debutaunt.com

Three Things

First, the fever *prays* has been gone since 9am. If I can keep it up for 24 hours with no fever I can go home. YAYAYAYAY!

Second, happy 22nd birthday to my lovely L(space)D. You are fantastic. Hope this year is a great one for you. I'm glad you are back online, babes.

A birthday haiku, to the Queen of the haikus.

Happy Birthday, yo
Hope your birthday is big fun
You deserve it, girl

Third, my Bambookie, Laura, needs to resend me a link to her blog because JIGGAWHAT? You are pregnant? I hate losing my favorites. If you comment here, either post your blog or email me a link as all my uber favorites aren't on this computer. Oh and hooray for you! Sorry you have so much morning sickness, honey, but I'm excited that I'm going to be a cyber aunt!

Oh. And I've finally calmed down. I love my day nurse.

no

Soup for you!!

I think that dude is related to my night nurse.

Senor Crankypants

This is me.
This is me posting.
This is me posting on sleeping pills.
and some Darvon for good measure.
I feel like a junkie.

Plug your ears, cos I'm grouchwriting right now.

I'm high and tired. And my blood sugar is low and I'm semi-freaking out because I feel like they forget about me all the time. I had to page my nurse twice. They gave me a "sliding scale" insulin shot because it was 181 - which isn't too bad (should be between 70 and 120). So now it's lower than 100 and it's only 11pm, and she's like, do you want some orange juice?

I don't know. I'm the PATIENT. This diabetes shouldn't be me controlling it and deciding what to do, but someone monitoring it for me while I'm sick. I'm tired of people asking ME what should be done!!!

NO, I DON'T WANT ALL THIS INSULIN ALL DAY LONG BECAUSE YOU BASICALLY ARE MAKING MY BLOOD SUGARS GO UP AND DOWN ALL DAY AND IT'S FREAKING ME OUT. I don't want to die in some diabetic coma because you let my sugars get too low and I am too high to wake up and eat. (nor do I really want to eat at 3am)

I feel defeated. I'm sick of this fever. I'm sick of sweating one minute and freezing the next. I'm not giving up, but I'm just tired of this and wish I could be in my own bed. I hate this shirt. This bed squeaks. It's not comfy. I have a crappy view. I can't get my starbucks.

I didn't bring my own pillows because I was really hoping I wouldn't get admitted. This room is small and I haven't left it all day. I'm tired of *just* falling asleep and then having yet another person walk in here. So then I put on some cheese tv and *just* fall asleep only to be woken up again.

I'm tired of the granny can. And people walking in on me while I'm using it even though I have the "privacy" light on. I'm tired of people walking in all day. Or just opening the door and then closing it.

I want a steak and some broccoli and a baked potato and a big hunky bread. I want some real food that fills you up.

I hate whining. I don't speak whinese. But I feel lonely and overwhelmed here all by myself.

I can't get better if I don't get any sleep. But that's the nature of a hospital, right? Well if I end up here for more and more days, I'm going to go postal on someone.

Bad enough the nurse came in and I'm all crying and she's like all pitying and rolling her eyes "take the sleeping pill, you'll feel better." I want to cry but can't because the inside of my nose is all bloody and jacked up.

I need a hug. I miss my mom and dad. I miss my family and friends. I miss Zoe to the point where I can't even look at her picture without crying.

I want to go for a walk and not be connected to an iv tower. I want to go outside. I want to go to a movie and sit in the dark with some greasy movie popcorn and some twizzlers and diet coke. I want to swing on a swingset with Zoe and jump off. I want to work out and feel semi-normal again.

I'm tired of people misprounouncing my name. Please. It's not a hard last name, but if you can't get it right, then please just call me deb.

I know I'll be better when I get some sleep, but right now, I'm running on fumes. Fumes and blood transfusions.

I had planned on taking Zoe to see the Nutcracker ballet this year. I know she'd love it. That was before. BEFORE before before (echos)

And the Lion King is coming to town. That is one of the few Broadway type shows that I'd pay to see. I'd love to take Zoe. But it's not until March and I have no idea what I will be doing by then. Who knows. I might be well, I might be sick.

I might be in jail for killing these people.

Ok. I know. I can do this, but gosh, let me sleep some so I can.

It's Baaaaaaaack

Yes, boys and girls, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's, it's...

THE GRANNY CAN

Yo Fever... Time to Move On

Ok, so my doctor said if I have the chills to come in to the MDA Emergency Room. And I did. So my bro drives me over. I get there, and they tell me I shouldn't have gone so long with that fever - not good for leukemia patients whose blood levels are low.

So. Here I am. Back in the hospital with day five of low-grade fever. I am now getting some major antibiotics, platelets, and will need more blood tranfusions because my numbers are like non-existant and have even dropped more. I got two blood tranfusions last night, and will get more today. But my numbers still dropped. Weird that I feel so well for as sick as I am.

I am going to make this short because they gave me some benadryl (to stave off any potential weird reactions to the blood) and I feel drunk.

Yay for modern medicine. I'm grateful to be alive today.

I can do this.

feber - number two

I've had a low grade fever since Friday. The other day I felt like I had the flu, but have no other symptoms.

Right now, I just don't feel like eating, but know I need too. I'm also craving a big ol' salad, but am not allowed to have fresh fruits and veggies (because of the bacteria risk).

I'm doing ok. I have a few doctor appointments tomorrow, so we shall see. Hopefully they won't have to admit me because I set aside stuff to pack just in case, but who knows how long I'd be in for.

Please pray to the fever gods to let me go. They don't need me. Fevers scare the crap out of me after that last time.

I am going to get over this. I know it. I'm just glad I don't feel too horrible.

Anyone know how to contact Uma Thurman. I want to write her about my chemo and how she inspires me. I like the roles she takes. I especially like the badass roles she takes.

Hope today is a good one for you all.

Your assignment (again) is to go eat a great salad for lunch or dinner. Either that or some strawberries or grapes or other fresh fruit (I can only eat things like bananas, oranges, or things with a "cover" on them). Enjoy some real dressing, not that yuck stuff, and use just enough to bring out your salad's great taste. One of my favorites is the Pappasitos Salad - with fajita meat and lots of great stuff in them. And then a creamy jalepeno or avacado ranch dressing. I also dig the salad at Cali Pizza kitchen - the BBQ chicken salad.

Mmmm.... yummy!

I can do this.

Fun

Had a great day with Zoe. Watched the Muppet Show Season One and that J. Garner movie (for the 812th time) 13 Going on 30.

Got handy with my cell phone cam.

Zoe with "no teeth"

Hook 'em Zoe

Zoe on the go-ey

Serious Zoe

An old picture of Bro #3 and Bro #1. Good times. Being around them just makes me laugh. See extended for why.

Sleepin

I spent most of yesterday sleeping. I think that's a chemo thing - like two days out, you want to hibernate. I felt groggy and just wanted to snooze.

I am going to go see Zoe today. We are going to watch the Muppet Show DVDs that Debbie got us. I can't wait.

My Bro #1 is now taking care of me for a few days. He's a good egg, but stays up really late and sleeps in. Which makes me glad they cancelled my 7:45 appointment this morning. Turns out my numbers are where they are supposed to be, so there was no reason to go two days in a row - thank goodness.

Now I'm watching Tracey Gold in a Lifetime Movie Network movie. She's pretending (based on mistaken identity) to be the wife of this family's dead son (can you say 'While You Were Sleeping?') Tracey looks like she's 40. Step away from the eating disorder because she looks so much older than she is.

I've got to get away from this television. It's making my IQ drop.

Today I want you to read a book or start a new book. I can't have people's IQs drop with mine.

I can do this.

It *is* a Good Thing

I wanted to be Martha Stewart the day I saw her cover a hot water bottle with a cashmere knitted cover. How cozy is that?

The Internets She never sleep.

And thank goodness for that. Because I went to be BEFORE 9am and here it is - 3am - and I'm awake. Skeery. But that's about how many hours of sleep I needed pre-this. Besides, I'm behind on my The Manolo reading as well as my many lovely blog friends.

Someone told me that if you are awake at 3am that you should pray for troubled souls. That it's the devil's hour and he tortures people at that time. I can't tell you how many blogs I have read or people I know that talk about being awake at 3am, but that's a lot of tortured souls. That damn devil is... well, the devil. He's a busy mofo.

I wonder if this came from the same school of thought as the scientologists. My friend Jewels sent me this info. Basically according to L Ron:

Hubbard: They would say that the cancer and its cure are just incidental to the main problem of one's "spiritual development." And according to Dianetics and Scientology, the explanation for cancer is basically that you have a sex problem?

Ok. I'm not even going to address that right now because I no longer even want to think about sex. I'll just be a mass of dividing cells for now. That part of my debu_life is on hold. (mainly because any dude that wants to have sex with a bald chick, probably ain't one I want to be near. Except maybe with a restraining order and/or a big cop with a gun.)

