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Merry New Year

Round 4 will be over Monday. Just in time for the Rose Bowl. I'm so glad I'm kicking this one out. I hope there are no weird complications and I can go home on time. So far this hasn't been too bad. Just major amounts of water drinking as the Methotrexate is super toxic and is hard on your kidneys so you have to really flush it out of your system. I got it on the first try *high five!*

Today is movie day. Sis #1 brought me some of the funniest movies, so that's what I've been doing all day. I'm going to watch some good ones tonight to ring in the New Year. If I'm lucky, my friend A will bring me dinner again. I lucked out and got a Pappasitos Fajita Salad again last night. I can't describe how great that salad it. Fajitas, tomatoes, mushrooms, carrots, olives and the best creamy avacado ranch dressing. It is amazing and I bet I could eat that with every meal.

I did get to celebrate the Merry New Year online with Monkey Boy in Sri Lanka. Later, he is going to find me to ring in the Central Time Zone New Year. Kind of cool to be so international. Makes me feel like a 00 spy. Although I've been told I so suck it as a spy - since I can't synchronize my clock.

I'm looking forward to 2006. Today actually started off so glum as they woke me up at like 3:30 to hook up some chemo bag. I got woken up quite a bit after that. I was feeling all sorry for myself, started thinking about my bone marrow transplant, and subsequently sent myself into a mini-tizzy. But then my number one cheerleader came online and the wallowing didn't last for another minute.

I really think that my support system has been absolutely key in my healing and great progress. I don't know how someone would do if they had to go this alone. It's hard to get down when people remind you that there is life past this, and that they show you so much love and support. I'm amazed every day. I really do feel so loved.

I have such high hopes for 2006. I know that with the bone marrow transplant, which they may actually be looking at doing in February (yes.. I'm kind of freaking as that seems so soon), I will have some rough days ahead of me. I've started reading people's stories more now that it's closer to the time. Some are so disheartening, but some are so full of hope.

I know I can do this. A BMT is the closest thing to a cure that they have. And because of my chromosome anomaly, I really do need to have one so that the leukemia doesn't relapse. It's a scary prospect, and is as big of a deal as say an organ transplant. But there are so many people who have had this done and are alive and well - better even than before.

I just want to be physically be healthy. Spiritually and mentally I am in such a great place right now. I have so much to look forward to in the future, I just want to feel better so that I can be Zoe's mom. I want to feel better so that I can show my friends and family how much I love and appreciate them. I want to feel better so that I can get uber physically healthy like I had when I started my Body for Life Challenge.

I want to challenge myself physically to be my best so that I can enjoy my life and feel what it's like to not be so exhausted and depressed all the time.

I know this will happen. I know I can't push myself too hard or rush this. But I'm just so excited about the possibilities.

I look forward to this new year and the love and challenges it will bring my way. I hope and pray that I am as blessed with the BMT as I have been with the chemo with the minimal side effects I have had. I want this to work and will hope and pray as hard as I can that it does. Because the possibilities are so endless. The love is so endless. The challenges and hopes and my dreams are so endless now.

I know I can do this. I have love and hope on my side.

Your assignment going into this new year is to find the one dream or hope that you never thought possible. I want you to find your reserve and gather every ounce of resolve and truly make it happen. I don't want you to make any more excuses why it can't happen. I want you to break down any barriers that you have set up for yourself and just do it for a change. The only thing stopping you is yourself. So stop it. And just go for it. Challenge yourself and you'd be surprised what can really happen if you let it and you want it. You owe yourself, so for a change, honor and love and cherish yourself. You are totally worth it.

Much love today and may you have a healthy, blessed, prosperous, fun, peace-filled 2006. Laugh often too.

You know that I love you, right? How could I not? I'm the luckiest bald girl around.

Gifts

This morning I'm hanging with my girl Methotrexate again. It's bright yellow like a strong margarita. Maybe that's why I'm craving the Pappasitos fajita salad again.

I got up earlier that I should have and monkey'd on down to the Starbucks for my Independence Latte. It's kind of cool to walk around in your pajamas and slippers while everyone goes on their way to work. I was kickin' it with my UT hat too, so that got a few hook 'ems.

I wish I had a friend to come hang out here with me. Most patients have people that stay over with them, or lots of visitors. All my friends work or have kids and/or are sick. I think it would be fun just to hang out and watch Blazing Saddles or something. I guess I'm just in a goof off kind of mood.

If I get a full IV tower, I think I'm going to go meander around the hospital today. We are allowed to walk around, but sometimes the IV thing beeps and it gets annoying.

I get another lovely interthecal chemo spinal puncture today. At least they don't hurt that bad. Sad state of affairs when the thought of a giant needle in your spine no longer freaks you out.

Ok. Off to read.

Today your assignment is to go to bed early or take a lush nap. Tomorrow rings in the New Year, and you need to be snappy for that. I got the most beautiful Brookstone napping blanket and pillow and I fully intend to use them sometime today. Enjoy!

Some people just get the gift thing so right - like when someone really gets you. These are the people you need to keep forever.

HOOK 'EM!

Pie

Rach: I LOVE CARBS

deb_u: pasta.. for me.. mexican food
deb_u: I am officially in love with carbs
deb_u: I want to marry them

Rach: Atkins and me didn't get along so well, I lost 50lbs, went off and gained 60

deb_u: and have 2930349 carbohydrate babies.. made of pure sugar

Rach: bread is my arch nemesis
Rach: I will adopt some of your sugar babies

deb_u: hahahahaha
deb_u: I will have a baby made of bread just for you
deb_u: call him pancho, the bread bambino

Rach: LMAOL
Rach: minus the L

deb_u: I just laughed so hard i shook my bed

Five

How do you wrap your head around the concept of cancer when you are five years old? I mean, really?

I woke up this morning and thought of Zoe. My lovely little Zoe. Oh she of the long brown hair and big brown eyes; the toothless-wondered being that she is right now.

She's five.

"Mommy, when are you going to get out of the hospital?"

Christmas was lovely to me. Just seeing her face. Watching her play with her cousins. Watching the ever present energy that has always been my daughter. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough for me. It held for me. Sweet and pure, and I really and truly felt the simplicity of meaning of Christmas Day that day.

She gave me a beaded wrap that she picked out on a shopping trip with my friend, D1. It's colorful and lovely and actually something I would have wanted to buy for myself. I have never seen such pride as I did when Zoe gave me that present. She was so excited, and I felt like the Queen.

But the Queen isn't bald and tired and she doesn't need naps (ok, so maybe she is, but you get the picture).

I feel so hands off with Zoe. Even though we hugged and snugged up on the couch and watched the Nutcracker, it felt so fleeting, so temporary. Because at the end of the day, I had to pack her in the car with all her new toys and send her "home."

"Mommy, when are you going to get out of the hospital?"

Given were phrases to placate. "Mommy is getting better. Mommy has to still take medicine to get better. It's a long time, but Mommy is getting better."

Five year olds can barely stand to wait for their chicken nuggets. How on earth is she supposed to understand indefinite wait when I don't even understand it?

"Basically they are going to kill Mommy over and over about six to eight times with this chemo-to-the-therapy, then they are going to completely radiate her in a microwave and start all over again with some new cells that may or may not want to stay in Mommy's bone-to-the marrow for good. In the mean time, Mommy will still be bald, but you just eat your spinach and learn how to read."

I remind myself that it's temporary. That when I look back, this will be just a blip in my life. A blip. People actually tell me all of this will be a fucking blip in my life.

But Zoe isn't a blip. She is my magic. And I know kids are resilient (because everyone and their momma keeps telling me that), and I know that later down the line she won't remember most of this, and that it's harder on me than it is on her... B to the L to the A to the H...

and I know this
and I know this
and I G*damn know this,

but it still doesn't make it any easier when I have to say goodbye to her. When four and five and six hugs aren't enough. I know she wants more. She wants me and needs me. And, my God, I need her more.

This child gathered up all the toys she got from Santa et all and put them all in a box so she could bring them for me to see. Zoe and her orphaned toys. Her little precious cargo: Barbies and Dora Princesses, plastic jewels, and coloring books.

Resilient? A blip? She will forget it?

Well I won't. I refuse. I can't.

She is the reason I can do this.

Today your assignment is to just hug your kids. Smoosh them even if they are "too big for hugs." When they piss you off, and are on your last nerve and you are hating the toy manufacturers, and you'd wish school would start soon so you could get some peace and quiet... just hug them. Before it's too late. Before you blow up at them or ignore them or just get plain tired of them. Appreciate and love those kids like.. guess what? like there is no tomorrow.

And if you don't have kids, be understanding of those who do today. It's hard to have kids and they do get on your nerves, but sometimes people just forget how wonderful they truly can be. Be understanding and not judgmental today and just pray that those people never have to find out just how much they are missing.

It's so much better writing with you.

Does a Body Good

I slept the sleeep of the dead last night. Well at least the sleep of some Darvon, a nice little painkiller.

No transfusion needed yesterday. I was just a few points up, so they said it wasn't necessary. It explains why I'm tired, as the counts are below a normal person, but still low - lack of oxygen to the ol' debu_muscles.

And I'm in remission again. My counts have recovered, so if my labs are up again this Thursday (yes. tomorrow), I will be admitted for Round 4 of chemo. ROUND 4 ... in this corner...

I think I'm not quite ready for this, but if my doctor thinks I'm ready, I say go for it. She's a smart egg, so I trust her. At first she was going to wait until "after new years," but I convinced her that um... I didn't really have any plans for New Year's Eve, so it didn't matter. At least I might be out in time to watch the Rose Bowl on the 4th.

I am a wee bit supersticious about New Year's Eve as it always seems like whatever you are doing on New Years is what you end up doing for the rest of the year. And in the past ten years, this has come true for me. So if I'm in the hospital, does that mean I will spend the rest of the year there? I hope not. But I can also look at it like I will be in the hospital kicking and conquering cancer's ass. And 2006 will (again) be the Year of the Deb.

Personally, I know what I'd like to be doing on New Years, but since Monkey Boy will still be in Sri Lanka, I guess going to the movies for a date is out anyway. Looks like chemo it is then. I'm taking a raincheck on the date night.

I have been feeling kinda punk for the past week, really tired and achy, but today I am determined to (Moonstruck moment) *snap out of it!!* I got some new chocolate raspberry coffee from Sis #1 (woo), so I am empowering myself this morning to choose not to feel bad.

