Camping (and pretty much everything) D and her daughter E in their participation for the Komen Race for the Cure.

Please visit their site and make an online pledge. Even a dollar or two helps.

Her goal is $2,000 and I would love to help her beat that.

My beloved Grandma Jane died from breast cancer so this hits pretty close to home.

One in seven women will be stricken with breast cancer in her lifetime. The Komen Houston Race for the Cure® raises money to fund education, screening and treatment programs for these women and thousands of others in our own community and supports the national search for a cure.

I know I read at least seven women's blogs every day. I have three sisters and four very close women friends of mine. I have at least seven female co-workers. I have more than seven neices. I have seven times seven church retreat sisters. I have seven female neighbors.

I don't like the odds. Please click

P.S. If you read this, I encourage you to add a post or a link on your site to D's Pledge Page. One in Seven. I thank you, and D thanks you :)

Taunt

Ah. The good ol' days. Where Deb knew how to flirt a bit.

Imma Hurl Soon

The bus. Oh the horror!

Chick across the aisle from me. Thin. Really pretty. Expensive highlights. Perfect manicure. Cute clothes. She's got a few clothes hanging up for some "gala" she was on the phone talking about going to later. They looked very expensive.

I wonder if at this gala, she will do the same thing she did on the bus.

Read extended if you aren't eating anything.

Which is: I wonder if the Julia Roberts lookalike will bend down, pick a scab off her foot, examine it, then promptly put it in her mouth.

Fucking gas prices. Almost worth it to drive in and avoid sitting near people who want to groom like monkeys on the bus. She must be related to Mseyebrowplucker.

Methinks I'm going to be sick all day.

Love Love Love

I'm sure it's no surprise to some of my long time readers that I truly am a romantic at heart. I love chick flicks. I love happy endings. I love being in love (or lust whatever the case may be). I love it when my friends are happy. I don't begrudge people happiness (most especially if I like you). I believe in love. I have many reasons not to, but I still do. And always will - with certainty.

I find myself lately reading about people who are newly in love and they act completely self righteous (yeah. I said it again, buy a fucking t-shirt). Like for some reason if you aren't as in love as they are, or blather on about it ad nauseum to the world, you must be a miserable, bitter person. Single = unhappy? Quiet about your relationship = miserable? Or even one better - if you don't come out in the open to this particular group, then your date must be desperate for a lay and/or they are ashamed to be seen with you.

Now why is that exactly? Because I want to be with my guy and not around fucktards like the likes of you drunk assholes??? Because I'd rather just chill out or go to a quiet dinner than binge drink and take pictures of a girl grabbing my boobs? So glad you have that psychic connection and all and know all about my relationship. Wonder why you and yours are out all the time - is it because you would rather be with others than alone?

They call me names because I laugh and am like, yeah, tell me about your love affair in 20 years, then maybe I will pat you on the back. I'll buy you a blue ribbon.

New love is easy. Lasting love is explosive diarrhea. Sticking around for the nasty and difficult stuff. Not just sticking around for the lovely newness of it all. It's easy to love and fuck someone who hasn't farted in front of you yet. It's another thing to hold a loved one's head as they puke after chemo. Yeah new lovers can go through some tough times as well, but generally new love is hot sex, easy times, and fairytales.

I have been on a singles dating site for over a year. I have seen recent forum-proclamations of love that took longer to type than the actual length of the relationship. I have seen (often) madly head over heels in love turn into I hate your fucking guts, you asshole psycho bastard rants/stalking. I have experienced this once or twice myself and looking back it's as pretty as re-reading your angsty teenage journals. Or even your not so angsty blog posts. (eeks)

I mean, come on. Does anyone start off thinking that their love will not last? Do you prepare for it in advance (maybe. some might) In the beginning you think it is the highest high and that there is no end in sight. Nothing else matters. You are in love and it will last forever and you want to shout about it from the rooftops.

Been there. Done that. Have the kid to prove it.

I talked to Zoe's dad tonight. She had been singing in the car to some song on the radio and didn't really know the words. So she would kind of hum/sing the tune and then sing the chorus really loud.

Hmmm hummm humm hum, shizzy nuzzy hum, "WE BELONG TOGETHER!" (Zoe is so Mariah without the hooker-ish clothing)

It came out so cute. I think it is only these times, when I'm completely immersed in what I like to call, The Zoe Experience, that I do mourn my lost loves. That there isn't someone to share her with me. I'm not unhappy exactly, but more like a bit meloncholy. Then she makes me laugh and it goes away.