I got a comment from riverbend about an old entry. I think I was lamenting feeling guilty for thinking my life is so hard. And the funny thing is that I still feel that way. I feel guilty when I think "shit, I have cancer."

Because all it takes is a surf of the net or one visit to MD Anderson to realize, "hey, my life may suck *now,* but there are people out there who are perfectly healthy who are hurting ten times worse than me." And at MDA, there are some really sick people. People with some badass f*cking cancers and scars you can and cannot see. People who really are dying. Or have just given up on their fight and can't fight anymore.

And on the internet, sometimes you read things about people and it makes you grateful for the lot you got in life - even when that lot is cancer.

I feel broken, but not beaten. I know that the only way people can tell that I'm ill is by my bald head. But at MDA, it's nice because everyone is used to it, so they don't stare. Since I am a fierce warrior, I like to dress up to my appointments. When you are bald, and have to wear a mask and gloves, well, sometimes you look like a boy. I wore one of my favorite Loehman's shirts - it's really 'fancy,' and some great earrings Meerkat got for me. I also wore my sandals and my skinny jeans (which no mas es too skinny). I ditch the makeup, other than my Bonnie Bell Dr. Pepper lipgloss, because it's too much trouble. But I always wear perfume and look cute.

I had to push a wheelchair because I bring my meds and my Dracula Blood notebook and couldn't carry all that crap AND walk the 2,000 miles to the clinic. But when I had my name called to have my blood drawn, I walked as fiercely as possible. Bald head and all.

Then I got the lovely inter.the.cal (again, thank goodness it's not inter.fecal), chemo. That went ok, but next time I'm taking them up on their blanket offer. You have to lay flat for an hour after and it gets a wee bit chilly. It was painful, but my PA hooked me up with some "take the edge off" stuff. Yay for my pharmacist.

After all that was done, Dad and I went to dinner. Now coming from a big family, it's very rare that you just get a one on one dinner. Usually when we invade a place (and yes, the debu_clan invades with 23 total peeps strong when we are all together), there are sisters and nephews and all the gang.

But last night was just me and my sweet dad. I was craving some food. Like real food. So we went to this really nice steak house (Pappas for those in Htown). The prices were steep, the waiters *um* HOT - yeah HOT, and the food was amazing. It was a really nice time.

And I walked my fierce bald self through that restaurant like I owned it. Ok. So it was like way early, and there weren't that many people there, but I was working it.

We talked to the waiter a bit and he mentioned that they had another waiter who just finished chemo. It made me sad because I could tell it affected the entire staff.

I have noticed that people are so nice to me, but part of that is the universal sadness. The sadness of cancer and how many people it involves. Pretty much every single person I know knows of someone who has/had cancer.

That cancer. It just gets you. And it doesn't discriminate. Which is why I feel grateful for the lot I got. I'm blessed with my family and friends. I have a sweet daughter who is funny, adorable, and bright as the stars. While some days I'm like, "Is this really happening to me?" Other days I think, "yes, it is. And while you have cancer, you still are a pretty damn fortunate person."

I was blessed before, and feel even more so now.

So, since today is Thanksgiving, it's audience participation time. I want you all to leave me a comment and tell me what things you feel blessed for. Even if it's just one thing.

Because just when you think your lot is overwhelming and you start feeling sorry for yourself (or piling shit on your head as my mom would say), you take a look at the next guy. And trust me. It really will make you Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving. I love you my internets!

I can do this. And then I'm going to eat some turkey and pie.

My Turkey Day List:

I'm thankful for:

Being alive. Thankya kindly, God. You rawk. I think that's why I don't want to sleep. I just want to be awake as much as I can. Maybe that's why Martha Stewart only sleeps like four hours a night. She knows she's got good things to get to.

My Zoe and her smile, now missing two top front teeth, and her laugh and talking to her on the phone and her jokes and knowing she is safe and loved. I am thankful to be able to see her today and to squish that child. She's my heart. I'm lucky to have my family to take care of her. So that she knows she is loved too.

My family. A rare and wonderous group. The kindest, funniest, and most caring people I know on this planet. I love seeing my mom and dad, and sitting at Sis #1's house. I have known I was loved from the day I was born, and that feeling has never waivered. I know it now more than ever. This also includes my "in laws." Sis #1's in-laws who have so kindly let me stay at their house. Now I know why my brotherfromanothermother is such a great guy - he has such great folks.

My friends. They truly are the best. Even those who have wandered here that I have never met. You all have made me feel supported and loved during this trying time. I hope I never have to repay the 'cancer' favor, but whatever lot you are going through in life, I will try to be as good of friend to you as you have to me. Especially my Trifecta of Awesome - the trio getting me through this with a smile on my face. A huge Muchos gracias go to Ms. Pants who initially set this site up for moi.

My debu_team at MD Anderson. The technology, the pharmacists, my great doctors, the progress, the research, the knowledge - even my chemo, Uma, who is going to help me kick this. A girl could get overwhelmed if she didn't trust in that.

My computer. I feel connected.

My Dracula Blood. I hate you like the bitch you are, but I have a feeling you have changed my life in ways that I don't know yet. I'll be watching you.

The little things that make me feel normal: perfume, yogurt, my blog, coffee in the morning, reading my friend's blogs, email, forums, my favorite jeans, and my button up shirts that are so not a hospital gown. And my earrings. They remind me that one day I will again be just regular me and won't have cancer.

Thank you for another day.

An Angel

A total Angel from Wisconsin named Debbie sent me the coolest present. I got a bunch of stuff from Amazon from my wishlizzle including Kill Bill 1 (woo!), The Muppet Show Collection, and a bunch of books on kids/cancer/answering questions for me to look through.

I was totally floored, but then again, the kindness of strangers lately has amazed me. There is so much good in the world. I know it doesn't always seem like it, but there is.

Today I have some more chemo and some doctor's appointments. So your assignment is to go in search of some good. Find something or help someone or just look at some kids and see how sweet they are. Watch the news and look for a story about someone doing something good. You'd be surprised what you might find when you actually start looking.

Peace today. Peace and Peanut butter to you all.

I am doing this.

I got up at the crack of crack and the old school version of The Odd Couple is on tv. I forgot how great this movie is. Felix and Oscar. Classic.

Enjoy today. I am.

Just How Many...

court tv shows *are* there?

I slept the sleep of the dead last night. Well as dead as someone who has been woken up 4+ times a night for four nights in a row. Which was pretty dang solid.

But I'm having chemo hands. I think it has damaged my fingernails as it feels like I've had all ten fingers slammed in a door or something. Makes for interesting typing.

I caught up on my dvd watching, although they sent the discs out of order, so I'm kind of confused on Season Six of Sex and the City.

Mom and Dad are coming to see me now. Mom is going to drive my SUV over here so that she can use it while she stays here for a few days. I get some more inter.the.cal chemo tomorrow. I hope that it goes ok and that I don't have any weird side effects for Thanksgiving.

I am excited about seeing my family. I'm going to have to go into the back bedroom of Sis #1s casa, but I should be able to see people if I wear a mask.

All Zoe says she wants is to sit in my lap. I could think of nothing nicer at this point. I hope that she doesn't do her "hi.mom.bye.mom.gotta.play.mom" thing and actually lets me hold her for a long while. I miss her today.

Today has been a nice day. Unpacking my hospital stuff and I'm in my room here (family friend's casa again) with the door open to the porch. It's a gorgeous day. I wish I could go for a walk, but I'm too pooped today.

I also got a really nice shower in. The amazing thing is that today I have been all alone (the owner of the house has been downstairs). I actually stood in front of a mirror, no clothes on, and took a good look. No nurses around or my sister or anyone. Just me and my new body.

While not yet gaunt, far from it, I'm thinner and paler. I have bruises all over me from different tests, from falling when I fainted the first time, and from well, I don't know. Leukemia bruises.

I looked at my bald head. I looked at my hairless armpits (a total bonus - no mas shaving for a while), and I looked at my face. Thinner. Yet somehow stronger and more determined. I think it's the haircut. It totally feels very GI Jane. Fierce. Warrior.

I feel strong today, but find myself running out of breath. This will pass.

I miss my friends today.

But your debu_assignment is to enjoy some privacy. If you have kids, put them to bed tonight and take a really nice shower. Look at yourself and your strength. Enjoy the quiet. Enjoy your time. I sure did.

I can do this.

And OMG Mandy Moore is fixin to have sex in this movie. I cannot say it enough. If the chemo doesn't get me, the daytime tv will. Thank God for music.

Home

Well it's not exactly home, but they make me feel so welcome that I might as well be at home.

Sis #1 came and snatched me up, and when I got home we ate some soup. Soup is just good food. I think that will be my post-chemo food of choice.

Then I passed the heck out. And all was well.

I am doing this.

hungry

I am probably the only chemo patient who has an appetite, is hungry and isn't able to eat because of my blood sugar levels. Pleh.

Damn. I'm just hungry.

You Are In My Heart

Yesterday was a very hard day. I didn't have any visitors as most of my friends are either sick or busy (although my friend A came by around 8pm and cheered me up immensely. He even was going to go check my mail and bring me my last two Sex & the City DVDs - the finale - woo!).