At MD Anderson, you see patients everywhere. And so many of them are in so much pain. So, in comparison, my pain level/punk level is pretty wimpy. Today I will try to remember my friend Wanda, who has had to undergo 30 days of outpatient chemo - arsenic - in order to beat her relapse of leukemia. She always has a smile, even through tears. Even when I know she is hurting and frustrated, she always has a smile and a kind word. So today I'm going to give this pain away and have a good day.

I can be strong today. I will be strong today.

I'm going to pack my suitcase today, and hopefully my new year will be most definitely be rung in with my body on it's way to healing.

I can do this.

Today your assignment is two-fold: I want you to think about 2006. To think about what exactly your priorities will be for that new year. Do you want to do more charitable works? Do you want to set a goal and meet/beat it? Does your spirit need a lift? And I want you to do something on New Year's Eve that supports your goals for 2006. And to actually *do* something instead of just thinking about it. Don't just do the typical NYE celebration, do something quality for yourself, your family, your loved ones. Ring in the New Year with hope and promise and wellness. I plan on it.

And to my girl, Rachel in AK, keep up the good work. I'm so proud of you for staying off the smoke wagon. I know the holidays don't lend themselves to diet and exercise as much, but you are kicking butt and I'm so proud of you for committing yourself. Those pictures of your kiddo make it all worthwhile. That little girl needs you and your sacrifices and determination are so worthwhile.

Keep up the good work!! Love ya!

Counts

I find out for sure this afternoon where my counts are, but I sure wouldn't be surprised if they are in the can right now.

I don't think I've ever felt this tired before. Not even after my c-section with Zoe have I felt as draggin ass as I have been for the past few days. While it was lovely to see my daughter, it was also horrible because I pretty much couldn't get off the couch. And so far, no amount of caffeine has helped.

I am thinking that I will/should be getting a blood transfusion sometime today. I don't know for sure, but I really hate feeling so horribly tired. It makes it hard to function and I've not been sleeping well. And my vision is blurry from these dumb steroids.

Today is going to be a very long day at the clinic. Lab work and two doctor's appointments. I know I'm going to be in a wheelchair too, which I dislike. I really hate feeling so weak that I can't walk.

And I've noticed that I have been worrying more than I should be. So today I'm going to snap out of it and just continue to pray and give it all up. Worrying never solves anything, nor will it.

I am too tired to think, so I'm cutting this short.

I know I can do this. I just want to sleep a bit more.

Today's assignment is to just let go. Worries, grudges, anything that is on your mind that you are upset about. Worrying never helps, otherwise I'd tell you to go for it. Give your worries up to God, Buddha, Dick Cheney, whomever; I am going to try to practice this myself today. I hope you do too.

Thanks for the reminder, Monkey Boy!

It just doesn't get any better than this

Just one of those days that wear you out from love.

I found this picture. It's one of my favorites

Merry Christmas

Today I get to see Zoe for the first time in about three weeks. I can't think of any present better than getting to see that child. I miss her every minute of every day. It's nearly painful. I can't wait to see her.

I plan on going over to Sis #1's house where we are going to eat a nice Christmas lunch, and then Zoe gets to come over and it will just be she and I as my sister is going to her in laws for a few hours.

Last night couldn't have been any more perfect. I got to go to Sis #1's house for some of the best steak I've ever had. Then her kids got jammied up and opened presents. I've never seen sweeter kids who were any more enthusiastic. They could not be any less jaded those two.

I also got the hugest hugs and lots of "I love you, Aunt Debbys.' I love them too. So so much.

When I got home, I also discovered the power of the internets and talked to The Austin Boy all the way from Sri Lanka. No monkeys in site, but it was still very sweet and funny and a lovely lovely way to finish my day.

I hope that you all have a joyous holiday, and that 2006 is a wonderful, peace-filled, prosperous new year for all of us. I'm planning on it to be. Thank you all so much for your love and support. It really means so much to me during this journey I'm on.

I woke up extra early today, but I'm thinking I may skip coffee for now and go back to bed.

I can do this. My pillow and blankie say so too.

Today your assignment is to sleep in as best you can and love this day. Love your people today. Enjoy the little things like a good cup of coffee, the smile on a child's face, and be appreciative of any gifts you get - even if it's not what you want. It really is the thought that counts, and just by getting something, means that that person was thinking of you, even if it was for a moment and even if those aren't earrings you'd pick out for yourself... in a million years.

Love this day. I plan on it. I hope you do too.

Craving

Someone mail me some cookies. STAT!

I just want cookies or some Italian cream cake.

These steroids are making me eat like a teenage boy. And I'm stuck with popcorn, yogurt, and nuts. Not quite the same as a huge cookie and a glass of milk.

Soon. Soon.

Holiday Cheer

Today is Christmas Eve.

I am going to spend most of the day alone. But that's ok. I have Christmas cards to work on. Sis #1 is taking her family to the Texans game and then she is going to pick me up so we can eat steaks - yay!

My counts must be in the crapper. I have to sit up for a minute before I stand up as I'm a bit dizzy. I get really out of breath easily. And for some reason, I'm ungodly thirsty. My next lab work isn't until Tuesday, so I am thinking I need to really take it easy. I will. I have been.

Christmas day will be spent at Sis #1s house too. Then Sis #2 is going to bring my Zoe over. I can't wait to see her as it's been like two weeks and I've been missing her like crazy. I wrapped up Princess Fiona's laptop and that will be the present I give her. I wasn't able to get out and do any shopping this year, and I most certainly know I would never be able to afford anything that nice. I know she will love it and I'm so glad because now that she's learning to read, she will be able to play more of the games. I am going to tell her that it came from a Princess in a faraway land, so she will think that's cool. Fiona, you really made my Christmas so bright. You have no idea.

I found this picture, and it reminds me of what Christmas really should be like. Christmas at my parents with the big tree, packed full of presents, and a child who is so excited she can barely contain herself. And new Barbie Christmas pajamas.

I hear so many people complain about all the work that Christmas entails, but I have never been like that. Each year, since I have been a single mom, I haven't had a lot of money to buy Zoe any presents. But some how, I have had friends and family buy her so many gifts that it never seems that way.

Zoe and I used to decorate our apartment. We have this little fake tree - truly a Charlie Brown lookalike, with all these little ornaments we got at Target. Then we have a bunch of lights that we decorated every window and a wreath for our door. Then we had our stockings, and this beautiful Nativity set - Zoe always used to play with the Baby Jesus and rearrange the shepherd, Mary, and wise men.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I never minded shopping and loved all the decorations everywhere. When I had my daughter, it just made it all that more special.

This year is special in that I feel like I have seen the Christmas spirit for months now. Complete strangers have given so much to the deb_fund that it totally shocks and humbles me. I don't think those people understand how much that means to me, and what a relief it has been to me and my family.

I truly feel so blessed that the worries are lessened, and that so many strangers care about me. Those benefactors will know for the rest of my life I will try to make them proud and I must do something of value with the rest of my life. I can never repay them, but I will do my damndest to show them that I can do this and will continue on their good deeds somehow.

This Christmas will be a good one. Even though it is different, that doesn't necessarily mean that it won't be great. It's just different - like I am different now. I think it's even better because it's like Christmas for me every day.

I can do this. With Christmas sprinkles on top.

Today your assignment is to take it easy. To not see the hustle and rush of Christmas, but to see it from Zoe's eyes. Excitement. The gift of true giving and the Christmas spirit. Fun. Family. Appreciating what you do have and not what you don't. Today is a day to slow down and really think about how the holiday should feel and then make it so. You'd be suprised how little all the rest of it means when you look for the spirit. Find it today.

Merry Christmas to you in Sri Lanka. Give that monkey a Christmas banana and sing him Jingle Bells while he stares at you in the open shower.

Old Habits

Today's treatment went fast. I am already home and it's only 11am. My counts are low, so I'm thinking there will be lots of naps in my near future along with a blood transfusion next week. At least I'm not in the hospital, so I'm thankful.

Last night it was late. I wanted to take a shower since I had to get up so early today. So I'm pouring shampoo in my hand and realize that I poured the same amount as I used to ... although I don't have as much hair as I used to. It took me back for a minute as I rinsed the excess down the drain.

Most of the time I don't realize that I'm bald until I actually look in the mirror. Or when I catch someone looking at me.

Hair is such a big part of most women's appearance - it's a big deal. Some use it as a fashion accessory and many use it as a security blanket. We fix it, spray it, wash it, color it, cut it ... So many things we do just to look good. I didn't do all that much to my hair before, but I really had beautiful hair. Amazingly beautiful hair if I do say so myself. I was really prideful about that. I finally got the color the way I wanted it, and the length - well that took a good four years to grow out.

But I really can't but think that going bald happens for a reason when you get cancer. It's humiliating. It's depressing. It's humbling. But in the end, it grows back. Sometimes different somehow. And when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't so much see a bald person, but a changed person. A stronger person. I will get my life back, just like I will get my hair back.

I think of my baldness as a way to make me focus on other things. I no longer have the luxury of being selfish. Of focusing on the superficial, the unimportant. The unnecessary. Hair to me is secondary to all of the more important things in my life right now - my loves, my treatment, my survival of this disease, and my future.

I'm different. I don't know if I can go back to my life like it was before. And I know I will not go back to my old ways of thinking as they were before. I'm stronger, I'm more determined, and I appreciate life and love so much more than I used to.

I am a survivor and can't imagine not using that knowledge to somehow better my life and the lives of others.

One mission that I have been mulling over is working with the National Bone Marrow Registry. Bone marrow donations are less invasive than they used to be. Registering to be put in the database is fairly easy. But in most cases it costs money to join, which is prohibitive to some people. I would love to be involved in raising money to pay for the testing so that more people can register, especially minorities. I know of two people who have leukemia who are on the waiting list to find a match. I can't imagine having something so close within your reach, yet so far from happening.

I have no choice but to do something. I owe it to myself and to the people who I will be helping. My life has been saved by angels, so I must make that effort pay off for someone else.

I know I can do that. I just can.

Today your assignment is to take a personal inventory. Is there something in your life that needs to be different right now? Are you living a life you are proud of? If not, what things can you do to help someone else? And how are you going to get started on that, instead of just thinking it? Another Mother Theresa Quote (hey, tis the season): "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one." Do your part. You owe it to yourself.

And YES!! Sri Lanka, she has the internets!!!

:)

2005 - In Review

Thanks to Ms. Pants for this. I say class participation is in order, so blog your own.

List of debu_lessons learned in 2005.

Just when you are about to throw in the towel, someone uncovers some sunshine.

Jagermeister is not my baby daddy. (thanks, Pants)

Old shoes are not as cute as you think they are.