I wonder sometimes if it is harder for people who have lost love that don't have children. I don't feel lonely really. I feel more connected to myself than I ever have before. Like centered. It really is hard to feel lonely when you have a mini comic in the making like Zoe. (Although I know peeps without kids who do just fine)

You would think that adults who for the most part have been in multiple failed relationships would be a bit more wary of proclaiming their true love. And you would especially think they would think twice before pointing out that others are so miserable that they only wish they could have their lasting happiness (what? your weeklong happiness? a month? six months? I was pretty happy with my husband for four years - that was a BREEZE!) Greenhorns!

So let's get this straight. According to your theory, you were single before, so you basically were a miserable loser. And now that you have latched on to your lifemate, you are suddenly happy?

Wait. So you were single before and still yet somehow managed to not slit your wrists. Gosh. How could that be?

(kind of like how some moms do the pity moan - oh, you don't have kids, you must feel so ... unfulfilled. You should travel and get out.)

I like it when the relationships just are. I think this comes with age/ experience. No proclamations. Just the fact that they are together and don't feel the need to justify or pee on each other's legs to show that it exists. They are comfortable with their lives and aren't always (ala Chef) so LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT MEEEEE!!! Look at US!! I'm not a loser because someone finally has chosen MEEEEEE!!!

It reminds me of the mums in high school. You know what I'm talking about (maybe it's only a southern thing, but SJ talked about it before). It's a homecoming phenomenon where your date buys you this enourmous mum. Sometimes they are as big as a frisbee and they usually have yards and yards of ribbon, cowbells and other cockery glittery shit all over them. But God forbid, you don't have one of these on yer boob, you obviously must be a total loser! What? You actually have a date to the dance, but he brought you roses but didn't buy you a MUM?

Uhuh, yeah. I didn't want to look like Hessie the Heiffer with the cowbells and other fluffery. Honestly they look very Clay Gaykin. Too bad you are such a dipshit that you don't realize that your date got a blowjob and buttfucked the prom queen last night and your mom just spent $200 on some crap that will rot for 30 years in your attic. (But lets not forget that your date puked up his Pappadeux shrimp alfredo and Coors all over your dress. Keep smiling though. You got that purdy mum and all.)

Sorry, but me (the big loser, right?) and my date are taking our $200 and are going to shake our asses in the front row of U2 tonight.

Well, it's sort of like that.

Be in love. Be proud of your love. We ARE happy for you (if you aren't a fuckhead to begin with).

But self righteous, you're miserable if you aren't as starry-eyed-we make even the Baby Jesus want to hurl, kind of love has a way of embarassing you later on - and it's got a vicious bite. Especially if your ex is still in your social circle and goes on about your tiny weenis and man boobs.

We're embarrassed for you. Especially for the ones that were obvious train wrecks from the beginning.

You may certainly be very happy, I'm sure most of you are, but we are laughing in your general direction when you (a 2-3 time relationship loser) pretend to have solved the true love equation after a few easy months of love.

Just go read the love sonnets your composed to your first boyfriend and you'll know what I mean.

Cliff notes.

Be in love. Just don't be such a dick about it. Oh. And your mum is ugly.

Oh. And P.S. No this isn't about anyone in particular, but they all do it and some of us will continue to laugh our asses off. Especially after you break up and start calling your ex "that psycho bastard." If you have a nasty name for even one of your exes, you may want to hold off on the relationship = happy; single = loser rants.

Whew

Ok, I've never been more glad that a Friday is here. Usually it's not even a big deal because most often it's a regular mom night for me - no exciting plans.

I love Friday nights with Zoe. We usually go to the gym, then to Jason's Deli for dinner. It's a relaxing night because she has no school the next day and we can just take our time.

I'm more glad today is over because it's been a super hectic week. I'd take a picture of my office, but there are documents all over the place & I am not about to get busted for like sharing company secrets or whatever. I've put some fat bastards together this week and sent them out. I've read, edited, re-edited, re-read, folded engineering figures, ran around, and UPS'd shit to the ends of the earth. I've worked my large ass off all week. Damn. No. It's still there.

I haven't even finished doing my timesheet, but I needed a break as my eyeballs were buggin.

I hope you all have some fun planned for this weekend. Me and Z are gonna chill.

Peace and Pushup bras to you all.

How can you not

... Love travelin dudes.

I am in adore with Simplysexygreg and my newest cybercrush, Hottie Henry M aka The Penguin Paparazzi.

How could you not adore a dude that will basically live out of his car to see movies in towns across america, and one that takes the most adorable pictures of Antartic penguins?

Live your travel dreams vicariously through them!

Always helps when they are easy on the eyes too.

Did you ever

... spend a lot of time cooking something - like really cooking on the stove, no microwave, only to have it come out tasting like crap.

Sauteed zucchini and tomatoes with bowtie pasta. How can that be fucked up? Only the skill and magic that is the debu_cooking can answer that.