But the majority of the day was sad. I was missing Zoe fiercely. I was missing being outside. I was missing things like grocery shopping, driving my car, good music, eating and being active when I wanted. It was a lonely day. My forums were slow. I was caught up on my blog reading/commenting. My eyes were sore so I couldn't read or watch much tv (no good channels here anyway - no E! or Comedy Central - two channels a cancer patient should be watching). And I was feeling a bit groggy from the benadryl they gave me pre-blood transfusion.

When A came over, Sis #2 called. She had me on speaker phone with all the kiddos. Two five year olds and a one plus year old. They were singing me songs.

And then I heard Zoester. A song she made up. I couldn't quite make out the words, but I did hear "mommy is in my heart." It made my eyes well up as I've always told her not to be sad when we are apart because I "grew her in my belly," so she's a part of me. That mommy is in her heart and she is in mine. It made me feel good that she remembered that, and actually that she was bright enough to make up a song about it, but also made me sad because I'm missing her so much.

She made me sing her the Zoe song, and it was so hard to do without my voice cracking. I love that child so much. I miss her sweet face. I miss the smell of her and her laugh. But mostly I miss her hugs. You don't get many of those around here.

I miss that child, but I know this won't be forever. I know it.

Today y'all's mission is to enjoy wearing something that is comfy or beautiful. A soft scarf. Some warm mittens. A downy coat. Or some beautiful jewelry. Next time I will pack more long sleeve shirts as I have now worn this pink hoodie for two days. It's not as uncomfortable to not shower like last time as a) I don't sweat at all and b) I don't have hair to get greasy c) I don't get out much. I wash my face and brush my teeth often, so that makes me feel sparkly and shiny. I also wear perfume and use the moisturizer I use on Zoe.

The smell of her makes me happy.

I can do this.

[rant]I am doing well. My chemo is doing well, and prayers granted, I should get out tomorrow. But my blood sugars are jacked up, and I'm thinking of bringing in a different endocrinologist. I know that the steroids they give you are necessary, but they make me super hungry and make my blood sugars go crazy. Then some genius decided to give me insulin like all freaking day AND that I should get some of it at 9am and 9pm.

So instead of taking my insulin 30 minutes prior to eating, I now get them hours after eating. So like last night, an hour after eating, my blood sugar was like 352 (should be between 70 and 120). I don't know. I'm no endocrinologist. But I've never had this poor of control of my blood sugars before and it's very irritating. Is it me, or is this not basic body chemistry?[/rant]

It's a Monkey Kind of Day

Well me and Methotrexie did a good job. You are supposed to drink a ton of water, then they test your blood to see if you've "flushed" it out of your system. I got it right on the first shot. But of course, I'm sure you didn't expect any less.

So they were able to move on to the next drug, Cytarabine. Tara for short. Same side effects as the Trexie, but it also can cause fevers (SH*T!) and can cause these weird eye issues. So they just gave me some steroid eye drops. Now they are buggin.

I feel pretty good. I was able to haul ass down to Starbucks this morning and get me a venti iced nonfat latte. Now that's devotion to my caffeine habit.

I am starting to really miss Zoe. Sis #2 said she's got some funky cough, so I can't even see her anytime soon, but I notice I miss her more at night. Because when we were home, that was the time we spent most together.

The routine:
Picked her up at 6:15, dinner, some tv

Bathtime for Z, shower for me

Lotion for both of us (hey, moisturizer is definitely your friend - never to early to start)

Booktime - we had started reading this princess book. Each night a different story and Zoe was starting to point out the words she knew. I also would have her sound out words like swimming or monkey. Every night she was learning more and more, and I miss being able to see her do that.

Then we'd snooze it. I have a feeling that I was starting to get sick around the same time I was starting to go to bed right after Zoe. She'd go down at like 8 - 8:30 and I'd be out by 9:00 pm. I used to be a night owl. 11pm or midnight. But it's been a long while since those days.

I miss smooshing her. And kissing her cheeks. I've only been able to see her twice in a month. And each time we both had masks and gloves. It's starting to become unbearable.

*sigh*

But it is what it is, and I'm hoping that when all of this is over that I will have my energy back and we can do some fun stuff like we used to.

Say some prayers for my Zoe. I know she is doing well, but I also know she misses me something fierce. If it's anything as close to what I miss her, it must be hu-mangous as she would say.

I can do this. Say it with me. I *can* do this. I will do this. I am doing this.

Today I want you all to go enjoy the outdoors. Rainy, snowy, whatever. I waited all summer for the heat to be-gone, and now that it's my kind of cold, I'm totally stuck inside. So go enjoy this Saturday for me.

Yep. I can do this.

My Girl Methotrexate

"Methotrexate is a Dracula Blood-fighting (chmotherapy) drug that interferes with the growth of cells. It is usually given intravenously (into a vein), but it can also be given into a muscle, under the skin, orally (by mouth), or intrathecally (into a fluid-filled space next to the spinal cord). It is used to treat many different types of cancers."

Ok. Sounds intimidating. But let's check back to the jiggawhat intra. the. cally.

This is my third time to do intrathecal chemo. But gosh, could they make it sound any more intimidating?

"Today you get a lumbar puncture, and will have the mexotrexate given inter.the.cally (into your motherf*cking spine)." Ok, so the guy didn't say motherfu*cking spine, but I think I would have liked it better if he did.

And lemme just first say ouch. ouch. ouch. I got some numbing stuff and something to take the edge off, but there's nothing like having a 4 inch needle fixin' to go PUNCTURE your spine, remove some goo, and then get replaced with some radioactive liquid. Makes for a hot ass pain. Then you get to lay flat for an hour. A wee bit high and sore.

Inter.the.cally. Glad it's not intra-fecally though, yaknowwhati'msayin?

Is thecally Latin for your most precious spine? Cos, dang, of all the things that scare me, Lumbar puncture is a bit intimidating. It's also called a spinal tap but has nothing to do with going to 11 except maybe the vision of that HUGE ass needle - like the king of all needles. Spinal tap sounds less scary than Interthecally or Lumbar/Spinal PUNCTURE.

Methotrexate. Sounds like a ghetto girl name. "That girl aight. Methotrex, she got a good head on her shoulders even though her momma, she on *whispers* the crack."

Methotrexate. Just another trex in the line of cristines, rheumatrex, whatever. Why can't they nickname them or something. This one is yellow. Today you are getting bananas and tomorrow you get skittles. If you're good, you will get some egg custard.

I like to pretend that the clear ones all go down and mix like a martini into my lovely brooch/pteryldactyl that is my central line catheter. This thing sewn into me that goes in a huge vein near my jugular or heart; I'm not sure.

See how pretty it is. it matches my earrings and goes so well with this peasant blouse.

{aside} My skinny jeans are big. If I have to go through this shit, I'm going to be one bitch that loses weight - 22 lbs to date. I hate lounging in pjs so I'm glad I brought my jeans, but guess I didn't figure I'd need a belt so bad. Oh well, now I have some low ride jeans to go with my IV tower. So sesssssy.{aside over}

The side effects sheet for Mexotrexate are three pages long. The start off innocently enough: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, mouth sores, skin rash, sensitivity to light (damn, no tanning beds either - gotta look tan when your barfing your guts out).

Then it starts getting a bit huffy: low white blood count (uh, duh, the point), usually develops 7 to 10 days after, chance of getting infections increases avoid contact with people who have colds, flu, shingles, chicken pox, or any type of infection. Great. Avoid the City of Houston.

Low red blood cells: you may tire easily or become short of breath. No sh*t Sherlock. A flight of stairs winds me, but I did a lung capacity test and the dude said I'm an amazon. But then again he said I'm 5'8 3/4ths. Um. I'm 5'10. Whatever. Shorty. Test = Amazon; Stairs = wimpy

Low platelet counts: Bruise, bleed, no shaving with anything but an electric razor and avoid cutting stuff. Glad I'm not a chef, I'd go bananas.

Decreased kidney function: Oh. Thought we'd slip that one in along with his cousin Decreased liver function. No big deal on those. Right? Right?

Scarring of the lung tissue: *gulp*

Hair loss or thinning: too late

Neurological effects: call your doc if ou have confusion, dowsiness, clumsiness, difficulty walking, blurred vision, slurred speech, difficulty speaking, difficulty swallowing, numbness, or seizures. What? That's a typical debutaunt_day.

They save the intra.the.cally ones for last as they are the best:

For patients who will receive methotrexate intrathecally (which I just did on top of going on 14 hours of intravenously - 8 more to go)

Inflammation of brain tissue. Common symptoms: headache, nausea, vomiting and fever. NOOOOooooooOOOOOO. No more fevers. I can't take those. They wipe me out *sob* damnit... ok.. sniffle. i can do this.

Neck or back stiffness and pain, which may develop into sever drowsiness, seizures, numbness, inability to move, or coma. Tell your doc immediately about any of these symptoms. How. After you slip into your coma and aren't able to hit the nurse call button.