I have an inner girly girl trapped in the body of a 38 year old. My girly girl is dying to go shopping. Like all the time. The inner girly girl makes me read Vogue, In Style, People, and watch the E! Channel and MTV. She also makes me wish I looked like Jessica Simpson sans the botox.

Never ever give up on love. It will surprise you one day when it shows its timid head.

There are more pictures of you out there than you are aware of. Most of these pictures are skeery.

There aren't many movies that move me. Hollyweird just isn't doing their job.

Sisters piss you off sometimes. But not for long. And not often. And you never mind. I can't live without mine. They are the trifecta of awesome.

My daughter is cuter than I. She knows it.

Don't bitch about your job. It's better than most.

Always say yes when someone offers you champagne.

Even when tested, your faith is greater than you think.

I believe in Girl Power. Or as the Sarcastic Journalist would say, "The Power of the Vagina."

Forgiveness is key. Especially when you use it on yourself.

I have no patience for stupidity. Or racists.

All it takes to ward off a bad month is one night out of ass shaking. With your cleavage hiked up to your chin.

If you put spaghetti in your "armpin" and then try to make it toot, all it does is make a mess of your shirt.

Younger boys can charm me. Only the lucky ones can keep me.

Camping is fun. With the right amount of jello.

I have a love hate relationship with medication. Vicoden, Neupogen, and Darvon are friendly, El Red Diablo makes me cry.

I'm too old to dance on a bar. But I'm not too old to feel like dancing on a bar.

The internets bring out the freaks. But it also brings out some amazing strangers, new friends, and very beloved loved ones.

P.S. To the wonderful person(s) who left the amazing gift basket on Sis #2's doorstep, you are sweet and wonderful. Your karma is assured infinity for such a kind and generous act. I don't have a clue who it was that sent that basket full of goodies to her, but it was so sweet and she told me she was completely overwhelmed and bowled over. Totally blown away.

It means so much to me to have great friends that would do such a kickass thing. Sis #2 is my hero as well and I think she rocks.

You are so cool for doing that. It truly does mean the world to me.

Hats, Wigs, and Queso, Oh My!

Grassy-ass for the fun suggestions.

Ritterskoop, there is no way I could write about desserts. I have food cravings like a Texas footballer doing twoadays. I think I would faint if I had to think about all the sweets I'm craving right now.

-------------------------------

I like Sis #1's suggestion: "Do a blog entry where everyone has to post a link on the internet of a fabu wig or hat for Debu. The more fabu the better."

So post away... I want to go on a date or two next month and don't have any fab winter hats. I might even wear some sassy, fun, funky wig if I can find one. So peeps of the internets, find this Bald Amazon some links to the most superfantastic hats and wigs you can find!

Meme Questions:

Five weird habits I have.

1. I always fix my coffee the same way every morning. Put the Splenda in my cup, pour in the hot coffee (so the Splenda dissolves), and then pour in enough half and half or creamer that my coffee turns caramel colored.

2. I obsessively check my email. And get like stupid giddy like a 12 year old when I see I have emails from certain people. Especially my international, jet setting super spy.

3. I sort my laundry as I put it in the hamper. I like to have it sorted and don't like to mix the darks and lights.

4. I am fairly OCD about lotion. I hate when my skin is dry (which is why I hate the chemo because it's making my skin peel)

5. I panic when I lose my phone or my purse. I'm a third generation New Yorker so I get fairly paranoid when my purse or phone aren't nearby.

The Kindness of...

What a sight. Sis #1 coming up the stairs with boxes stacked up in her arms. Christmas came way early at casa_debu. Not only did I get this cool box o' crafty goodies to share with Zoe from my sassy girl, Sugarsnit, but I got some Sephora lovliness from Princess Fiona. How do you make a sexy bald chick sexier? Why you smack on some Sephora lipgloss and Origins body souffle.

And then... There was this flat long box. I open it and Ms. Fiona had purchased a pinky pink Barbie laptop for my Zoe. I can't wait to wrap it and give it to her. Now she can be just like mommy. I was worried because I didn't get any gifts for Zoe (she gets bunches from her aunts), but now at least when I see her, I will be able to hand her one gift. Thank you Snit & Fiona.

I post on a forum and this participant's tagline is "Saved by Angels." I swear I'm going to steal that because that's exactly how I feel.

I watch the news every day. I can't watch too much of it because it seems to be the same thing over and over each day. Murders, robberies, fires, missing kids. Welcome to Houston.

But I wish there could be a debu_news channel. WDEB. My life is so full of love and positive energy. I gather this strength from so many friends and so many strangers. The outpouring of support and love from so many of you really does mean the world to me. The good days outweigh the bad, and the great days outweigh the good.

I know that some of you have commented that you appreciate my take on life now, but I really feel like you all are my angels and that during this isolated time in my life, you all have saved me. Like sunshine.

I can do this. Although it does take a bit of caffeine.

Today your assignment is to compliment a stranger. Sometimes, especially now, when I go out I'm very self conscious. I get stared at so often (I'm thinkin it's because you don't see 5'10 bald Amazon women every day), that it makes me nervous. So sometimes I just pretend that I don't care, and I'll just talk to strangers. Even when I'm uncomfortable, I still do it. Somehow I think that maybe this person was having a terrible day, so just saying hello or complimenting them on their shoes or something, I might have just made their day. Tell a really pregnant woman that she looks beautiful. Thank someone for their help and really mean it. So put on your brave face and be cheerful to a stranger. Mother Teresa said: Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.

Your Assignment this Week

I just got the call that Clem has finally passed away.

When I was in the hospital, I talked to my doctor about him a little bit and she seemed concerned that it would upset me to be around that situation. Which is actually so far from the truth. I was allright, because I know that I will be fine. It's just not my time yet, and I know that.

It was hard in that it was difficult for me to see someone that beloved go through all that with his family having to watch idly by. It is hard for me to conceive how much he, at his age, went through with his long battle with leukemia. I mostly just prayed that he was in no pain; I was sending the no pain vibes across that floor. And that he was also not aware of what was going on. I prayed for his family, that they would gather their strength to get through this.

I think that people should be able to die like that. While it would have been better had he been at home, at least he was constantly surrounded by those that loved him. I can think of no better way to go - knowing that you are surrounded by love and safe.

I know it's not hot outside, but this week I want you all to go out and buy a can or bottle of beer and drink it. His beer of choice was Budweiser, and if I could drink alcohol right now, I'd drink a big Bud toast to Clem.

I will fight this. I will fight this fucking disease for me and for Clem. He'd want me to.

Fromage

Ok. Audience participation time.

I've been so full of the cheese (to borrow a phrase from the Goddess Y) these past two weeks. Way too full. It's like fondue around here.

Be like a professor and give me something fun to write about. I hadn't seen any good meme's, have no current bizarro dating stories, and some of the pass it forward things have been much much too serious.

Serious is not in my nature.

So. I say... lay it on me. Ask me a question, give me a topic. I'm ready for some fun!

Love Big or Go Home

Some conversations, well, are just more important than others.

him: before I go....
him: I love you
him: you know that, right?

him: 2005 is going out pretty good too

And why yes, yes it is!

Yesterday was an exhausting day. I woke up tired, not feeling well, and running a bit later than I like. I had to be at the hospital by 9:45 for the bloodwork and then had a doctor's appointment and finally a spinal tap with chemotherapy. I knew when I saw my schedule that it would be a long day. When you don't feel up to par, it makes for an even longer day.

But it wasn't. It was yet another darn good day that I'm grateful to have.

This moment wasn't more clear than when I was getting the spinal tap. I was sitting on the bed, bent over the table with my head and arms on a pillow. The PA doing the procedure was, at best, a novice, and it seemed to be taking longer and was a bit more painful than normal.

But I looked over and saw my sister, Sis #1. She was sitting in the chair next to me and addressing Christmas cards. We were trying to crack jokes, and I was attempting to do some deep breathing so that it didn't hurt as much. I just wanted the pain to stop and be over with, but then I was like, "snap out of it!"

I started to think about my earlier conversation and how it was going to be all right because I was safe and ok. How because my sister was there with me, and my loved ones were with me in spirit, that I was loved and that everything else in the world at that moment didn't matter. Everything is secondary when you know that feeling.

I have always felt very loved by my family. I feel bad when people talk about their parents or siblings and they don't get along or are estranged. My family is an extension of me. I know people used to think it odd that we had so many children (seven), but I can't imagine life without any one of them.

I won't go all holy roller on you, but I went to a church retreat last year, and the theme was based on a scripture, Phillippians 4:13:
I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me.

During my treatment, this scripture means double for me. When I was first diagnosed, I basically said to God, ok.. you are going to have to deal with this for me because you have some broad shoulders and this is a bit more than I can handle right now.

And some of my first visitors were my older sis and her husband. They basically told me to not worry about anything other than healing and kicking cancer's ass. The rest would just work out.

This reassurance, from God (who has been doing a great job for me) and from my family has been the only reason I am able to deal with any of this. They make it easy and they put it in perspective. I can handle anything because I know I'm loved. Anything, any treatment, any medication, any procedure - it all is secondary because I am safe and loved.

I don't know where this journey will take me. I honestly don't know the outcome of my treatment or what will happen. But none of that matters to me. I feel strong and I draw that strength from God, my friends and my family. Nothing else matters. Trust me, it really doesn't.

I can do this. Love makes it easy.

Today your assignment is to think about the people you love and who love you. When you are stuck in hideous holiday traffic, tired of shopping for gifts, irritated with your boss, or just overwhelmed with a decision or situation, I want you to put it all in perspective and feel safe in the knowledge that you are loved and that you love. It is like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders. It's a gift, like a big giant security blanket. And now. Now you can handle anything

100

I have a match. A 100% bone marrow donor match. ONE HUNDRED. ONE HUNDRED.

I'm so excited and can't stop crying.

My brother said now I owe him a lemon merengue pie.

Clem

I had the Pappasitos grilled fajita salad with creamy avacado ranch dressing. It was awesome. Sis #1 got one too and we chowed down. I was still sick from the chemo, but my God that was the best meal I have had in my life. I never thought salad would taste so awesome. You should go eat one now.

I am happy today. I don't feel all that well, still feel really tired and am having some ill effects, but I feel fantastic. I'm so glad to be sprung. To still be here.

I wrote this to someone today:

I wish that you could know my life. How I feel. How excited I get about things and how different it all is. It's like your priorities were all put in a jar and shaken up. So many things that would have bothered me before, just don't. The little things you used to take for granted matter so much. And the people that support and love you just matter so much. I never want to take my life or my loves for granted, and I wish that you could know this. I wish I could show you this. Maybe you already do, but it's an amazing feeling.