No amount of salt or pepper will make this edible.

Story of my life. Nastiness in disguise.

500 for Rachel

Wow. 500 comments. And that's without spam.

I'm addicted to sites dissing celebrities and their misfortunate wardrobe choices.

Addict. ADDICT. Straight up funny.

Ironic because I have the ugliest clothing on the face of the planet. I think even Bjork would look cool standing next to me. I'm just glad that no one follows me around with a camera to critique my outfits. They'd be hard up to find even one outfit out of 100 that is not completely well ... fug. But if I had money infinity, I'd have my clothing mojo working overtime. So what is Britney Spears' excuse?

I don't think there is a 12 step program for this addiction.

Twitch

I never want to read about any dog's anal glands again. When someone says they are tired of the mommy blogs and nursing and poop talk, I just want to say, I see your doodie/boobie blog speak and raise you one anal gland squeezing.

Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

I almost lost my entire purse Sunday. Grocery shopped, got what I needed, unloaded stuff into the car, made sure I grabbed my empty Starfucks Venti Iced Skim Latte glass out of the cart, but forgot my ENTIRE PURSE!!

The fuck?

I got all the way home, unloaded groceries, peed, then went to get my purse so Zoe and I could go to the park. Except it was gone. GONE!

I never forget my purse. It's my inner 3rd generation New Yorker in me. It is like a growth off of my body. I swear I have a purse tumor.

Not only was it my purse, but my beloved cell phone. The one where I have three years of phone numbers. My only digital camera action.

We race back to Kroger. On the way I bit off all of my fingernails. The ones I have so carefully grown out over these past six months. A major sign of stress for me - to have bitten nails. Narly. That is so ill.

My purse was with the manager. Completly intact. Even still had Zoe's $15 (she did the coinstar thing - $15 bucks - wow! More than what I have now).

MY ENTIRE PURSE! The hell??

The Cement Commute

Zoe is passed the heck out. I should be too, but drank a diet coke at dinner and figure I'd post some of the pictures I took this evening on the bus.

Yes. The bus. I rode the bus and it was FUNKY.

Did I say it was funky? Because it was one up on funky. It was FUCKING FUNKY!

This is not my bus, but it was my view. Buses everywhere. And none of them can drive for shit!

This was the nasty funk on the seat in front of me. I couldn't tell if it was dandruff from someone's funky ass scalp (maybe the chick that groomed her eyebrows all morning), or if it was some wicked mold. If I were a betting chick, it was probably a mixture of both. Please note the uberugly fabric. It reminds me of Caesars in Lake Tahoe where the decor looked like some mobster's girlfriend had her way.

Here is the windowsill. It was full of dust (maybe more yellow mold) and a bunch of dead bugs. Guess the price of gas forced Metro to fire their bus cleaning staff.

Here is me. See the hand covering the mouth manuever. A seasoned professional at that. It was to keep myself from horking as not only was the bus funky/moldy/dusty, but it was STINKY. Why? Because the commuters of Houston are forced to wait in the hot sun for the bus. Standing outside for .0005 seconds brings up a sweat. And since a high percentage of those commuters, in all my scientific personal experience with them, do not FUCKING BATHE OR USE DEODERANT ... well... it's like a stink soup. You some stinky funky assed people. Damn.

Welcome to Houston. The state bird is the Orange Traffic Barrel. I tried to get the other shot I had (the one with over 20 barrels), but trying to take and upload pictures from my camera phone while trying to maintain service connection in Sprints shifty area... well, one barrel is all you get. But trust me. I think there are now officially more barrels per capita than in any other city in the world.

This picture I took specifically for the lovely Simplygreg. I hope that if you ever get down or discouraged about living out your dreams and saying "fuck you" to the man, just think... it could be this... funk/stink/mold/germs/sweat/barrels and lots and lots of cement barriers.

I hope you have a wonderful trip, G-man. I hope it is everything you want an then some.

.

Just having one of those kind of days.

Random Commuter Chick

Dear Ugly Blonde on the Bus,

I can see how it's a pretty easy thing to apply makeup while riding the bus. I have done it on occasion - sort of like multitasking. But spending 30 minutes plucking your eyebrows is a bit much, honey. It borders on obsessive compulsive. Let them grow - that skinny brow shit is so last decade.

Not to mention, all I can think about is someone sitting down on all your stray eyebrow hairs. It's like someone clipping their nose hair, IMO.

Now I remember why I started driving to work. It's almost worth the $40 a week in gas and $9 a day parking just to not have to sit across the aisle from freaks like you.

Thirty minutes??

Putridly yours,
debu_nogroominginpublic

P.S. Bad enough you plucked the whole ride, but did you HAVE to spray the eu de whore perfume ON the bus ride? Fucking bitch! That was some nasty smelling stuff.

