debutaunt.com

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

I am still kicking ass.

My numbers are down from 171K to 29K. Me and Uma are still kicking ass.

But I am one tired mofo as I got some funky fever. It's been 102.7+ and all.

So basically I can't leave until its gone.

I feel ok. Just a wee bit tired and when the fever comes, I feel really achy.

So anyway, please send me some good thoughts and hope that these antibiotics kick the fever's ass. Because it makes me not feel so good.

Thanks for the love. I feel so safe.

I love my family. I love them so much. I love my friends. And I love my internet peeps.

*smooches*

Last Night

Me and my chemo, Uma, got all fucking assassination mode last night.

Chemo kills all your blood cells - the white and the red. The white cells are the ones that went bonkers and reproduced at a crazy rate - thus the cancer of your blood. When I first was tested on Friday when I was admitted to MD Anderson, my white blood count was 125,000. The normal rate should be below about 11,000.

Well they skyrocketed on 10/27 to 171,000. My first day of chemo only blasted 1,000 cells. I was thinking... shit... How long is this going to take?

Now the bad news is that my red blood count is really low. Like low enough that I need a platelet transfusion this morning. They should be around 140-440 and mine are currently at 3. THREE! So this is dangerous because I can bleed really easily - like bruise bad or have internal bleeding if I'm not careful.

But last night, after that rough fucking day from hell, I listened to this feng shui Natures Meditation cd that my massage therapist left me the other day. It was surreal. I had to be medicated with a lil sumpin sumpin as I just couldn't seem to calm down last night.

So I sat here in the dark, a little high, with the music on, and looked at pictures on the web of Uma (one I posted) and thought that I can do this and I will. Not an option - but a fact.

Zoe's name is Greek for "Full of Life," or "Life Giving." And she truly is the reason I am going to fucking fight like hell on this one. So she is completely living up to her name.

So, my friends, guess how much ass me and Uma kicked yesterday? I was at 170,000 crazy white blood cells and this morning I'm at:

60,600 white blood cells.

WOO!

I'm kicking ass. I feel ok, but the blood sugar issues are still a little wonky from some of the meds.

Ok. Time to eat.

Peace and More Peace.

Today's assignment: Put on some music that will make you do something inspirational.

Bitch Like No Other

Change in the Weather

Ok.

Dear Dr. Leukemia.

Thank you for knowing what type of leukemia I have.
Thank you for helping me kick this cancer's ass.
Thank you for reading my chart and deciding what I need to do.

Thank you for stressing me the fuck out this afternoon by telling me now that I will be discharged on Monday instead of a month from now like you've been telling us for the last week. Fucking douchebag.

Thank you for putting my family (mostly Sis #1) in the horrific situation to try to figure out who will now be taking care of me when I'm at my sickest and need help getting my immune system back.

Thank you for making me sob for two hours after you said:

"Oh, your treatment is going well. You should be able to go home next week."

ME: "What? I thought I was going to be here for a month."

DICK: "Who said that?"

ME: "Well that's what everyone's been saying since I got here."

DICK: "Who is everyone?"

ME: "Well pretty much everyone. Including you. You said it front of my sister (uh, shithead, the uber organized retired lawyer/goddess) when she was needing some kind of timeline so she could figure out what was going to happen to me when I was discharged."

DICK: "No, I never said that."

ME: "Well that's what they've been saying since I've been here. That's what you said"

NURSE: "Well we wouldn't do that because you aren't over 50."

ME: "But that's what you all have said to us. My sister was making arrangements based on that information. That I would have chemo for a week and then would be here for approximately the next three weeks trying to bring my immune system back from death."

DICK: "Well why don't you ask the cleaning lady (who happened to be in the room), I'm sure she'd know."

Dick turns and leaves.

And scene.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. Yay. You're flippant and funny, yet you just dropped a shitbomb on me and my family. I was simply tired last Friday and now I have cancer.

I have a huge support system, but when it's the middle of the night and I'm sick or sitting on my bed with my hair falling out - well I'm alone. I know I have friends and my family I know that basically I have to be a fucking bitch and do what I've been doing (which I suspect is what made me sick in the first place) which is to just fucking take care of myself. That everyone has lives and stuff and issues and I just need to fucking take care of myself. I need to deal with this and not be dramatic and just say... yay. I can do this. I have cancer and I'm going to have to do all this fucking shit like go to the hospital 3-4 times a week for transfusions and monitor my blood sugar and remember to eat and make sure I don't have a temperature or be around anyone who is sick and not see my kid because she has germs and gets sick often...