Ah. Harmless chemo cocktail. Not quite the cosmo on Sex and the City, but it sure beats death. And if it helps me kick some cancer ass, I'm all gung ho on this shit.

8 bags of cocktail. And the anti-nausea stuff is soomybestfriend. I even ate a reuben at lunch.

I can do this! Exclamation point!

6am

So. If someone would like to help me out financially, I created a few items on cafepress.com. I'll make $5 a piece profit on each item. Which is cool. They aren't fancy, but who knows if I can sell any. I did put a coffee mug that will make me a $20.00 profit for the big spenders. Let me know if there is anything else you'd like me to make and I'd be happy to do it. They have all kinds of things.

Here is the link to the stuff and where you can order.

It's a picture of my kiddo, on thanksgiving day, with her finger. Stuck. Up. Her. Nose. She looked so cute that day, little velveteen dress, hair in piggy tails. Then she got this shot taken.

You can't resist. Must buy t-shirt.

hee. Ok, so I can't resist. But I did.

gotta love the pick.

Thanks. I'm debutaunt and I approved of this message.

4am

Some leukemia haikus, to pass the time

It's 4am here
Don't you weigh yourself now too?
I didn't think so

Waiting for blood draws
5 is the bewitching hour
Needle sticks galore

Started second round
This chemo drug is yellow
I'm going to kick ass

How can I get well
When you wake me up too much
I just need some sleep

Sleep makes me so well
Doesn't take a brain surgeon
To figure this out

I had this put on a cheapie yellow shirt on cafepress.com. Let me know if anyone else wants one and I can send you a link to buy it. It's not a debu_fundraiser item, but for peeps who are in the midst of kicking cancer's ass. Call it a debu_kickassgift if you will.

Ok. Am I going to hell because I find this wicked funny?

Let's Not Forget

One of my fav's to read is Mrs. Kennedy on over at Fussy.

In that post, she reminds us not to forget those people who may still not yet be back on their feet after the hurricane.

So in that spirit, lets not forget about my efforts to clothe the behinds of Katrina (Rita too).

Right before I was diagnosed, I delivered a buttload, literally, of underwear to the Northwest Assistance Ministries. They were so grateful, but I would love to (when I'm in remission) be able to hand deliver a bunch more. They told me they fill a dumpster a day with the crap no one wants. That's just outright wrong.

These people still have nothing, and the last thing I think they'd want to spend any of their money on is underwear. So let's not stop them from coming in.

*besos*
~debster

www.operationpantydrop.com

This chemo won't stop me from coverin some ass.

MD Anderson

Countdown to chemo - 3 hours.

I'm steady on course.

MDA is the best hospital of all time. Besides the gorgeous rooms, the "room service" delivered by peeps in tuxedos, the badass docs, the amazing technology and vast knowledge, and the wonderful uber sweet nurses, they have...

The good toilet paper.

Makes me want to cry.

Adios...For Now

I'm off to the hospital for the next four of five days. I hope to get my dialup on.

I'd say, "wish me luck." But I won't need luck with my cancer ass kicking abilities.

Besos & Cheers,
Debster

Don't feel sorry for moi - I'm going to kick this cancer's ass

Some of Deb's friends are holding an unofficial blood drive at MDA's blood bank on Friday after Turkey day. If anyone else wants to go, feel free to get in contact with me or just call and make an appointment if you wish to donate platelets otherwise you can just show up to donate whole blood.

d1forlove@aol.com

Um. Do I have the most awesome friends, or WHAT??? I swear I love them like I love my family. I have the Trifecta of Awesome of friends. I feel so lucky to have their love and support. I really do. You all should go to this based on D1 herself.

We call the woman the Queen of Everything because she does everything well. She's a kickass mom, she is a great friend, she's cute, funny, smart, and knows like everything about camping. She can bait a hook and cook you a gourmet meal - all while still in the woods. She's amazing and cool as hell. Go just so you can party with the woman after giving blood. Because I bet she will get her rita on after giving platelets. Hell, she probably will save the rainforest after with one swoop.

Scenario:

You eat way the f*ck too much at Thanksgiving. You are literally stuffed. How can you go about losing some of that feeling of fullness? Why... by donating blood, silly.

You are a cute single person. You want to find the love of your life. Why... donate some blood with some other cute single people and find your mate for life. Hey! It could happen! My Brother #1 met his wife at one of my birthday parties. You never know, you could meet yours while donating blood.

heh

You never know what could happen and what could change your life in once instance. I went in to an emergency room about a month ago with a bad headache and tingly fingers. I came out with leukemia. Saved my life though, and changed it forever.

I do have to say that I'm getting tired of the "I'm sorry" thing when people find out I have leukemia.

I always reply, "I'm not sorry because I'm going to kick this cancer's ass."

Besides....

Hey, at least I'm not dead. I could have been flattened like gum by getting hit by a bus. I could be dead right now, and Zoe left and orphan. At least this way I see the bus coming, and mothers, I'm a'dodgin' that damn bus.

I also am not sorry because I *am* going to kick this cancer's ass. Kick the snot right out of it. My friends that know me from a local forum know that cancer picked the wrong person. I'm the female Lance Armstrong of cancer. I'm going to kick it's ass then get on a damn bike.

The difference between me and Lance is that from the very first, "you have leukemia," I just wasn't even afraid. Hell, when they repeated it, I barely shed a tear.

It's crazy to me, and I'm not sure if any of you would ever understand, but from diagnosis-moment one, I felt loved and supported. Even when the bumf*ck Egypt hospital diagnosed me in a room with a bunch of strangers on the other side of the curtain, I have not felt alone.

My first instinct: (my ACTS church retreat sisters would be proud) That God wouldn't have done this if He knew I couldn't deal. I gave it right up to Him at that moment. I was like, "Dude. You have some broad shoulders. Imma just let you handle this one." Besides, I am a single, working mom. We just deal with sh*t and don't think twice about it. You can't want your mommy, because you *are* the mommy. You handle. It's what you do.

My second instinct: My family, my friends and my church peeps will help me with this. I use numbers when describing my siblings because I have six of them. Yep. Six. We be some populatin' Catholics, and I love every minute of being one of seven kids. My siblings are awesome. They, well they just kick ass. As do my friends (see above impromptu blood drive)

My siblings immediately went in to Deb's Gonna Kick Some Ass mode. Sis #1 jumped in and was like.... don't worry about a damn thing other than getting well. We will handle legal/medical/job-related/financial stuff. She's the retired lawyer/stay home mom. And she and her husband (who is like my brother from another mother) came to visit me and when they said that, well, I believed them. And they have been true to their word. They are the ones whose kiddos I used to babysit - the under five crowd - nearly every week.

Missing Zoe like mad, but I also mis Sis #1s kiddos like my own. They look more like me than Zoe, and I love their spirit. They are just the most interesting and cute kids of all time.

Sis #1 and her husband are my goal and reminder of Live Your Priorities. Everyone says don't work too much, enjoy life, life each day fully, laugh long, and all those other Chicken Soup sentiments. Well they do. They are married and genuinely like each other. They go on dates, yet spend time apart and with their kids. BIL #1 works hard, but he also does cool stuff for himself - golf, fishin with his buddies. And Sis #1, no matter what, makes sure she takes time for herself as well. She's my fitness idol and doesn't look at all like a mom of two. She's got these cool forum friends from when she was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire (she won 64k then), and she is a sports freak - aka a three year finalist in the Ultimate Texan's Fan contest (she was ROBBED!) Sis #1 is like the personification of cool. You'd want to hate her (she's a hottie as are all my sisters), but you can't because she's such a genuinely great person.

Sis #2. She just jumped in and was all mom. I knew that if Zoe belonged anywhere other than casa_debu, it was Sis #2's house. Chaotic at times, but so full of love they are bursting at the seams with it. She and Bro in Law #2 have three kiddos already, but didn't hesitate for a second to take the Zoester. (BTW, if I'm ever way too sick to update, I'm letting Sis #2 guestpost for me. She and Sis #1 are great writers, but Sis #2 always makes me *snort* when I laugh)

I love how Sis #2 moms. She's got such great style as a mom. And she and I share the philosophy of picking your battles. Some things are important = brushing your teeth; some things - well, so not = playing in the sand even though it's gross and hard to get off. Hey. It's about the fun and the kids, not the mess it makes. Sis #2 is totally loving and all the kids love going to Aunt Sis #2's house. You walk in and feel so welcome and love and fun permeate the place. Sis #2's husband is a cool dude too. He owns his own business and is a financial whiz. He loves his kids (they are totally mini-me's of him), and my daughter adores him.

When she first got to their house, BIL #2 told her that now that mom was sick, their house *was* her house. From the floor to the roof. And that if she ever wanted to talk or needed anything, Zoe was welcome to ask them. He told her, "sorry the house is so cramped and small." (four kids, three bedrooms) But to Zoe, their house means fun and is *HUGE.* (we lived in a one bedroom one bath apartment) Now she's got a pool, a jungle gym, a big backyard, three siblings, and a bunch of room to run around. THAT's huge. Especially when you factor in the love. As Zoe would say, "It's Hu-mang-ous."