I am 11 comments away from 500. Holy shite!

And still half nauseous from riding the damn bus.

What's that Noise?

Dear Girl in the Can on the Cell Phone,

Are you really sure this is a conversation that just. can't. wait?

I mean... I tried to pee really quietly, but I drink so much water and sometimes you just have to let the old kidneys go all out.

I'm sorry the other caller had to hear me pee, but lady, that's your own damn fault. I even flushed because I wasn't about to sit there until you said your goodbyes.

Call her back.

Bodily functionally yours,
~debu_urine

Blogate. Y'all are Tards

Reading this site today. A question was asked and I read something high-fucking-larious.

Seems this actress was written about in someone's blog. In kind of a not so flattering way. So every time someone Googles her name, they get this vicious blog entry. She then posed a question about what to do on a forum. And one of the answers pertained to a debu_event of long ago.

Way back in the day, I had pictures of a very homely couple on my blog. The photographer asked me to remove them, which I did not. Then I got an email from Resnik about how they would be contacting an attorney if I didn't. And his girlfriend basically journal entried on her blog and said she'd wipe out my "net worth" if I didn't.

I removed the pictures, mostly for the photographer because he was a cool dude, he asked me to, and basically it was his property or whatever. Well within his rights. So ok. Done.

But I still can voice my opinions all I want to. It's not slander if it's what I think.

So. A recap. Haiku style.

I fucked Jed the Bore
On my New York vacation
Then he dates this chick

Right after we fucked
How does my chonch taste, you troll?
Sloppy seconds, yum

I call her a cunt
And make fun of her big time
They both are so lame

I made them too mad
I then get banned from that site
Not a biggie though

Start up Debutaunt
And can write what I want here
But they come read it

It then goes away
I pretty much forget them
But see their IPs

They sling some insults
Because they can't stay away
Stuck on Debutaunt

Then I see their pics
And she really looks tranny
Like a chick in drag

She still stalks my blog
And they search and insult me
Using their IPs

So I post their pics
Which really makes them mad
But I think it's fun

So she threatens me
With some bullshit attorney
Like I have money

Get over yourself
I think you are so homely
And I can write that

So. There you go. I call this cunt out on her bullshit. I can say what I want. I can write what I want. It's my opinion. You didn't shut me down. You still come here and read my blog - I see yours and Jed's IP addresses. No matter how you come to my site, I see you. Now you want to act like your attorney was going to have all my future earnings and take my entire net worth. HA!

Considering my "net worth" is in a untouchable family trust for my child, you are retarded. I don't care how good of a lawyer you got there, Trannychick. I'm a single mom. Net worth of NIL. Have fun with that.

Because I said that Tranny Tulipano (oh, whoops. Google) was homely. And looked like a pre-op Transvestite. I'd post her picture, but it's posted elsewhere. Email me and I can send you the link. You can make up your minds for yourself.

Here are her comments that I read. Makes for a very good laugh:

"Katie, I'll give you the name of a VERY good attorney who helped me out with a similar little problem. Trust me, you have a lot of rights in a case like this. Had I decided to pursue the matter, I could have wiped out the net worth of the person who slandered me. But I was happy enough for them to just edit out the shit they blogged that was unfair and untrue. Do yourself a favor and capture a screen shot of the offensive crap."

"I hope so too! The person who was writing about me had been asked repeatedly to remove, at the very least, my name from their blog. They refused. I didn't want to contact a lawyer, but I was not given an option. Luckily, one of my dear friends is an amazing lawyer and he gave me the breakdown on my rights. And he was willing to provide me his services for free. So this person eventually figured out that it probably wasn't worth losing their future earnings over a blog."

I never had posted her name, but it was on the picture. So Google away. If you want to read her name, here it is. But the slander is basically that she now is in a relationship with this dude that fucked me for like 3-4 days in a NY hotel room. Big deal.

How is this slander? It's the truth. And my personal opinion is that she really is a pretty homely chick.

My net worth. Future earnings *snort*

What? Do they think I'm Diddy_taunt or something? Tards I tell you. And homely ones at that.

Yes, Candyfloss. I'm addressing the trolls again. Just funny. Couldn't pass it up.

Schmoga

This is the Yoga DVD I have been using.

Challenging for the inflexible like me, but she's not overly annoying. And it's a voiceover versus someone trying to do the workout and talk at the same time (because usually that fucks them up and makes it more confusing)

I got it at Ross or TJ Maxx for like 9 bucks.

The word of the day is

Bonercide.

Comes from seeing pictures like this.

Pass me the SPF 1340823934.

Thanks to Some Girl and Davezilla, I shall never tan again.

Yoga or Torture?