I don't know why I write here. I feel like I just have to. But life really is good. Even when it is hard and seems impossible, it really just is good. I have a beautiful magical daughter, a loving family and amazing friends. I watch the news and hear stories and they are heartbreaking and often tragic, but through it all, I still think life is damn good. I can't imagine it any other way.

And the old phrase, "any day above ground is a good day," really is true for me. I'm grateful for what I have. I want to cry and thank God for how truly blessed I feel. I feel loved today. I feel safe today.

This past week's chemo was hard. I was glad to see friends, but I knew they were there to see my friend's dad. He is dying, or will die within a few days, and there isn't any more fighting for him. It just got to be too much. Too much.

But what I did see is a family coming together to say goodbye to a fine man. A man who was married for 45 years. Who lived in the same house for over 40 years. Who raised a fine family. And a man who fought this disease with dignity as best anyone could.

There are days when I'm going through this treatment and I'm like.. this shit hurts and I want to cry, or man, I feel so sick, so wimpy. It all gets to be so much. And then I think of this courageous man who has so many years on me who has gone through all the same. His family said he never complained. Never. Spinal taps, bone marrow biopsies, chemo, transfusions, radiation. No complaints. That just wasn't in his nature.

I hope to be one ounce as courageous and strong as he was. I hope I can and I will try and try.

My friend is one of the finest women I have ever met. She's loyal as the day is long. She is a great wife and has three adorable children. She's funny and beautiful and is one of the kindest people I know. Her mother is the same way. Always a smile on her face and spunkier than anyone. Then there is her sister in law, who always makes me laugh. I always like being wherever they are. That entire family just makes the world a better place.

I have never had to watch someone close to me die. I hope to God to never have to. But to me, just knowing how much that family loved and honored that funny, kind man makes me want to live my life as full as he did. Filled with love and family and laughter. His family is a tribute to what a wonderful life he lived.

Life is not always easy, but for me, it will always be good.

Today I will honor Clem. I will never take my family or friends or love for granted. I want all of them to know that I love and appreciate and cherish their faith and support. Because when the day is done and you look back, it's important to say, today I loved. Today I lived. Today is every day.

Good Morning

Your smile melts me. I am grilled cheese toast.

And thank God for Sunday. This has been a long long visit. Too long and not a good one ... at all. I don't know what caused so much lonliness, but it was probably feeling like I was in solitary confinement. I would so suck as a jailbird.

I am going to go home, eat my great Pappasitos salad, take a nice warm shower, change into some fresh jammies, and then sleep for days.

I want a manicure and pedicure like nobody's business.

I want a massage.

I want to clean up and wear makeup and go to a movie and hold someone's hand. Like a date.

I want to sleep and not have someone wake me up for my blood.

Someone recently reminded me that this is all temporary. This past week seemed to have made me forget that. But it's something I must not forget. There will be life after cancer. I know it. I know it. "Fight hard. Make me proud."

It's just so hard to see it when you deal with the big C every minute of every day. When you are constantly monitoring your status. How much meds to take. What you eat. How much fluids you take in and put out. What levels your counts are. It all feels so obsessive.

I miss using my body for just moving and being joyful. I miss working out and just taking a walk and dancing and just being. The freedom to move. It feels at times now like my body is the enemy and I have this need to nurture it right now. I feel beaten and like my body is broken. And that sucks. Because I feel joyful. I am glad to be alive. I'm glad to have my friends and see my family. I have so much time on my hands and I just want to play.

It will come. In time. I will just have to remind myself of that at least once a day.

Today your assignment is to move. To MOOOOOOVE! To feel joy and do something good for your body. To take a walk. To hike in the woods. To dance in the kitchen while making dinner. To sweat and workout and enjoy the movement. To be as childlike as possible and just move.

I will be there soon enough. I know it. Today I will move vicariously through you all.

I can do this.

When I Get Home

I'm going to eat.

I'm craving foods like a pregnant woman at an Atkins camp.

Carbs. It's all about the carbs. And some fat for good measure.

Since I have (thank Goodness) no nausea or vomiting or anything, I'm stuck on a pretty restrictive diet to keep the sugar levels low. Although with the steroids, at this point, I could eat dust and they still would be high.

So, in no particular order:

Honey Nut Cheerios
Pappasitos Grilled Steak Fajita salad with creamy avacado ranch dressing
Salt Grass Steak House - a filet and that good bread and honey butter
Chuys Pancho Nachos with extra jalepenos and guacamole
A Banana Split. With the good ice cream
Chocolate Cake
New York Cheesecake
A good apple
Apple pie or pie of any flavor
Shipley's doughnuts, but only the hot ones

I could go on and on. I think I'd have to inject an entire bottle of insulin if I ate anything on that list. I swear I want to eat like a teenage boy. If I was allowed, I would specifically work out for like two hours just so I could eat something on my list.

Now we all know why my ass, well she not so small. Even just thinking about anything on that list makes me gain weight.

And I got an email today from Deb V. Apparently they do have the internets in Sri Lanka, but I don't know if my ditch digger boy will have the access to the computer. Lets hope so. He's hella funny and pretty much knows how to keep the debu_frowns away.

Uno Mas

One more day in here.

I can handle that.

Especially now that my Starbucks cup is entirely emptied.

My friend's dad is still hanging in there, but is not doing too well. Not at all. It's so hard for me to see it, because I love that family and I hate this disease.

He's a great man and isn't deserving of this. I wish for a turn for the better for him and hope that he isn't suffering. Not one bit. I don't know if my prayers have found their way to the other side of the floor where he is, but I have been praying for him that he feels no pain and that he isn't too cognizant of his dire situation. Damn fever begone. I pray for him. I pray for his family so much. I cannot imagine watching a loved one go through this all.

Leukemia you suck ass. You really do.

Tidings aren't always so tidy

I am sitting in my room right now. Meloncholy is hitting pretty hard at the moment.

I had someone tell me the sweetest things, the most absolutely sweetest things to me, and they made me cry. I'm simply in awe and amazed and I just can't talk about it really. Like I just can't.

Then I get some email. From Sis #1's camera phone and it's picture mail. They are celebrating the birthday of Sis #2's youngest daughter. All the kids were making faces and she sent me their pictures. So sweet. So funny. And I'm missing it.

A picture of Zoe. Not showing her missing teeth - Captioned - Message from Zkat: "Hi Mommy."

I just burst into tears.

I want so much to be there. I want to see it all and be there, but it also hurts so much because I'm not. Zoe is reading. And getting so big and I'm missing it. I miss my neices and nephews like I do my own child. They are all so sweet and so funny. I want to see these things for myself, but when I do, it makes me sad. So what is worse? Not hearing anything or seeing it and temporarily living vicariously through what I hear? I'll take the tears and see the life go on around me.

And I found out I get discharged on Sunday, not tomorrow. I have two more drugs during this inpatient, and tonight's runs for 24 hours. I get an interthecal (yes.. inter.the.cal means in the damn spine) chemo on Tuesday after a long day of labs and a doctor's visit. Then I get a few days off and another round of chemo the Friday before Christmas Eve. Looks like I will be wearing a mask again or will be spending Christmas by myself as those days after are the most tiring and draining.

But I'm going to fight on. Because there are so many around me that fight too. This hospital is packed full of them. And I can do this. I must and I will.

So. We will have a post-Christmas party. And my life will be lived vicariously for a while longer. And it just basically is what it is.

Which right now is so fucking bittersweet it's amazing.

Yes Virginia

Dear Santa,

This year I'd like to not be in the hospital on Christmas. You think you could swing that for me?

It kind of would help had I not woke up as the Queen of the Phlegm this morning. I think I have a mighty nice chest cold a'brewin. Since so many people decided that it would be appropriate to come to work sick or visit cancer patients while sick, I'm sure that it was inevitable that some snot and disease would fling its way into my room.

I'd also like a Deluxe Purple Barbie with a Dayglo light and some cha cha heels.

Sincerely,
Debu_doesntwannabesick

P.S. I'd leave out some milk and cookies for you, but they would most certainly be covered with bacteria by morning. I'm leaving you a mask and gloves and a Boost shake instead. I think that damn Rudolph is the carrier of germs. Have you seen that red nose on him? Give the dude some Zicam.

Yes, Virginia, I am getting sick. I sneezed most of the day yesterday and woke up with chest pain and some major phlegm action going on (I always want to spell that flem). How lovely is that? I am the too too sexy - er... not! (Although when I talk, I do sound sort of like Demi Moore)

I don't have a fever.
I don't have a fever.
I don't have a fever.

And I don't want to get one. I didn't even realize that Christmas was so close. Someone I really wanted to see next week will be leaving the country on Tuesday to go help do good deeds with a church, and it just kind of made time stand still. I'm happy for him that he is going to go do the good deed as it's good for the soul, but sad because he's funny and makes me laugh every day, which is good for my soul. Do they have the internets in Sri Lanka?

I haven't finished my Christmas cards yet either. You'd think I could accomplish this as I have nothing but time on my hands, but I'm getting a wee bit of chemo brain and kept misspelling words like Merry and Christmas.

[aside] Can you tell I am overdue for my Starbucks run? It is showing in my random writing this morning. Either that or the sleeping pill I took last night hasn't worn off. I woke up with some damn drool on my face - that's how knocked out I was. And yay for Princey, my kickass night nurse. She has been keeping the trash taker outers and 3am weighers out of my room for me. So sleep from 12am - 5am has been on like Donkey Kong

I am feeling pretty decent except for the new cold that is presenting itself. I am afraid of what it could probably manifest itself into, but will hope for the best. I wish they had done something yesterday when I said... hey, I think I'm getting sick. But then again, hey, I have leukemia, so I guess they didn't quite get it because I already am sick. *note to self* be more specific next time.

I am scheduled to be discharged on Saturday, and wonder if I have a cold or whatever if that still will be happening. My chest really hurts so that is not a good sign. Maybe they have some tricks around this place to get rid of this crap. You'd think they'd have it down to a science or something.

Speaking of crap, I'm going to end this, and go get my latte. Some things just can't wait.

I believe in Santa
I believe in healing
I believe in sunshine
I believe in Starbucks
I believe I can kick this cancer's ass

Le *sigh*

They decorated my door with a Christmas tree. It looks festive and it's nice to keep it open and look at it. Not quite as nice as my apartment and all the lights and my little Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but it will do.

Reminders of normalcy.