Brothers #1 and #3 I always tend to group them together. #1 and his wife live in Corpus. His wife was my best friend when they met at my 25th birthday party (20-something?) They were a pair ever since. Sis in Law #1 is so sweet. She personifies the word sweet. She is smart and funny and always has something interesting to talk about. We weren't best friends for nothing, but I wish they lived closer. She's a doll.

Bro #3 is the comedian. He lives in San Antonio with my folks, and the dude never fails to make me laugh. He is great with kids, especially Zoe, and always is on the go. Between #1 and #3, they have me in stitches. But they are also just plain good peeps. Lovely good guys who know what is important in life. Both have offered to take some time off and come up to help me mend. I mean what dudes do that?

I can't do my own cooking or laundry because my hemo-somthingorother is low and it makes me a wee bit dizzy to stand or walk for too long. I think it has something to do with the cells that take blood to your lungs and other major organs. Anyway, I can't drive or do much of anything else, so the dudes have stepped up. That's what I'm sayin, what dudes do that?? My dudes.

Bro #2 is the most awesome guy of all time. When it came around that I was 100% going to need a stem cell transplant (yeah, that part kind of scares me actually), Bro #2 was like... "I want it to be me. I want to be the match." Bro #2 and Sis in Law #2 are Zoe's Godparents. And they are totally the Godparents of Kickassness. When we fled Houston for Rita, they let us crash at their casa. We had such a great time, and they made us feel so welcome. Heck, when I needed to get some zzz's after driving for 11 hours all night long, Bro #2 played card games with Zoe for like three hours. What dude plays cards with a five year old girl for three hours? Bro #2, of course. I think he's a member of the good guy's club or something. I just adore the dude.

And his wife. I hate her. The woman is fantastic looking and NEVER, and I mean NEVER takes a bad picture. She's gorgeous. And like the Hispanic version of Martha Stewart. She does nothing bad. Ok, so I obviously don't hate her, but she is just the most amazing chica. Smart, pretty, funny, great job, caring, and a contageous smile. She has awesome shoes too. The kind of girl you want to hate, but can't. And I was so glad when Bro #2 told me he was going to propose to her. Because if you can hang with my crew of nine, you are a stud in my book. I love SIL #2.

And then there is "the baby." I know she hates that, but when you are number seven of seven, well at one point, I do remember her as "my" baby. I changed her diapers (along with most of the rest of them) as I could change a peepee diaper at age six.

Sis #3 has been my perspective. She reminds me why I shouldn't sweat the small stuff. She has washed my underwear, people. She has been my chauffer, my cook, my housekeeper, and my love for the last two weeks - all while still being sweet as pie. When I was all sad about losing my hair, she kept my perspective and was like... hey... at least you aren't a dude whose hair *can't* grow back, as we both know at least 5 of the coolest bald dudes who have lost their hair early.

Sis #3 has driven me to appointments and then played the waiting game. Any leukemia patient knows what I'm talking about. You have a dr. appointment at 10:20. That means you *might* get in by 12:20. My 2:30 appointment yesterday started at 4:45pm.

[aside] that's the suck thing about leukemia. they have to base your treatment on your numbers, your labs. So in between the chemo, you have labs and dr. appointments like 3-4 times a week. Bleh. At at time when you have completely lost your independence.

Sis #3 has been the one that pushes my butt around the hospital. She works at a BMW dealer so she and I pretend my wheelchair is the BMWs of wheelchairs. She makes me laugh, runs to get me stuff, and waits with me. She totally calms me down for some reason, her just being there.

She's seen me down and made sure I didn't stay there for long. She's been amazing, and I'm going to miss her like crazy when she heads back to Austin today. Plus she has a cool boyfirend. Who is a good guy. I like it when a young chick picks a good guy. Because at that age it seems to not happen all that often.

So you see why I don't waver in my ability to say, "I'm going to kick this cancer's ass." It's not Bush-istic Bring It Bravado. It's just fact.

I have a child who needs me, and I'm a kid in this fantastic family.

I have been blessed at birth. I'm lucky like that.

I can do this.

I can do this because of them.

Blood Part 2

If you are out of state and wish to donate in my name....

You will need to know my full name (which I don't post here, but you can email me - at debsterc(at)earthlink.net - replace the at with @, and that the donor hospital is MD Anderson Houston, and my patient ID. I'd be so grateful and honored if you donate that.

Here is what Sis #1 posted. Another number that can be called if you want to do a blood drive in Houston and need a mobile unit - 713.792.7777.

About out of state donations. I was told by the good folks at MD Anderson that some blood banks and hospitals out of state have a reciprocal relationship with MD Anderson. So if you say you are donating for a particular person there, they will still give her credit, even if she doesn't get that particular blood.

For more information about this, contact someone at MD Anderson at (713) 792-7788 or maybe your local people will know if they have a reciprocal relationship. I have already had reports from out of town folks that their blood centers had reciprocal relationship with MD Anderson.

Here is more information about donating to a friend or family member at MD Anderson:

What is the Family and Friends Blood Program?

This new program helps us manage the specific blood component requirements of each patient, as well as the flexibility to maintain an adequate blood supply for all patients. Units of blood collected from people whose donation is triggered by concern for a specific patient are credited to that patient’s account as a replacement unit of blood. These units are processed and placed in the general inventory for routine use. Patients who avail themselves of this program will have priority access to blood or blood components for transfusion when the need arises.

What is a replacement donation? What is a blood transfusion credit?

Individuals may donate to replace blood that has been used by a patient. This is called a replacement donation, and the donor may ask that a monetary credit be issued to a specific patient’s account. This may be done at M. D. Anderson or any other blood banks that participate in the American Association of Blood Banks' National Blood Exchange.

For more overall information about MD Anderson's blood donation program or general information about giving blood or platelets, check out their website:

http://www.mdanderson.org/departments/bloodbank/

Cheers! I challenge first time blood donors. As soon as I get clearance, I'm going to become a regular donor.

Blood - to help defeat the Dracula Blood

I cried twice today. Once for a stupid reason, and I'm done with that. The second time was when my local dating site, where I met all my super bestest good friends (and dated a bit too for fun), sent out a mass email to all their users linking to a post I did about donating blood in my name.

Which, btw, you can do. If you tell then when you are donating that it's for me, I can get credits in the blood bank. I have had two blood transfusions and three platelet transfusions. So if you are going to donate blood, email me at the debster email on my site and I can get you the patient information.

MD Anderson always has shortages in blood, and there have been a few times where I had to wait for a transfusion until all the surgeries were done. Blood donation is critical to their Blood Bank.

Every time I receive blood, I totally cry. Especially the two times I received blood and not platelets. The blood was dark and thick and seeped into my chest cathater/IV slowly. And then I look up and realize that someone donated that to me. That someone took time out of their day to donate that to me. It humbles and amazes me.

Here is what they wrote:

(HC stands for Houston Connect - a great local dating site)

re: Help a fellow HC'er

The HC Team

I mean, how freaking cool is that????

So, if you want to donate blood in my name, shoot me an email and read the extended entry for more than you knew about donating blood and donating platelets. Be a first time donor. For the debster.

I'm going to sleep well tonight. This made my day.

Involve Your Family & Friends in Your Care
Have Them Donate for YOU!

Why should your family and friends become blood and platelet donors at M. D. Anderson?

• All blood components donated to us go directly to cancer patients in our hospital
• Cancer does not take a holiday, vacation or break
• The success of patients’ cancer therapies depend on a comprehensive transfusion schedule
• Our patients have long-term transfusion needs for multiple blood components
• M. D. Anderson patients require more than 100 platelet and 500 red blood cell transfusions a day
• Due to our transfusion volume, we experience constant blood component availability challenges
• Cancer does not care about age, race, ethnicity, gender, religion, wealth, social status or educational levels

How can your family and friends help?

• It only takes 30 minutes to donate whole blood and 2 hours for platelets
• Platelets can be donated every 48 hours
• Whole blood can be donated every 56 days
• There are two centers for donation
• Hospital Blood Donor Room, Floor 2 in front of Elevator A
• Blood Bank, 7007 Fannin, Ste. 140 (Fannin South Professional Building)
• Our Blood Bank can provide off-site collections of blood products in your community
• For more information or to set up a drive in your community, please contact 713.792.7777 and speak to a community representative.