Genetically, my sister explained, the debu_family muscles weren't exactly made for yoga. She's probably the most fit person I know, but she says she is still very inflexible.

Did you know that this position

Is still completely impossible for me? Even with a five year old trying to push my grande ass all the way over my head.

But damnit I love it. It's hard as hell. And Zoe is uber flexible, so she likes to do yoga with me. Which I love, love, love.

"Mom. You're supposed to reach your hand all the way around your back and grab your other foot."

You know. The one that is on your thigh. Funny, but I can't even get my arm halfway across my back.

So if I ever get arrested, they will not be able to cuff me behind my back because I can't get my wrists anywhere near each other.

But the thighs. I have to say that all this exercise is making major difference in my thighs. And my ass.

So glad there's no one to see it.

Let's Just Say

That I got a good nights sleep.

Actually I didn't. But it has zero to do with staying up all night enjoying carnal pleasures into the night.

Apparently he called when I was in the shower. Too tired from soccer to get his freak on.

Good thing I didn't shave my legs. Although I did tidy up. But that was more for me and Zoe than anyone else.

(A)pathetic??

Ok, Sweaty/Sexy Soccer Player emails me. If he's not too tired after playing soccer tonight, he'd like to come over.

Come over = come have sex/whatthefuckever.

Why is it that all I can muster up is ... gee, now I have to tidy up my apartment.

Ok. That's fucking SAD, Deb. SAD I say.

I think I must need some foreplay. As it's been weeks since I've even been kissed properly (on my birthday). I've kissed SSP, but not much more than some intense making out. Maybe that's why I'm kind of nochalant about it all. Great kisser, not sure if he's great otherwise.

Eh. I'm still going to go to the gym and go about my biz. If I get any hopes up, I'm sure he will call to say he's too tired.

Why do all the sexy ones live so fucking far away?

All working out and no play makes Debu a dull ... Someone flirt with me. I'm losing my touch!

Oh shit. I just read that post I wrote about him. Perhaps if I know he's coming over I might just have to take a nice bath and re-read some of what I wrote about him last year.

Judas of the Protein Bar

Ok, I am eschewing my normal protein bars this week as they went back up to $1.99 each at Kroger (the bastards.)

A New Chew: A Haiku.

Luna Bar, Oh Joy
"Whole Nutrition Bar" for Chicks
Not for boys with dicks

So? If you are a dude and you eat these, will you grow boobies?

Why do weekends only last two days and the workweek five?

Ever Have

One of those days where you need a spoon and all you can find are knives, so you drink your yogurt with a straw?

oh. mmmkay. didn't think so. guess it was just me.

Himmeny Hominy

Ok, for our next Paypal experiment, we shall take up a collection to buy me a new home computer.

You see, it seems as if Y has posted this freaky ass video as an experiment to get people's reactions to it (NSFW apparently and NSFP* apparently).

Turns out that Mellie, aka the Big Weenie, is too afraid to watch it. Who by the way may be a Big Weenie, but is hella funny and has closed comments and I'm too lazy to see if she actually has email to email her and tell her how amusing she is to me. Especially at 1am. And Especially Especially at 1am and high on cold meds.

Also turns out that Deb and her shitty debu_computer can't figure out how to get the video to work on her shitty debu_Istillhavewindowsmillineum on my POS demon-possessed computer. You know, the one that starts programs on it's own? Or the one that you open a program and 10 minutes later it loads? The one that would never install the fucking printer drivers correctly? Or the one that makes weird noises all night? Yeah. That's the one. The debu_fuggedupcomputer.

So I either get donations because even though I might be able to afford one somehow someday, it's not a purchase that could be justified in my single mom mind.

Let's see... Deb needs new clothes (because she has shoes that literally are instant birth control) or buy a computer?

Food? or Fools?

Zoe needs swim/gymnastics lessons (because she is a bundle of totally coordinated energy) or Deb buys a new computer because she wants to surf random Yahoo profiles, talk to weird strangers on IM, and laugh at momblogs?

Wait. Damn life. Not fair. Paris Hilton wears a 24 karat Man Paris engagement ring, so why should I be forced to use this computer that has had over 8,867 viruses on it?

or.... even better

I could find me a hot looking 23-35 year old geeky dude to have wanton sex with so that he buys me a new computer, builds me a new computer, fixes this craptastic craputer, or is so good in bed that I never want to be on the computer again.

What the hell is that video? For all I know it's a home movie of George Bush's stag party.

What the hell am I doing awake? Again. For no apparent reason.

I think I should get donations for a mega-sized Tylenol PM bottle, some porn, and a dildo instead. I'd never be on the computer again. Problem solved.

*NSFP is Not Safe for Paige. Apparently there are "little people" in the video.