Oh fuck it. Fuck it. I can't fucking stand this right now.

I can't stop crying. My blood sugars are too high and this shithead endocrinologist doesn't know WHAT THE FUCK SHE IS DOING. If I have a sugar level of 340 and I eat a power bar for dinner because I don't want to eat too much food to make them go higher (they fill me with steroids which jack up your levels anyway) then you can't just give me 10 units of insulin and then make me wait 3 hours before you give me the 35 units you should have fucking given me before I ate the stupid Goddamn power bar.

I want to deal with Dracula Blood, I shouldn't have to be monitoring and worrying about something that isn't brain surgery. Diabetes can be controlled. It's more difficult when you are sick, but it can be controlled if you know what you are doing.

You can't give me the most stress possible (by telling me that basically I am going to be on my own come Monday when I finish my chemo and put stress on my family to figure out my situation in two days), and then wonder why you can't bring my blood sugars down. Stress makes them go up. You people are stressing me the fuck out.

My nurse just gave me something to calm me down. My face feels like it's 100 degrees and it's all red from having high blood sugars.

I'm trying to calm down, but have been crying and now have a kleenex stuffed up my nostril because my platelets are so low that my nose is bleeding.

I am glad to be getting out of here because I will maybe get a chance to heal. To be calmed. To be loved. And to get some sleep.

But I'm also trying to give up the issue to God about trying to figure out who is going to take care of me and drive me 3-4 times a week to the hospital and watch my blood sugars and make my food and whatever else may be going on when I'm home dealing with the after effects of putting tons of poison into my body.

I just wish that this were easier. I knew it wouldn't be. But you would think that it could be. It doesn't have to be like this. And they don't have to be such fucking dicks about it.

I know I can do this, but the DICK is lucky he left the room before I had my say. I have to deal with his prick ass for the rest of the weekend, but my patient advocate is helping me switch doctors come Monday.

Give blood.

Yeah. Shaddup. I know I can do this, but right now I'm justa debbitching.

I'm going to sleep. And when I wake up I will continue to kick cancer's ass.

I would love to have my mom take care of me, but my father is having part of one of his toes amputated on the 9th of November. She needs to take care of him, AND she doesn't drive on the freeways (not to mention, the freeways here are of hell - so they are like the devil's freeway).

The "living with leukemia" video shows a man with his "spouse" taking care of her. Hmmm... does the spouse come with the chemo??

Grrrr

Am I sleeping yet

Um. I have cancer. How do you expect me to kick its ass if you won't let me sleep?

I had specialists, doctors, nutritionists, social workers, researchers, and one woman I actually WANTED to meet with (the one who runs the kid life program) in my room ALL day from 10am to 5pm.

It's the nature of the hospital beast, but it's now made me nearly have laryngitis.

It's now peaceful in my room. Quiet. Homey. My friends Paige and Beatleman came by and organized my room to make it more cozy. You know someone loves you when she will paint your toenails to spare you visitor embarrassment.

I finally was able to dump my nemesis, the Granny Can, and now have a new room. It sort of looks like a hotel room, sans carpet, but has a private bathroom - complete with shower. They still have to monitor my pee, but at least they don't have to drag it out (humilitating for me) in a bag. They note it and flush it.

Today was also the saddest so far. Sis #2 hooked up their webcam and I got to see Zoe. She was typing stuff to me - today was wear your pajamas to school day so she typed new words (the ones on her jammies) 'CRAZY SHOPPING.'

Then she asked if she could see me tomorrow. I'm not allowed off of the floor anymore because I now have chemo. So there no way to see her. I didn't even really know what to say to her, so I said, "well they won't let me see any kids because they don't want any germs near me." She said "But I don't have any germs." I choked up. It was totally killing me.

I met with a specialist today who told me about her experience with breast cancer. She runs the kids program here. She said she was a single mom with a four year old (who is now 13) and told me that she didn't get all dramatic with her cancer, but involved him in it - like taking him with her to get her head shaved. She and I said that we can call it leukemia, but we gave it a funny nickname - so now my leukemia is now called DRACULA BLOOD.

She also told me to explain the medicine as a video game. The chemo is a super hero and it is going in to my Dracula Blood to kill all the bad guys. It was very reasurring to meet with her. Like.. hey. There is a survivor who worked when she was outpatient chemo, and who was a single mom too. I can do this.

I still feel ok, but am just tired from meeting with people all day. I met with a neurologist to discuss the constant headache and he did a full workup. He said that I didn't have any neurological reason for it, but it's most likely caused by a) stress, b) my jacked up sinuses or c) the tension in my neck from when I got rear ended while fleeing Hurricane Rita. I was very relieved to hear that.