I don't know what is in store for my holidays. If history is to repeat itself, then I might end up back in this damn hospital with a fever by then. (or will be feeling like total shit)

Everyone everywhere is sick. I see people sneezing, coughing, sniffing, even at the hospital where they are supposed to stay home. I've become quite the OCD about germs now as I really don't want to have to be in the hospital more than absolutely necessary.

I think companies have shit sick leave policies so people come spread their germy joy because they most times may not have an option to stay home.

I miss my daughter. I really do. I miss someone else. I really do. I miss both my sunshines.

I miss Christmas shopping and while I know people understand that they will not be getting a gift this year, it makes me sad not to be able to do that for them. I love to shop for others. I love the holidays. I barely know they exist this year.

It's been a trying past few days. My friend's dad is hanging in there, but he's having a difficult time with some bad side effects. It's so hard to watch a loved one deal with that. I hope that none of my family ever have to see me like that. If I have my way, they won't ever have to. I am going to fight for my friend's dad. For his lovely family. Whatever happens to him, I'm not going to let this get me. Fuck you, leukemia, with a capital F and an exclamation point!

I have had some invasive tests done in the past few days, and the lack of sleep is catching up a bit. And the food. Well it's starting to not look so good.

The diet nobody wants.

Is it the holidays coming or is it the chemo that is making me blue?

I have deleted more paragraphs than I should on this post. Since that is the case, I think this will be the end.

Tonight I'm going to watch Kill Bill. I have more fighting to do, and maybe it will kill the damn meloncholy as well.

I can do this. I just wish it weren't so boring.

Runnin

This girl from one of my forums is running a freaking half marathon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

If you donate more than $25 it is tax deductible.

I know that people are experiencing givers drought, but if you got a wee bit of fundage, Nix would love to be near her goal of $3,000.

http://www.active.com/donations/fundraise_public.cfm?key=NBouchier

"Please, if you can, help my cause. These people have embraced me and pushed me when I thought I couldn't go any farther."

Spread the word. She's a peach! People (and I now know a few) who run for those of us who aren't able to. Amazing to me!

Quel Horror

4:25am

They came in to weigh me.

No lie.

Um. I promise I haven't been snacking all night since you weighed me after dinner last night at 8pm.

But then I dragged my two hour sleep deprived self down to Starbucks. (and no damnit, they don't take Starbuck gift cards).

Iced venti non-fat latte.

Nectar of the gods and uber mojo juice to warriors like moi.

I can do this, I'll just need a nap.

The drip and the drip and the

I'm sleepy.

These drugs are starting to take hold of me and make me steely. I'm overly sensitive to how my body is reacting and feel the drip drip into me. I imagine reactions that aren't there. I feel things that aren't happening. And as I hear the tick tick of the drips, and the click of the monitor, I feel a sense of dread. I dread the nights here.

I know that the chemo is going to make me well. I know it. I feel it, yet I'm still scared and lonely and trying to be brave. Because I know it will come as close to killing me as it can.

I'm in my room. It's a nice room on a different floor. No granny can - yay! I'm listening to The Best of Sting and the Police. But I'm still sad tonight. Sad and random.

A family friend's father is here. On my floor. He's not well and has some infection with a high fever. He's 74 and is fighting, but his fight is nearly done. They said earlier today that he would be lucky to make it through the night. My friend was blinking tears when she told me. I want to be brave for them. I want to fight this for them because if this fucking disease can take such a spirited and beloved man as he, I want to beat it down. I don't want it to end me. I want to hate it and kill it.

His entire family came to see him. This loved man. This sweet, kind, gentle man has what I have. A sinister evil lurking. His fever went down, but his spirit is tired. He has been fighting this for a while, and finally said he didn't want any more chemo. He has a DNR on his file. D.N.R. Too soon. Too soon I say.

Drip. Click. Drip. Click.

I have cried this week. I have seen some of my loved ones cry this week. I have seen my friends cry this week, and it's been difficult. I want to be brave. But my spirit is tired too. My warrior is feeling tired. Not yet defeated, but just outright tired.

My sweet mother has been taking care of me. We had a never-ending day at the labs this morning and she patiently waited for nearly eight hours. She was in the waiting room and I was in the back waiting on the doctor and the admission papers. I wanted her there. I felt so vunerable and missed her. When I got admitted, we pulled up the car and got my luggage. Mom was only able to drop it off, and then she had to leave. I held back the tears and wanted to hug her longer. And then hug her again. I was scared. I am scared.

Drip. Drip. Click.

I want to be in my bed tonight. Not here with the clicks and the beeps and the constant dripping from bag after bag of poison.

My friends and family give me strength. Their words give me power. I have to overcome and push through the fear and conquer it. To keep looking forward. To be focused and remember the many many reasons why I need to fight. I just feel so all alone. Alone with the machine.

I know I can do this. I just need to tune out the drip.

"I will be thinking about you today. I am blessed more than you can imagine because I know you."

These words made me smile today. These powerful and sweet words. This is part of why I know I will beat this. And then go on to live and love and laugh again.

Sunshine.

Some Days

It's good to get some extra sleep.

I had a good night last night. I had a great dinner with Sis #1 and her family and in-laws. Mom made an incredible dinner and we had a good time talking - like normal people. Later, in the dark, I chatted on the phone with a very sweet boy who calmed me down and assured me everything would be all right.

Nights before admission to the hospital make me nervous. I was all buzzing about, packing my suitcase, and nervous. And then I got a lovely phone call.

If everything is in place, I go in for Round three today. Armed with my DVD of Kill Bill 1 and the soundtrack, I know I will kick some ass. I'm still nervous, but I know that I will be strong.

I can do this. I may have overslept a bit, but I can do this.

Peace to you all today.

Your assignment is to enjoy your day. Smile when you don't feel like it. Be brave when you are scared. Forgive easily and set your mind that today will be a great day.

Fake it 'til you make it.

Why I Love My Family

From Sis #2:

Good lord,sister, if you want a hobby or something to occupy your time, like scrapbooking or just even putting photos in albums, I have about 8 years of picture sitting in boxes and on my computer and camera that I would love to be taken care of. Pictures of my kids are about the last thing I ever have time to deal with.

Merry Christmas?

Nuff said. They are ginourmously amazing and I love all of them. Especially when they make me snort when I laugh.

I love you too, and yes, it will be a Merry Christmas! With an exclamation point!!

Eggrevated

"Today was a very trying day. I let someone upset me when I shouldn't have. I watched helplessly this morning something that made me very sad. I didn't get to talk to two people I absolutely wanted to. I sadly unpacked four years of belongings from my office. And I mourned over my old life while sitting in my apartment.

I miss Zoe tonight. I'm going to go to bed and call this one a wash."

I wrote that last night and wasn't going to publish it. After all, I'm not allowed to have bad days. Right? Right?

Well that's how it feels. I try so hard to remain positive, but then there are days that just simply overwhelm me. There are days that it is too much, and I can't remain patient with others. I feel like I'm dealing with some serious issues, and when I hear people bitch about the little things, I just feel like I want to punch them in the face. It's like being around uber perky Katie Couric 24/7 and she's debating the merits of pointy shoes versus squared toes.

You spent 20 minutes trying to find a parking space? Christmas shopping at the mall is so crowded?

Know what, I'd like to simply be able to drive. And go to the grocery store without being out of breath or having the threat of germs that might end up making me terribly sick. Possibly kill me.

Boy, it must suck so hard to be hungover.

Gee, I had a spinal tap and had radioactive chemicals inserted into my spine today. I'm going to have a headach that lasts for two weeks, and no amount of Darvon will make it go away.

That's pretty much a typical day for me. I know that no matter what your problems are, they always seem to loom large. But there are days that I just have no sympathy.

In the span of less than a month, I did my will, my living will, my divorce, my power of attorney, my medical directives, found a guardian for Zoe, learned I had cancer, realized I won't see my child regularly, heard I won't be able to work for a year or more, found out I have a chromosome anomaly and will need a bone marrow transplant, contacted friends and family with my diagnosis, started chemo, was hospitalized several times for fever, lost my hair, lost my independence.... and shit. Here I am bitching about the little things.

I think I'm just cranky.

It's so easy to become self involved with this disease. It encompasses your entire life, your every waking moment. Everything you do is an ordeal. Things you easily did before somehow now are near impossible. Things that you took for granted before now become lifelines. When you face death, it causes you to become selfish of your time and your life. Your priorities are shuffled on a daily basis. How can I figure out how to not bleed to death today?

I wish I had some project or a hobby to reoccupy me. To refocus outwardly instead of constant self-absorbtion. It's annoying. I often have "chemo brain" and can't focus on things as easily as I did before. I'd love to take up the trendy knitting thing, but it doesn't seem like something you can just pick right up. Or I wish I could adopt a family for the holidays, but that's a huge undertaking and I would hate to not have the follow through. I want to get out of my head. And get away from this disease for a while.

Just like I think sometimes people's problems are pretty minor, my problems are minor in comparison to some.

There is always someone worse off than you. And I try to remind myself of that every day. I could have been dead. My cancer could be terminal. I could be starving in Africa. I could have been horribly disfigured or incapacitated. (Hey, even Katie Couric has horrific days - her husband died for God's sake - young, too early, from cancer.)

And those people who are in worse situations than I am, do they feel the same as me? Do they think, gosh, I'm paralyzed from the neck down, but at least I'm not dead.

[aside] I'm thinking death is the ultimate in the suck of problems here.

I honestly think I need to be less judgmental. That if my friend has a hard time shopping at the mall, I should be sympathetic and just let it slide instead of having that little voice in my head tell me I should be rolling my eyes at that point.

But how do you have a complete paradigm shift in your thinking? How can you evolve past the voices in your head that tell you someone is a complete tool? Or is it just me?

I think this is going to be yet another quest I have in my life. To be less selfish and uncaring. To get out of my head and stop judging.

I'm sure I can do that.

Which leads into today's assignment:

I want you all to not complain or even think about any complaints today. I want you to think about someone else in a worse situation and become an extension of goodness and kindness today (and hopefully past today). I want you all to do something completely unselfish just because you can. To contemplate your life and to be grateful for what you have, and to do something kind for someone who needs a break today.

Your boss an asshole? Buy them a small gift and leave it anonymously on their desk. Friend complaining about her jackhole boyfriend again, give her a big hug instead of an earful of the same advice. Buy some canned goods and drop them in the red barrel for the food pantry, or buy a little extra gift for the gift tree for the poor.