BLOOD AND PLATELET DONATIONS

GENERAL DONOR REQUIREMENTS
No Aspirin* for 2 days prior to donation
At least 17 years old
In god health
Weigh a minimum of 110 lbs
Bring Picture ID and Social Security Number
List of all medications you are taking and the reasons why you take them
Eat within 4 hours before donating

TEMPORARILY NOT ELIGIBLE
48 Hours:
(*)Aspirin/Aspirin-containing products including Ibuprofen, Motrin, Advil, Nuprin and Aleve, and Herbal Products containing garlic, ginseng, ginko or ginger, including teas

72 Hours:Antibiotics

12 Months:
Significant cardiac problems, severe asthma, blood transfusion, tissue or organ grafts

Travel outside the U.S.:
Contact a Blood Bank Representative for information on specific country

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

Platelets
90 – 120 Minutes
May donate every 2 days
1 donor = 1 platelet Dose
1 component: Platelets
Red Blood Cells and Plasma returned to donor
No aspirin products

Whole Blood
20 – 25 minutes
May donate every 8 weeks
8 donors = 1 platelet dose
3 components: Red blood cells, platelets and plasma
Nothing returned to donor
Aspirin OK

The 88s

Ah. I was told wrong. In Kill Bill - It wasn't Uma and the 99s, but Uma and the Crazy 88's.

I guess maybe mine is appropriate because white blood cells are supposed to be less than 11,000, but when I started chemo, my white blood cells were at 171,000.

Mutant Crazy 88's. I'm still going to kick their asses.

Go figure.

Mom, You Look Weird

I got to see my Zoe yesterday.

It was a lovely day. Sis #3 and I got to hang out at my apartment. So nice to nap in my own bed.

I went to my gym (with latex gloves) rockin my cute black n white hat, and put my membership on indefinite hold. I so wanted to shout, "I will be back, motherf*ckers! Stronger, faster," like the Bionic Woman. I got a copy of my Body for Life challenge cards and realized that I have now officially lost 20 pounds. Ah, the diet nobody wants. Although I bet many women would shave their heads to lose 20 lbs.

Sis #3 hooked me up with a platelet-building burger, some tater salad, and the movie Team America (fuck yeah!) It was funny, but I had to nap, so I missed part of it. There's nothing like dozing in and out and hearing the word BALLS repeatedly.

I thought that it would be cool to have Zoe buy me a hat, but she was more interested in seeing me, which was sweet. She got to play with our neighbor kids. I was glad because she hasn't seen much of them lately.

I read a story to her (which is hard to do with a mask on - I thought I was going to pass out), then we watched That's So Raven.

She seemed a bit concerned at first about my hair until I reassured her that it will grow back. It may take a while (because it will fall out several times), but it will grow back - I explained just like when you cut your hair or trim your nails.

But she's still my lil'. She was showing Sis #3 her cartwheels, then they did yoga together. Except when Zoe does it; it's ZOga. She's so flexible.

On the way home we went to McD's for ice cream (um, damn that was good). The lady in the drive thru asked about the masks. Nothing to weird someone out like to say, "I have leukemia." But I don't mind peeps that ask, I just don't like the stares. You get so immune to it at MDA because there are so many people there that wear masks.

When people stare at me otherwise, I just want to say, "I am just protecting myself from you freaks who think it's ok to go around sick everywhere." I've always been a firm believer of not sharing germs. But now that so many of those germs can kill me.... I'm like ... *spray you down with purell, you snotty flembot.*

When we were in the drive thru Zoe casually talks about someone at school whose mom has leukemia and she's in the hospital to die.

Um... jiggazoewhat?

"Am I going to have to watch you die."

"Zoe even if mommy weren't sick, everyone dies. But mommy is taking all kinds of medicine, and goes to a big big hospital with good doctors, so this Dracula Blood won't make me die."

"But I don't want to watch you."

"You won't. I'm strong and will be just fine."

Ice cream saved the moment as she just moved on to something else.

One minute, McD's ice cream, the next minute I'm explaining death to my five year old.

Welcome to my world.

I can do this.

I want to have Zoe meet with the school counselor. But that's the chick that said, "I guess I'll have to respect your wishes" when she found out I didn't want the word cancer used around her.

Bitch.

Um, fu*ck yeah, you WILL respect my decision. I want the word leukemia or the infamous Dracula Blood used around Zoe, not cancer. Because of exactly things like.... oh, your mom has cancer; she's going to die.

But she was tired and extra clingy/huggy when we dropped her off at Sis #2s. I know my child. That's camping tired. It made me sad though. And the leukemia/death drive-thru convo felt just like that - a drive by.

Everyone is a bit under the weather, but as soon as they are feeling better, I really want Zoe to go to MDA with me to meet with this wonderful woman who run's the kid's program there. She was a single mom with a 4 year old when she got breast cancer. (Her son is 13 now - woo). She was telling me about her situation, and said that she involved him in so many things of her cancer, but wasn't all dramatic about it.

That's much more my style vs. "I guess I'll have to respect your decision."

But there's something brewing in Zoe's head. I just want to hug that child for hours. I think right now I'm the clingy one and I miss her so much.

This too shall pass.

For My Love - My Zoe

Tonight I got to talk to Zoe and see her on the webcam at Sis #2's house. She was so cute talking about her camping trip and showing me her newly gone tooth-space. She truly does look like a jackolantern now. Hey sis, send pics!

But she was sad and said she wanted to see me NOW!

So we talked about my Sis #3 getting her and bringing her to see me. She can come see me tomorrow, but only if a) if she's not sick b) if I'm not sick c) with masks and gloves on both of us - which she does not like.

So I thought I better tell her again how the Dracula Blood medicine has now made mommy's hair fall out. She said she was sad, and Sis #2 showed her pictures of my bald head. Of course the feather boa pictures are "weird," so I wanted to post a few of me that are more Zoe-mommy-like for her to see.

(she also just wanted to see pictures of the oranga-matanga that she gave me too)

So, for My Zoe -

Mommy pics:

MONKEY & MOMMY

And my "saving" angels - the things that make life worth living (Zoe, my glasses, my lipgloss, my nupogen shot - which builds cells, and my 2 angels - happiness and the healing angel) on my nightstand:

Mommy's fav's in the extended (not for Zoe)

It's a Rule

OMG. Ok. The Manolo wrote about me. He is so superfantastic it is unbelievable. If you don't read The Manolo, you are not a civilized human (it's about accessories, people!!) I actually had tears in my eyes when I realized the Shoe God actually talked about me.

Thanks to Sis #1 who is as big of a fan as I am of The Accessories and the Superfantastic Manolo.

So... welcome to debutaunt.com oh lovely and shoe adorable fans of The Wonderous Manolo.

I wore my sporty woven, black and white striped hat today, btw, and I rocked it. It looked great with my long dangly earrings and my bald mugpiece. It's my new fav and not too hot.

Most likely, I am going to be going into the hospital again next week. It will be for four days of Round Two of chemo. Me and Uma are going to do some major ass kicking again. I spent all weekend building up platelets (even though I don't know for sure, I feel I did - all kinds of kickass red meat/green veggie eating).

This time, I'm going to put up my sign on damn day one of my stay.

restless?

I don't know why I'm so restless. If it wasn't such a pain to shower with this stupid central line IV, I totally would be working out right now.

It makes me wonder how long I was sick. I mean, I was soooo tired ALL the time and now I feel like a million dollars.

It scares me and I hope that I don't feel bad again. I can't imagine feeling so tired like before.

It must be the steak? I bet I made 32948130498123 platelets with that red meat and broccoli.

Maybe I will be the female Lance Armstrong someday. I for sure will if I stay feeling this awesome.

A Need

Yes. That's me. In a green feather boa. Um. Yeah. A boa. I love it.

I woke up this morning and immediately had a need to accessorize. I just wish I could get out of the house a bit easier (sans mask) so I could rock out with my block out.

I dig the new do. It's kind of weird as you catch yourself in the mirror and go... woah. I'm bald.

So me and my homegirl (Meerkat in the background - heh), and Sis #3 went and hit up Loehmans. Was weird shopping, but I think everyone understands the need for good hat and good earrings. No matter what.

I did miss a milestone today - Zoe lost another tooth. But she left me a quick message. She's currently camping today with my sweeties D1 and Paige -- right on the lake. She's now a 3 time camper - she even picks up worms to fish and stuff.

I miss her so much. I think I have that thing that peeps get when they lose an appendage. I'm so used to Zoe sleeping on my arm every night for what??? three years now, that it's weird to go to sleep without her. I have a hard time sleeping without her. And when I see her picture, I get that pang of ... damn, I miss my baby. Just like when she went to dad's in NY this summer. No time to talk to mom on the phone - too busy too busy.

I did sleep sans any meds last night via meditating. And just plain passing out. I ate a kick ass platelet-building steak dinner last night (so I can do round #2 of chemo next week if I can get my red blood #s up on my own). So steak #2 is on it's way for tonight - thanks to Sis #3.

I had a great day. Got to see Meerkat, Sis #1, and Sis #1's hubster - he's my guy.

I miss my kiddos (my under 5 crowd that I am used to babysitting), and my Zoe, but I know it makes it easier to deal with knowing they are having a great time.

And the hell??? Was I the only one who watched the UT Massacre in progress? Holy crap, when I saw last it was like 66 or something to 14??? Ouch.

Hook 'em.