I was also uber embarrassed because he had like 5 interns with him. And I had the most heinous pedicure of all time, since fixed thank God, but still. Also mom took my clothes to be washed and the only shirt I had was this cheetah print camisole that I bought for part of a halloween costume once upon a time (see the hospital gowns are hot and don't make for good sleep) It was like super tight and I am wearing some yoga pants that are as well. I'm like... great... they are thinking I'm a chemo hooker or something.

Sis #1 bought me some new stuff though. Very exciting. So between that and what Sis #2 bought me the other day (perfect tanks that are long, but great fabrics), I think I have a pretty swank hospital wardrobe.

She also bought me some kickass sock puppet monkey pajamas. It makes for a great cover up and are so funky and cool.

My boss came to see me yesterday. He really is a peach when he's not bringing me stuff at 4:30 to rush out. I could tell he was really nervous and kind of sad, but I hope that seeing me made him feel better. He brought me this:

fun n games in the debu_room

I have decided to wait to cut my hair in case... well in case... and if/when I have to, I will.

So for posterity... Here it is, in all the debu_manevainglory

The hardest part of my day was a webcam/Zoe moment. She was crying and asked me to sing to her *our* special songs.

One is some song I had on a CD that I used to play when I was pregnant and when Zoe was little. It is a celebrity CD that has some major celebs singing kid songs. There is a song on there sung by Meryl Streep:

Tell me why
the stars do shine
tell me why
the ivy twines
tell me why
the sky is blue
and then I'll tell you
just why I love you

Because God made
the stars to shine
because God made
the ivy twine
because God made
the sky so blue
because God made you
that's why I love you.

And then there's one I made up for Zoe. Now that I read it, it is kind of sad to me.

You are my superstar
and I am wherever you are
you are my shining star
my Zoe girl
(repeat)

I sang them to her and she was crying. I had tears in my eyes, but was squeezing my rosary so hard so that she wouldn't know I was crying. I pray for strength. I have to. It is not an option. I love my family. I love it that they were there for her when she was sad. That there is someone that I knows loves my child and could be there to hug her. To bathe her and fix her hair and read her books at night. If I didn't have them, I could not do this. If Zoe were with strangers, there is no way I could do this. I am blessed for them. So blessed.

But I miss her so much. I cry at night and hug the Zoe monkey. In this place I missed being hugged so much - nearly as much as I miss my bed.

I thank God that I wasn't just *poof* dead or something, but God how do I miss that child. I am going to fight this fucking cancer like there is no tomorrow. Even if it is just so I can kiss and hold that child just one more time. Fuck you, Leukemia. Eat shit. Fuck you. I hate your fucking freakish white blood reproducing ass. I hate you for making my child sad. For worrying my friends and family. I hate you for all this shit that I'm going through. Fuck fuck fuck you! Oh. And FUCK YOU!

You will NOT take me away from my baby. You might as well kill me now if you think I'm just going to roll over and never see that sweet child's face again.

I have God, my Zoe, my family, my friends, and the power of the internet on my side. So, Dracula Blood, start packing yo shit right now!

I can do this!

Monkey on My Back

Chemo commenced. You suspect that once it starts going into your body that it would be like on fire, but so far, just the same as the meds. I'm sure I'll have the ick stuff soon, but bring it bitches. I'm tired of your asses.

And my mom was able to visit tonight. I don't think I have hugged her that long in my entire life.

Wanna know bitchy??

There is this girl who used to cut my hair. She and I had sort of a falling out when Longkiss (a friend) and I mended fences.

So anyway... The doctor said 100% I will lose all my hair. The nurses said it's better just to cut it short so you don't wake up with these huge clumps of your hair on your pillow.

So my friend D1 asked this former hairdresser :cough:jillthebitch:cough: to come give me some cute short haircut...

and the BITCH REFUSED.

I mean... wtf???

So D1 is trying to set it up for me soon. I don't know when it starts, but I guess I will get to wear my new Texans Battle red cap my sister had the starting lineup sign for me... *swoon* David Carr actually signed "God Bless You."

Then I'm going to bust out some funky ass wigs.

Poke Poke Buzz Buzz

My nemesis - The Granny Can

So far, for being as sick as I am, I feel pretty danged good. Pray that I don't get any fevers or infections because so far I haven't had any fever. I love it when they check my vitals and are like... nope, no fevers. The small triumphs are the best and will probably be daily goals of mine.