I used to pass this horribly dirty homeless woman nearly every day coming out of the parking lot at work. She was fairly obviously mentally ill. There were so many days where I just wanted to buy her a real meal for lunch - not McDonalds, but maybe a nice Boston Market-type chicken lunch or something I made at home. Or give her my extra coat that just sits in the back of my closet.
I never did. But today might have been a day that I did something like that.

There is always someone worse off than you. Be kind to that person today. Get out of your head today. Just because you can.

If you don't decorate...

you don't realize Christmas is near.

I had a fun time last night. I actually got in around 1:00am. (woah!) But at least I didn't wake up at the crack of crack. It's 8:23am instead of 4:30am, thank goodness.

It's cold, but I love it. I love this time of year. Everyone dresses up and they wear winter coats and bejeweled clothing. Much more formal than to see skin and too tight summer outfits. Winter is decidely more elegant.

[aside] I have realized that I need more hats. The striped one I was going to wear is much too summery, so I wore my winter hat outside and my baseball hat inside. For a while. Then I braved it up and took it off. But I don't know what hats go well with dangly earrings. I've decided if it's warm enough, I'm going to rock out with my block out, but still, hats are so cute. Scarves still make me look quite piratey looking. Like I should have an eyepatch and a parrot.

I wore the superfantastic earrings my Bro #2 gave me. They are red and dangly and sparkly - especially next to the bald noggin. I also had on my lovely blouse from Loehmans and some jeweled open-toed sandals. Not the most appropriate footwear, but my heels are at casa_debu along with any other practical or good looking shoes. And damnit I miss my heels.

My friends were just like I remembered. An ecclectic group whose laughter and love filled the house. All the friendly faces were uplifting to see, and it felt good to show them that my smile is still bright, my humor intact, and I'm not at death's door.

Paige's house is fully loaded with Chrismas decorations, and combined with the wintery weather, it reminded me that the holidays are nearly upon us.

I think I did shock people. I saw so many whom I hadn't seen in a long time. I said before, people are so used to seeing the chronically ill looking so horrible, that it is stunning to see an amazon like me. (Although I did turn into a pumpkin at midnight, but I left with my shoes firmly on my feet).

Illness is so much harder on your loved ones that it is on you. I know exactly how I'm feeling, and the majority of the time it's strong. I know that I'm fighting. I know that I have a pretty positive outlook. I don't feel like I'm going to die. But others don't know that.

With cancer especially, it's frightening to those around you. Even the word conjures up such a horrid response. Cancer = death sentence to most. Every person I know has been touched by it in some way. And most everyone I know has known of someone that died of the disease.

I have been blessed by generosity and the kindness of strangers and loved ones. But most of them have actually written to say things like, "my husband died of leukemia," or "my sister died of colon cancer." Even my own beloved Grandmother died of breast cancer when I was about ten, and both my parents have had it. (and both of them kicked its ass - so you can see where I get it from) The Bitch knows no boundaries.

When I was first diagnosed, I parked my worries on God's shoulders. I couldn't deal with it in any way, shape, or form. Any fears I had were aleviated by my family, especially Sis #1 and #2. My first thoughts were of my Zoe, and my second were my finances and my job. All of which they told me to not worry about, that they would get it taken care of. For me - I just needed to focus on healing.

But when you are sick, I can tell them, "don't worry, I'm kicking it's ass," but they see the effects the disease has on me. They see the giant bag of drugs I take around, my hair falling out is a constant reminder, the tiredness, and sometimes the pain. Treatment after treatment and all the appointments, (well they often make me worry - more wonder than worry), but then I just turn around and kick the snot out of this damned Dracula Blood.

Such is the nature of relationships I believe. You worry about the people you love. It's upsetting when they are ill, and often devastating when they are seriously or chronically ill. You want to absorb their pain and take it all away from them. I used to get in "trouble" for missing work at my office when Zoe was sick (trouble being the guilt I felt moreso than any actual trouble). But what they didn't understand is that I'd much rather be at work than to see my child sick.

It's painful when you can't do anything about someone's illness. Suffering is agonizing to watch. Which is why this disease is so hard for me, because everyone else is doing the watching. I feel pretty damn well so far. And all I want to do is to take away *their* pain.

This is one reason why I'm determined to restart my fitness challenge. I had started the Body for Life challenge last summer and I know that one day I will do that again. It's not an option, it's a fact.

I read the book, Body for Life for Women by Dr. Pamela Peeke, and she says that so many women (and gosh, men do it too) don't take care of themselves because they are too busy nurturing others.

The point of doing the challenge is that you are no good to anyone else unless you take care of yourself. To love yourself and be as concerned about your own physical and mental well being as you would of that of a loved one.

It's something so few of us do, and I honestly believe I got this far into manifestating my health into cancer because I just didn't listen to my body. I pushed it and expected it to perform miracles when my immune system was screaming out for me to listen.

How many of you have done this? Yeah. I thought so.

This illness has made me reprioritize my health. To listen to my body. To eat when I need to, to sleep when I'm tired, to slow down if I'm weak, and to give in and let others help me if necessary. If that's the only good thing that will come of this, it's enough. It's that important, and it should be. Zoe needs me to be here but it's just as important for me to need me to be here. So I can take care of her as well. For a long time.

I can do this. Caffeine this morning has completely helped, but I know I can do this.

And, peoples, so can you:

Today (and beyond today) your assignment is to do something completely healthy for yourself. I'm throwing down the gauntlet and challenging you all:

If you can't get a workout in, commit to trying to make this part of your regular schedule. Any kind of workout. Even if it doesn't seem like much, just move. Stretch. Be physical (check out the President's Fitness Challenge if you need some incentive. They give you points for stuff like stretching, walking, and housekeeping, and it's a great way to keep track and be accountable! )

It's a necessity, not something you do when you can make time - because no one can "make" any more time, and if that's your approach, you won't do it. I also want you to commit to eating better. I know it's the holiday season, but unless it's the best damn dessert of all time, the calories are so not even worth it. Cut out the junk food and keep the fast foods to a minimum.

If you don't love yourself enough to put your health in the same light as you do that of your loved ones, then you need to figure out why you are living like that.

You can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. Just do it. Do it for the Debster, then do it for yourself and those that love you.

And then report back to me. I want you to be around long enough to celebrate my fifty years freedom from cancer.

Today please say some prayers for my Sis #2. She's up to her ears in sick kids and she's finally come down with something herself. It's hard to get well when you are sick and you are also the caretaker. She's the extension of me for Zoe, and she needs to get well and get some sleep. Again, see, it's hard to watch someone you love deal with illness. I feel very helpless and if I weren't about to be hospitalized, I would try to get in there and relieve her burden. I love that woman and want her and her family to get better soon. Right now, all I can send is some cyber chicken soup. Hugs to my sis!

I'm Gonna Wear Glitter. On my Head

Tonight I'm going to a party. My first sort of outing with real people and real friends since my diagnosis. I need this.

I'm up too early this morning - 4:30. It's Saturday and I should have slept in. But that is what happens when you go to bed around 7:30. I passed out while watching Secondhand Lions with my mom.

*note to self* take a nap today.

I'm nervous, but really excited to see my friends. I know they all probably think I look like some whithered cancer patient - pale, dark circles under the eyes, and thin, but I'm not. I'm an amazon. Yes, I've lost some weight, but on my 5' 10 frame, it's hard to notice. I have coloring in my cheeks. I look the same, but have no hair. I feel like a warrior. I feel strong.

Cancer does not discriminate. I have seen people at the end of the line as well as newbies like me who have just begun treatment. Most are thin, weak, and look very ill, but then there are a few like me with some spark and a feisty spirit.

Yesterday I had labwork and a meeting with my PA. When I go to my appointments, I always make a point of dressing up. I fight this. I don't want to go in looking weak. Even when my counts are low, and I have to wear a mask and gloves, I always make sure I have my coolest earrings on, a fantastic blouse, my great jeans, and I try to look like I feel well, even when I don't. I even wear perfume.

Some days I think I'm a beacon of hope for people. This amazon-looking bald woman, tall and striding through the waiting room, smiling and laughing. Yesterday was one of those days. This other patient, Nick, told me that I was one sexy bald chick. That made my day. Especially because I felt like one.

I chatted with a few patients that I have met. I'm between chemo, so I feel really strong and look well. I think that if I weren't bald, you wouldn't even know I was sick.

After my diagnosis, my friends and family all rallyed. I think it was their positive energy and strength that started me on my cancer ass kicking quest. When the hemotologist came in after my very first bone marrow biopsy (at the regional hospital - not MDA), I had three of my best friends and Sis #1 in the room with me. It was like the coalition of strong, badass chicks, and I knew that it would eventually be ok. Like they formed some uber protective circle around me, and that I was safe from harm. This coven of women, the strongest I know, cast this powerful spell on me.

I try to remain badass even on the worst of days. I often wonder if this strength will dissipate in time. If I will give in to the leukemia and stop trying to be strong. I wonder if I will lose this ability like some superhero who has fallen.

As I approach my third round of chemo, I try to focus on the word round instead of 'third' or 'chemo.' Like a fighter going into a fight. I wonder if the effects of this toxic stuff will start to accumulate in my system and will make me weaker. I want to fight the weakness and side effects with everything that I have.

Right now I feel like I should be working out. Like I should be in training and lifting weights. Although I can do some exercise, I'm not allowed to overdo it and can't get the CVC bandage wet. Yet I still hear the soundtrack to my life in my head and all of it says, fight this fucking disease with every ounce of strength you have. Run like Rocky. Kick ass like Uma. Don't give in to it and fight back like GI Jane.

I can't give up. I can't.

There are many days that I just want to be weak. That I want to be one of those patients who sit in the wheelchair, all snugged up in the sweatpants, hiding under a hat or a wig. To feel the dispair and hopelessness and just say, "ok, I'm done with being strong for today." To feel vunerable and cry and cry and cry. And mourn for my losses.

But then I think of my protective circle of friends, and my family, and my Zoe, and the entire God Squad praying for me (and even you all. Especially now you all). I know that I can't give up. That I fight for them as much as I fight for me. There are too many people guarding me and praying for me to let them down. To let me down.

Zoe's name is Greek for "full of life" or "life giving." I never knew that when I named her that I'd once be fighting for my life. That she is my beacon of hope and the reason I have for living, for not giving up and giving in.

On the darkest of dark dark days, I reach out to my friends and family. I focus and fight. And then fight harder.

I can do this.

Your assignment for today is to be strong. To do something you have never done, would have never done before, or will never do again. Even if you are afraid, I still want you to do it. It doesn't have to be anything major, but I want you to hold your head up and fight your fear. If you've never been able to go to a restaurant or movie or a gym alone, I want you to go in there like the badass you are, and pretend like you do that all the time and that it's no big deal. If there is something new you've wanted to try before, or a class you've been thinking of taking, I want you to just f*cking do it. You'd be amazed what happens when you gather your strength, and you'll be glad you did. You can do this.