Random Randomness

I have a sneeze stuck in my nose.

I'm just simply addicted to blockbuster.com. I can't get enough. I got the Sopranos and watched like 4 hours of it into the wee hours of the night the other day. I watch then fall asleep, then wake up and restart them. Even though I'm sick as a dog and sit there with kleenex shoved in each nostril, I'm a crackhead.

I walked in the apartment the other day and the lights had gone out. The Sopranos CD was in the DVD player and it was playing. The music was on - kinda freaky.

I can't sleep when I have a fever. I wake up at weird hours and freak out.

People with accents that aren't Texan sound so bizarre and foreign to me. This one woman sounds like Roseanne Rosanna-Dana. Or maybe the Church Lady.

Having a fever at work is lame.

Having a fever at work and not being able to go home is even lamer.

Having a fever at work and not being able to go home and having work to actually do is the lamest of all.

Someone just told me a story of this girl who had sex with a guy so fat she had to move his fat roll to get to the goods. Then she had another date that ate dinner, had sex three times, puked and went home. Why people like this don't blog, I don't know.

Did I tell you that I still can't sneeze.

See how miserable I look. Send me home, you motherfuckers!

I feel drunk.

Ok, Paige told me to look into the light. Now I sneezed, but shot snot across my office.

I'm disgusting. Even to myself. Especially to myself.

Zoe is either on the daycare van or bussing to whereabouts unknown. I have zero idea. I'm freaking out and now have to sneeze again...

look into the light, all are welcome...

The World is Coming to an End

I am now a member of my daughter's PTO.

Should I go buy a poncho and a cookbook now?

Sniffity Sniff Sniff

Oh Cool Cherry Zicam Concentrated Cough Mist Plus D Oral Cough Suppressant Spray with Nasal Decongestant why do you fail me so?

Nothing better than Typhoid Debu feeling like crap at work than Typhoid Debu running out of all measly amount of sick leave and vacation days by Mid March.

Thanks for understanding. I hope you catch my ills.

Pass the kleenex biznitch.

Just Before... Wait... Wait...

Ok.

Is there nothing worse to you than your child crying and you are not able to comfort her. I mean really. There is NOTHING I can think of. Not. One. Thing.

Zoe was excited to meet her new teacher. She was excited about packing her backpack and her lunch. She was excited about eating the extra special breakfast I made for her. She was excited about wearing new clothes and getting dressed. She made me fix her hair in all its cuteness. She even sprayed "perfume" (aka kiwi cucumber body spray). She was excited and rushed me around all morning. "Get in the car Mommy, we are going to MISS THE SCHOOL BUS TO MY ELEMENTILIARY SCHOOL!!!" (yeah, she says it just like that.)

See? The excited child? See?

Except....

Said excited child bawled her head off the second she saw the school bus. "Momeeeeeeee, I want you to drive me to my school. I don't want to get on the bus."

Ten excited kids all hopped right on the bus, and my little pig-tailed sweetness would not get on that bus for one second. Cars lined up to get out of the apartment complex. Impatient drivers gave me eat doo doo looks. But I couldn't pry her little hands off my upper thigh. The bus driver (who looked mean; no wonder she was scared), said that Zoe could sit in the front to see where we were going. The neighbor girl offered to let Zoe sit next to her. Finally, about five minutes later, I literally had to sort of shove her up the stairs on the bus where she sat in the front seat.

Then the bus drove off with my heart dragging from the tailpipe.

Please, God. Let Zoe have a wonderful day. Please. Because I loved school and can't do this for the next 12 years.

Watch Out Bob Barker

I ran over road debris or something and had a big ol gash in my front tire. Had a flat, so spent a few hours with the boys from Discount Tire. Wanna know what takes the sting out of spending $176 on ONE freaking tire?

Watching Zoe act like a game show hostess showing off the BEAUTIFUL BRAND NEW TIRE!! I wish I could have taken as many pictures as she did of poses. The entire waiting room was cracking up. Good thing we are cashing in on her poise and talents...

Then her making "Scooby Doo Zombie Robot Faces."

Then once they started fixing my tire, her banging on the window and saying, "You dropped a screw (lugnut) under my mommy's car. Don't let them forget the screw or our tire will fall off. Mommy, I will watch them to make sure they do it properly." (see my poor Mitsubishi on the rack) I see a directorial debut for my dear mini-me.

Smooshy faces with mom. Notice that she obviously does not get her skin tone from moi.

And then she made me take a picture of her loose tooth. We named it her shark tooth as it's one tooth that looks a bit like two. My youngest sister had one and when it fell out, two grew back in. She thinks it's cool, and has been wiggling it for everyone. So, for your viewing pleasure, the Zoe Shark tooth

All signed up to go to school. We got to meet her teacher (seems like a total sweetie). When Zoe was being shy and wouldn't tell Mrs. R her name, Mrs. R said, "Is it Mathilda?" Always good to start out with a laugh.