My white blood cells are having a fucking heyday though. Yesterday they were 136,000 and today they are up to 161,000. Um. That's kind of scary as hell since they are supposed to be below 10,000. But fuck them. Me and my chemo are soon coming to reckoning day on their funky reproducing asses.

I haven't started the chemo yet. The orders are given, but the pharmacy has to be the ones to give the final orders. I don't want to know all too much about it because my nurse told me that each patient reacts differently. Some have lots of nausea, some none. Some lose hair, some don't. So I just am going to do it and not think about it. I only dread it if it gives me the trot-skis because then it is just me and Granny Can. Maybe I'll get a stack of Star Magazines to read while I'm ... oh.... sorry. Way the fuck too much info. My bad.

My main issues are that my blood sugars are a little jacked. I made a call to my own Endocrinologist to get this shit straight. Controlling diabetes isn't rocket science, but you can't take someone's blood sugar when they are eating - helloooooo???

That and the fact that I'm sore. Too much bed time and not enough moving. I think a massage is going to happen today. That and a pedicure would be heaven. And nearly normal.

This morning I made a jail break and went downstairs. I had on rubber gloves, a mask and was carrying my IV tower. Even though I looked a bit space alien, nothing felt better than walking into the hospital Starbucks, ordering an iced venti non-fat latte, and sitting on a bench outside in the cool air. I parked myself a bit in the lobby on these lounge chairs. It was wonderful, but also frightening as this might have been my last venture outside of my room for a long while.

After they give you the chemo, your immune system is like a newborn. You can't be around people or crowds and could die from a simple cold. So contemplating for a second that this could possibly be my last time outside or even my room, I nearly faltered in my fierceness.

But then there's Uma. I was eating breakfast yesterday and flipped on the tv. I don't watch most of it because it's so boring during the day. So kind of in a trance, I leave it on Regis' show. He's there with his wife just blah blah blah, dull dull dull, and then guess who his guest star is?

Uma Fucking Thurman. UMA FUCKING BADASS THURMAN. The bitch that is going to help me kill the 99s that are my evil mutating blood cells.

“When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge, it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, you’re doing his will.”

I totally took it as a sign and if anyone knows Uma, I am one day going to meet that chick and shake her badass Kill Bill hand.

[aside] Before I told you all to savor your shower. Your assignment for today is to go outside for a brisk walk and really breathe in the air. [aside over]

This morning was lovely, and somewhat tinged with sadness like when Zoe came to see me Saturday. I was dressed in full patient/alien garb, and I had to go to the 2nd floor as kids under age 12 aren't allowed at all on this floor. As I walked up, I saw the fear in her eyes. She didn't know what to make of it and finally came up and hugged me. I told her hugs make mommy get well faster. She said she was afraid to sit in my lap because she didn't want to hurt me, but I told her that it was ok.

When she sat on my lap, I explained a bit to her about what was going on. I said that Mommy's blood was sick, and the medicine in the tower was what was going to make her better. That this big hu-mang-ous (that's how she says it) hospital was the best one to make mom's blood better. I also told her that the medicine was so powerful that it might make mommy's hair fall right out. But that was kind of funny because now she and my Sis #2 could go shopping for funny hats and wigs for me. She looked at my iv and I showed her how it worked.

She finally calmed down a bit and when she started doing the cartwheels again, I knew I had my Zoe back.

I think all of this is so much harder on my family and friends because I am strangely calm. Oh, I've had my moments like last night when I had a bad headache and could not sleep (I suspect it's mostly tension headaches and soreness from not being as active). I was also missing my mom (she's finally able to come up from San Antonio - she's been taking care of my sweet dad as he had surgery last week.) I can't wait to see her.

When times get rough around this place though - and they are many, I flip through my comments, read the emails y'all send, talk on the phone, and look at the present my Zoe brought me .... When she showed up she gave me her "oranga-matanga" she got at the zoo. Zoe's monkey goes with me everywhere - to MRIs, x-rays, biopsies, and just for a stroll around. My IV tower has a little cubby and he fits perfectly. All these things remind me how blessed and safe I truly am.

I can do this.

Biopsy or Bioopsy?

Debu_kickingcancer'sass FAQ:

1. If you read the prior day's entries, well I guess I was feeling kinda crappy. I barely remember writing any of it as I was so tired. Friday I woke up as usual to go to work, but had a bad headache and some tingly arm stuff going on. I called my sis at the crack of ass and asked her to take Zoe to school after she dropped me off at the ER in cracker city (the burbs where I live). I really needed to be at work, and nearly didn't go. I mean... I didn't feel any more exhausted that I usually do for work. Right? Right? (I know you moms feel me on this)

My cat scan and other tests were all A-OK. But then chicken doc nonchalantely said... But your white blood count is pretty high. I'm thinking... Ah. An infection - derr. So I ask ... "how high?"