Deliberate

I have been wondering lately if other cancer survivors (or those living with cancer) think of their lives in terms of 'before' and 'after?'

[aside] And holy shit, I have cancer. That is still so weird to me.

I used to acknowledge my life that way when I herniated the two discs in my lower spine. Before I was injured and after. Before I could move furniture if I wanted, support myself and Zoe, work out until I was near dead, and the simply lovely task of holding my child in my arms.

Then there was after. Living on vicodan. Waking up like Nick Nolte in North Dallas Forty (sans the marijuana and beer). Feeling useless. Physical therapy and missing work and constant pain. Explaining to Zoe why I couldn't carry her anymore. "Mommy's ouchie back." Every move I made was a deliberate act so as not to re-injure myself.

Now I have a whole new set of terms.

Before I had some fatigue, diabetes meds, yet I had freedom and independence. I worked. I was an earner. Every two weeks I saw that deposit in my bank account. I had a social life - meeting friends for dinner or a movie or a party. The possiblity of an actual date with an actual boy. I took care of my child and loved her and nurtured her. I could just stare at her sleeping in awesome amazement. I was mommy and I was there for her.

Now I feel like a child. I can't drive. I need naps. I don't sleep enough. I carry around a huge ziploc bag of meds - anti-this' and anti-thats. I rarely see my friends, and need to avoid crowds/germs/kids. I have multiple hospital visits every week. And I'm OCD about getting sick or coming down with another fever. I can't think about working. And just when I start to feel normal again, I get this wave of tiredness that wipes me out. Everything hinges on those changing blood counts. And I'm bald. I'm BALD. I can't imagine going on an actual date (what, is my mom going to drive me?), and I can't imagine being near an actual dude.

I feel so out of touch with my child. I know she misses me, but I know I miss her more. I hate it that I'm missing her learning to read. Hate. That. I hate not seeing her work that she brings home from school. She's sick, I can't be there to comfort her. I miss brushing her hair and seeing her laugh. Taking her places and playing with her. I miss picking out her clothes for school and seeing how proud she is to accomplish her schoolwork. I feel like I'm missing out on so much of her life, yet I know that it's not forever.

Kids are resilient. She will be just fine. She's doing well. Buy her a goldfish. It's harder on you than it is on her. She's so lucky to have playmates and siblings and it's good for her to learn to share. Blahzeblah. And a blah blah.

But I'm not there. No matter how resilient she is, it won't change that fact. And God is the only one that knows if I will be there to see the rest of her life. I could be the strongest, most kicking ass cancer patient ever and yet, let's face it, I still might die.

It's so hard for me because at this time all I want to do is be with my child, yet that's one of the last things I'm able to do. I'm scared. I'm lonely. And all I want to do is see her face. To know, for a fact, not secondhand info, that she really is ok. And the only way to know this isn't seeing her once a week for a few hours, but to be there for her. To be her mommy, in person, again.

This after just sucks it. I want it to be over. There is no physical therapy for this kind of pain. And I don't like to talk about it, but it's just not going away.

I know I can do this, but it still fucking hurts.

And this, folks, is what my mom would call piling shit on my head. Must. Snap. Out of it! There is no crying in baseball.

News Again?

Ok, I have this thing down pat.

Go to bed early. Wake up early.
Stay up late. Wake up early.

Regardless, some mornings there is no amount of coffee.

Brrrr Rabbiter

Every morning I wake up early. It's way cold today and I love it. I try really hard to get back to sleep, but it just doesn't work. My body tells me, you are lucky to be alive today so get your ass out of bed.

I feel so normal, yet I know I'm not. I forget I'm bald until I realize how cold my head is or when I catch a glance in the mirror. I forget I'm sick until it's time, again, to take the handfuls of pills.

I wonder if I will ever be normal again. I've been flirting with this really cute Austin Boy on IM. He's perfectly adorable and knows I have leukemia, yet still is uber flirty, like I am a regular girl. It *feels* normal, yet I know it's not.

Yesterday my mom said, "when you get married again..." like that is just a given. Some days I think like that, but most, usually when I'm doing the heparin flush on my central line, or I see my bald head, or figuring out my meds for the day, I think this will never end.

I feel broken, like a repaired teacup. You still can drink out of it, but if you had to serve someone from a cup, you'd not offer up the repaired one first. I feel like if anyone ever wanted me again, I'd be like the consolation prize.

Some days I feel strong. The warrior. And I know that my mantra has always been "it's not where you are in life, but who you are in life." I've told that to others when they are down, and now I have to remind myself of that. This is just temporary. This isn't forever. But if that is the case, then why does it feel like that? Why does it feel like forever? And do most cancer survivors feel that way? When does that feeling end?

Yesterday someone marveled at my strength and my attitude. I told her that it was be strong or be scared shitless. She told me that I chose to be strong and that it was a choice. I'm not so sure if it is a choice. Some days I feel like I'm wavering on the edge. I'll be fine and then sometimes I just burst into tears. Not for a long cry, but just for a few minutes. I cry for my normalcy. I cry because I don't feel strong. I cry because I just want my life back. My job back. My apartment back. And mostly my child back.

I miss normalcy. Alot.

But then I pull myself together and think that if I waver in my strength, all that is left is the fear. And that is just not acceptable. Not. Acceptable. The fear will kill me. And stop me from what I need to do.

Which is simply to head back to normal. Or as I like to view it, to head forward to normal. Starting with today. Just today.

Today, appropriately, they are re-opening Emeril's restaurant in New Orleans. I root for New Orleans and the people there. Some say, don't rebuild, don't reopen, you are stupid for living in a timebomb. But that's how I feel. Some people, no matter the obstacles, think New Orleans has a charm and uniqueness that must be restored. Vegas is slick and new, but New Orleans has history and strength. Even moreso now.

There are some people that prefer the chipped cup. The familiar, the sweet, the comfortable. Something that has character and has withstood some adversity and yet stayed strong and purposeful.

I may feel broken, but I am unique. I value that. And there is someone, somewhere, someday, that will value that too.

I can do this.

Today your assignment is to value something that you never would have before. A favorite article of clothing you had long since written off, yet is still lovely and sentimental. Send a letter, a real letter, to someone that might need it, someone you have been overlooking. Enjoy the things that you take for granted, because you never know when those things might be gone someday. Hug someone one extra time today. And let them know you appreciate them.

Today is the Day to Pray

It's always the squeamish one

My brother, Bro #1, the one who was here taking care of me is so far at the intermediate level for my bone marrow match.

The BMT Coordinator is pretty dang sure that he is going to be my match. I will know 100% in 3-4 days.

Pray that he is. One out of six. And he's the squeamish one.

Prayers, well wishes, are all welcome today and until I know for sure. I'm scared but this makes me have goosebumps! I'm giddy, excited, crying, freaking out, amazed, all rolled into one. My heart feels like it is going to explode.

Merry Christmas to me.

Now my brother said I have to be his slave. Since he saw it on the Brady Bunch and everything.

Memememe - Ten to One

Some mornings I have a lot to say. This really isn't one of them.

Except for a most kind thanks to Christine from Blogomania. Turns out that Christmas has come early to The Debutaunt. I've been hosting this site over at Blogo for a while, and come to find out that Christine is an old family friend from like way back in the 80's. She had been reading up on my Dracula Blood and was getting the word out to donate blood. Then looking at the picture of me with hair, she realized that Deb is *that* Deb, and that she knows us and me and ... how's that for it's a small world?

She and Sis #2 were really good friends, and I even took the teens to Sixth Street in Austin once upon a time. My family moved away from Houston after that, kids go off to college, so everyone kind of loses touch. But wow!

So the evercool Christine has decided that Debutaunt will be hosted gratis. This world is good. It really is.

Merry Christmas with a whip I say! Thanks, chica!

Ok, so when I have little to say, I steal Meme's from other's blogs. This one has made the rounds. I snatched it from the awesome Ms. Pants.

TEN random things you might not know about me
1.- I lived in Alaska when I was younger
2.- I am a girly girl but don't dress the part
3.- I watch bad tv - reality shows, MTV, Cheaters, Top Model, etc.
4.- My favorite time of day is morning; favorite foods are breakfast
5.- I wish I were a teacher
6.- I have fantastic taste; just not fantastic loads of money
7.- My favorite city is Austin, Texas
8.- My lasagna brings all the boys to the yard
9.- I like my coffee light n sweet - with half n half till it's carmel colored
10.- I'm going to be a real writer some day

NINE places I've visited (I'm boring)
1.- Mexico (bachelorette party, def. not boring)
2.- Tahoe (business trip for a Superbowl party)
3.- New Mexico (to see boys with Ibis)
4.- Tampa (biz)
5.- Chicago (biz - one of my fav. towns though)
6.- Hawaii (when I was too young to appreciate it)
7.- Manhattan (fun)
8.- Kingston, NY (to meet my in-laws)
9.- A milliondy US towns driving each summer with my family

EIGHT ways to win my heart
1.- Make me really laugh. Like REALLY
2.- Smile. Often.
3.- Bring me something you made specifically for me.
4.- Don't be a jerk. And then don't be a jerk
5.- Know your world. And be a good human
6.- Be metro, but manly too, clever helps
7.- Think like a child, but don't act like one
8.- Kiss me like you mean it

SEVEN things I want to do before I die (no particular order)
1.- Go to Europe
2.- Take Zoe to Disneyworldlandworld, whichever
3.- Get married again
4.- Go back to Hawaii
5.- Meet Lenny Kravitz and Uma Thurman
6.- Dine with Ellen Gilchrist
7.- Have a reunion with my entire extended family

SIX things I'm afraid of
1.- The bone marrow transplant
2.- The dark
3.- Snakes
4.- My teeth falling out
5.- Child abductions
6.- Car wrecks

FIVE things I don't like
1.- Station wagons with fake wood paneling
2.- Fried eggs
3.- Perverts
4.- Racism
5.- Throwing up for any reason

FOUR ways to turn me off
1.- Be rude to waitstaff
2.- Be sexually graphic when I don't know you
3.- Sloppy drunks
4.- Drop the N bomb like a redneck

THREE things I do every day
1.- Drink coffee
2.- Think of Zoe
3.- Take 239403 meds

TWO things that make me happy
1.- Zoe
2.- Waking up alive and so very blessed

ONE thing on my mind right now
1.- Kerby Lane Gingerbread Pancakes

Debate

Is a four hour nap really considered a nap or is it part of your night time sleep? Because I think I just got caught up.