Your assignment today is to eat some veggies. And to enjoy a sporting event. Be active for me today.

Need Some Pimpin

I use way old movable type for my blog. I still dig it and it doesn't bug me so much as others.

But Sis #1 wants me to get a link to my paypal to add as a *sticky* type thing and then perhaps to add something on here that will link to the mailing addy and all that jazz to help me financially.

Also, dangit, if Dooce can talk about constipation on her site and make $1500 a month or whatever for dynamic lesbian book ads, well ya'd think that maybe someone who is all sexy and bald and stuff could actually post a few ads or whatever for um... dunno.... scarves? Cool earrings?? I could hock some vibrator or crazy thing on this site. Not like I have to actually use them or whatever?? (oh... I'd go for the earrings 200%).

So anyone up for some pimping who could jazz this site up a bit to add a few things? The only person I know who knows how do to the MT stuff is kind of tied up with her dad's cancer stuff :(. Love to Kymberlie right now!!

Pimpin' ain't easy. Neither is looking cool in a scarf without actually looking like a pirate. Which I do.

I think I'm going to do a glamour shot - of me with actual bald and makeup. And I buzzed it a bit more so it's less spotty. I think I will sell ads on my head or shave in the Texans logo if need be. Cos my hair is going to fall out like a bunch. For a while. And yeah. Bring on that winter thing. Hats can be hot!

So pimps. Por favor. Call me.

Debu_Bald

GI Jane + Uma Thurman = Debu_baldkickingasschick

Started off with the haircut that never ended (it was all falling out), and ended up me just saying... "cut that shit off."

I dig it. Hope you do too. It kicks ass.

Now I am uber supreme kick ass-er!

P.S. Here is me and Sis #3. She's a cute little gorgeous, tiny thing who has been my Saving Grace. We haul ass in our "BMW wheelchairs" in the hospital, and she's been taking care of me like a Princess at my Debu_Chalet in the Woods. (I'm not at my house, but at family friend's who live closer to MDA).

I don't have to wear the mask all the time, just around lots of peeps/crowds/and anywhere I might get sick. So you sniffly ones, stay the heck away!! How much are you digging the Battle Red signed Texans hat. That stud David Carr signed it - woo - "God Bless you, Deb!" mmmm... hottie.

P.S.S. We won't mention the whole bikini wax, but this could be um... interesting I guess. Too bad there is NO SEX FOR THE BALD SEXY BITCH! Well, if I had a "spouse" according to the "Living with Leukemia" video, I'd be getting it on regularly. Like I said though... um... does the spouse come with the IV?

Good Day

Had a good day today. I think it's the end of hair, but oh well. It's just hair. And at least mine can grow back, unlike many many of my lovely male friends.

Plus I get wigs. Fun ones and cool hats.

[aside] um....wtf. It's like 80 out??? It's almost mid November, so where is all the good hat weather???

Even though I slept like crap, I was post steroid, and I think those make me feel horrible (and have blurry vision and high blood sugar)

and I ate some Mexican food. Yum. Yum.

Today enjoy a funny movie. I watched that movie Dave with Kevin Klein. Too funny.

What's Much More Fun?

First off, you want to link to my financial plea, please go right ahead. I ain't too proud to beg. Ok. So I am. But I am doing it anyway as I need to make an insurance payment from a non-existant paycheck.

So Here is the link to the thing. You know. The thing.:

Ok. So lets play how many typos can be spotted in this entry. Mmmkay? Because we are now going on day 4 of shitty insomnia. Most likely caused by a belly full of meds. Bleh.

Well that and the fact that I nearly peed myself tonight. Because I can't just jump my happy tired ass out of bed to sprint to the can as it serves my need. Nothing like incontinence to make you sprint to the potty at 1am. That and the fact that I ain't no bed wetter. not yet anyway.

I have tired like no other now. Day 4 is usually the bewitching night for insomniacs. How do they do this. I don't know how I'm doing this because I can barely see anyway as my eyes are blurry from chemo. Oh fun. But it makes it much more fun to type without my reading glasses anyway. This could get rich.

Did I tell you that my endocronologist is a spaz and makes my blood sugar go up just talking to her? I had an 18 minute phone conversation about my blood sugar. I'm like...do you get paid by the minute? And why do I need to go to the hospital to tell you what my blood sugar is doing? How about email lady...

Ok. I think I may go read about Lance Amstrong s'more as that's what I did last night. Lance and his one ball. His one kickass ball.

Damn, tired has new meaning tonight. That and Depends. They hopefully won't have any meaning anytime soon.

God Bless You One And All

I know that peeps have asked about contributing financially. Seriously, I can't fathom anyone wanting to do this, but it is with a hard heart that I even have to think about any of this. Especially working and being single now for so long. So hard to even think about asking anyone for help when you are used to doing it yourself all the time.

I do not have short term disability, so I will not even be getting any money for over 180 days, and even then it's only a small small percentage. Between my insurance payment and my medicine co-pays, it will be about 800+ a month (that doesn't take any of my normal bills into account - rent, car, insurance, etc.).

So for anyone that wants to send a few bucks my way, the best way is to send a check payable to Sis #1

By check made out to: Stephanie Stradley, to place in my designated account.

Please send it to:
Stephanie Stradley
Deb Fund c/o
Stradley, Chernoff & Alford, L.L.P.
Republic Building
1018 Preston, 2nd Floor
Houston, Texas 77002

If you have any questions about the fund or would like to make a transfer directly into the account via online banking, please contact my sis at (713) 222-9141 or debfund@houston.rr.com.

I do have a paypal acct, but for now, the best way is to send the money to the account. If you really really want to paypal (bleh, they take a big fee), you can send to via bank transfer or credit card payment to debfund@houston.rr.com via www.paypal.com.

Please note that Paypal takes out a surcharge of 30 cents plus 2.9% of the payment to use this service.

I would love it if you could spread the kind word. I am also going to have Sis #3 sell my beloved Grandmother's antique golf clubs, but that would be extra special and cost someone big time (they are totally cool looking too).

If you have questions, just send me an email at the debster mail on the usual link.

Love you all. So very very much!

I'm Alive

I'm alive.

Just not much internet access.

I have no more chemo until day 21 (I think). I'm on day 15. So far it just gives me a wee ouchie belly. At least no puking, and the hair to come out soon enough (or whatever - I'll take pics)

Lots of bruises. Tiredness. Lots of waiting at the docs.

And thank God for my sisters (all three of them), and for my lovely, D1, who brought us dinner last night and saved my ass (which has now lost like 10-15 lbs).

I will catch up soon. Very soon.

Love you!

Debster

Zoe Ren Princess!

Thanks to D1 for the pics & for taking my Z. Zoe was dressed as a princess. she looked so pretty.

I may get to see her today. I can't wait.

Here was a brief Zoe-style description of the RenFest.

"I ate chicken on a stick."
"I saw fireworks."
"I rode an elephant."
"I saw faries."

Kind of like a typical day at casa_debu anyway.

Too tired to crop much. But the pics made me smile. Especially seeing her with her friends and her riding the elephant. I know she had a blast and it's really important to me for Zoe to see "our friends." They are like my family.

Thanks to Sis #2 for dressing her up too.

Some pics from ELM's (D1's cutie's) birthday party. Soooo typical Zoester. Love it.

A Week of Firsts

Well I'm home. Temporarily. I will be at my BIL's mom's house on Monday. Mom is currently taking care of me (and she made the veggie beef soup of the gods yesterday - I had 2 servings it was so good). My baby sis (Sis #3 - my cutiepie) is going to take some time off from work and come in town from Austin. She's so sweet to do so, and it is so comforting to be to think that as I go through some of the worst of chemo, I will have someone related to me taking care of me. Especially the day my hair falls out. I will get through it, but I'm dreading it. I hear that will happen in a week or two :(. Oh well. It's just hair.

Mom has to leave on Tuesday to go take care of my dad, who is about to have part of a toe amputated. He needs her. When I talk to him he sounds so sad and that makes me sad. I am sure he will be fine, but he needs her more than me.

I am feeling ok. I had a round of chemo yesterday, and I think the worst part was driving home after. Not the best for nausea control, but I did it. And God watched out for us because my mom HATES driving on the freeway. But she did it. And she kicked butt!

I was supposed to come home Thursday, but I had fainted that morning. Totally bizarrooo. I washed my hands in the bathroom, then sneezed like three times in a row. I woke up, crashed on the floor in my hospital room, and then puked in the trash can. How attractive. I now have the hugest bruise on my arm from where I hit the table as I fell (which I don't remember). I cried. It was pretty scary. And pretty sucky to think how weak I am. How easy it is to just go down like that. I feel strong one minute, then so vunerable the next. Such is the story of this disease I guess.

So then they did my first "lumbar puncture" aka a spinal tap. Now that was really freaky. They did it, then put chemo right into my spine. I get another one tomorrow. I don't like those. It hurts, but I won't flinch. I am going to kick it's ass too. But shit... lumbar puncture?? Why don't they just call it Spinal Torture from Hell?