Well it's supposed to be under 11,000, but yours is 125,000.

At this point, I think he's mistaken. I was like.. um. ok.

SHIT.

Later, the hemotologist confirms it wasn't lab error. By an act of Grace, one phone call allowed me to get transferred to one of the best hospitals in the country. So. If you are stuck with this fucked up leukemia, this is the place to be.

2. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm going to kick this cancer's ass. I refuse to worry about any of this as I pretty much gave it all up to God when they first told me. Let Him worry about it. I have a kid I love and want to raise and in order to see her, I have to get my dumb ass better. I don't have time to worry about later, just tell me what I need to do next. At this motherfucking minute. I'll handle the rest of it, and what I can't, it's God's mess to deal with.

3. This hospital's food is pretty freaking good. Not just good for hospital food, but good for food in general. Although from what I understand, the food tastes of nothing when you go on chemo. They said not to eat any of your favorites as after chemo, the smell of it will make you sick and you will never want to eat it again. Basically, this is the ultimate diet. And I better not be the only fucking girl who has chemo and doesn't lose weight. Now that would make me one seriously pissed off beyotch.

4. I have become very intimate with the Granny Can (the toilet that doesn't flush). Definition: Ew.

5. Someone asked if I could have sex in my room. If there was a lock, I'd be tempted. (oh, wait. there's no dude to have sex *with*) But it's basically Grand Central Station with masks, gloves and gowns. Too bad the only latex action going on in this crib will be the damn rubber gloves. Although the docs here. Um. Wow. Just wow. Too bad I look like bizarro woman with tubes and the most heinous of all hospital gowns. Soooooo not flattering.

6. I am apparently an amazon woman. The peeps here are kind of freaking out that I don't really have the typical symptoms of someone with my kind of leukemia (which is called A L L, which is all long and spelly and I don't feel like looking it up for you). When the doc did some tests on me this morning, she was like... dang. You're strong. Uh, yeah. I ain't no wimpy girl. Get used to it.

7. Aside from the headache here and there, and some random weirdness in my left hand, I actually feel pretty freaking good. I think it probably is because I'm not having to take care of Zoe all while not feeling so well myself. Which is apparently what I have been doing for quite some time. It's still hard to care for yourself, but when you know that you can eat a hot meal and not have to stop to wipe someone's butt in the middle of dinner - well - let's just say it's a wee bit more relaxing.

8. I have now been poked 45 times in 3 days. IVs, blood draws, blood sugar tests, biopsies, meds, and on and on. You'd think my blood was freaking Iraq Oil at the rate they all want it.

9. If you misplace your cell phone, check your crotch.

10. Go. Right now. And take a shower or a nice bath. My room does not come with a shower, so I have to schedule one. And even then, because I had this biopsy-in-my-ass-hip thingy this morning, I am not allowed to take a shower. So please. Go bathe for me. And appreciate it. Use some good smelly body stuff too.

11. I have awesome friends. Even the strange internet ones. I can't describe the love I feel. I mean, so weird. I should be scared to death, but I feel safe in their love. Ok. Well that's like way gay, but damn, it's true. They all pitched in and bought me a laptop so I could stay connected. Oh wait. Selfish bitches. They just want me to entertain them as usual. All right. I'll try.

12. I have an even more amazing family. See. All these people think I'm mean and bitchy, but apparently I must have been like Mother Theresa in a previous life because I was blessed with the most kickass family a girl could get. There is no better.

13. Zoe is with Sis #2. She and her hubs have 4 kiddos. Zoe has grown up with them and is just like one of the gang. My sisters and I were all pregnant at the same time - so we all have 5 year olds. They have other kids, but I've always considered all their kiddos like my own. They are like little sweet parts of my heart. I could not adore them more.

When we all had our kids, we'd sit around and breastfeed in the same room. So basically me and my sisters are the "Tres Leches." Since I'm incapacitated rightaboutnow, my sister's have done their leche duty and are taking on my Zoe for me. I could not have asked for any better. I know they love her like I do. And this comfort is the only thing that is making this entire ordeal bearable. The only thing.