My man Dick Cheney is in town tonight. Wonder if he would meet me for ice cream at Marble Slab later.

Did you know that my blood type will change after my bone marrow transplant? I'm O+, but will become whatever type my donor is. So, if the person that donates dresses like a punk rocker, I wonder if people would freak out if I totally started dressing differently after my bone marrow transplant? Or a cowgirl, or all slutty?

Do all carpenters have to show body parts we'd rather not see. I met one today who needed ..um.. a longer shirt.

If you are hungry, but don't know what you want to eat, what do you eat?

If you ask stupid questions, should anyone answer you?

Really, I want to meet Dick Cheney.

Why Is It

That the morning comes so quickly?

I wanted to sleep more, but have an 8:15 appointment at the hospital to get some bloodwork done.

Welcome to my world.

I dreamt last night that I was in a "safe house" with my ex boyfriend, the surgeon, who wanted me there to protect me from all these treatments. He said I needed to be in a different house. He said the treatments were toxic and my body was becoming radioactive.

Which isn't surprising because I've been a bit anxious. My family has been talking about finding me a two bedroom apartment closer to the med center. Or possibly finding me some type of assisted living center. Before any of this, I could barely afford my one bedroom. Now that I have no income, I can't imagine a two bedroom.

I hate to move, but I'm not going to think about it right now. Not yet. Not anymore.

This coffee is good. That's all that matters right now. Just a cup.

I can do this.

The Day after The Day

Ok. So it's the hormones. It's got to be.

When you have leukemia, they don't want you to bleed. No bloody noses, you can't get gingivitis and have bleeding gums, you cut your finger, that blood better stop. So guess what? They want to put your periods on hiatus - yes, we are going to talk a wee bit about that today, so sorry if it's a TMI thing.

So how do you do this? Well you basically stay on the birth control pill 24/7 and don't take that "off" week. You just take the active pills. Except, some of us have bodies that don't want to cooperate. So some of us started to get our periods and have some spotting and cramping stuff going on.

So? What to do?

The nurse said to take more than one pill a day. Sounds easy. Except it makes you weepy. Like big time weepy. Like stupid girly weepy. I was doing up to three pills a day yesterday. Because if I get my period, I get hospitalized and get transfused again. Bleh. Oh hell no. So yesterday I was all a'boo hooin'.

Uma doesn't boo hoo. Neither does GI Jane. She just shaves her head and goes and kicks some more Navy Seal ass. I can't be doing that.

Today I feel good. Better. Stronger. Coffee. Extra sleep. And a day prior that ended up being normal. Or at least more normal than what I've been having.

My bro dragged me out to a movie. My counts are higher so I'm less likely to catch an infection, but still practically bathe in Purell antibiotic gel.

I watched 'Walk the Line' and it made me want to listen to Johnny Cash's music, which I guess is like what the movie 'Ray' was. I ate movie theater popcorn and a few Twizzlers and a Diet Coke. Live dangerously I say.

Sis #2 got a well-deserved break yesterday, and the lovely D1 (me goodgirlfriend) Zoenapped Zoe and took her to go see Santa and have a spendy-the-night party with her and her six year old, kiddo, the adorable ELM. The bubble picture is from D1's jacuzzi tub where the girls filled it way up with bubbles - what a blast.

We had talked about maybe meeting up for dinner, but I was a bit hesitant and tired. I was worried that it might freak Zoe out that I can't see her, yet show up at a restaurant, only to say goodbye after dinner. Not enough one on one time.

So Sis #1 decided to throw a little shindig after the UT Massacre (woo!) at casa_Sis #1. We all showed up - me, Bro #1, Sis #3 (who was in town too for the game) and D1 and the littles. Zoe was so surprised and happy to see me. We had pizza and watched the USC game (and I can't wait for the Rosebowl game - I sure hope I feel better for that). Zoe sat in my lap a lot and was kind of sleepy and snuggly.

It felt normal and I was so relaxed. I love hanging at Sis #1's house. It reminds me of my former life. Weekends with my sis and bro in law. Kiddos screaming and running around. Hanging out in the living room and talking about all kinds of stuff. A house full of love and laughs.

I know those days aren't gone, and will happen again. I know it. It's what keeps me going. Those days and the sparkle in my Zoe's eyes.

I can do this. There are many reasons for me to do this.

It's That Day

I miss my Zoe
I miss my Zoe
I miss my Zoe
I miss my Zoe
I miss my Zoe
I miss my Zoe
I miss my Zoe
..........

As if writing it 100 times will make it go away. I can't even see the screen for the stupid tears in my eyes.

I can do this.

What's That Sound

Why, it's the sound of my little coffee maker at 5am brewing my yummy Swiss Chocolate Almond coffee.

NOT

The night tech coming in to draw blood.

Ahhh... the comforts of home.

I've got an 8:15 appointment today to get some labwork done and reviewed. See, with leukemia it's all about the numbers and the waiting. And you do this sometimes 3-4-5 times a week. It's agonizing and draining.

Kind of a cart/horse thing, they have to know where your blood levels are before they can figure out the next steps in your treatment. Platelets low, give her some. Double check, do a bone marrow aspiration. White blood going up, numbers good, on to more chemo.

But going to the hospital to get these tests done is heartbreaking. And quite the ordeal. You walk into the lab waiting room and see so many faces. The first time I went, it was so crowded. Like at least 200 people. Most patients need to bring someone with them, like me, because they can't drive or walk or see correctly.

And it reminds you that cancer doesn't descriminate. There are young and old, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian - name one, because they are all there. Men, women, no kids (they go elsewhere), and under age 12 visitors are banned from the floor. I've heard Arabic, British accents, Spanish, Chinese. They have translators for any language at the hospital. Wealthy, poor, in between, we all have to wait.

It's a place that I feel comfortable, yet uncomfortable. I recognize people now and some remember me. We talk. I see many bald heads, so I don't mind taking off my hat if it's too warm. I remember names and faces of the techs and admissions staff. The Physician's Assistants and Nurses recognize me.

There are people in various stages of treatment. Those newbs with hair who have or haven't started their chemo, like me once upon a time. Fresh faced or worried, they all are unsure of what to expect. The old timers in remission. Stronger looking and able to walk on their own. Some look battered, but their strength shows. They usually walk much faster than the rest of us.

The sassy older ladies who talk to you. They are going through what I am. I met one in the lab (it's like a cattle call), and she looked fantastic. She was in remission, but we talked about the chemo and she was asking about my treatment. We joked about losing hair and doctors and cathaters. I think she liked my spunk, and I liked her spirit. Here she was, had to be in her 70's, and she had a head of white hair. She was dressed so elegently, yet sat there like a trooper as the tech poked her arm just like the others. (I get mine drawn from my central line, so yay for no poking)

I have met a few people, Pam and Jeff. Two patients who have what I have. They both were further along in their chemo rounds, and both looked a bit worn. I talked to them, and I think I raised their spirits a bit. It was nice to make someone who had looked so down smile.

I am trying really hard not to get down during any of this, but gosh, they don't make it all that easy on you. I can see how it get old. Now you see why laughing and laughter and friends are so important - a part of your healing team. Your support network is key, and keeping your spirit up is going to be mega important.

Because there are some who just look defeated. Or angry. Tired mostly and tired of the waiting. Because we do have to wait. Sometimes for hours. Tired of treatment, tired of life, and they look like they are wondering, "Why me, Lord?"

All it takes is one quick look around that waiting room to know, why *not* me.

------------

Now on to Fun stuff.

Now thanks to Kim in NYC, I have a glamourous pink boa to add to my diva collection. Right now it's hanging next to the green one, and is an added reminder that there will be life after cancer and one day I will wake up and say, "wow, I didn't think about cancer today." It's a day I can't wait for. It's a day I know will come.

And woo woo for Rachel. She quit smoking and working out. I challenged her to minimum 30 minutes exercise a day, and no tv watching unless she is working out while watching or already finished. She's a kickass chick and I know she can do it. Rach, babe, I'm so proud. Go holla at her a bit and give her some props. That's some hard shiznit to do, but so worth it, especially when you have a kid as cute as Rachel's.

I also got a bunch of cards from the Deb Fund donations. My favorite was one that was SWAK (sealed with a Katana [an Uma/chemo joke]) and had a little sword drawn on it.

Many of the cards made me tear up, as they were from my sister's friends, both in town and from afar, strangers, old friends I haven't heard from in a while, and family members. Some were apologetic for the small donation, but goodness, those $10 and $20 donations have meant so much to me. There were some whose generosity blew me away. I'm working on the thank yous right now as I'm grateful and humbled by all of this.

Ok. I need to finish up this awesome coffee and get to getting.

Your assignment for today (or tomorrow) is to enjoy your morning. Get up early if you can (or sleep in a bit if you usually are an early bird). Eat something yummy (and healthy) and just savor the morning. It's why I can't stay asleep when I'm home. I love this time of day. If your mornings are hectic, get up early, like way early, before anyone else is up. You never know, you may like the solitude and make it a habit. Regardless, please enjoy it.

I can do this.

About that Morphine

I have a belly full of meds and it's really pretty yuck. Being out makes up for it totally though.

This morning started off a living hell. I woke up and my first thoughts were of Starbucks. Mmmmstarbuckssssss.

I knew today was discharge day, so I was going to be strong and go get my own latte. You know, being the independent, stubborn patient that I am. I was in the hospital for four days and had not left my room except to take a shower one day, so I was determined to get out.

It was then that I realized that I had the most massive headache of my life. A bad temple throbbing and sinus killing headache all down my neck even - a whammy. I called a nurse, and later, called again, finally on the third try during the shift change, and 45 minutes later, she comes in to find me fetal position and crying, bald head in hands.

Immediate we move on the Darvon, a narcotic. I can barely take it my hands were so shaky.

20 minutes later, I'm high, I have a killer headache, and I'm nauseated (still am - I think it's the new antibiotics). So she comes back with an IV of anti-nausea, which I refuse. I just need to take my meds with food. So then she offers me some morphine or some other narcotic.

Morphine? It's a headache, not a foot amputation.

My breakfast finally comes (with the sh*tty hospital coffee), and then the nausea subsides. Ah the power of peaches and a little oatmeal, aka nature's broom.

I am so wimpy when it comes to meds. I'm a total lightweight, so I wonder what morphine would have done to me. My chance to get way high and I blew it. Eh, I still choose oatmeal over drugs anyway. Take t