And yay for later bus times!

Il Postinas Favoritas (I just made that shit up)

Stolen idea from the wicked cool Home Detention Lady.

In case you are new here, and don't want to speed dial through three plus years of posts, here are some of my personal favs.

FAVORITE POST EVER!

Phreaks and Freaks:
1. A date with the Bejeweled Tooth Freakazoid.
2. Mr. Bizarro and the Live Sex Show.
3. Miele, li penso necessità ¤i avere un exam della prostata
4. Thongs are way ... say it with me now!
5. The List of Things I just don't want to know.
6. Ibis. Nuff Said.

Debu_jiggawhat?
1. This is why they call me The Taunt (or is it the *&#%?)
2. Sex in the Burbs. Oh good Lord. This is NC-17. Sorry bout that.
3. The Real Deb Shady.
4. Respect the Motherfucking Mom's Night Off!
5, 6, & 7. Riding with the freaks of the commute. Icky ick ickity ick Just when you think it can't get any grosser. It does.
8. Getting fit and full of stink.
9. Christmas presents?
10. Love and hate haiku about meds.
11. If the cancer doesn't kill you, the daytime tv will.

My Zoe Baby
1. Zoe Infinity
2. How my Zoe got her name.
3. Gravy head.
4. Cutest baby EVER!
5. Cheerleader or Rocket Scientist...
6. What would Momo G Do?
7. Lookalikes.
8. The birdtalker speaks.
9. Look out Beckham!
10. Zoe's song.
11. Happy Halloween??
12. A born hustler.
13. The girl cracks me up.

Changes
1. A year in pictures. Quite the year.

These are some of my favorite posts during the time I was diagnosed with leukemia and had my stem cell transplant. I think eventually I would like to compile this difficult journey into a book of some kind. To see the entire path my life took, it's probably easier to start in my October 2005 archives. I know some of these posts are hard to read, but trust me, they were much harder to write.

22. Here. The start.
21. In the beginning, there were questions.
20. Worth fighting for.
19. Top 10 lists.
18. Why Sis #2 rocks out!
17. McDonalds makes me think of death too.
16. Just a little girl time with Trexie.
15. What it's all about.
14. All too real.
13. Love big or go home.
12. A concept that is too hard to comprehend.
11. New life. Love. Cure.
10. Lovely lovely Eric.. Not so much my post, but a letter written that is true love.
9. Always remember.
8. Faith, hope and fear.
7. Love you Paula.
6. One year old.
5. Never give up! Never ever ever ever.
4. The Bedhead.
3. Sometimes you just have to drop a few F bombs. RIP B.
2. Just too much information. Welcome to my world.
1. Resume life yet?

Sometimes you just need a good joke or two:
1. My perfect man.
2. Always be prepared.
3. Grossest joke of all time.

Wonder if there are any more? They've all gotten lost in my head!

Art - A Start

My office is pretty limited in decorations. I always think I can get fired or laid off at any minute, so I try to keep my personal belongings to whatever I can pack quickly into one box.

But no office would be complete without Zoe Halloween Year Round!

Big spooky spiders

And a ghost on the door

Zoe art is the best
Spooky aliens are cool
Stink like a robot

Peace and pumpkins in August to you all!

First

I can't believe my little Zoe is starting real kindergarten.

We meet the teacher tomorrow. And buy her school supplies.

You just might be in Texas if the first day of school lunch details:
Oven Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes and cream gravy, mixed vegetables, tossed salad, fresh mixed fruit, wheat roll, cold milk.

You'd think they'd rope calves and ride bulls at recess.

Results

"Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness." ---- Edward Stanley

I got a text message this morning from Zoe's dad:

"I am proud of you for getting into shape because Zoe really needs you around. Keep up the good work."

It's not optional anymore. I'm doing this just as much for her as I am for me. She's been more aware of eating right and exercising. And I want it to be a way of life for both of us.

So far, after 5 weeks, I have gained 6 lbs of muscle. I have lost a combined total inches of 4.75. About 1.5 inches on my waist and 1.5 inches on my hips. The rest were arms, legs, and neck. I did gain an inch on my thighs. But it's better than them getting fatter.

It's not much, but it's a start. And feeling better is worth all of it.

Tomorrow we meet Zoe's teacher. Then on to kindergarten.

I want to be around for all of it. And I plan on fighting tooth and nail to do so.

How could I not?

Post Your Favorite

Giraffe Joke.

I'm serious. I have this lovely Enginerd that works with me and he always has these adorable giraffe jokes. He's so damn sweet.