14. Note to hospital administrators: sharing rooms sucks ass. At the Chicken Cornpone hospital I had to share a room with a mom who only spoke Spanish. Her teenage daughter was visiting and basically had the phone connected to her ear. "No you DINT. You DINT. Nut uh. I forgive you. You know why. I'm not going to tell you. Well then I DON'T - forget you." Thank Hey-Zeus that I have a private room here. I don't want to see no 80 year old boob.

15. When you really need to reach something and are in your room, it will be exactly right there out of reach.

16. Did I mention that I hate peeing in the Granny Can? Oh. Yeah. I did.

17. I actually do miss my coworkers. My lovely enginerds and the girls. Work was always just work - not bad, not great - I didn't mind it and it paid the bills (somewhat). But I miss being there. I miss not thinking about any of this whirlwind and just doing a good day's work. Downtown with the tunnels, the quick vendors, and interacting with people who weren't wearing masks, gloves, and hospital gowns Makes you sad to hear the words - you probably won't be working for another year and a half. I can't think about that now. But still...

18. I hate daytime tv.

19. I miss my Zoe. I miss her so much. I have to take care of me and her pictures remind me exactly why. There is NO other option. It's not a choice. It's not a challenge. It's just fact.

20. There are some really sick people here. I'm going to try (with your help) to laugh through this whole fucking mess. Because while I may be sick, I'm still a snarky, sick, stubborn beyotch.

Peace and Peeing in the Granny Can!

*snort*

Only the debu_taunt would get random weird dudes trying to pick her up by IMing her on yahoo messenger while sitting in the hospital awaiting treatment for leukemia.

So sexxy!

Cos if it's weird, it will happen to me. And then, of course, I will write about it for your reading pleasure.

Thanks for the love. I mean it.

Ok. I'm Blessed Beyond Words

Yes. Leukemia. I have leukemia and am now in a Cancer Kicking Ass hospital.

Too much to say right now.

I love you all. Beyond mere words.

You can pray for me, but don't be sad. I'm planning on kicking ass like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.

Because as someone reminded me today; I'm one FIERCE BITCH!

There's a story to be told, but right now I'm all kinds of IV'd up, I have been poked more times than Paris Hilton, and I start my chemo tomorrow.

Just do me favor and keep in touch. Make me laugh. I could use a wee bit o' love right about now.

Peace and More Peace.

OPD Update

Operation Panty Drop Update

Collected

273 pairs of underwear in all sizes, sexes, ages
6 pairs of socks
40 newborn onesies

I am so thrilled at the turnout. I didn't think we'd collect so many, but they came from all parts of the world - Canada, Minnesota, United Kingdom, Texas, and a big outpouring from Cali.

Deb_U_pdate

Camping was fun.
We got sick.

Zoe has bronchitis and a fever. She missed two days of school and now I'm all kinds of sad that she won't get perfect attendance.

I am home sick. Now I have missed three days of work, unpaid I might add.

I have a twitchy eye, a fever, body aches, and blisters on my face from a sunburn, which I got camping even though I tried to be all up in the shade. I have had a headache for about 8 days now. I can't seem to sleep at night and even though my AC is on 68, I feel like I am burning up and toss and turn all night. Zoe coughs on me all night. We are a sad sad pair.

I feel like shit. I feel like I have the flu without the cold part of it.

And the worst thing is that I'm sure I have a ton of work to do at the office, and I'm sure they don't believe that I am sick. Because I'm sick all the damn time.

This is the worst thing about having diabetes. If you get a secondary illness, it is like the King Kong of sickness. And it lasts for a long fucking time.

I need to go see my doctor, but he is on the other side of town and I don't like driving my car with this damn twitchy eye. I have to go see him. Fucking twitchy eye and all.

I think I need the week off to just recuperate and take care of myself. I miss my mom.

My dad is having surgery today on his foot. Some sort of vascular roto-rooter on his foot to improve circulation so they don't have to amputate his toes. I feel so selfish being sick as it's my Sis #2's birthday and my poor dad is having surgery. I want to hide.

Too bad I didn't hide this entry.

Boo!

I'd be a scary woman if I had photoshop.

Wait. I'm a scary woman without photoshop.

Infomercials

So. What do you do when you should be sleeping and you have a big weekend ahead of you?

Why you wake up at 3:30 with a stuffy nose and then watch shit tv.

BTW, I want an Ijoy massage chair. It's got to be pricey as they actually never mentioned how much it cost. Just that other chairs like it can cost up to $4,000.00.

I am tired as hell and now I'm tired as hell and I can't seem to breathe out of my left nostril.