Basically what happens now is that, as my new superfantasticItalianwomandoctor said, you are out of the hospital, but you are on a leash. You basically have doctor's appointments about every other day or more for weeks. And that... well sucks. But whatever.

But at least I will be out of the hospital. People can visit, but not if they are sick. Not even a sniffle, as a fever can send me straight back there or could kill me.

I feel pretty ok. I think the spinal taps have done some weirdness to my back/neck as I have like charlie horse's on random occasions. They suck and make it to where I can't breathe from the pain.

I also got all my scripts. Sis #1 bought them all from the pharmacy and it was like $260. For ONE MONTH. Jesus I need to date a drug rep.

Ok. So Sis#1 worked on a few things and mainly the way it would work if the kind peeps o' the internet want to help me out of this financial hell is that peeps can send a check to her for the fund, or she's set up a paypal account.

The check is preferred as Paypal is a huge fee taker. As soon as she has it all written up and stuff, I'll be sure to post it. Then I'm gonna pray to the internet gods and the kind peeps of the www that some fundage comes my way because this shit is spensive!!!! I figure if people can pass on those stupid totally old Snopes bullshit emails, maybe peeps can send a buck or two to help pay for these "nupogen" shots (and thank God for insurance b/c if I didn't have it, the shots are 20K a month). Nupogen shots are what are going to help build back my immune system - so they so kickass.

I'm rambling. Oh well. What's new?

I am hoping to maybe get to see Zoe today. I don't know if she's sick. But I got these little bitty masks and if she wears a mask and gloves and so do I, I might get to see her.

It's really so hard to not see her. Especially being in my apartment. It's not the same here without her, and it made me cry when I first walked in.

The hardest is trying to sleep at night without her. She's a part of me, and I can only liken it (weirdly) to someone who has has part of them amputated. I wake up and something's off. Something is missing.

And I miss her little laugh. Her smile and her silly jokes. I want to see her so bad.

My sweet friend D1 took her to the Renaissance Festival yesterday. Sis #2 said it was funny when she met up with them at her son's football game. She was like... That must be Deb's friend - as D1 was dressed up as a wench. I am going to be better by next year so I can go. I love the Renfest! I bet Zoe had a blast with the girls. I can't wait to hear about it.

I miss my life. But as Sis #1 says - it is what it is.

Your assignment today is to make something really tasty for dinner. To enjoy every flavor there is. To buy some great fresh fruit/veggies (as I can't have any), and to really enjoy your dinner - like candles and good music.

My taste buds are for crap. And I have perm yuck mouth. So enjoy some great food today. I expect no less of you.

I love you folks. It has been one of the few things that makes me feel normal - to feel connected.

I can do this.

Why I'll be Just Fine

Sis #2. Ok. She posted the extended in my comments, but it is too good to pass up. It is in reference to my nightmare the other night.

I'm totally lucky because there are also 5 more of us - YES FIVE - for a total of seven ginourmous dorks - JUST LIKE ME.

Makes for the best holidays EVER!!!! Although it's hard not to have to nearly do the "heiney-lick" manuever from laughing/choking while eating.

Okay, I just want to say that I just got all 4 kids down by 7:30 pm. How you ask? Well I hardly like to give up my masterful mothering techniques, but for ya'll . . . I guess I'll give it up.

Basically I told them that if they were in bed by 8:30 (their normal bedtime), I'd give them a dollar each. If they were in bed by 7:30, I'd give them $2. I have to say that was 6 bucks well spent.

Normally on a nightly basis I don't resort to bribery, but Dad went out of town last minute so...

It not really bribery, as much as, allowing them to earn a little pocket money. :) An incentive plan. I'm really getting them ready for the business world. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. I'm all about the big picture. Next week, maybe I'll teach how to write a resume and how to stay out of office politics.

I'm not sure, but come to think of it, they may have earned more money going to sleep than some people do in some foreign countries in a day. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

FYI- if your wondering about the math- 4 kids, $6 not $8, it's because the baby fell asleep as soon as the other children were out of sight. And she doesn't need the money, she has a sugar daddy - his name is Daddy.

So in conclusion folks, what does this exciting retelling of my incrediably exciting evening have to do with my big sister's agonizing dream -absolutely nothing.

Deb you're worried about your girl and you miss her terribly, that is incredibly understandable considering the incredible circumstances. Sometimes we have bad dreams that reflect our intermost anxieties. I'm not going to say anymore without consulting Dr. Phil, other than that if she really got splashed at Seaworld, the reality would be that we would really be more concerned that she was covered in Orca piss.

***Well don't you think of that? The whales have to go somewhere. Whales do not even have the luxury of using the granny can.

They doody and tee tee in the same water they swim in - that they splash YOU with.

It's piss water.

Doesn't that make you want to sit on the front row next time you're at the Seaworld?

Actually, it so frigin' hot in San Antonio, I wouldn't mind so badly being cover in some nice cold whale urine. It's pretty diluted by the time it lands all over you.

I think though if one is going to be cover in whale smegma, if one is too hot of course, one should close ones eyes and mouth during said splashing.

Is Seaworld hiring spokepersons? 'Cause I think I should apply.

ENJOY SEAWORLD - A WORLD OF GOLDEN SHOWERS.

You take care of you Deb. I'll take care of Z. I'm no you, but I'll do until you get better.

Lots of hugs and kisses,
Sis#2 (and the regardless of my big sister says the #2 does not stand for whale poop.)

Secret Spy Note

Zoe's teacher is the sweetest thing ever. I mean like EVER! Seriously.

She's been reading my email to Zoe every day and then Zoe emails back.

Here was today's Zoe "secret pen pal" message:

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hi Mommy! I am wearing a purple shirt and panties hose today. I am going to talk to you later.

I felt the first true meaning of fear I think I've ever had in my life. I mean, scary things have happened to me before, but it was never as terrifying as what I experienced last night.

I woke up at some random time. Not unusual for this place. But I woke up and started crying. Bad bad nightmare.

The details of my nightmare are randomly sketchy, as most of my dreams usually are, but the feeling was immediate fear. Immediate and helpless.

Zoe was at some Seaworld-type park. We were watching the dolphins. All that weird funky-fish water was splashing everywhere. And then... Zoe was gone. Just gone. Like not one person could find her anywhere. They were looking for her everywhere - in the water, under the seats, in the hall. But she was just gone. And no one but me even appeared to be worried.

And I woke up with this desperate feeling that something is going to happen to Zoe. Yes, I know that she's being well taken care of. And even though my sis and I have had our childrearing differences, I still trust her more than anyone with my child. She's a great mom - a really natural mom. And she likes being a mom, which is important.

But I have such a helpless feeling that I am not the one watching her. That maybe someone doing me a favor by taking her to the park won't make sure she's buckled in her carseat. Or if someone is watching her and turns away for a second that someone will take her.

I cried and then I prayed. I prayed that I can just let that fear go and just trust. Because not trusting isn't an option right now. This situation really is the single mom's worst nightmare.

I send guardian angels to her every night. I pray that my sister has the stamina to keep with the gaggle of kids. I pray that she isn't too confused. And that she does well in school and doesn't get lost. I pray that she knows how much I adore her. I pray that Zoe stays my lovely Zoe - cartwheeling, smiling, tooth-wiggling, sweet, sassy Zoe.

She truly is a part of my heart. And I can do this solely because of her.

Top 10 Bloodsuckers

Top 10 Things I Have Learned About Leukemia

10. If you faint at the site of blood, you're screwed. Kill yourself now. Especially when they start in with the transfusions (of which I've had two). The blood is dark and thick and creeps its way down your iv like a snake. It's spooky as hell.

9. Even if you don't lose your hair from the chemo, it will still look as shitty as it ever has. Especially if there are any cute doctors in the vicinity.

8. Become one with your bodily fluids. Learn it. Live it. Urinate on it.

7. Post chemo, some foods taste like ass. And then some foods taste like ass on ass.

6. Weight loss. The diet nobody wants.

5. When you need some company or some help, there is no one to be found. When you want to be alone, every freaking doctor, social worker, volunteer dogooder, researcher, physical therapist will parade through your room. Especially if you want to take a nap.

4. Sit and be fit. Sadly that shit ain't no joke after laying in bed with a fever for two days.

3. I used to dream of a spa weekend. Now I just dream of a shower and a toothbrush - very similar to prison. Come to think of it, everyone that sees you asks for your patient ID #. Kind of like prison as well.

2. Good excuse to call in sick. Hey. Sorry. I'm gonna have to call in cancer today.

And the number one thing I have learned about having Dracula Blood:

1. You most certainly learn who loves you. And then you truly are surprised.

Ok. So I haven't had a fever in a while, so my new (and improved) adorable doctor said I could probably go home tomorrow. She is teeny tiny and is from Italy. She's got two girls - five and seven, and has a good spirit to her. I like her very much.

I'll be in touch.

Peace and Platelets!!

Feber

Still have fever. I'm so achy and can barely move.

Temporary. This too shall pass.