So I'd love to surprise him with a few new ones he hadn't heard yet.

Why don't giraffe's do drugs? (click to find out)

What did the momma giraffe say to the baby giraffe after its bath?

How do you sneak a giraffe into school?

Ok. Make me laugh.

Why you gotta go there?

Is it me or is this picture just completely heartbreaking? I don't know which part of it is worse; the look on his face or that image of that baby.

But, bitch, why do you have to send me this fucking bullshit with it?

You just lost all Brownie points with me!

Sleepy Baby

Ok. 8:30am meeting today. So I had to go in to the office like a normal employee and not at the laze of dawn like usual. I am now well versed in the matters of high rise fire safety (keep a flashlight at your desk and don't necessarily use the stairwell you go to during a fire drill as it may be filled with smoke. Never go up [unless you are an actor in a movie])

I had to wake Zoe up at about 6:40 this morning. She is soooo going to hate school. I can tell. I got her dressed and she was half asleep. Then I went to shower and she fell back asleep.

I took her to the daycare and she wasn't even hungry. Waffles no less. Then when I had to leave she was clinging to me like a wet pair of panties and didn't want me to go. She started crying until her preschool teacher came in and said to come back with her. I hope she can take a nap today. Otherwise we might have to skip the gym and go to bed at 8.

This is going to be an interesting semester. My poor little babe. There is nothing worse than walking out the door with your child upset.

I miss her. Even when she's here with me.

So Sexy

Dear Mr. Smelly Man That Rode In With Me This Morning:

No. I won't go have a "friendly drink" with you. It has nothing to do with the fact that I "don't do Black?"

It has more to do with the fact that:

a) You smell. It's 8:30 am. Bathe, you freak!
b) You actually said to me, "You don't do Black?"
c) Your bejeweled gold teef.
d) You said you were: married
e) Then you said you were: engaged
f) Then you said you were a bachelor and even though your fee-yonce lives in a different apartment from you, you still had your own "space." Translation: you fuck around.
g) You were ugly.
h) Did I say that you SMELL? Like bad. Like your cologne did not overpower your obscene body odor.

Ah. Commuting with the Freaks of America.

Deodorantly Yours,
debu_sensitivenose

Marvin Zindler - Slime in the Ice Machine

Ok, if I end up puking today it is because I just ate a carrot covered in SLIME.

How can that be? Au contrare. They are so healthy...

"Eat 5 to 9 A Day for better health."

Just be sure they aren't covered in SLIME!

The Shoe Haiku

Ode to the new sneaks
Make me feel like Lance Armstrong
Without the fast bike

Why is it that no amount of sleep or lack thereof makes me feel any more rested?

Zoe says that since her room is still unfinished, she doesn't want to sleep in her new bed. I feel like I keep waking up all night because I've got a tiny foot in my kidney. I'm tempted to go sleep in her bed tonight.

I hope to finish her room, but I have decorator fear. I generally hang too much up on the walls. Always too much.

I want my Sis to do the decorating. She has less mess in mind.

These shoes are great. Too bad I'm stuck sitting on my ass all day.

Go Texans

Ok, not only is Sis #1 smokin' hot, but she's hella cool, sweet, funny, super smart, and a badass when it comes to all things sports. (and yeah, all of my sisters are so wicked amazing it's scary!)

We got to go to the Texan's Training Camp Saturday night. Sis #1 dressed up in full fan regalia (she makes all her own outfits - they look awesome). People wanted to take pictures with her, she looked so awesome. The jersey is detailed with all kinds of sequins, as is the skirt. I swear she should market them, they are so badass looking.

Zoe and her cousin had a great time, despite the heat. It was a busy weekend with kiddo kiddo, but she's back, registered for school, and now is at daycare - where they got to go on a field trip.

It was so emotional picking her up from the airport. I had been running errands all morning registering her for school and picking up a certified birth certificate (a nightmare), that when I finally got to the airport, I realized I was bawling. Then I ran up to her and hugged for like five minutes. She was kissing me all over. So good to have her home. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her cute face.

She and her cousin were shouting 'Go Texans!' She loves sports and I'm thinking she might just take after her Aunt.

It was a fun day. I wish I could take a few days off to spend with Zoe, but work is a callin. Damn the luck.

Toasty Goodness

Best. Toaster. EVAH!

Thank you Ms. Pants! I was like... what the hell is this big ass box doing on my doorstep? I was totally thinkin' I'd be getting an exercise DVD or something since MP said she was sending something to casa_debu.

But it turns out the sexy Ms. Pants ordered up that cool red toaster from my Wishlizzle.

My daughter is allllll over it. She LOVES toast and was going on and on about how we now have a red toaster, and how it's her toaster, since red's her favorite color and all.

How cool is that?