Camping with all kinds of bugs, high near 90 during the day, and mold spores galore in the air is going to be fun! Good think there were be a wee bit o' alcohol to help us not notice.

667 - October 13th - Venturing out

Ok. I passed Post #666. And October 13th is a wee bit shy of being halfway over. No devastation... just yet. I don't know why, but I really will be glad when tomorrow comes. Probably because we are going camping.

Curly girl posted on getting over the ghost of your ex.

I think I have great difficulty getting over most of my exes. Probably because the majority of the breakups weren't horrible or difficult. I still have lust over my college boyfriend. We were engaged and he flipped out after graduation and broke up with me. This was traumatic to me and I cried for like three months. He was such an honorable man, even if he did marry a hook-nosed bitch. But it was his goodness that makes me love him. He was sweet. A runner and a writer. I recently found an old box and there were notes in there from him. One written on the back of a beer label. It's hard to let them go when you are so fond of them.

I don't know if Dr. Egypt counts as an ex. We just drifted apart, but when we talk, he is like those old friends that even though you don't see them often, just know you. I will always love him. Even if I never see him again.

Chef. Well that one was easy to get over. He was so disgusting that I wanted to kick myownself for dating him.

And then there was The Boy For Sex. That relationship was complicated in and of itself, but there wasn't this horrible breakup. We actually still hang out and talk several times a week.

But I know that perhaps why I haven't moved on and probably will remain single has less to do with my fat ass and more to do with my fat head... which is full of ex boyfriends.

I'm Giddy

Zoe's learning to read. So every night we spend about 45 minutes reading books. She points out the words she's learned, and when I see a good word that I think she could sound out, I let her.

I don't think I can describe how exciting this is to me. I spent so many hours as a child reading, and I still do. It's a whole new world.

If I could do a cartwheel, I would.

We are going camping again this weekend. I'm hoping that it gets a wee bit cooler, although I've read that it might be like 57 at night. 57 degrees. That's like porn to me. I love the cold weather and can't wait for it to return.

SmartnSexy

Ok. My sister didn't win The Ultimate Texans Fan contest. But she looked absolutely fabu. So I think that counts for more. The Texans Freak and Freak, Jr. won. Sis wasn't too mad because she said at least they are true fans.

I contacted the photographer from the Bullpen Site, and he said it would be ok to post her pics.

Wow! Hottie McHotster:

I think it's awesome that my sister's thighs are fitter and more muscular than the dude behind her. He has to pad his.

My sister. Well it would be pretty dang easy to hate her because she lives such a great life, but you just can't because she's such a superb human being - and a fantastic sister. That's how all my siblings are too.

I may do lots of things wrong in my life, but I think in a previous life I must have done okay to have such a wonderful family.

Don't Let Ms. Nature Get All Up in your Grillpiece

Ok. I'm just overwhelmed with all of these natural disasters. The Tsunami, hurricanes, mudslides in Guatamala, wild fires, floods, earthquakes and buried kids, and bizarro snow storms.

I personally think that Bush's Operation Piss off the Planet finally has really pissed off the planet.

Mother Nature can be much more evil at times than Sadam or Osama.

P.S. October 13th is tomorrow. My neighbor's mom's psychic predicted destruction for Houston.

5 more to 666

I just realized I almost have 666 entries on this blog. Then the circle will be complete and the world can end.

Pina Colada sugar free gum. Just say no.

Grown ups shouldn't do Halloweeny things at the office. Now I have to get 2 pieces of candy and foward on the Boo. Bleh. Is it bah humbug if you aren't into it? I love Halloween with the best of them too, but I'm just not into it.

Totally bummed, but my sister didn't win The Ultimate Texans Fan contest. She looked most fabu yesterday too. But I tried to cheer her up by dressing her daughter and Zoe up in their Texan's cheerleader outfits. The Astros win made up a bit for the Texan's loss. Oh well, good fans stick by through thick and thin - my sis is a diehard and the best kind of fan!

Rumpshaka Rumpshaka

"Mom, what's a candy spot?"

"Um. I don't know. Where did you hear that?"

"It doesn't matter. What is a candy spot?"

"Well I have no idea. I could probably put it into context if you told me where you heard it."

I was thinking... great... she's all up into MTV again and that candy shop video. Ass cheeks galore, boobs all hanging out everywhere, wanton lust and candy.

"You know, mom. The candy spot. Where people with wheelchairs park in the blue place."

heh.

Out. Mouth. My babe.

Post Modern Day Erma Who???

Ok. Everyone is all up in love with Dooce.com. I have been at times as well.

I get it. She's funny. She's constipated. She's neurotic. She has a cute kid a cute husband and a cute dog. Makes you laugh, makes you cry.

But I clicked a link on her site to see the cost to advertise there (just was curious)

1 week ($500)
2 weeks ($900)
1 month ($1600)
3 months ($5000)

Jigga WHAT? Get the fuck out. Ouch. I dig her, but there are quite a few constipated funny moms out there in blogoville.

True Life Crime Stories

Dear Sadist,

If asshole is the new black, you are the most fastionable motherfucker in town. You are one sick, seedy bastard. And the sadest part is that you take great glee in that. You don't know what a loser you truly are.

Too bad anyone is too scared to say that shit to your face. Because they know you'd do something sadistic to them.

Insincerely,
debu_thinksyourpathetic

One of Those Footnotey Kind of Days

ok. I have on lots of makeup today. Because I have my hair up. And I think that's a generic thing that most women do - hair up, plaster the face on.

And I was going to take a picture of that. But every picture I have taken is beyond horrible. I'm looking very old today. And slighty wrinkly. Maybe even a bit shiny, tired, and yet dull. I have covered the entire spectrum of a Clinique ad.

I've decided that like Y at Joy Unexpected, I'm going to start spending money on the good stuff. Good hair products. And stop washing my face with whatever bullshit finds I buy on sale at Ross. Yeah, it might have been spensive once upon a time, but I start to wonder if the clearance rack is the way to go. Old facial products surely have expiration dates as well.

I've always had pretty amazing skin. I'm a sunscreen kind of girl. And I wear it year round because it's sunshiney bright year round.

Here. I'll post it. Don't suffer too much. You be the judge.

Age gracefully? Ha!

I may be getting old, but it just means I'm getting wiser.

It's October

Where are the jack-o-lanterns?

Why here. Here is one right now...

Katie - Say it Ain't So

Katie Homes is pregnant.

She better start taking her vitamins right now. God forbid she get post partum. It's a high risk with her. Being shot up with insane Tom's crazy jizz and all.

Schnay

Yesterday I called in fat.

ok. Not really, but I could have.

I think it's the meatloaf I made. Nothing like a little lean ground beef and oatmeal to make you feel dense.

Today, here is my ode to Treebeards veggie red beans and rice.

beans, rice and the cheese
stir me up and eat me now
it's not sex. it's lunch

Doncha just hate when you get on cool with a dude, he says he wants to see you, then he falls off the face of the earth?

I wonder if he's dead. You know. The Shaman dude. He was ready-set-go last time I saw him, then we all evacuated for Rita. Although he was having to evacuate a mom who just had back surgery.

But still. No returned phone calls.

I hope it's just him freaking out on me and not because he or his mom is dead.

Because that would be sad. And suck. If it's not a crisis, well then, he's a dick. Word.

And in regards to men. Lemme just say, when it rains, it fucking pours. And right now, it's pouring some beautiful men. I need a poncho.

Ew. Just Ew.

Zoe's lost two teeth. She lost the shark tooth and then the one next to it. Currently she has a top front tooth that is sticking straight out. Like at a right angle to the rest of her teeth.

I bet if I yanked really hard it would come out. But in the meantime, she looks like she's from Kentucky and married her cousin.

And if that's not enough to make you queasy, I have some debu_advice. Never eat fruit and read at the same time. I think my mouth fermented. I'm off in search of gum. I doubt there is enough gum in the world to evicerate that taste.

Why I Still Have Friends

A true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though they knows you’re slightly cracked.

Ok. I'm a bit more than "slightly" cracked, but still.

Boobs. Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

I am not as skilled as the lovely blog ladies I know so I can't post this correctly on the sidebar of me blog, but please, if you get a chance, check out the link at Boobiethon and fork over some cashatoma.

There be some sexy tatas over yonder.

ok. um.

He called.

He got a job offer here. After he finishes his residency. In 2007.

He wants to take it.

He wants to see me. Soon. I might be taking a trip to Delaware some weekend.

And because I have now written about it, none of this will happen. Because that's how my life works.

oh. and P.S. My neighbor B Girl told a story of a psychic her mom saw. This woman is always on the money about things. Said she knew Rita wouldn't hit, but that there is a hurricane slated to "devastate" Houston on October 13th. So if I eat my words and actually do leave, don't rub it in. I'm a chickenshit that way. Maybe Zoe and I will fly the coop and fly to Delaware.

And I'm bummed that my sitter was busy because I wanted to meet that kickass chick Natalie from I Have Questions and see Ms. Pants again. Badass chicks rawk!